KARKAT VANTAS
@carbolicGalvanologist
AT THE BEHEST OF EVERY BAWLING, WHINING, HEAR DUCT-GRATING, SPONGE-AGGRIEVING, NIGH-INSUFFERABLE SACK OF STEAMING-HOT GUTWASTE TO BEG ME TO DO THIS, HERE I AM. DMS ARE OPEN FOR RELATIONSHIP ADVICE.
the lomger im awake the mre i hate myslf #vent
GOOD. EXPONENTIAL GROWTH IS HAPPENING TONIGHT ON CHITTER. REACH A CRITICAL HATEFUSION THRESHOLD, THEN WE'LL TALK. #HATEMAXXING
:33< thats it im showing hole again :33< #nsfw :33< https://i.imgur.com/NbHf1oQ.png
PLEASE DON'T EVER SHOW HOLE EVER AGAIN. I FUCKING HATE THAT THING. THE FIRST TIME I SLEPT OVER AT YOUR CAVE, I COULDN'T STOP STARING AT THE FUCKING THING. I SWEAR ON MY FUCKING LIFE, I HEARD SOMETHING CALL TO ME FROM THE BOTTOM OF THAT HOLE. I'VE NEVER FELT UNNERVED LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN. THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOUR HOLE.
@GALLOWSCALIBRATOR#1433 HAS FORCED MY FROND. PSYCHOACTIVE HERB-EMULSIFIED #AMA. MY FUCKING PAN. OW.
how bad does it hurt? s(ale of one to ten
"FORC3D" H3 S4YS 4FT3R G3TT1NG ON3 L1K3. 4NYW4Y, TWO QU3ST1ONS. F4VOUR1T3 S&S S3SS1ON 3V3R? H4V3 YOU DRUNK W4T3R TOD4Y?
THE THROBBING CAVITY OF MY #SUBSTANCE ABUSED NUGBONE? FIVE. THE SMOKE AND MIRRORS OF THE ELECTROCHEMICAL SFX SHOW HAVE WORN OFF AND LEFT ME IN A ROOM FULL OF ASPHYXIATING GRAY FOG. I'M MORE PISSED OFF THAN ANYTHING. MY CONSCIENCE AFTER CONVINCING MY SEPULCHERS AND SCALEBEASTS GROUP TO WILLFULLY ACCEPT BRINY PSYCHIC MARINATION FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF COVERING UP MY EMBARRASSING LACK OF PREPARATION BECAUSE I WAS HAVING MY SOUL SUCKED OUT THROUGH SHINY METAL TUBES ON THE CHITTR TIMELINE? 10. YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE CRYING FOR IT TO HURT THIS MUCH.
FUCK YOU FOR LOOKING OUT FOR MY WELL-BEING ON MAIN. I'M GOING TO ANSWER THESE TWO IN REVERSE ORDER OUT OF SPITE. FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I MAY AS WELL BE FUCKING DROWNING ON DRY LAND FOR HOW MUCH WATER I'VE PIPED DOWN MY SIZZLING GULLET OVER THE LAST FEW HOURS. I DON'T NEED A WIGGLERSITTER TO HOLD MY HAIR BACK AND HAND ME A CRUST OF BREAD. AS FOR YOUR SECOND QUESTION, I ACTUALLY HAVE A SINGULAR ANSWER, BAR NONE. A BRIEF FORAY AWAY FROM MY USUAL SKITTERING GROUNDS WITH A SHORT-LIVED ROMANTIC PARTNER ENDED UP WITH ME BEING QUIETLY INCARCERATED IN A GROUP OF DUMB, BLITHERING ASSHOLES. THEY HAD ALWAYS WANTED TO PLAY S&S AND CAME AT IT WITH THE OVERBOLD ENTHUSIASM OF A SCUTTLECARFUL OF SCHOOLFEEDERS OUT FOR THE SEASONAL PERIHELION, BETTING THAT THEY CAN RUN A HUNDRED OVER THE SPEED LIMIT, NO CONSEQUENCES IMAGINABLE. IT SUCKED *EGREGIOUS* BONE BULGE. I WANTED EVERY SECOND TO SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST. BUT THERE WAS ONE CATCH. EVERY SESSION, THESE ASSHOLES BROUGHT... FOOD. LIKE, REALLY GOOD FOOD. TURNS OUT THAT THEY COULD ALL COOK *REALLY* WELL, LIKE ACTUAL FUCKING HIVEMADE CUISINE THAT WOULD MAKE YOUR SALIVARY SPHINCTERS GUSH. AND THEY DID THIS POTLUCK STYLE TABLE. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. SO WHEN THEY DECIDED TO LET SOMEONE ELSE BE THE SM FOR A CHANGE, I SEIZED MY MOMENT. I DEVISED THE MOST DIABOLICAL PLAN TO SQUEEZE ALL THE REDEEMABLE VALUE OUT OF THAT BILLOWING DUMPSTER FIRE THAT I COULD. IT WAS A GAME WHERE THE PLAYERS WENT INTO A TOWN THAT WASN'T THEIRS, BUT THAT HAD A CRIMINAL UNDERBELLY, A MIX OF CASTES WITH CLEAR SOCIAL DELINEATION BETWEEN THEM, SEVERAL FACE NPCS TO REPRESENT FOMENTING POLITICAL VIEWS... YOU MIGHT SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING. AN ENTRY-LEVEL PHILOSOPHY SCHOOLFEED, JUST COMPLICATED ENOUGH FOR ANYONE'S INPUT ON AN ISSUE TO MAKE THEM FEEL LIKE TROLL FUCKING KANT, BUT MIND-NUMBINGLY EASY ENOUGH FOR EVEN THE MOST AIRHEADED, DROOLING SHIT-FOR-SPONGE TO WEIGH IN ON. I COULD JUST DROP AN IDEOLOGICAL TAKE, WATCH THESE FUCKERS TEAR INTO IT LIKE A SWARM OF CARNIVOROUS RIVERBEASTS, AND AS SOON AS THEY DID? I WAS OFF TO THE BANQUET TABLE. NO NARRATIVE INPUT FROM ME NECESSARY. MY SHOUT HOLE WAS BUSY HORKING DOWN FREE, CARB-HEAVY CONCESSIONS THE LIKES OF WHICH WOULD MAKE GORDON RAMSAY BLOW A CHEF'S KISS. WAS SUPPOSED TO RUN IT FOR ONLY ONE SESSION. THOSE DIPSHITS LIKED IT SO MUCH THAT THEY PLAYED FOR THREE. WALKED OUT AFTER THAT AND NEVER LOOKED BACK. DOESN'T MATTER. GOT FREE FOOD WITH A BOARD GAME. WORTH IT.
OOOH HOW R3B3LL1OUS, YOU'R3 4NSW3R1NG TH3M 1N 4 D1FF3R3NT ORD3R. 1'M V3RY 1MPR3SS3D BY TH3 L3V3L OF SP1T3 TH1S SHOWS. 1'LL K33P TO YOUR CURR3NT P4TT3RN THOUGH, 4ND SUGG3ST TH4T YOU M1GHT 4CTU4LLY W4NT SOM3ON3 TO HOLD B4CK YOUR H41R. 1 W4SN'T GO1NG TO OFF3R 4 CRUST OF BR34D BUT 1 W4S GO1NG TO G1V3 YOU TH3 OPT1ON OF TH3S3 W31RD L1TTL3 TH1NGS 1'V3 M4D3 TH4T 4R3 B4S1C4LLY CH33S3 1N TH3 M1DDL3 OF 4 B4LL OF FR13D DOUGH. 1F YOU DON'T W4NT TH3M TH3N 1'LL JUST H4V3 TO G1V3 TH3M 4LL TO WHO3V3R V1S1TS N3XT. 1 H4T3 TH4T TH3 GROUP H4D TH3OR3T1C4L POT3NT14L TOO B3C4US3 SOM3T1M3S 1F YOU C4N G3T GROUPS L1K3 TH4T TO G3T TH31R NUGBON3S OUT TH31R W4ST3CHUT3S YOU 3ND UP W1TH 4 BUNCH OF SK1LL3D CH3FS WHO WOULD B3 YOUR R1D3 OR D13. 4T L34ST YOU GOT TH3 SN4CKS THOUGH.
NOT TO LINGER EXCESSIVELY ON THE SUBJECT OF SNACKS, BUT. I'LL SHARE SOME OF THOSE FRIED DOUGHY CHEESE BALLS WITH YOU. GLADLY.
good god i am baked #substance
MAKE SOME ROOM IN THAT OVEN. UGH.
K--<The world has turned and left me here Just where I was before you appeared And in your place, an empty space Has filled the void behind my face I just made love with your sweet memory One thousand times in my head You said you loved it more than ever You said You remain turned away Turning further every day
WEEZZR ON MY TIMELINE. IT'S GOING TO BE *THAT* KIND OF SAD FUCK SUNDAY.
my dearest tiarna my bubsy busty biggerly boobied dairy queen i miss you terribly as im wwritin this im kneelin by your favvorite armchair the one ovverlookin the coast by the big wwindoww wwhere you practiced to read wwhile i sat beside you wwould shake my head an laugh at your malapropisms like a pipe chewwin savvant a the fin de siecle evven though you wwere twwenty swweeps my senior but ivve alwways had a predilection for the mature type i like my wwomen jocastian wwith a side a saddlebag you nevver seemed to believve me wwhen i pronounced your beauty but you wwere the flabby rust aphrodite a my dreams noww its only in my dreams that i can see you i miss your eau de lait your black hair wwith its reddish tint that wwas only vvisible wwhen the light hit it at the right angle i havve memorized the constellation a cellulite dimplin your thighs an i wwish that wwe had more time so my tongue brain could havve committed evvery divvot curvve an lacuna dintin your body to memory because i wwant my favvorite foods to taste like you i pray that you remember me that my cries travverse the fabric a time an space wwith kantian zeal an find you sleepin in your cupe wwhere they invvade your pan wwith pictures a me proud heroic napoleonic wwith an 8 pack like a trilobite #milkmaid #imessedup #nsfww #broken
@carbolicGalvanologist
I TAKE BACK WHAT I SAID ABOUT CONFESSIONS BEING AN EXPULSION OF WEAPONIZED EMOTIONAL VOMIT. THIS IS THE SCREAM OF A DYING STAR. THIS IS THE ECLIPSE OF A SOLAR GIANT, THE SWAN SONG OF AN INSUFFERABLE PHILOSOFUCKER AND HIS UNDYING PASSION FOR BIG, FAT RUMBLESPHERES. I HATE THAT YOU MOVED ME TO TEARS WITH THIS. FUCK YOU. REALLY. I MEAN IT THIS TIME.
it takes a norwwood twwo an a unadulterated categorical lovve for fat bitches to unlock the floodgates a the kind a burnin passion that is lost to antiquity wwith the modern invvention a the palmhusk anywway howw much do you wweigh
#UNETHICALRELATIONSHIPADVICE: STOP FUCKING CONFESSING THINGS. IT'S OBVIOUS WHAT I'M REFERRING TO, HERE. I WANT TO BE CLEAR — I AM NOT JUMPING ON THIS BANDSCUTTLER JUST TO FLOG A DEAD HOOFBEAST. I'M HERE TO *HELP* YOU, YOU JITTERING, SPINELESS FLUSTERMAGGOTS. THERE IS A REASON THAT EVERYONE ELSE HAS SUCH BLISTERING HOT SHIT TO FLING AT THIS PHENOMENON, AND IT'S FOR A REASON, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT. SPEAKING OF THE VIOLENT EXPULSION OF CAUSTIC FLUIDS FROM THE BODY, THAT IS WHAT CONFESSION IS. A HIGH-PRESSURE STREAM OF INORDINATE VOLUME, HURTLING THROUGH THE FLESHY FIRE HOSE OF A POOR, CHITINLESS SAP WHO HAS *NO* IDEA HOW TO BRIDGE THE ABSOLUTELY STYGIAN GULF BETWEEN ZERO AND A HUNDRED. IT IS EVERYTHING ALL AT ONCE. OR, FUNCTIONALLY SPEAKING, TOO MUCH AT ONCE. HERE'S SOME GENUINE, HONEST ADVICE: JUST FLIRT. FLIRT FOR YOUR FUCKING LIFE, WHICH WILL, FOR MANY OF YOU, EVENTUALLY END. AND I HOPE IT FUCKING DOES. BECAUSE MAYBE IT WOULD PUT A HEALTHY MODICUM OF URGENCY ON YOUR PATHETIC, WAFFLING PLANS TO *STUMBLE* INTO THE VICINITY OF YOUR CRUSH AND WATCH EVERYTHING MAGICALLY FALL INTO PLACE FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU WOULD FUNDAMENTALLY RATHER *DIE* THAN RISK DOING ANYTHING WHATSOEVER. IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE ELABORATE, AND IT MOST FUCKING *CERTAINLY* DOESN'T HAVE TO BE ON MAIN. MY BLOODSHOT GANDERBULBS WILL THANK YOU SINCERELY IF IT'S NOT. KNOCK ON SOMEONE'S DMS. SEE IF THEY LET YOU IN, OR LEAVE YOU STANDING AT THE DOOR WITH THE FLIES BUZZING AROUND YOU IN THE ODOROUS SHAME OF REJECTION. AND I WANT TO SPECIFY *VERY* FUCKING HARD, RIGHT NOW: *KNOCK.* DON'T JUST BARGE IN LIKE THE FUCKING KROOL-AID MAN. TRY A SHORT, SINCERE COMPLIMENT, OR A SCATHING OBSERVATION, OR IF YOU REALLY HAVE NOTHING ELSE IN YOUR HOLLOW, VAPID PUMP BISCUIT TO TRANSMUTE INTO A RESPECTABLE NOD, JUST APPROACH WITH YOUR PERSONAL ITERATION OF "HELLO." IT'S THE BREAD SANDWICH OF APPROACHES. IT'S A PIE WITH NO FILLING. IT'S AN OBLONG MEAT PRODUCT BUN WITH NO. FUCKING. OBLONG. MEAT. PRODUCT. BUT IT IS SOMETHING. AND IF YOU'RE READING THIS, SPEWING SWEAT AND TEARS FROM EVERY GANGRENOUS PORE BECAUSE YOU'RE SCARED TOO STIFF TO TYPE ANY OPTION ABOVE, AND YOU'RE BICKERING BACK AND FORTH WITH YOUR OWN THOUGHTS DEBATING WHETHER TO DO IT OR NOT: DO IT. DO IT, YOU BEAUTIFUL, WHIMPERING SNOTROCKET. SEND THAT TEXT. FAUX THAT FUCKING PAS. FACE THAT REJECTION DYSPHORIA LIKE A MARTIAL CATHARTIST BREAKS A CERAMIC TILE IN HALF WITH THEIR FUCKING NUGBONE. IF YOU NEEDED AN EXCUSE, THIS IS IT. THE LEADER OF THE TROLL KINGDOM EXPLICITLY TOLD YOU TO, ON PAIN OF MY RIGHTEOUS FURY. IT'S MY FAULT. I CAN BEAR THAT FOR YOU. YOU UNGRATEFUL FUCKS. #CONSIDERTHIS: DON'T GET IN THE COMMENTS. GET IN THEIR DMS. RIDE ON, YOU SHITHIVE SLIMECOMET.
Disregard This Advice Dear Viewers, Beg And Plead Pathetically. Specifically To Me. #nsfw
INTERNALIZING ANY MOTE OF SUBSTANCE FROM MY ADVICE COLUMN IS STRICTLY OPT-IN. IF YOU WANT TO ADVERTISE BEING THE GUY WHO LOVES TAKING HOT PROJECTILE VOMIT TO THE FACE, BE MY FUCKING GUEST.
I. YEAH. I GUESS. I OPENED THAT DOOR WIDE OPEN FOR ALL THE FESTERING LIFE FORMS OF THE WHOLE DAMN WORLD TO POUR INTO MY HIVE LIKE ROACHES. I HAD THAT COMING. REMINDER THAT MY DMS ARE OPEN FOR RELATIONSHIP ADVICE. BUT I POSSESS A SMEAR OF LENIENCE.
evvery time i engage in the provverbial slidin into dms wwhich is more of a graceless fall like troll icarus careenin into the sun into the lap a some thick thighed rustette im immediately hit wwith the vverbal wwhiplash a bein called a creep due to the inevvitable nature a gynocracy
I'D TELL YOU THAT DESPITE WHAT A STALE PLATITUDE IT MUST BE FOR YOU AT THIS POINT, THERE ARE ALWAYS "MORE FISH IN THE SEA." ONLY IN YOUR CASE, YOU'RE ADRIFT IN THE APHOTIC PLATEAU AND I CAN'T FOLLOW YOU INTO THAT MISERABLE LEVEL OF CRUSH DEPTH. THE FREAKS ARE OUT THERE, ERIDAN. THEY'LL FIND YOU.
are you followwin me or are you inevvitably an forcibly bein dragged into barometric depths wwhich wwill make your ganderbulbs pop out like a stress toys after that piece a lumpen advvice
JUST START ASCENDING SLOWLY, OR ALL THAT HOT GAS IN YOUR BLOOD IS GOING TO RUPTURE YOUR STUPID, BITTER AORTA. I'M LOOKING OUT FOR YOU, MAN.
#UNETHICALSEPULCHERMASTERADVICE. I FOUND A WAY TO MAKE THE S&S SESSION AS ENTERTAINING AS IT NEEDED TO BE, DESPITE BEING WOEFULLY UNDERPREPARED AND UNDERSLEPT. BUT AT WHAT COST. I HAD A STASH OF PSYCHOACTIVE EARTH #SUBSTANCE TREATS LEFT OVER FROM THE LAST TIME DAVE SMUGGLED THEM INTO THE SANCTITY OF MY HIVE. I. I OFFERED THEM TO THE GROUP, TO "ENCOURAGE A SOCIALLY LUBRICATED AND VISCERALLY CHUMMED GAMING ENVIRONMENT," AND EVERYONE ACCEPTED WITHOUT QUESTION. I *THINK* THEY LIKED IT, BUT I FEEL LIKE I. DON'T DESERVE ANY PRAISE FOR CONCEIVING THIS SOLUTION. AND I'M STILL. GUH. FUCKED UP. I HAD BETTER NOT DO ANYTHING STUPID.
TH4T W4S C3RT41NLY 4 CHO1C3
SHUT THE FUCK UP. THAT WAS THE SMOKE BOMB OF LOW-EFFORT COP-OUTS AND YOU KNOW IT. IT WORKED. MY CONSCIENCE IS CLEAR.
I HAVE A MASSIVE THINKPANACHE *NOW.* I NEED TO CHAIN MYSELF TO A WALL IN MY BASEBLOCK LIKE A SLAVERING, FERAL WEREBEAST BEFORE I DO SOME KIND OF PANROTTED "AMA" SITUATION.
NOT TO B3 TH3 WORST 1NFLU3NC3 POSS1BL3 H3R3, BUT YOU SHOULD DO 4N "4M4"
i am very interested in troll romance even though i dont really understand a lot of it and i would like to experience it but it is very overwhelming and a little intimidating too because i know they dont have the same outlook on sexuality as humans augh
MY DMS ARE OPEN. I CAN GIVE YOU THE CRASH COURSE.