MY LATE-LIGHT REVIEW OF THE 2009 SCIENCE FICTION MOVIE "PANDORUM." THIS MOVIE IS LIKE IF YOU COULD DOSE YOURSELF WITH IPICAC THROUGH YOUR FUCKING GANDERBULBS. EXCEPT DESPITE ALL ITS BLEAK, RETCH-WORTHY IMAGERY, IT'S. NOT AS PACKED WITH TASTELESS GORE AS I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT. IS IT DRESSED UP LIKE A GARBAGE B-MOVIE? IT FEELS LIKE ONE AT TIMES, DUE TO LOOKING LIKE IT WAS SEPARATED AT HATCHING FROM "EVENT HORIZON" (1997), BUT IT TREATS ITSELF LIKE IT HAS SOME GENUINE SELF-RESPECT. THIS IS A MOVIE THAT DID THE BEST DAMN JOB IT COULD WITH WHAT IT HAD AT THE TIME — MUCH LIKE A GENERATION SHIP BEING COBBLED TOGETHER BY A BUNCH OF BACKWATER, UNEVOLVED MORONS SO IT CAN HURTLE SLOWLY THROUGH SPACE LIKE A FUCKING BOULDER, ONLY TO FIND OUT THERE'S MORE DEPTH TO THE MYSTERY UNDER THEIR FRONDS THAN THEY COULD HAVE DREAMT OF IN THEIR WORST DAYMARES. HONESTLY? DESPITE BEING "YUCKY" INCARNATE, THIS MOVIE FUCKING RULES. I GIVE IT THREE AND A HALF OUT OF FIVE MIDDLE PRONGSTUBS. AND THAT'S BEING GENEROUS. TAKE MY FUCKING CRUMBS, PANDORUM. YOU DID A PRETTY DAMN GOOD JOB. HERE'S HOPING YOU GET REMADE DOWN THE LINE, OR SOMETHING. YOU DESERVED BETTER.
A surprisingly persuasive review.
HEY, IF YOU'RE NOT TOO BUSY WITH YOUR FULL-TIME GIG OF BEING THE PRETTIEST LITTLE PRINCESS OF YOUR ENDGAME INCIPISPHERE, OR WHATEVER THE FUCK IT IS YOU ARE, IT'S A DAMN GOOD WATCH IF YOU AREN'T THE SQUEAMISH SORT. WELL. IT'S LIKE. KIND OF PSYCHOLOGICALLY NAUSEATING. AGAIN. TASTEFUL YUCKINESS. BUT YOU GET IT.
Well. This princess will keep that in mind next time she's not so busy with all of her duties. Thank you.