Due to my unusual upbringing, I was never close with my lusus until I was older than most. I ended up with my friends around me much in my early sweeps until I was three sweeps. Then I only had her for company suddenly. Her and I. A sudden switch from my view as those people were my world. Quiet. It was quiet besides my lusus for the longest time. Handed off everything that I was already supposed to know without ever teaching me. There was two letters and one I never got. Looking back, it may have ruined my view on myself. What a joy to know me paired with hatred and bitterness was the first. I have grown numb to its contents over the many pedigrees. Declaring what love that she had for me while also saying how I ruined her. I believe that I did. She had many often that I was a mistake and why was I allowed to live. She wasn't ever wrong. I just wish it made things better... If I done something to not do that- Could she have been happier? I want her to be happy... Swept under my feet without a word. She was to be off planet soon and she wanted to live it to the fullest.. Why would she care for someone who was barely not a grub? My only other friends isolated from me. I couldn't spend any time with them in their last days on planet. I wanted to. I wasn't allowed to. That was fine. It meant learning things that I was meant to. Alone in my hive with a lusus that I had to care for just as much as she was meant to care for me. I had met her before, but I never was her to be one to care for her before. My first memory of my lusus was.. Unadulterated fear. She cooed and awed at me at those times still. "Love" is the messiest I have known. It is confusing and unpleasant. I wonder if it damaged me somehow. --- Trying to - think of - more happy - writings soon - I like - this story though > #writing
