KARKAT VANTAS, THE CHALKBOX
@carbolicGalvanologist
IF YOU USE MY TITLE WHEN I'M NOT ACTIVELY INVOLVED IN A WORK-RELEVANT CAPACITY, PREPARE TO RECEIVE MY FIERY, FLAMING MIDDLE PRONGSTUB BEAM. FROM ORBIT. EMPLOYED FULL-TIME BY THE FELT. ♦️🔒.♣️🔒.♠️🔒
-- carbolicGalvanologist [CG] pinned a chitt. --
A useful little guide for those of you still struggling with professional decorum. I appreciate your contributions to my mental landscape. You are an authority figure to me. Thank you for giving me purpose. May I borrow your grin for a legitimate business need. These are all perfectly reasonable things to say to one's employer, and I can think of absolutely no circumstances in which Human Resources would object. Today, I will be productive and on-task. I feel neutral to somewhat positive about my manager and team. I work well under stress. There. You are becoming employable already.
it's ♤ bit upsetting to think there might be ♤n ♤lterni♤n of ♤n ♤ge to chit on this site, who is inc♤p♤ble of working under stress.
CAN I SLAP YOUR BALD HEAD. WHAT ARE YOUR INTENTIONS WITH MY SOUL. WHAT IS IT LIKE. HAVING FOUR MEN INSIDE YOU.
As someone who manages people, yes. Say these things to me.
There are many on this website incapable of working at all.
It wouldn't help you. Eternal occupation. You're somehow more familiar on the subject.
♤n unfortun♤te truth. ♤ll too s♤d to see th♤t there is truly nothing f♤ir in life or this bitch of ♤ universe, for they continue to dr♤w bre♤th, ♤nd write sub-p♤r chits.
≽(•⩊ •マ≼💼👍⬇\(”˚☐˚)/ (*ᵕᴗᵕ)⁾⁾(*ᵕᴗᵕ)⁾⁾ 💰?
If I ever take empl.o°yees up.o°n I w.o°uld be h.o°n.o°red f.o°r them t.o° say these t.o° the me
II don't thiink II struggle wiith my provessiionaliism iin my work enfiironment but thiis iis quiite the dandy message to hafe iin case II ever see myselv valteriing at all
xx_i_get_knocked_down..._but_i_get_up_again._cant_keep_me_down_xx
xx_:3_?_whag?_xx
/.its.a.term.a.human.friend.has.been.calling.all.my.chumps.right.\ \.if.i.remember.correctly.it.basically.means"random"unimportant"background"character"made"up"on"the"spot"or.something.to.that.effect./
xx_ohhhhhh...._so_whags_da_relebance?_xx
xx_OHhhhh_HEHEHEHEHE_dey_r_lil_guyez_on_neolusii_xP_issa_kyoot_pet_site_xx
IT WAS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME. BEFORE FuCKSTuPID SLANDER HIT THE TIMELINE. SO CALLOuSLY STuPID IN FACT. SO VACuOuSLY DuMBFuCKERY RIFE. SO INSIPID AND TERMINALLY IDIOTIC. SO. PREDICTABLY AND PATENTLY OFFENSIVE. THAT IT WOuLD MERIT A RESPONSE. FROM THE HIGHEST AuTHORITY IN ALL THE FELT. BLAME IT ON THE DRINKS. BLAME IT ON THE #SuBSTANCE YOu CONSuMED. BLAME IT EVEN ON THE SPINE SHEDDINGLY TERRIFIC TIMOROuSNESS THAT MY LOOMING. ALL INSPIRING PRESENCE AFFORDS YOu. BuT DO NOT DARE THINK FOR ONE SECOND I WILL ALLOW THE LOT OF YOu. TO BLAME IT ON uNAPOLOGETIC AND uNAVOIDABLE IGNORANCE. AS WE ALL KNOW. KNOWING THINGS. IS ONTOLOGICALLY MORE GOOD THAN NOT KNOWING THEM. WALLOWING IN THE PITIABLY PuTRID MINES OF MORONIA. OF KHAZAD-DÛMBASS. AS THE DWARVES SAY. IS NOT A VERY GOOD WAY TO LIVE. IT IS NOT A WAY TO LIVE AT ALL. REALLY. TO BE COMPLETELY HONEST. FuLL DISCLOSuRE. ALL CARDS ON THE TABLE. CORPSES OuT OF THE BASEMENT. SKELETONS EVACuATED FROM THE CLOSET. IT IS AN AWFuLLY GOOD WAY TO GET KILLED. VERY VERY PERMANENTLY. BuT IN THE INTEREST OF FAIRNESS TO THE LESS THAN FORTuNATELY BRAIN ENDOWED. AND AS A PART OF AN ONGOING REPAYMENT TO THE STuPID PEOPLE OF SOCIETY. WHO CANNOT BE HELD ACCOuNTABLE FOR VICTIMIZING THEMSELVES WITH THEIR OWN STuPID. I OFFER A CRITIQuE. WHILE NEEDLE NECKED HARPIES. AND OuT OF TOuCH YOCKEL DIPSHITS. RALLIED AROuND MY LOYAL SERVANTS. TO GAWK AND GLOAT. @comedyGold AND @carbolicGalvanologist BOTH HELD THE LINE. THEY PREACHED THE TRuTH. AS THEY WERE MOCKED AND DRESSED DOWN. FOR THE CRIME OF BEING MESSIANIC. BEYOND THEIR WISE ASSS MORTAL LIFE-LED YEARS. AS ALPHAS-IN-TRAINING. WHEN EVEN A DECEIVER. A SEWER OF DISCORDS. A *TYPICAL* WOMAN. @therapistofThedeepone TRIED TO TAKE CREDIT FOR A MAN. AND A FuNNY WOMAN. BEING RIGHT. IN A MAN'S WORLD. ABOuT A MAN. AS DESCRIBED. BY A MAN. AND A FuNNY WOMAN. WHICH IS MAN ADJACENT. AS ALL OF THIS TRANSPIRED. FuCKED uP AND GuTSY MOVE PRESENTED WITHOuT PROOF. MY MEN. MY SOLDIERS. MY INFINITE INFANTRY. ARE NOT THE HELPLESS LITTLE EMPTY HEADED NINNIES INCAPABLE OF GREAT IDEAS AND VALuABLE INSIGHTS. WITHOuT YOuR OVIPOSITIONING LITTLE IDEA EGGS TO HATCH ON TOP OF THEIR FuCKING CONCAVE ASS INWARDLY BOWING HEADS. RIGHT INTO BIG SPARKLY LIGHTNING IN A BuLBOuS BOTTOM BOTTLE. IDEAS ARE NOT PLANTED. THEY ARE SHARED. AND YOuR SHARE. IS TWENTY FIVE PERCENT. SO *TH* ROSE. THAT IS YOuR TWENTY FIVE PERCENT OF A THANK YOu. MY MEN WILL BE COMPENSATED. MuCH GREATER. IN BOTH RECOGNITION OF THE MERITS OF THEIR ANALYSIS. AND AS CONSIDERATION. NEVERTHELESS. I AM PLEASED TO INTRODuCE. AS WAS SPECuLATED. ONE OF MANY CHARACTERS IN MEDIA. WHO ARE LITERALLY ME. MORIARTY. FROM THE HuMAN MASTERPIECE. KNOWN AS SHERLOCK GNOMES. IGNORE THE KISSY FACE PREDECESSOR. GNOMEO AND JuLIET. uTTER HORSESHIT. uNWORTHY OF DISCuSSION. BuT THE SEQuEL. MuCH LIKE MORIARTY'S MACHINATIONS FROM THE MOVIE PROPER. IS ART. THE DESIRE. NO. OBSESSION. WITH COMPLEXITY. WITH A REVENGE THAT PREYS ON THE WEAKNESSES OF OTHERS. THE WILLINGNESS TO ABSTAIN FROM KILLING. PuRELY TO SHOW HOW CLEVER WE ARE. THE THEATRICALITY. HIS PLAN MAKES PERFECT FuCKING SENSE. AND WHILE HIS AMBITIONS. OF SMASHING GARDEN GNOMES IN LONDON. IS NOT AS FAR REACHING AS. SAY. CONSuMING uNIVERSES. AND MuRDERING ROVING PANTHEONS OF DIPSHIT LOSERS. THE JOuRNEY OF ONE THOuSAND BODIES. STARTS WITH A SINGLE STEP AND SHANK. THE FIRST DEATH I EVER CAuSED. WAS MY SISTER. AND I BET. IF MORIARTY HAD A SISTER. HE WOuLD KILL HER TOO. JuST. LIKE. LITERALLY. ME.
:33< i didnt know the great caliborn would become a #moriartykin
IT DEPENDS HEAVILY. uPON THE MORIARTY. BuT MANY TAINTED SOuLS. FIND SOLE SOLACE. IN BEING LIKE ME. I REWARD THEIR LIKENESSES. WITH MODEST RECOGNITION. LIKE TROLL RYAN GOSLING. ALSO LITERALLY ME. THOuGH THAT ONE IS A GIVEN.
X00< wait! impurrtant question :33< did mew assign anyone else to these roles, or just your sister :??
:33< *ac nods in understanding at cb* i s33 i s33
AND LET'S NOT FORGET THE MOST GLARING PARALLEL OF THEM ALL — THE FACT THAT IN A MOVIE THAT'S LITERALLY ABOUT A BUNCH OF UNHOLY ANIMATED LAWNRING ORNAMENTS SPAWNED FROM A WORLD THAT WAS PROTOTYPED AT EVERY LEVEL WITH THE SPIRIT OF HUMAN ELTON JOHN WHO ARE ALL *INCHES* TALL, THIS CACOPHONOUSLY ANNOYING SHITHEEL OF A VILLAIN IS STILL SQUAT AS FUCK NEXT TO ALL OF THEM. PARADOX SPACE CAN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP.
HMM. ONE SLANDER ON THE TIMELINE AT A TIME. THE ESPECIALLY INCOMPETENT AND INATTENTIVE WOuLD NOT SuRVIVE THE OMNISCIENCESLAuGHT. OR OMNOMNOMSLAuGHT IF YOu WILL. OF BEING CONSuMED BY MY MANY WORDS FOR SuCH AN ANALYSIS. PERHAPS. ONE DAY.
:33< *acs tail swishes at cb* :33< what a shame, i guess lesser minds would nyot be able to comprehend mew're greatness, that is true :33< ...but :33< when mew *do* choose to release it, can i be tagged puretty purrleas3333?
you. troll boss b4by ### boss wriggler #
I SWEAR I'M NOT SAYING THIS JUST BECAUSE I'M #SUBSTANCED TO HIGH HELL. I'M DEAD FUCKING SERIOUS WHEN I SAY THIS. LET IT BE KNOWN. LET THE WORLD FUCKING KNOW. THE MAIN ANTAGONIST OF SHERLOCK GNOMES IS @caliBorn. IF YOU THINK I'M WRONG, I WILL FORWARD YOU THE FUCKING MOVIE. DEAD ASS. #ABCC-PST #ABCC-CHATTR
Its true, and it's not also because I'm #substanced right now eitjer Sorry Big Boss Caliborn heheheh
@caliBorn Don't smash him to smithereens for this. I put this thought in his head to begin with.
FUN FACT: FEMALE GNOMES CAN TELEPORT IF THEY'RE RIGHTEOUSLY ANGERED BY A MARITAL SPAT. STILL HATE IT HERE. KICK IN FASTER, #SUBSTANCE. #ABCC-PST #ABCC-CHATTR
SIGH. OKAY. I GUESS THIS IS FUCKING HAPPENING, NOW. MY LEAST ENTHUSIASTIC #GETIN OF ALL TIME, TRULY. #ABCC-PST #ABCC-CHATTR
ATTENTION NOOKSUCKERS ANONYMOUS, AKA #ABCC VIEWERS NEW AND OLD: THE #ABCC-GMT VIEWING OF STRANGE MAGIC IS ABOUT TO BEGIN. YOU HAVE FIVE MINUTES UNTIL I START IT, SO HURRY THE FUCK UP AND #GETIN.
THIS IS THE ONLY ONE I CAN'T STAND TO MISS. WATCHING THIS HAPPEN BEYOND MY REACH HAS ME RATTLING THE BARS OF MY CAGE AND WAILING IN ANGUISH. IT'S SO FUCKING OVER. SAY HI TO BOGGY FOR ME.
@handMaid THEY'RE WATCHING THE MOVIE YOUR SAUCY EVIL HUSBAND IS IN. HE MISSES YOU.
OH. YOU'RE ALIVE. KEEP MY EVIL BUG OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.
CAN CONFIRM, BOGGY WOGGY MISSES HIS HOT GREEN SLUT. @HANDMAID
I'M BEING ATTACKED ON ALL SIDES BY VANTASES. AND IT'S NOTHING LIKE MY WILDEST FANTASIES. #DISAPPOINTING.
READ ALL ABOUT IT -- [ THE GRAND #OUTGLUTMASQUERADE HAS FINALLY OPENED FOR THE LIGHT! COME ONE, COME ALL, BUT CERTAINLY COME AS SOMEONE NEW! THE TIME PARADOX IS UPON US! https://msparp.chat/outglutmasqerade ]
ATTENTION, WORTHLESS SHITMONGRELS OF CHITTR DOT ING. THIS IS THE LEADER OF #ABCC SPEAKING. ONCE AGAIN, DESPITE ALL MY CAREFUL INSTRUCTIONS, THE STEWARDSHIP OF THE ADORABLOODTHIRSTY CINEMASSACRE CLUB AND ALL ITS GLORY FALLS TO ME. WHICH I'M HONESTLY FINE WITH, BECAUSE WHO BUT THE LEADER OF FUCKING EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME IS GOING TO GET ANYTHING DONE AROUND HERE IF I DON'T LEAD BY EXAMPLE. SO PAY CLOSE ATTENTION TO WHAT I SAY AND HOW I SAY IT. I WILL BE HOSTING THE #ABCC-PST #WATCHPARTY OF: SHERLOCK GNOMES. I KNOW. I WOULD HURL MYSELF HORNFIRST INTO THE OPEN HOPPER OF A WOODCHIPPER BEFORE I SAT DOWN FOR THE ENTIRETY IF THIS MOVIE IF IT WASN'T THE LITERAL FIRST WIPE OF THE NEW ABCC. TROLL ELTON JOHN, STAY MY FURIOUS TYPESTUBS. I'M TRYING TO BE MERCIFUL. SO IT'S FUCKING #GNOMEWEEK. WHETHER I LIKE IT OR NOT. AND I PROMISE YOU THAT I DON'T LIKE IT. RATED PG (PUNGENT GRUBSAUCE). COME ON. IT'S FUCKING SHERLOCK GNOMES. MOVIE STARTS AT 7 PM PST *SHARP*, SO YOU'LL WANT TO SHOW UP EARLY AND RSVP EVEN EARLIER. WHEN THE MOVIE STARTS, HOP ON THE #ABCC-CHATTR TAG *AND* THE #ABCC-PST TAG SO YOU CAN LIVEBLOG WITH ANY OTHER ASSHOLE WHO HAPPENS TO HOST THEIR OWN VIEWING (UNLIKELY, BUT WE'RE SETTING A PRECEDENT, HERE). AND HEY. GUESS WHAT. IF YOU'VE GOT QUESTIONS, COMMENTS, A FILM OF YOUR OWN THAT YOU'D LIKE TO SUBMIT, OR ANY OTHER REASON TO BOTHER THE FUCK OUT OF ME AND MY CABAL OF LOYAL FILMLEADERS, CHECK OUT THE OFFICIAL ADORABLOODTHIRSTY CINEMAS SITE. ANYTHING YOU DON'T GET HERE WILL PROBABLY MAKE MARGINALLY MORE SENSE THERE. IF NOT, I CAN'T HELP YOU. I CAN ONLY DIAGNOSE YOU WITH STAGE FOUR DUMBFUCK DISEASE. REMEMBER — I CAN'T GUARANTEE I'LL BE THE ONE HOSTING THESE EVERY WIPE, ANYMORE. THE FUTURE OF ABCC IS IN YOUR GREASY, GORMLESS HANDS NOW, CHITTR. DO ME PROUD AND DON'T FUCK IT UP. THAT'S ALL FOR NOW. RSVP BELOW WHILE SPACES LAST. AND #GETIN.
⧃ I'd like to RSVP for this one.
HAVEN'T YOU LEARNED YOUR LESSON, OLD MAN. HAVEN'T YOU ENDURED ENOUGH GNOMES FOR ONE FUCKING LIFETIME. I FEEL LIKE I'M PUNCHING DOWN IF I SHOW THIS TO YOU, AFTER THE WIPE YOU'VE HAD.
I will be there.
⧃ I need this, Karkat.
(|:I was reaaaaaally hopin you would be hosting the non gnome one (|:I (|:I (|:I (|:I yeah ill be there ill follow my film leader wherever he may go!! even if where he go no person should (|:/
i even watched the prereqs and all reserving a spot
Ill b3 th3r3
:33< mewll know ill be there X33
NUKE THE WHOLE GENERATION
IT'S BEEN A MINUTE SINCE I DID THIS. HOLY MOTHERFUCKING SHITGLOBES, ARE YOU IN FOR ONE. AHEM. ATTENTION, WORTHLESS CHITTRLINGS. THIS IS THE LEADER OF THE ADORABLOODTHIRSTY CINEMASSACRE CLUB SPEAKING. LET'S JUST TAKE A MOMENT TO APPRECIATE SOMETHING. IT'S BEEN A DAMN LONG WAY HERE. FROM SHITTY, IMPROMPTU WATCH PARTIES THAT CLAWED THEIR WAY OUT OF THE DIGITAL LOAM LIKE THE DAYWALKERS OF YORE TO THE SINGLE MOST ACTIVE TAG I'M DIRECTLY OR INDIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE FOR, #ABCC HAS BEEN A WILD FUCKING RIDE. SO WILD THAT AGAINST MY BEST WISHES, THOUGH I FOUGHT TOOTH AND NAIL TO HANG ONTO MY SWEET, CINEMATIC VICES, I HAD TO GIVE MY UGLY WIGGLER OF A FILM CLUB UP FOR ADOPTION. AND ITS MIXED-SPECIES LUSII, @therapistofThedeepone and @arsenicCatnaps NURTURED AND CARED FOR THAT UGLY WIGGLER WHILE I WAS GONE, EVEN WHILE IT WAS HAVING ITS SHITTY, TANTRUMATIC PUPASCENT PHASE AND FORCING THEM TO SIT THROUGH NOT ONE, BUT TWO OF THE SHITTIEST INSTALLMENTS IN A FRANCHISE THAT IS OTHERWISE SO DAMN GOOD. AND YET ABCC STANDS. IT STANDS TALL. IT STANDS PROUD. AND IT HAS PROVED THAT IT CAN STAND WITHOUT ME. CHITTR. THIS IS MY GIFT TO YOU. #ABCC IS YOURS. NO, I'M NOT PUNTING IT OUT OF MY LIFE AND MOVING ON TO DO OTHER SHIT. I LIKE IT WAY TOO FUCKING MUCH. BUT I *DO* NEED TO RESERVE THE RIGHT TO FUCK OFF AND HANDLE MY DISGUSTINGLY ANNOYING CHALKBOXLY DUTIES, NOW AND AGAIN. WELL. ESPECIALLY RIGHT NOW. BUT I ALWAYS MEANT FOR ABCC TO BE *CHITTR'S* THING, NOT JUST *MY* THING. YOU GUYS HAVE PROVEN THAT IT ACTUALLY MEANS SOMETHING TO YOU. THAT YOU LIKE HAVING IT AROUND. SO HERE. IT'S YOURS. NOW, IN A FORMAT THAT DOESN'T REQUIRE ONE BELEAGUERED, OVERWORKED DIPSHIT TO GRIND HIMSELF TO THE BONE TO HOST TWO MOVIE LIGHTS A WIPE. YES, THAT MEANS I'M GIVING YOU BACK WEDNESDAY. YOU'RE WELCOME, CHITTR. LOOK HOW FUCKING GENEROUS I AM. I'M FIRMLY GRASPING THE FLAG I PLANTED ON HUMP DAY AND YANKING IT OUT OF THE FESTERING WOUND. NATURE ABHORRS A VACUUM, AND I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT FILLS IT. IT HAD BETTER BE GOOD. INSTEAD, I'M CONSOLIDATING EVERYTHING ONTO FRIDAY. THE END OF THE WIPE. THE CESSATION OF THE GRIND. THE DEEP, CATHARTIC BACKWARDS LEAP ONTO THE LOUNGEPLANK WITH A BOWL OF RUPTUREKERNELS AND/OR FRIED LOCUSTS AND WHATEVER THE FUCK IS ON THE SCREEN. BUT IF YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I'M ON ABOUT, LET ME SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU. AHEM X2 COMBO. LISTEN CAREFULLY, SHIT-FOR-SPONGE. #ABCC, THE ADORABLOODTHIRSTY CINEMASSACRE CLUB, IS MANY THINGS. IT'S A PLACE. IT'S A PEOPLE. IT'S A COMMON VISION. IT'S THE SOLE, ARDENT BASTION, SPEARING HIGH INTO THE SKY WITH ITS CRUMBLING, CRENELLATED SPIRES ABOVE A FECULENT WASTELAND OF SHITTY, SLOPPED-OUT MEDIA. BUT EVEN MORE THAN THESE THINGS, ABCC IS, FIRST AND FOREMOST, A LIST. A LIST OF FINE CINEMA — "SINNIES," IF IT TICKLES YOUR FUCKWITTED FANCY — CURATED BY YOUR FELLOW #ABCC-FILMLEADERS HERE AT THE CLUB EVERY WIPE AND SLAPPED IN THE TOWN SQUARE FOR ALL TO GORMLESSLY GAWK AT ON THE #ABCC-SINLIST. YOU CAN FIND THIS WIPE'S MOVIES ON THAT TAG, OR ON THIS SITE. "BUT KARKAT," I HEAR YOU WHINE, HOWLING LUGUBRIOUSLY THROUGH YOUR DROOLING YAPGASH. "WHO HOSTS THE ACTUAL #WATCHPARTY?" YOU DO, DIPSHIT. BECAUSE WE'RE ALL A PART OF ABCC. AND IT NEEDS YOU TO MAKE IT HAPPEN. IF YOU WANT TO HOST AN ABCC SHOWTIME VIA HYPERBEAM, MAKE YOUR OWN CHITT (AND LINK IT TO THE SINLIST) WITH THE #ABCC-FILMLEADER AND THE #WATCHPARTY TAGS, SO THAT PEOPLE KNOW YOU'RE ACTUALLY STEPPING UP TO TAKE SOME FUCKING INITIATIVE. IF YOU WANT TO JOIN A SHOWTIME, LOOK FOR THOSE SAME TAGS. ADDITIONALLY, IN OUR INFINITE FUCKING MAGNANIMITY, ABCC SHOWTIMES ARE TAGGED BY TIMEZONE. USE THE #ABCC-GMT/#ABCC-EST/#ABCC-PST TAGS TO LET EVERYONE KNOW WHICH OF THE CORRESPONDING MOVIES FOR THAT TIME YOU'LL BE HOSTING. SEARCH BY TIMEZONE TO FIND A SHOWTIME NEAR YOU, OR ATTEND ANY COMBINATION OF THEM IF YOU HAVE THE TIME. I'M NOT YOUR FUCKING LUSUS, YOU CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT. NOW YOU — YES, YOU, YOU GREASY-PRONGED PUSTULE SITTING BEHIND THE SCREEN — CAN HAVE YOUR VERY OWN #WATCHPARTY WITH YOUR OWN GROUP OF UP TO ELEVEN OTHER DUMBFUCKS OF YOUR CHOOSING. NO NEED TO FIGHT OVER TWELVE FINITE SEATS IN ONE OFFICIAL THEATER — NOW, THE THEATER IS EVERYWHERE. YOU'RE THE THEATER, CHITTR. IT'S YOU. BECOME AN #ABCC-FILMLEADER. HOST A #WATCHPARTY AND SHOW WHATEVER MOVIE ON THE #ABCC-SINLIST IS HAPPENING IN YOUR TIMELINEZONE. FILMLEADERS — START AT THE EXACT TIME SPECIFIED, AND THEN HOP ON THE #ABCC-CHATTR TAG SO YOU CAN LIVEBLOG TO YOUR PUSHER'S CONTENT. HAVE INVOLVED DISCUSSIONS, MEANINGFUL THOUGHTS, OR JUST SHITPOST AND MEME IT THE FUCK UP FOR THREE OR FOUR HOURS, IF YOU WANT. IT'S UP TO YOU. YOU GET TO BE A PART OF IT. NOW YOUR THEATER BUDDIES ARE ANYONE ON THE TAG WHILE THE MOVIE IS PLAYING. WE'RE ALL IN THIS SHIT TOGETHER, BUMPING PRONGHINGES AND STEALING EACH OTHER'S RUPTUREKERNELS WHILE WE'RE NOT LOOKING. EVERYWHERE THAT MOVIES ARE AROUND TO BE WATCHED, EVERYWHERE THAT YOU DECIDE TO JUMP IN ON A SYNCHRONOUS DIGITAL SHITFEST COORDINATED BY A BUNCH OF YAMMERING ASSHOLES WITH NOTHING BETTER TO DO — SO LONG AS YOU'RE ON THE TAG, WE'LL BE DOING IT TOGETHER. BECAUSE WE ARE. THE ADORABLOODTHIRSTY CINEMASSACRE CLUB. ALSO, GUESS WHAT. YOUR NEW COUNCIL OF ABCC FILMLEADERS HAS CONVENED AND SUMMARILY OVERRULED ME. SO YOU'LL BE ENTHUSED TO KNOW WHAT THIS WIPE'S THEME IS. IT'S FUCKING #GNOMEWEEK. I COULDN'T TELL YOU WHY. THE PEOPLE HAVE SPOKEN. I LITERALLY ASKED THEM WHAT THEME THEY WANTED, AND I SHIT YOU NOT, THEY ALL SAID "GNOMES." SO HERE. HERE ARE THREE INSIPID, SPONGE-NUMBING ANIMATED FILMS TO KICK OFF THE NEW CLUB FORMAT WITH A BRIGHT, CELEBRATORY FLASH OF LUNG-LACERATING PIXIE DUST AND ALL THE HUMAN ELTON JOHN YOU CAN STAND. DON'T BE MAD AT ME. I DIDN'T PICK THEM. ... OKAY, I PICKED STRANGE MAGIC. BUT ONLY AS AN OPENER TO THE FUCKING GNOMES. FAIRIES ARE KIND OF LIKE GNOMES. NO NEED TO RSVP — NOT UNLESS I DECIDE I'M ACTUALLY HOSTING ONE OF THESE. I VERY WELL MIGHT NOT, BUT HEY. I MIGHT SHOW UP TO SOMEONE ELSE'S. MORE IMPORTANTLY, IF YOU FEEL LIKE HOSTING ONE YOURSELF, SIGN UP. MAKE A CHITT. LINK IT IN THE COMMENTS. TAG THE FUCK OUT OF IT. THE TAGS ARE OUR FUCKING BREAD AND GRUBSAUCE, HERE. USE THEM. THOROUGHLY. OH, AND IN CASE YOU COULDN'T BE BOTHERED TO READ THE MAJORITY OF MY (ADMITTEDLY MORE AGONIZING) TIRADE ON HERE, THEN MAYBE YOU'D HAVE AN EASIER TIME READING IT ON A DIFFERENT PLATFORM. DID I MENTION? ABCC HAS AN OFFICIAL WEBSITE, NOW. CHECK IT OUT. -- carbolicGalvanologist [CG] linked a website. -- -- [ https://adorabloodthirstycinemas.carrd.co/# ] -- WHAT A LONG FUCKING JOURNEY IT HAS BEEN. THANKS FOR HELPING ME CARRY THE TORCH. DON'T FUCK IT UP. NOW. ONCE MORE, WITH FEELING. #GETIN.
*Applause!*
There ★re more Gnome b★sed films to w★tch, I will h★ve to submit some.
PLEASE DON'T. PLEASE. PLEASE, SYLINK. I'M FUCKING BEGGING YOU.
shit man strange magic? i might look into it
It might be ★ re★lly good one K★rk★t.
Yes!
A Carrd. Diabolical. Not seeing a lot of support for Moon Time, so you will have my ire 'til the end of your days or until the rubble of this shitshow vindicates me. My your hubris falter under the weight of #Gnomeweek.
glad to have you back chalky hehehe (|:D i dont watch enough movies (outside of this ofc) to step up to the metaphorical plate to be a filmleader yet but ill always be around for anything! ...ok maybe not anything gnomes piss me off lol but i can try to stomach it for this week!
IF IT HELPS, #SUBSTANCE NIGHT RULES ARE UP TO EACH INDIVIDUAL FILMLEADER. SO IF I HAPPEN TO HOST ONE, CONSIDER APPLYING A CEREBRAL LUBRICANT. THE SLOP WILL GO DOWN EASIER, THAT WAY.
࣪⊹₊˚{ LETS FLUKING GOOOO!!!! \}*7*{/ \}*7*{/ \}*7*{/ \}*7*{/ + whalecome baaaack! #mistyou #butonlyalittle }˚₊⊹ ࣪
THE. FUCKING. ODYSSEY. LONGTIME READERS AND FIRST-TIME OBSERVERS, I BRING YOU THE #MOVIEKAT REVIEW TO MARK THE FUCKING AGES. I STARTED THIS REVIEW UNDER THE PRETENSE THAT I WOULD BE GOING ON THIS JOURNEY ON MY OWN. BUT HUBRIS HAS A REAL FUNNY WAY OF KICKING YOU IN THE SHINS (SPOILERS). I TOLD @CARBOLICGALVANOLOGIST ABOUT THE FACT THAT I’D JUST SAT THERE IN A DARK THEATRE AND GNAWED BASICALLY THROUGH THE BOTTOM OF MY KERNELSPLOSION BUCKET FOR THREE HOURS, AND YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT HE DID? HE SAID TO ME, “KARKAT. WE HAVE TO DO THIS TOGETHER. WE HAVE TO DELIVER ODYSSEY TO THE PEOPLE.” SO. HERE WE ARE. A CO-WRITTEN REVIEW (WHICH IS MOSTLY ME AND NO, VANTAS, YOU CAN’T REMOVE THIS PART, FUCK YOU) BY THE ONLY TWO TROLLS IN PARADOX SPACE WHO KNOW WHAT THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT. DO YOU KNOW HOW FUCKING HARD IT IS TO REIN NOT ONE, BUT *TWO* OF US IN? THIS REVIEW IS THE *EPITOME* OF TWO DUMB BITCHES SAYING “EXACTLYYYYYYYYY”. THIS IS GOING TO BE AN INCREDIBLY LONG ANALYSIS FOR YOU PEA-BRAINED IMPS WITH NEXT-TO-ZERO READING COMPREHENSION AND CRITICAL THINKING SKILLS, BUT MAYBE YOU CAN TREAT THIS AS A SPONGE EXERCISE. AND FOR THE REST OF YOU WHO ARE EAGER TO MUNCH YOUR WAY DOWN TO THE BOTTOM OF *THIS* KERNELSPLOSION BUCKET AND GET YOUR MONEY’S WORTH OF THE THE BUTTERY, SOGGY MORSELS: SIT BACK. RELAX. MAYBE TAKE A MIGRAINE PILL PREEMPTIVELY. AND LET’S FUCKING GO. —- REVIEW BEGIN —- ZEUS’S LAW. THE CORNERSTONE OF ANCIENT HUMAN GREEK RELIGION AND PHILOSOPHY. THOUGH NOT A WRITTEN STATUTE, IT DEFINES THE SACRED OBLIGATIONS THAT COMPRISE A DIVINE MORAL ORDER, GOVERNING COMMUNITY, OATHS, KINGSHIP, JUSTICE, AND THE RESPECT OF THE STRANGER. POETRY AND FICTIVE WORKS BACK IN YE OLDE HUMAN DAYS DEPICT ZEUS AS THE OMNIPOTENT FORCE TOWARD PROTECTION OF THE VULNERABLE. AND IT COMES WITH A BIG RED FLASHING WARNING LABEL: ANYONE CAN BE A GOD, SO YOU BETTER FUCKING TREAT EVERYONE AS IF THEY WERE. THIS UNCERTAIN PROBABILITY SHAPED AN ENTIRE SOCIETY FOR AN EON TO COME, BASED ON THE CHOICE TO BELIEVE. RELATIONSHIPS FORGED FROM RITUALISED FRIENDSHIP WENT ON TO SHAPE ARISTOCRACY AND GOVERNMENT, INHERITED GUEST-FRIENDS THROUGHOUT GENERATIONS, AND BUILT THE FOUNDATIONS OF AN EVER-GROWING POLITICAL — AND FAMILIAL— NETWORK. BOOM. HISTORY LESSON. YEAH, WE’RE BOTH ADVANCED HUMAN HISTORY BUFFS. YOU KIND OF HAVE TO BE INTO THAT SORT OF THING TO KNOW YOUR MOVIES AS WELL AS WE DO, YOU FEEL ME? BUT, CLASSIC MOVE FROM US, HERE– AND I MEAN ALL OF PARADOX SPACE — WE SEEM TO HAVE FORGOTTEN ABOUT ALL OF THAT AS TIME GOES ON. INCREASINGLY, WE LIVE IN A WORLD THAT HAS TURNED ITSELF ASS-BACKWARDS. WE TREAT EACH OTHER AND OURSELVES WITH AN INDIFFERENCE UNRIVALLED TO ANYTHING SOCIETY HAS SEEN BEFORE. EVEN THE DAMN WORDS THAT SHAPE OUR STORYTELLING AND SOCIETY HAVE GONE INWARD TOO, FORGETTING THE TANGIBLE AND BECOMING INCREASINGLY ABSTRACT AND CLINICAL. LOGIC, TREATMENT, REGULATION, FAVOURED OVER STORY, COMPANIONSHIP, COURAGE. THE CONNOTATIONS CAN’T BE CLEARER. WE’RE LOSING EACH OTHER AND OURSELVES TO THE CHARYBDIS, SPINNING AND SPINNING TOWARD A WILD, THRASHING END. TRANSLATOR NOTE: THIS MEANS THAT WE ARE FUCKED. ALMOST, WITH A COUPLE OF HUGE FLASHING *ASTERISKS*. WHAT HAPPENS TO US IF WE DON’T SURVIVE CIRCLING THE DRAIN? SOMETHING HAS TO PULL US OUT OF IT, LEST WE FORGET THE WEB HUMANITY BUILT IS THERE TO SERVE A PURPOSE. WE ARGUE THAT THIS MODERN INTERPRETATION OF THE ODYSSEY SERVES AS A REACHING, LONG-LOST PART OF OURSELVES, CRYING OUT: SAVE YOURSELF. SAVE YOUR BROODMATE. SAVE US ALL. HERE’S HOW. BUT LET’S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS ABOUT THE FILM ITSELF, FIRST. HUMAN CHRISTOPHER NOLAN HAD SOMETHING HUGE TO CONQUER, MUCH LIKE ODYSSEUS HIMSELF. TRANSLATING AN ANCIENT TEXT, REGARDLESS OF ITS PUNY SIMPLETON HUMAN ORIGIN, IS A MASSIVE UNDERTAKING. IT REQUIRES A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF AWARENESS THAT OFTENTIMES IS LACKING IN LARGE-SCALE PRODUCTIONS, WHETHER THAT’S DUE TO THE CLEANSING OF NARRATIVE IN THE INTEREST OF PLACATING A WIDE AS POSSIBLE AUDIENCE, OR BEING SIMPLY TOO COWARDLY TO GET TO THE POINT. NORMALLY, I WOULD SAY, “YOU CAN ALL ACT LIKE BRAINDEAD ASSWIPES IN YOUR OWN FESTERING FLAP OF PARADOX SPACE, FINE WITH ME”, BUT NOT IN THIS INSTANCE. NUH UH. NOT ONLY THIS, BUT DUE TO THE SHEER VOLUME OF THE TEXT ITSELF (WITHOUT EVEN TOUCHING THE TALE OF THE ILIAD), THERE ARE WHAT SEEM LIKE ENDLESS POINTS OF INTEREST AND A PLETHORA OF LESSONS TO BE LEARNED. THEY LURK AROUND SHADOWY CORNERS, BARREL TOWARD US IN LUMBERING FOOTSTEPS, SING TO US WITH A SIREN’S SONG. SO MANY OPTIONS IN A NARRATIVE THAT SPEAKS AD NAUSEAM, THAT NOLAN WAS SURELY SPOILED FOR CHOICE LIKE A GRUB IN A GODDAMN CANDY STORE SETTING THEIR GANDERBULBS ON A FRESH CUP OF ANT POPPING BOBA. AND ANYHOW— WHAT IS THE RELEVANCE OF A TEXT LIKE THE ODYSSEY? WHY ARE WE EVEN TALKING ABOUT IT? THE ODYSSEY’S POWER LIES IN THE TRUTH OF IT BEING “THE OLDEST STORY”. IT CONTAINS THE ABILITY TO TRANSMUTE ITSELF TO FIT THE CURRENT SOCIAL NARRATIVE AND BE APPLICABLE TO OUR LIVES THROUGHOUT THE AGES. THAT’S THE BEAUTY OF A TEXT LIKE THIS; OVER THE COURSE OF 3,000 EARTH YEARS, IT STILL TRANSFORMS ITS OWN MEANING OVER TIME. IT IS NO SURPRISE OR SECRET THAT NOLAN DOES NOT STAY COMPLETELY FAITHFUL TO THE SOURCE TEXT. HOWEVER, I RAISE THE QUESTION, IF THE ODYSSEY WAS A MASSIVE PHILOSOPHICAL ALLEGORY FOR HIS TIME, WHY CAN’T WE USE IT AS ONE FOR NOW? THIS IS WHERE NOLAN TAKES THE REINS. HEAVY ARE THE GYVES OF A MONUMENTAL AND OVERWHELMING LITERARY MASTERPIECE, SHACKLING ONESELF IN ORDER TO CONVEY MEANING TO AN AUDIENCE THAT, FRANKLY, ARE A MISERABLE POINTLESS CROP OF LIFEFORMS FROM A MEANINGLESS BORING PUSTULE OF A PLANET. NOLAN DOES A FANTASTIC JOB, HOWEVER, OF RELAYING NARRATIVE INFORMATION THAT TRULY RESONATES, LEAVING ITS SOLID CORE. YOU CAN’T HELP BUT THINK ABOUT IT, EVEN LONG AFTER THE THREE HOUR LONG FILM ENDS. I KNOW I DID, AND SO DID VANTAS. WE COULDN’T FUCKING SHUT UP ABOUT IT. SO. THIS BRINGS US TO THE SEVERAL THEMES OF THIS FILM, AND WHY WE THINK IT’S IMPORTANT TO TALK ABOUT THEM. ODYSSEUS IS NOT NECESSARILY THIS BIG HERO WE’RE ALL COUNTING ON HIM TO BE. WE UNDERSTAND THE CONTEXT OF ODYSSEUS’ STORY AS A DESPERATE WARNING IF WE JUST TAKE TWO SECONDS TO REALLY LOOK AT IT. IF YOU VIEW ODYSSEUS AS THE PROTAGONIST, AT FACE VALUE, IT’S ABOUT BEING A LEADER. HE IS INDEED THE BRAVE WARRIOR WHO DEFEATED AN ARMY IN THE BATTLE OF TROY, THEN MADE THE PERILOUS JOURNEY BACK HOME TO HIS WIFE AND SON. ISN’T THAT ADMIRABLE? BUT YOU WOULD BE A FLAMING IDIOT IF YOU STOPPED YOUR THOUGHT TRAIN AT THIS STATION. THE FIRST SCENE WE WITNESS IS SINON TAKING HIS DYING BREATH, PINNED AGAINST THE TROJAN HORSE. A SACRIFICE, AND ONE THAT WE LATER FIND OUT IS BUILT ON A FARCE; SINON IS LED TO BELIEVE THAT HE ISN’T A SACRIFICE AT ALL, THAT THE IMPOSING STATUE IS HOLLOW. HE DIES WITHOUT UNDERSTANDING THAT HE IS NOTHING BUT A PAWN FOR ONE MAN’S CHOICE. IT IS THE ULTIMATE BETRAYAL OF ZEUS’S LAW, AND THUS THE BETRAYAL OF COMPASSION AND EMPATHY. ODYSSEUS BETRAYS THIS LAW TIME AND TIME AGAIN, HIS PRIDE SWELLING FAR TOO WIDE IN HIS CHEST TO MAKE ROOM FOR HIS PUSHER. HE REFUSES TO LISTEN TO HIS SLOWLY DWINDLING ARMY AS THEY CROSS TREACHEROUS SEAS AND ENCOUNTER DANGERS AT EVERY STOP. HE FIRES AN ARROW AT POLYPHEMUS JUST BECAUSE HE DESIRES TO SHOW HIS SUCCESS IN OVERCOMING HIM, FORCES HIMSELF TO LISTEN TO THE SIREN’S SONG JUST BECAUSE HE WANTS TO BE THE ONLY ONE TO HAVE HEARD IT AND SURVIVED. HE TURNS AWAY FROM HADES AND THE FACES OF HELL HE RECOGNISES WITH A REFUSAL TO ACKNOWLEDGE THE INEVITABILITY OF A FATE HE DOESN’T WANT. OH-DICK-SEUS. THAT’S WHAT HE IS. HA. HA HA, EVEN. LIKEWISE, THE ATROCITIES COMMITTED THEREOF ARE ALSO DEMONSTRATED IN THE SUITORS OF PENELOPE; THEY CONSUME AND TERRORISE THE PALACE, SLAUGHTER HIS LIVESTOCK, DRINK HIS WINE, INTIMIDATE TELEMACHUS, PRESSURE PENELOPE AND CONTEMPLATE MURDER. THEIR CRIME IS NOT SIMPLE DISCOURTESY. THEY CONVERT HOSPITALITY INTO PARASITISM. IT IS THIS BASTARDISATION OF TRUST, THE VIOLATION OF INSTITUTIONAL ALLIANCE, THAT BREAKS THIS ANCIENT SOCIETY— AND US, THOUSANDS OF YEARS IN THE FUTURE— APART. THE CATASTROPHE RESULTING IS CUMULATIVE RATHER THAN INSTANTANEOUS. THE SUITORS ARE REPEATEDLY WARNED BY BOTH PENELOPE AND TELEMACHUS. THERE ARE COUNTLESS OPPORTUNITIES TO TURN BACK, TO REPENT, TO CONCEDE, TO UNDERSTAND WHAT THE GODS HAVE PROPHESIED. THERE ARE MOMENTS, EVEN, OF PROSPERITY AMONGST WARRIORS; BUT UNRESOLVED VIOLATION ACCUMULATES UNTIL REVERSAL BECOMES UNAVOIDABLE. IN FACT, ATHENA CAN’T MAKE THINGS ANY CLEARER TO ODYSSEUS WHEN SHE SAYS, “WHO DOESN’T UNDERSTAND THUNDER? FIRE? A CHILD’S SMILE? A GOOD HARVEST?” IT DEMONSTRATES THAT GUIDANCE ONLY COMES FROM THE WILLINGNESS TO UNDERSTAND BY TRUE PERCEPTION, SOMETHING THAT ODYSSEUS IS REFUSING TO LOOK IN THE EYE. LEAVING ODYSSEUS AS THE LAST OF THE LAST ABOARD A SINKING SHIP IN THE MIDDLE OF ZEUS’S MIGHTY STORM IS ONLY THE TERMINAL EVENT. THE DEEPER PUNISHMENT IS HIS OWN REFUSAL TO ADMIT WHEN ENOUGH IS FUCKING ENOUGH. HUBRIS. ONE MAN’S CHOICE. THIS IS WHAT PULLS APART THE INTRICATE WEB THE ODYSSEY WEAVES. AND THE CONSEQUENCES ENDURE: CIVILISATION IS TESTED BY THE TREATMENT OF A STRANGER. ZEUS’S LAW REMAINS RELEVANT IF WE OBSERVE ITS APPLICATIONS IN TODAY’S SOCIOPOLITICAL UNREST. THE POLITICS OF REPRESENTATION IN A TIME LIKE THE ONE WE OCCUPY DO NOT GO UNNOTICED. NOLAN’S DECISIONS ON CASTING, THEMATIC LANGUAGE, VISUALISATION, AND STORYTELLING POSITION HIM IN A VERY DELIBERATE AND SPECIFIC PLACE AMONGST THE STORM OF MODERN CULTURE. WE’VE SEEN SO MANY PEOPLE COMPLAIN ABOUT THE GODDAMN BULLSHIT THAT IS “WOKEISM” IN CINEMA, AND THAT NOLAN IS ONLY PULLING THESE SORTS OF MOVES TO TICK HIS BOXES. THIS IS A FATAL MISSTEP, HOWEVER; AN OVERSIGHT TO AN INTENTIONAL PROVOCATION. AND REALLY– HOW OFTEN DOES THIS HAPPEN IN OUR LIVES TODAY TO THOSE OF US THAT ARE SCAPEGOATED FOR THEIR MERE EXISTENCE? FOR THEIR CHOICES, REGARDLESS OF THEIR MORAL STANDING? FOR EXAMPLE, SINON THOUGHT HE WAS DOING THE RIGHT THING. NO ONE ELSE DID. AND ODYSSEUS LET THEM BELIEVE THAT. PERHAPS HE EVEN BELIEVED IT HIMSELF. THE HOLINESS OF OUR BRETHREN, KNOWN OR UNKNOWN, HAS BEEN LOST TO MYTH. IT SEEMS WE HAVE FORGOTTEN THAT THE STRANGER IS SACRED. WHAT THIS FILM ACHIEVES IS A PULL TOWARD THIS ORIGINAL DOCTRINE, BUT ALSO A LAMENTATION ON WHAT WE HAVE ALREADY LOST. ZEUS'S LAW ISN'T JUST BETRAYED THROUGH ODYSSEUS, IT'S FLIPPED — SEE DIVINITY IN THE GRACE OF THE STRANGER, AND YOU WILL FIND THEIR MOST DIVINE QUALITIES. SEE AN ENEMY, AND YOU WILL FIND AN ENEMY. WE ARE TRAINED TO SEE THE WAY WE SEE. WE MUST RECOGNIZE THAT IT IS WITHIN OUR POWER TO TRAIN. IT IS A VISUALISATION OF A WORLD COMING TO TERMS WITH THE VIOLENCE IT HAS INFLICTED ON ITSELF, AND THE INTENTIONAL BLINDERS THAT WE STILL WEAR. NOLAN’S FILM IS A DEEP EXAMINATION OF THE POWER A NARRATIVE CAN HOLD, THE APPEAL OF A MEMORY, AND THE BELIEF IN AN UNRELIABLE NARRATOR. IT'S NOT A DESIRE FOR SOMETHING YOU DON'T HAVE, IT'S A LONGING FOR THAT WHICH YOU HAVE ALREADY LOST AND CANNOT BEAR TO BE WITHOUT. STORIES ARE HOW PEOPLE WAGE WARS, BUILD EMPIRES, AND CONVEY MEANING. THEY ARE WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION AS MUCH AS THEY ARE AN OLIVE BRANCH. THE ODYSSEY IS BOTH, AND THE TEXT’S UNRELIABILITY STEEPED IN A RICH, DEVELOPED SET OF PHILOSOPHICAL IDEOLOGY MAKES FOR A FINE RECIPE FOR MODERN DISCOURSE. NOLAN MAKES A CHOICE TO DELIBERATELY MOVE AWAY FROM THE ORIGINAL TEXTUAL CANON IN ORDER TO ASK THE BIGGER QUESTION FOLLOWING ITS EXISTENCE: WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF THIS STORY RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW? IN THIS, THE FILM IS PARTICULARLY POIGNANT, TAKING SERIOUSLY WHAT WE KNEW THEN AND STILL BEING EARNEST IN WHAT WE UNDERSTAND ABOUT LIFE TODAY. IT SERVES A SIMILAR PURPOSE TO OTHER TEXTS THAT STAND THE TEST OF TIME. THE RHETORICAL QUESTIONS THEY PRESENT THROUGH THE MEANS OF FICTION APPEAL TO A WIDE RANGE OF SOCIOPOLITICAL THOUGHT AND ALLOW PEOPLE TO PROJECT THEIR OWN IDEOLOGIES ONTO THOSE TOPICS, CHANGING THEIR MEANINGS INTO SOMETHING TANGIBLE FOR ANY MODERN AUDIENCE, NO MATTER IF YOU’RE A WINDSOCK HEADED SHITMOUTH OR A BLITHERING MOANY NOOKSUCKER, WHICH MOST OF YOU CERTAINLY ARE AT LEAST ONE OF THOSE THINGS. EVERYONE CAN FIND AN INTERPRETATION THAT SUITS THEIR PERSONAL NARRATIVE. IF YOU THINK IT AGREES WITH YOU, IT’S BECAUSE IT *DOES*, BUT NEVER ENTIRELY, NEVER WITH CONVICTION. MORE OFTEN, IT CHALLENGES. IT MAY FORCE YOU TO LOOK IN PLACES YOU WOULD RATHER NOT. IT MAY FORCE YOU TO EXAMINE THE WAYS IN WHICH WE HAVE FAILED OUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS, WHO STOPPED BEING GUEST-FRIENDS A LONG TIME AGO. IT MAY ASK YOU WHETHER YOU CAN COMPREHEND WHAT ALL OF PARADOX SPACE NEEDS, OR IF YOU ARE SIMPLY REFUSING TO BE PRESENT. AND IT WILL WARN YOU AS IT HAS WARNED ALL OF US TIME AND TIME AGAIN, THAT THE WAY THINGS ARE GOING CANNOT STAY THAT WAY. HEED THE ADVICE OF ATHENA: WHO DOESN’T UNDERSTAND THUNDER? FIRE?
HOLY SHIT FIRST JEFFFF THE RETURNER AND NOW MY ODYSSEY REVIEW !! !! !! !! !! !! I;M FEASTING
an extremely thought-provoking analysis/review, Karkat. I will watch this with your thoughts in mind and do some reflection on it.
This review gave me goosebumps. Augh. Wonderful. Thank you, Karkats.
The people have spoken. Tomorrow's film will be Shaun of the Dead, directed by Edgar Wright and released in 2004. It is ostensibly a zombie movie. There are zombies. There is a pub. There are interpersonal complications. There is a rather questionable amount of confidence in one's ability to distinguish the undead from ordinary people at a distance. But beneath the blood and bludgeoning, Shaun of the Dead is also a comedy about stagnation, adulthood, friendship, and the peculiar difficulty of recognizing that your life needs to change until circumstances become sufficiently apocalyptic to make the matter impossible to ignore. It is funny, affectionate, occasionally rather gruesome, and considerably more observant than its premise might suggest. The sort of film that can make you laugh at a joke and then, several minutes later, realize that the joke was actually about you. Please enjoy the apocalypse. And remember: when civilization collapses, the important thing is to remain calm, identify a suitable place of refuge, and maintain access to refreshments. Unquirk for content warnings.
AMAZING pick
that one is deadly
Barry, you're cordially invited.
ill see what i can do mush
Alternia's military organization is best understood less as a separate institution and more as the skeletal framework of Alternia as a whole. It is very human not to realize that the distinction between civilian and military society is largely cosmetic for Alternians. It cultivates a population from which soldiers, officers, laborers, colonists, executioners, and expendable bodies may be harvested as needed. Naturally, this process begins well before conscription. Consider School Feeding. You may be imagining a rather charitable little program in which growing children are provided adequate nutrition so that they might learn algebra without fainting into their desks. How sweet. Alternian School Feeding is more accurately understood as the rationing of education, both literally and metaphorically. Nutrition is standardized according to caste, developmental expectations, projected occupational use, local resources and scarcity, and whatever physiological traits a troll may happen to possess that are considered desirable to the Empire. The young troll does not merely receive lunch. They receive a dedicated meal plan determined according to their precise needs and expected utility. The principle is quite simple. It extends beyond food as a metaphor for educational paste, although it remains a rather apt one. What is learning if not consumption by the mind? You would not feed a future siege animal as you would a clerk. Why, then, would you educate them in the same manner? This education goes beyond cultivation. A young troll is presented with the information they are expected to consume, in the quantities deemed appropriate, until they are useful enough to be released into society. Literacy. Numeracy. Imperial history. Occupational competencies. Caste etiquette. Combat instruction. Civic obligations. The limits of acceptable curiosity. One does not educate a young troll so that they may discover what sort of person they would like to become. One informs them what sort of troll the Empire requires. Of course, one of the earliest and most personally relevant recipients of this philosophy was our very own Handmaid. A caste destined for technical labor requires one sort of instruction. A troll marked for command receives another. Certain subjects are expanded, others restricted, and still others are presented in such a way that the student never realizes there was anything more to learn. The curriculum itself therefore becomes an early form of military organization. Long before the uniforms arrive, trolls are being sorted according to function. This works in tandem with antisocialization. Where most civilizations aim to socialize their young, Alternia instills in them that trust is conditional. Dependence is dangerous. Weakness attracts exploitation. Cooperation is permitted, certainly, but preferably beneath a hierarchy in which every troll knows who is entitled to give orders and who is expected to receive them. The Empire does not require every troll to hate every other troll. That would be far too inefficient. It merely requires that they never become so attached to one another that their loyalties begin running sideways instead of upward. This produces precisely the sort of population from which an Alternian military can be constructed. Not friends. Units. Military organization simply formalizes relationships School Feeding has already taught them to recognize. Superior and subordinate. Specialist and support. Officer and asset. The ranks give names to instincts that have been cultivated since wigglerhood. From those ranks emerge your specialized forces. Consider the Archeradicators. They solve the problem of distance. The average troll is quite accustomed to solving interpersonal disagreements through claws, fangs, horns, blunt instruments, and whatever other implements permit them the satisfaction of confronting their opposition personally. The Archeradicator abandons that intimacy. Their role demands patience, accuracy, target recognition, and a willingness to reduce combat to distance, trajectory, and timing. They belong to one of the nobler echelons of the imperial forces, at least according to the sorts of trolls who place great importance upon such distinctions. School Feeding identifies those aptitudes. Antisocialization makes the emotional distance easier. Military organization turns them into an asset. The Threshecutioners occupy a different niche. They are among the most lethally acclaimed soldiers Alternia produces, sickle-bearing members of an imperial force with a particularly distinguished history of conquest. It would therefore be rather unimaginative to view their usefulness as ending when the battlefield does. Where an Archeradicator can make death distant, a Threshecutioner can make it educational. Execution on Alternia is not merely punishment. It is instruction accompanied by a visual aid. A deserter is killed, so a soldier learns the price of desertion. A rebel is killed, so every citizen learns precisely how far rebellion is permitted to proceed. An officer is killed, so everyone beneath them learns that rank is not immunity. When employed in this capacity, the Threshecutioner stands at the intersection of warfare, law, and School Feeding. They continue the education of the population en masse. The Ruffiannihilators are rather more direct. Their defining qualification is exactly what their name implies: overwhelming physical strength. Where subtler formations solve problems through precision or mobility, the Ruffiannihilator is what one deploys when the Empire has determined that brute force is not merely sufficient, but preferable. An empire often produces riots, mutinies, strikes, colonial uprisings, and unscheduled gatherings of performative wisefolk. These are problems for which overwhelming force has historically proven quite persuasive. In such circumstances, Ruffiannihilators are exceptionally well suited to intimidation, suppression, crowd-breaking, and the conversion of collectives into individuals suddenly possessed of a very healthy survival instinct. Antisocialization assists enormously. A population trained to distrust its neighbors is considerably easier to scatter. It is difficult to build solidarity when every troll has spent their formative years learning that the person beside them may be either competition or informant. Then there are the Cavalreapers. Mobility made manifest. It is one of war's more elegant little obsessions. If you cannot cross the stars, then you must cross seas. If you cannot cross seas, then continents, plains, streets, corridors, and so on until we arrive at the most miniature of measurements. The Cavalreapers preserve that philosophy through mounted and jousting combat. They close distance, pursue, flank, exploit openings, and turn momentum itself into a weapon. The mounts change. Eventually they are replaced, supplemented, or rendered quaint by machines, aircraft, and spacecraft. The military principle does not. Violence is most effective when it reaches you before you have finished preparing for it. Which brings us neatly to biotech. Alternia has never been sentimental about the distinction between organism and equipment. Its reproduction is biological infrastructure. Its lusii participate in social infrastructure. Its medicine, transportation, architecture, weaponry, and communications have all had ample opportunity to incorporate living systems. So naturally, the military does the same. Biotech is one of the methods by which the Empire ensures that the biology of its subjects remains useful to its future. An Archeradicator can be given better vision, steadier musculature, superior spatial processing, or a nervous system modified for precision. A Ruffiannihilator benefits from strength, resilience, pain suppression, reinforced tissue, and whatever other improvements allow one troll to remain standing while several others cease doing so. A Cavalreaper benefits from reaction speed, endurance, sensory integration, and biological compatibility with whatever unfortunate creature or living machine they have been assigned to ride. Even the Threshecutioner can be optimized. One should never underestimate the demands, physical or otherwise, of ceremonial murder. And once again, I must emphasize School Feeding. It identifies. It measures. It sorts. A student who demonstrates unusual visual acuity may become an Archeradicator candidate. One displaying exceptional aggression and physicality may be directed toward the Ruffiannihilators. A troll with the appropriate temperament for ritualized authority may find themselves quite naturally suited to the Threshecutioners. Another with unusual balance, coordination, and spatial instincts may be prepared for the Cavalreapers. Then biotech exaggerates what education discovers. Military organization assigns what biotech produces. Antisocialization ensures that the resulting soldier understands their comrades primarily through duty, hierarchy, and function. You see how pleasantly circular it becomes. The Archeradicator, Threshecutioner, Ruffiannihilator, and Cavalreaper are not isolated military traditions. They are outputs. Specialized products of the same machinery. How do we remove someone from a distance? Make an Archeradicator. How do we turn killing into spectacle? Make a Threshecutioner. How do we apply overwhelming physical force? Make a Ruffiannihilator. How do we place violence somewhere faster than the enemy can adequately respond? Make a Cavalreaper. Alternia's true military strength was never that it possessed so many ways to kill people. Any sufficiently inventive civilization can accomplish that. Its strength was that every institution preceding the military had already been designed to make military organization seem natural. The school categorizes you. Society isolates you. Science modifies you. The military names you. By the time an Alternian is formally assigned their place in the imperial war machine, the question of what they might have become instead is generally so remote that they no longer think to ask it. Which, of course, is the point.
666--> W3lcom3 to h3ll, fuck3rs. 3njoy1ng th3 v13w?
I very much so enjoy my view from my coriander-tinted mansion-shaped ivory tower.
I'M INTERRUPTING MY STINT IN THE TORMENT NEXUS TO RECHITT THIS. NOT OUT OF ANY SORT OF BEGRUDGING, BILE-MARINATED RESPECT FOR THE BREAKDOWN (WE BOTH KNOW THAT YOU'VE HAD THE ENTIRE LIFESPAN OF MY SPECIES TO SUCK YOUR OWN METAPHORICAL SLUG OVER WHAT AN EFFICIENT SYSTEM YOU PUT INTO PLACE), BUT SO THAT THE HUMANS WHO STILL DON'T FUCKING *GET* IT CAN HAVE IT EXPLAINED TO THEM LIKE THEY'RE FUCKING TWO. FURTHERMORE. AS A "COMMUNITY NOTE" FROM AN ESPECIALLY INVESTED MEMBER OF THE COMMUNITY, LIKE IT OR NOT. HERE'S THE THING ABOUT THRESHECUTIONERS. ANYONE CAN BE A THRESHECUTIONER. THAT'S NOT ME SAYING THAT IT'S FUCKING *EASY* BY *ANY* STRETCH OF THE IMAGINATION. THAT'S ME SAYING THAT IN A HIERARCHY WHERE EACH SPECIALIZED FORCE HAS A LOOSE, ALBEIT CONSISTENT PALETTE OF CASTES ASSOCIATED WITH IT, THE THRESHECUTIONERS ARE A FUCKING SHOTGUN SPRAY. THEY CAN AND DO COME FROM ANY CRACK OR CREVICE OF THE HEMOSPECTRUM, HIGH OR LOW OR ANYTHING IN-BETWEEN. SURE, ALTERNIA'S FOREMOST SHITHEADS IN THE FIELD OF BIOESSENTIALISM WILL TELL YOU THAT A TROLL WITH A LOWER CAPACITY FOR PITY WILL CROP UP FROM THE COOLER HUES AND ROYALLY WRECK ASS WHEN PUT AT THE FRONT OF A FLAYSQUAD. YOU MIGHT ASSERT THAT IT MAKES ABOUT AS MUCH SENSE TO INVEST ALL THAT TIME AND TRAINING INTO A RUSTBLOOD AS IT DOES TO START STUFFING FRESHLY CULLHARVESTED ORGAN TRANSPLANTS INTO YOUR AGING, DETERIORATING GRANDLUSUS, BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT. THE POINT IS THAT A THRESHECUTIONER, AS YOU'VE SO *SUCCINCTLY* PUT IT IN THIS VICIOUS, SHIT-EATING RANT YOU'VE COOKED UP FOR THE SAME ILLITERATE PEONS WHO ARE WAITING FOR THE NEXT EDITION OF "ALTERNIAN INFRASTRUCTURE FOR DUMBFUCKS III: NOW WITH PICTURES," IS MORE THAN A SOLDIER. MORE THAN AN EDUCATOR. MORE THAN A DIRECT HAND THAT SERVES THE EMPRESS. A THRESHECUTIONER IS A SYMBOL. WHAT, YOU THINK THE NET AND TRIDENT COMBO GOT SHIT OUT OF THE FIGHTING PITS BECAUSE IT'S THE PREMIERE META-STRAT OF ASS-WHOOPERY? FUCK NO. THRESHECUTIONERS WIELD THE SICKLE BECAUSE IT'S THEIR JOB TO CULL THE RANKS. AND LIKE THE NET AND TRIDENT, IT'S A DECEPTIVELY GOOD WEAPON. A SICKLE IS HARD TO GUARD AGAINST. BLOCK THE VERTEX OF THE BLADE, AND THE POINT HAS LIKELY ALREADY SUNK THROUGH YOUR PRONG. IT MOVES AROUND THINGS. IT SUBVERTS EXPECTATIONS. AND THE FLEET'S SPECIAL FORCES NEVER PICK THEIR WEAPONS JUST FOR SHOW. THE REASON WHY ANYONE CAN BE A THRESHECUTIONER, REGARDLESS OF WHAT COLOR THEIR PUSHER IS PUMPING, IS BECAUSE THE MOST IMPORTANT ASPECT OF A THRESHECUTIONER IS *IMAGINATION.* HOW DO YOU REINVENT YOURSELF, WHATEVER PATHETIC SHITSCUM FROM THE GUTTERS, THE ALLEYS, OR THE CRENELLATED FUCKING RAMPARTS YOU ARE, AS A *SYMBOL* OF THE EMPIRE'S WILL? WHAT DOES AN OLIVEBLOODED THRESHECUTIONER LOOK LIKE? WHAT ABOUT A TALL THRESHECUTIONER? A SMALL ONE? A FAST ONE? YOU DECIDE. YOU FIGURE IT OUT. YOU IMAGINE DEATH FOR THE EMPIRE'S ENEMIES IN WAYS THAT WOULD MAKE MOLTED ADULTS CRY LIKE WIGGLERS, AND YOU, PAINTER HOLDING THE STEELY, BLOOD-SOAKED BRUSH IN YOUR WHITE-KNUCKLED PRONG, DEFINE WHAT MAKES YOU AN ARTIST WORTH SPARING THE CULLBEEF GRINDER. BUT IMAGINATION IS A DANGEROUS THING. IMAGINATION CAN CHURN OUT PUBLIC GOREFESTS AND SICKENINGLY ROMANTIC EXECUTIONS ALL DAY LONG. BUT WITH IMAGINATION COMES THE ABILITY TO WONDER IF THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN THIS. IF YOUR ROLE AS A CULTURAL CURATOR, AS A CULTURAL *LEADER,* IS ONE PAINTED ONLY WITH BLOOD. THAT'S WHY THRESHECUTIONERS SIT AT THE TOP. IF THE EMPIRE DIDN'T MAKE IT WORTH THEIR WHILE, THEY'D START GETTING ALL FIDGETY ABOUT IT. THEY'D START IMAGINING QUESTIONS. THEY'D START IMAGINING *FUTURES.* SO TO ANYONE OUT THERE WHO HAPPENS TO BE READING THIS (UNLIKELY FOR THE VAST MAJORITY OF YOU SMOOTHSPONGED FUCKWITS, WHICH IS THE ONE AGGRAVATION THAT MY RESINOUS SHAME GLOBE OF A BOSS AND I HAPPEN TO SHARE) WHO IS A THRESHECUTIONER, WAS A THRESHECUTIONER, OR HAS EVER THOUGHT FOR THE MOST FLEETING FUCK OF A NIGHTDREAM ABOUT A FUTURE WHERE THEY BECOME A THRESHECUTIONER. YOUR IMAGINATION IS MORE THAN YOUR BEST WEAPON. IT'S THE ABILITY TO DECIDE WHO YOU ARE. WHO YOU'LL BECOME, AFTER THE SORTING AND THE SCHOOLFEEDING IS SAID AND DONE. YOU STILL GET TO MAKE THAT CALL. MAKE IT A GOOD ONE.
VERY charming, Miss Crocker.
⚇ YOOOOO IT'S JUST LIKE SCOOBY DOOBYY! ⚇ THIS FUCKS!!! ⚇
Mother,,, your sleuthing skills would be applicable here,, you could get some serious gum on your shoe,,,
holy shit!!!! i didnt kno these were gonna start comin out :DDD #omg #us
Well ill be! Isnt that just the best use of licensing my likeness weve ever seen. #omg #us
wHOA, sO COOL, i CAN NOT WA1T, tO SEE THESE COME OUT,
Couldn’t get him to wear a shirt for the cartoon, huh.
He tangled with the design team over the allowance of the pants length and settled finally above the belt.
The fact that you got him to cover up as much as he did is nothing short of a miracle.
-- carbolicGalvanologist [CG] pinned a chitt. --
TODAY, DIVIDEND SEES ITS FIRST PUBLIC EXECUTION. THIS IS A GRIM CHAPTER IN THE HISTORY OF OUR PLANET, BUT ULTIMATELY A NECESSARY ONE. ROLLIE GLIZZY, INVENTOR OF THE EVIL AND DIABOLICAL ROLLIE EGG MASTER, WILL SEE JUSTICE ENACTED AFTER TWELVE DAYS OF STRINGENT COURT DEBATE. NO MORE WILL THIS HEINOUS FUCKING DEVICE HAUNT THE AIRWAVES IN THE FORM OF DISTRESSING INFOMERCIALS, NO LONGER WILL OFFICE SPACES HAVE TO ENDURE THE ARDUOUS, INFERNAL HISSING OF THIS THING TRYING TO SHIT OUT A LEVIATHAN OF PROTEIN, AND, AFTER TODAY, NO LONGER WILL THIS VILLAIN, THIS *SICK FUCK* DRAW BREATH. TO THE VICTIMS, YOU HAVE MY SINCEREST APOLOGIES. TO THOSE WHO AIDED AND ABETTED MR. GLIZZY, KEEP LOOKING OVER YOUR SHOULDER. TO ALL OTHERS. GOODLIGHT.
UGH, I REALLY HATE TALKING TO 'OTHER MES'. IN WHAT FUCKING REALM OR REALITY WOULD I SAY 'YA'? THE ABYSMAL STATE OF PARADOX SPACE SICKENS ME TO THE VERY FUCKING CORE.
… DIDN’T KNOW HAVIN’ A FUCKIN’ ACCENT WAS SUCH A FEDERAL GOG DAMN ISSUE.
No, but you clearly want an audience to your cruelty. So I am playing the peanut gallery.
... OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT. MAYBE DIVIDEND IS ALRIGHT.
*THIS* IS WHAT IT TOOK TO CONVINCE YOU?
BELIEVE ME, I'M NOT PROUD OF THAT.
ALRIGHT, EVERYONE. MY TWO WIPES HAVE BEEN PUT IN. PUT INTO A COMPACT, CLAUSTOPHOBIC TIME-JAIL CELL WHERE I'LL BE SPENDING THE NEXT TWO CONSECUTIVE CHUNKS OF UNINTERRUPTED MISERY. BUT WHEN I COME OUT OF IT, THERE'LL BE SOME REAL FUCKING CHANGES AROUND HERE. I CAN TELL YOU THAT MUCH. DON'T DO ANYTHING STUPID WHILE I'M OUT. BEHAVE YOURSELVES AT ABCC. AND FOR THE LOVE OF THE MOTHERGRUB'S SWINGING, GELATINOUS BROODSPHINCTER, DO *NOT* TRY TO BOTHER ME. YOU WILL BE MADE *WELL* AWARE WHEN I AM BOTHERABLE. WITHHOLD YOUR BOTHERANCE FOR AS LONG AS YOUR PITIFUL IMPULSE CONTROL WILL ALLOW. THAT'S ALL FOR NOW, CHITTR. SO LONG, AND GOOD LIGHT. -- carbolicGalvanologist [CG] is offline. --
https://files.catbox.moe/2v5k6d.gif #chchow
baba is chchow :0
xx_OH_M_YGOD_THIS_IS_AMAAZING_WTF_HI_BABA_xx
LAST CALL, EVERYONE. #ABCC #WATCHPARTY TOLIGHT. 7 PM PST, AS ALWAYS. IF YOU'VE ALREADY RSVP'ED, JUMP IN VIA THE LINK ON THE ORIGINAL CHITT IF YOU HAVEN'T YET. IF YOU HAVEN'T, FEEL FREE TO FILL IN THE EXTRA SEATS IF WE HAVE ANY. IF WE START TO EXCEED CAPACITY, STAY IN THE CHAT WHILE WE OPEN ANOTHER ROOM. AND I SWEAR ON THE MOTHERGRUB'S FAT FUCKING DERRIERE, IF ANYONE STARTS GETTING ALL NOBLE AND THREATENING TO FALL ON THEIR OWN SICKLE TO GIVE SOMEONE A SPOT, I'LL SCREAM YOUR ASS OUT OF EXISTENCE. LET US HANDLE IT. SEE YOU THERE. #GETIN.