You know, an earlier chitt I saw brought a long-standing grievance of mine back to mind. Every other unlucky bastard to enter the game and leave it in a fresh new pair of Halloween sleepover jammies at least got something useful out of it. Maybe not much pragmatically in Egbert's case, but the ability to tell a hurricane to fuck off with a stern enough tone still ranks pretty high in my books. Hell, it's why Beryl didn't send my ass packing out of Houston back when it made landfall. That's not even getting into people like Jane, whose homegrown garden can birth enough produce to put every Amish farmer's life's work to shame with just a flick of her finger. And oh yeah, how could I forget her power to heal anything from a scraped knee to a mild case of decapitation? Silly me. Not quite as useful as cheaping out on outrageous grocery prices, mind you, but it's still probably worth a mention. Thanks to that, I can even order an extra avocado toast to go nicely with my pumpkin chai lattes. Shoutouts to her. And to Rose, who got us all banned from damn near every casino in the States. Turns out, the dealers don't get very chummy with you when you use clairvoyance to cheat. Unfortunate. Not like she didn't already predict that outcome, though. Need I even get into the others? Rhetorical question. Of course I do. I do so love the look of my own orange text. There's Roxy, who can pull, almost quite literally, everything she can imagine hard enough out from her ass. Jade, who could have every tech or manufacturing megacorporation clamoring to beg on their hands and knees for her ability to downscale or upscale their technology. Jake. And Dave, of course, who could live out every Doctor Who fan's wet dreams if he really wanted to. And having another you grab the TV remote from across the room when he's feeling a little more up to the task sounds pretty useful too. You see where I'm going with this, right? And you might ask: "Dirk, my good man, you've been waffling on about jack shit for the past four paragraphs, could you maybe get to the point a little faster?" to which I'll respond, hold the fuck on, man, I'm getting there. Alternatively, you might wonder: "Huh, if your good friends can do all of that awesome stuff, what about you, dude?" I can blow out my phone's battery moderately faster, I guess. Or explode it, if I'm bored enough. Maybe I can even fuck up the Houston power grid a little more if I'm feeling particularly vindictive against CenterPoint that day. That's basically all the use cases I get in my day-to-day life. Really won the deific lottery here when it comes to my god powers. Yeah, blowing up my own creations is cool and all, but it gets boring pretty fucking fast. It's only actually useful for killing shit, and -- if any of you happen to be unaware -- is by and large illegal where I'm from, and I'm not in the business of killing random, defenseless animals for funsies. There's no honor in that. So, I'm basically just stuck being a portable charger for the rest of my immortal life until humanity rebels one day and turns me into a battery or something. Thank you, Sburb. Very cool.
