Your name is CULLER BUZBUG. You live in between a bit of a rock and a hard place. Out in space, orbiting a large, swampy ball of death, you sit inside a metal canister slowly but surely running out of fuel. The lifeblood that can't get you back to the planet that would kill you for deserting, but could get you down on the planet that would kill you for invading. You are a DESERTER of the ALTERNIAN COLONIAL ARMY. Your crew died a while ago on planet, and you, fortunately, survived, due to your uncanny adept with MACHINERY SYSTEMS and TINKERING. You were able to stow away inside the CIRCUITRY of your ALTERNIAN STATE ISSUED HOME SHIP until the MYSTERIOUS ALIENS you were supposed to KILL THE FUCK OUT OF left, assuming you had run away. Now, you can't say you exactly blame them. You yourself weren't exactly keen on letting JUST ANYONE on your RIGHTFUL PROPERTY back on ALTERNIA before your DEPLOYMENT at the ripe age of 8 SWEEPS. You even have a FLAG in your favorite color above your BUNK. It has a slitherbeast on it, with the catchy phrase "DON'T TREAD AWN ME" painted onto it by your loving grubby hands. You just thought it sounded COOL and PUNCHY. Nevertheless, it was your duty, as a goldblood, to help POWER THE SHIP your COMRADES flew all the way out from Alternia to this EXOPLANET that the EMPRESS wanted the RESOURCES from, and who are you to deny her? Unfortunately for you, your service has taken quite a lot from you. One of your eyes, which you have resourcefully replaced with a STRIPEBEAST'S EYE MARBLE that seems to do the trick in a pinch (they chipped you like a barkbeast, and you had to get it out. It was, to your dismay, behind your eyeball. You don't recall where the chip went after fishing it out, granted your vision was clouded by quite a lot of blood), as well as ALL OF YOUR CREW, which you are arguably more bummed about than your cool glowing EYEBALL. This series of unfortunate events has left you MARGINALLY DISTRUSTFUL OF THE GOVERNMENT, and you are RATHER PARANOID about being watched by said government. You helpfully sign all messages with your name (Culler) and replace words when applicable with dog puns, or the "aw" sound.
