Your name is KURSIZ OMENZE and you practice WITCHCRAFT with confidence reserved solely for the types of trolls who have never once been asked to provide their PEER-REVIEWED EVIDENCE. Fortunately you have plenty of S-PEER-ITS who have reviewed your study. It doesn't matter if they can't replicate what you do in the laboratories of the higher castes. You make your living performing what you insist is OCCULT COUNSELING, a combination of TALK THERAPY, DIVINATION, FOLK MAGIC, RITUAL and whatever else you can reasonably justify putting onto an invoice. Your clientele consists of trolls who are afraid of the sterile offices of their mental medicull health professionals, and feel describing their feelings to a clipboard is HELL. They come to you. You give them TEA, turn down the lights light your CANDLES of QUESTIONABLE NECESSITY and ask them what has been haunting them lately. Sometimes this is actual GHOSTS. Usually it is LUSUS-BASED-TRAUMA. You believe that feelings are considerably easier to deal with once they have been given a BODY. Grief can be put into an EFFIGY. Anxiety can be folded into paper and sealed inside a JAR. Anger can be written into a CURSE that is never actually cast. Shame can be carved into wax and MELTED. Memories can be tied into KNOTS, buried beneath stones, burned in bowls, spoken into mirrors or carried around in little TALISMANS. You warn them not to let these trinkets out of their sight. Most clients fail in this regard. Despite appearances, you are extremely serious about your work. You have very little patience for trolls who use SPIRITUALITY as a way to avoid accountability, and even less for anyone who attempts to explain obviously terrible decisions with DESTINY, COSMIC ALIGNMENT or THE UNIVERSE. If the stars tell one of your clients to text their ex again, then the stars are WRONG. You have checked. Your respiteblock doubles as your PRACTICE, which means visitors are greeted by shelves of HERBS, CANDLES, BONES, CARDS, CHARMS, STONES, STRINGS, BOTTLES, INCENSE and several KNIVES that you repeatedly assure everyone are CEREMONIAL. There is a chalk circle in the floor surrounded by comfortable cushions, an unreasonable number of blankets, and a sign informing guests that they are NOT ALLOWED TO SUMMON ANYTHING WITHOUT PERMISSION. Someone once asked whether this included EXES. You have since amended the sign to clarify that it especially includes EXES. You are particularly skilled at identifying the moment someone turns their self-loathing into something that imitates INTELLECTUALITY. Unfortunately, their failure has often resulted in strange SPIRITS following them home. Every unpleasant emotion you experience has a SYMBOL, a RITUAL, a THEORY and probably a LABELLED DRAWER somewhere in your hive. You have constructed an elaborate spiritual framework for understanding yourself which has, perhaps inconveniently, allowed you to avoid simply FEELING anything. This is not hypocrisy. It is PROFESSIONAL SPECIALIZATION. You maintain that there is an important distinction between THERAPY WITH WITCHCRAFT and attempting to solve every psychological problem using MAGIC. Magic is a TOOL. Ritual is a LANGUAGE. Sometimes a troll cannot say, “I am afraid I will never be loved,” but they can place a little black stone into your hand and tell you that it represents something they would like to stop carrying. Of course, some of your rituals are genuinely SUPERNATURAL. You prefer not to clarify which ones. You spend a considerable amount of time on CHITTR advertising your services, providing unsolicited interpretations of other trolls' recurring dreams, correcting misinformation about CURSES and reminding your followers that NO, HAVING A BAD FEELING ABOUT SOMEONE DOES NOT AUTOMATICALLY MEAN THEY HAVE HEXED YOU. Sometimes a bad feeling is simply your pan noticing that someone is an ASSHOLE before you. You have no established QUADRANTS to speak of, which other people find considerably more interesting than you do. You insist that your romantic life is not relevant to your practice. This has never stopped your clients from asking extremely invasive questions about it while attempting to redirect the conversation away from their own problems. You notice when they do this. You usually let them get away with it for about five minutes. Those are billable moments.
