KARKAT VANTAS
@carbolicGalvanologist
AT THE BEHEST OF EVERY BAWLING, WHINING, HEAR DUCT-GRATING, SPONGE-AGGRIEVING, NIGH-INSUFFERABLE SACK OF STEAMING-HOT GUTWASTE TO BEG ME TO DO THIS, HERE I AM. DMS ARE OPEN FOR RELATIONSHIP ADVICE.
@GALLOWSCALIBRATOR#1433 HAS FORCED MY FROND. PSYCHOACTIVE HERB-EMULSIFIED #AMA. MY FUCKING PAN. OW.
"FORC3D" H3 S4YS 4FT3R G3TT1NG ON3 L1K3. 4NYW4Y, TWO QU3ST1ONS. F4VOUR1T3 S&S S3SS1ON 3V3R? H4V3 YOU DRUNK W4T3R TOD4Y?
THE THROBBING CAVITY OF MY #SUBSTANCE ABUSED NUGBONE? FIVE. THE SMOKE AND MIRRORS OF THE ELECTROCHEMICAL SFX SHOW HAVE WORN OFF AND LEFT ME IN A ROOM FULL OF ASPHYXIATING GRAY FOG. I'M MORE PISSED OFF THAN ANYTHING. MY CONSCIENCE AFTER CONVINCING MY SEPULCHERS AND SCALEBEASTS GROUP TO WILLFULLY ACCEPT BRINY PSYCHIC MARINATION FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF COVERING UP MY EMBARRASSING LACK OF PREPARATION BECAUSE I WAS HAVING MY SOUL SUCKED OUT THROUGH SHINY METAL TUBES ON THE CHITTR TIMELINE? 10. YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE CRYING FOR IT TO HURT THIS MUCH.
FUCK YOU FOR LOOKING OUT FOR MY WELL-BEING ON MAIN. I'M GOING TO ANSWER THESE TWO IN REVERSE ORDER OUT OF SPITE. FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I MAY AS WELL BE FUCKING DROWNING ON DRY LAND FOR HOW MUCH WATER I'VE PIPED DOWN MY SIZZLING GULLET OVER THE LAST FEW HOURS. I DON'T NEED A WIGGLERSITTER TO HOLD MY HAIR BACK AND HAND ME A CRUST OF BREAD. AS FOR YOUR SECOND QUESTION, I ACTUALLY HAVE A SINGULAR ANSWER, BAR NONE. A BRIEF FORAY AWAY FROM MY USUAL SKITTERING GROUNDS WITH A SHORT-LIVED ROMANTIC PARTNER ENDED UP WITH ME BEING QUIETLY INCARCERATED IN A GROUP OF DUMB, BLITHERING ASSHOLES. THEY HAD ALWAYS WANTED TO PLAY S&S AND CAME AT IT WITH THE OVERBOLD ENTHUSIASM OF A SCUTTLECARFUL OF SCHOOLFEEDERS OUT FOR THE SEASONAL PERIHELION, BETTING THAT THEY CAN RUN A HUNDRED OVER THE SPEED LIMIT, NO CONSEQUENCES IMAGINABLE. IT SUCKED *EGREGIOUS* BONE BULGE. I WANTED EVERY SECOND TO SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST. BUT THERE WAS ONE CATCH. EVERY SESSION, THESE ASSHOLES BROUGHT... FOOD. LIKE, REALLY GOOD FOOD. TURNS OUT THAT THEY COULD ALL COOK *REALLY* WELL, LIKE ACTUAL FUCKING HIVEMADE CUISINE THAT WOULD MAKE YOUR SALIVARY SPHINCTERS GUSH. AND THEY DID THIS POTLUCK STYLE TABLE. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. SO WHEN THEY DECIDED TO LET SOMEONE ELSE BE THE SM FOR A CHANGE, I SEIZED MY MOMENT. I DEVISED THE MOST DIABOLICAL PLAN TO SQUEEZE ALL THE REDEEMABLE VALUE OUT OF THAT BILLOWING DUMPSTER FIRE THAT I COULD. IT WAS A GAME WHERE THE PLAYERS WENT INTO A TOWN THAT WASN'T THEIRS, BUT THAT HAD A CRIMINAL UNDERBELLY, A MIX OF CASTES WITH CLEAR SOCIAL DELINEATION BETWEEN THEM, SEVERAL FACE NPCS TO REPRESENT FOMENTING POLITICAL VIEWS... YOU MIGHT SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING. AN ENTRY-LEVEL PHILOSOPHY SCHOOLFEED, JUST COMPLICATED ENOUGH FOR ANYONE'S INPUT ON AN ISSUE TO MAKE THEM FEEL LIKE TROLL FUCKING KANT, BUT MIND-NUMBINGLY EASY ENOUGH FOR EVEN THE MOST AIRHEADED, DROOLING SHIT-FOR-SPONGE TO WEIGH IN ON. I COULD JUST DROP AN IDEOLOGICAL TAKE, WATCH THESE FUCKERS TEAR INTO IT LIKE A SWARM OF CARNIVOROUS RIVERBEASTS, AND AS SOON AS THEY DID? I WAS OFF TO THE BANQUET TABLE. NO NARRATIVE INPUT FROM ME NECESSARY. MY SHOUT HOLE WAS BUSY HORKING DOWN FREE, CARB-HEAVY CONCESSIONS THE LIKES OF WHICH WOULD MAKE GORDON RAMSAY BLOW A CHEF'S KISS. WAS SUPPOSED TO RUN IT FOR ONLY ONE SESSION. THOSE DIPSHITS LIKED IT SO MUCH THAT THEY PLAYED FOR THREE. WALKED OUT AFTER THAT AND NEVER LOOKED BACK. DOESN'T MATTER. GOT FREE FOOD WITH A BOARD GAME. WORTH IT.
OOOH HOW R3B3LL1OUS, YOU'R3 4NSW3R1NG TH3M 1N 4 D1FF3R3NT ORD3R. 1'M V3RY 1MPR3SS3D BY TH3 L3V3L OF SP1T3 TH1S SHOWS. 1'LL K33P TO YOUR CURR3NT P4TT3RN THOUGH, 4ND SUGG3ST TH4T YOU M1GHT 4CTU4LLY W4NT SOM3ON3 TO HOLD B4CK YOUR H41R. 1 W4SN'T GO1NG TO OFF3R 4 CRUST OF BR34D BUT 1 W4S GO1NG TO G1V3 YOU TH3 OPT1ON OF TH3S3 W31RD L1TTL3 TH1NGS 1'V3 M4D3 TH4T 4R3 B4S1C4LLY CH33S3 1N TH3 M1DDL3 OF 4 B4LL OF FR13D DOUGH. 1F YOU DON'T W4NT TH3M TH3N 1'LL JUST H4V3 TO G1V3 TH3M 4LL TO WHO3V3R V1S1TS N3XT. 1 H4T3 TH4T TH3 GROUP H4D TH3OR3T1C4L POT3NT14L TOO B3C4US3 SOM3T1M3S 1F YOU C4N G3T GROUPS L1K3 TH4T TO G3T TH31R NUGBON3S OUT TH31R W4ST3CHUT3S YOU 3ND UP W1TH 4 BUNCH OF SK1LL3D CH3FS WHO WOULD B3 YOUR R1D3 OR D13. 4T L34ST YOU GOT TH3 SN4CKS THOUGH.
NOT TO LINGER EXCESSIVELY ON THE SUBJECT OF SNACKS, BUT. I'LL SHARE SOME OF THOSE FRIED DOUGHY CHEESE BALLS WITH YOU. GLADLY.
#UNETHICALRELATIONSHIPADVICE: STOP FUCKING CONFESSING THINGS. IT'S OBVIOUS WHAT I'M REFERRING TO, HERE. I WANT TO BE CLEAR — I AM NOT JUMPING ON THIS BANDSCUTTLER JUST TO FLOG A DEAD HOOFBEAST. I'M HERE TO *HELP* YOU, YOU JITTERING, SPINELESS FLUSTERMAGGOTS. THERE IS A REASON THAT EVERYONE ELSE HAS SUCH BLISTERING HOT SHIT TO FLING AT THIS PHENOMENON, AND IT'S FOR A REASON, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT. SPEAKING OF THE VIOLENT EXPULSION OF CAUSTIC FLUIDS FROM THE BODY, THAT IS WHAT CONFESSION IS. A HIGH-PRESSURE STREAM OF INORDINATE VOLUME, HURTLING THROUGH THE FLESHY FIRE HOSE OF A POOR, CHITINLESS SAP WHO HAS *NO* IDEA HOW TO BRIDGE THE ABSOLUTELY STYGIAN GULF BETWEEN ZERO AND A HUNDRED. IT IS EVERYTHING ALL AT ONCE. OR, FUNCTIONALLY SPEAKING, TOO MUCH AT ONCE. HERE'S SOME GENUINE, HONEST ADVICE: JUST FLIRT. FLIRT FOR YOUR FUCKING LIFE, WHICH WILL, FOR MANY OF YOU, EVENTUALLY END. AND I HOPE IT FUCKING DOES. BECAUSE MAYBE IT WOULD PUT A HEALTHY MODICUM OF URGENCY ON YOUR PATHETIC, WAFFLING PLANS TO *STUMBLE* INTO THE VICINITY OF YOUR CRUSH AND WATCH EVERYTHING MAGICALLY FALL INTO PLACE FOR YOU BECAUSE YOU WOULD FUNDAMENTALLY RATHER *DIE* THAN RISK DOING ANYTHING WHATSOEVER. IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE ELABORATE, AND IT MOST FUCKING *CERTAINLY* DOESN'T HAVE TO BE ON MAIN. MY BLOODSHOT GANDERBULBS WILL THANK YOU SINCERELY IF IT'S NOT. KNOCK ON SOMEONE'S DMS. SEE IF THEY LET YOU IN, OR LEAVE YOU STANDING AT THE DOOR WITH THE FLIES BUZZING AROUND YOU IN THE ODOROUS SHAME OF REJECTION. AND I WANT TO SPECIFY *VERY* FUCKING HARD, RIGHT NOW: *KNOCK.* DON'T JUST BARGE IN LIKE THE FUCKING KROOL-AID MAN. TRY A SHORT, SINCERE COMPLIMENT, OR A SCATHING OBSERVATION, OR IF YOU REALLY HAVE NOTHING ELSE IN YOUR HOLLOW, VAPID PUMP BISCUIT TO TRANSMUTE INTO A RESPECTABLE NOD, JUST APPROACH WITH YOUR PERSONAL ITERATION OF "HELLO." IT'S THE BREAD SANDWICH OF APPROACHES. IT'S A PIE WITH NO FILLING. IT'S AN OBLONG MEAT PRODUCT BUN WITH NO. FUCKING. OBLONG. MEAT. PRODUCT. BUT IT IS SOMETHING. AND IF YOU'RE READING THIS, SPEWING SWEAT AND TEARS FROM EVERY GANGRENOUS PORE BECAUSE YOU'RE SCARED TOO STIFF TO TYPE ANY OPTION ABOVE, AND YOU'RE BICKERING BACK AND FORTH WITH YOUR OWN THOUGHTS DEBATING WHETHER TO DO IT OR NOT: DO IT. DO IT, YOU BEAUTIFUL, WHIMPERING SNOTROCKET. SEND THAT TEXT. FAUX THAT FUCKING PAS. FACE THAT REJECTION DYSPHORIA LIKE A MARTIAL CATHARTIST BREAKS A CERAMIC TILE IN HALF WITH THEIR FUCKING NUGBONE. IF YOU NEEDED AN EXCUSE, THIS IS IT. THE LEADER OF THE TROLL KINGDOM EXPLICITLY TOLD YOU TO, ON PAIN OF MY RIGHTEOUS FURY. IT'S MY FAULT. I CAN BEAR THAT FOR YOU. YOU UNGRATEFUL FUCKS. #CONSIDERTHIS: DON'T GET IN THE COMMENTS. GET IN THEIR DMS. RIDE ON, YOU SHITHIVE SLIMECOMET.
I. YEAH. I GUESS. I OPENED THAT DOOR WIDE OPEN FOR ALL THE FESTERING LIFE FORMS OF THE WHOLE DAMN WORLD TO POUR INTO MY HIVE LIKE ROACHES. I HAD THAT COMING. REMINDER THAT MY DMS ARE OPEN FOR RELATIONSHIP ADVICE. BUT I POSSESS A SMEAR OF LENIENCE.
this is what i've been sa7ing! with less words. and insults. and word7 insults.
evvery time i engage in the provverbial slidin into dms wwhich is more of a graceless fall like troll icarus careenin into the sun into the lap a some thick thighed rustette im immediately hit wwith the vverbal wwhiplash a bein called a creep due to the inevvitable nature a gynocracy
I'D TELL YOU THAT DESPITE WHAT A STALE PLATITUDE IT MUST BE FOR YOU AT THIS POINT, THERE ARE ALWAYS "MORE FISH IN THE SEA." ONLY IN YOUR CASE, YOU'RE ADRIFT IN THE APHOTIC PLATEAU AND I CAN'T FOLLOW YOU INTO THAT MISERABLE LEVEL OF CRUSH DEPTH. THE FREAKS ARE OUT THERE, ERIDAN. THEY'LL FIND YOU.
are you followwin me or are you inevvitably an forcibly bein dragged into barometric depths wwhich wwill make your ganderbulbs pop out like a stress toys after that piece a lumpen advvice
JUST START ASCENDING SLOWLY, OR ALL THAT HOT GAS IN YOUR BLOOD IS GOING TO RUPTURE YOUR STUPID, BITTER AORTA. I'M LOOKING OUT FOR YOU, MAN.
#UNETHICALSEPULCHERMASTERADVICE. I FOUND A WAY TO MAKE THE S&S SESSION AS ENTERTAINING AS IT NEEDED TO BE, DESPITE BEING WOEFULLY UNDERPREPARED AND UNDERSLEPT. BUT AT WHAT COST. I HAD A STASH OF PSYCHOACTIVE EARTH #SUBSTANCE TREATS LEFT OVER FROM THE LAST TIME DAVE SMUGGLED THEM INTO THE SANCTITY OF MY HIVE. I. I OFFERED THEM TO THE GROUP, TO "ENCOURAGE A SOCIALLY LUBRICATED AND VISCERALLY CHUMMED GAMING ENVIRONMENT," AND EVERYONE ACCEPTED WITHOUT QUESTION. I *THINK* THEY LIKED IT, BUT I FEEL LIKE I. DON'T DESERVE ANY PRAISE FOR CONCEIVING THIS SOLUTION. AND I'M STILL. GUH. FUCKED UP. I HAD BETTER NOT DO ANYTHING STUPID.
SHUT THE FUCK UP. THAT WAS THE SMOKE BOMB OF LOW-EFFORT COP-OUTS AND YOU KNOW IT. IT WORKED. MY CONSCIENCE IS CLEAR.
I HAVE A MASSIVE THINKPANACHE *NOW.* I NEED TO CHAIN MYSELF TO A WALL IN MY BASEBLOCK LIKE A SLAVERING, FERAL WEREBEAST BEFORE I DO SOME KIND OF PANROTTED "AMA" SITUATION.
NOT TO B3 TH3 WORST 1NFLU3NC3 POSS1BL3 H3R3, BUT YOU SHOULD DO 4N "4M4"
GOOD FUCKING SHIT, THE MOONS ARE BRIGHT TODAY. BLUH.
MY STANDING DECISION TO LEAVE MY GANDERBULBS PAINFULLY EXPOSED TO THE SCATHING LIGHT OF THE WAKING WORLD IS THE ONLY THING STEMMING THE TIDE OF A VERY SPECIFIC FASHION TREND AMONG FIFTY PERCENT OF THE TROLL KINGDOM'S LEADERSHIP. IF I START WEARING SOOTGLASSES TOO, EVERYONE HERE IS GOING TO THINK THAT DEMOCRACY IS DEAD. KARKAT VANTAS STARES DIRECTLY INTO THE MOON WITH HIS BLOODSHOT BULBS FOR *LIBERTY.*
ya just tried starin harder at em just outta spite? heard some folk train their eyes to handle the light that way, doin' it in about 10 minute bursts?
CAN'T SLEEP YET. SUN GOING DOWN. WORDLE. #WORDLE NO. 1765 3/6 🟨⬛🟨⬛🟨 🟨🟨⬛🟨🟨 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
WHAT A FUCKING SURPRISE. AFTER SUCCESSFULLY DODGING THE NECESSITY FOR AN ONLINE PLATFORM FOR SWEEPS ONLY TO BE SNARED INTO THE VICIOUS, STICKY TENDRILS OF THE WORLD-WIDE WEB LIKE A BUZZING INSECT, IT HAPPENED. I SPENT SO FUCKING LONG TELLING OFF THE LOSERS WHO HAD THE GUMPTION TO QUESTION MY VIRILITY THAT I COMPLETELY FORGOT. TO PREP FOR THE SESSION OF #SEPULCHRES&SCALEBEASTS THAT I AM RUNNING TOMORROW. FUCK. GUESS I WON'T BE HITTING THE SLIME JUST YET. #LATELIGHT CHITTRS (CHITTERS?), TROLL AT YOUR OWN PERIL. BUT IT'S NOT LIKE I HAVE ANYWHERE ELSE TO BE. I'LL JUST BE SLAVING OVER SOME NOTES. SO MANY NOTES. UGH. HTTPS://CDN.IMGCHEST.COM/FILES/8265F3D73B80.JPG
shit guess ill stick wwith the +3 boots then and just revverse em on you then think that should be fine to deal wwith potentially also no i dont use wwands and havve no affinity towwards em either i got my harpoon to throww around and shoot at people like the as you put it wwhimsical fop that i supposedly am
G3NU1N3LY M4K3S M3 W4NN4 PL4Y MOR3. YOU COULD DO 4 COMB4T H34VY S3SS1ON 1F YOU W4NT 4 L1TTL3 L3SS NOT3S 4ND 4LL.
THE EQUIVALENT OF THE SUBSTITUTE SCHOOLFEEDER WHEELING OUT THE VIEWTUBE AND PUTTING ON A MOVIE. I'M TEMPTED. UNFORTUNATELY, THE SINGLE, SHRIVELED FIBER OF DIGNITY LEFT IN MY BODY THAT HAS SURVIVED BEING IRRADIATED TO CELLULAR OBLITERATION IS COMPELLING ME TO PUT MY BLOOD, BILE, AND BALEFLUID INTO THIS ONE. ESPECIALLY BECAUSE I'M GETTING FREE SNACKS FOR DOING IT. IF PEOPLE START THINKING THAT THE VALUE OF ENGAGEMENT IS DIMINISHING IN QUALITY, IT'S MY HUNGRY ASS OUT ON THE PAVEMENT.
I'LL KNIT YOU A +3 FISHERMAN'S GANSEY OF WHO GIVES A FUCK. YOUR BUILD WILL REALLY COME ONLINE, AFTER THAT.
FR33 SN4CKS 4R3 4LW4YS 1MPORT4NT. R34L H1GH ST4K3S TH3R3. BUT 1 TH1NK YOUR GROUP SHOULD B3 UND3RST4ND1NG OF ON3 S3SS1ON 1S, D4R3 1 S4Y 1T, M1DT13R QU4L1TY.
I GUESS SO. VANITY STILL HAS ITS BARBED CLAWS IN ME, RAKING THE LINING OF MY DIGESTION SAC. BUT I'M BOUND TO TRIP OVER MY FEET AND SPILL ALL THE POLYHEDRAL CLICKETY CLACKS OUT OF MY POCKET EVENTUALLY. I JUST DON'T THINK THAT I COULD BEAR TO ADMIT THAT THE REASON THIS SESSION IS BARKBEASTSHIT IS BECAUSE I GOT SUCKED INTO A GAUNTLET OF ARGUMENTS ON FUCKING CHITTR. I'D SOONER TEAR OUT EACH INDIVIDUAL PAGE OF THE SEPULCHERMASTER'S GUIDE, FOLD THEM INTO A GIGANTIC ORIGAMI STALAGMITE, AND SWAN DIVE ONTO IT UNTIL IT IMPALES ME THROUGH THE PUSHER. IT WOULD BE TOO FUCKING EMBARRASSING TO SURVIVE.
...T3LL TH3M YOU W3R3 C4UGHT UP G1V1NG ROM4NT1C 4DV1C3 TO DUMB4SS3S ON CH1TTR. 1F YOU T3LL TH3M 4NYTH1NG 4T 4LL. OTH3RW1S3 4 W3LL THOUGHT OUT NPC 3NCOUNT3R TH4T L34DS TO 4 COMB4T 1S H4RDLY SCUTTL3PHON1NG 1T 1N. 4LT3RN4T1V3LY, G1V3 TH3M 4 MURD3R MYST3RY TO SOLV3.
THE GENUINE BALM OF RELIEF THAT IT IS TO HEAR THAT FROM *YOU* OF ALL TROLLS IS COMMENDABLE. I AM FEELING GRADUALLY LESS SELF-LOATHING OVER THE UNAVOIDABLE ENSHITTIFICATION OF THIS S&S SESSION. WE REALLY SHOULD TALK SHOP, ONE OF THESE DAYS. SM TO SM.
GOOD! B3C4US3 HON3STLY, TH3 WORST 3XP3R13NC3 1S WH3N YOUR SM 1S SO T1R3D FROM PR3PP1NG TH3 S3SS1ON TH4T TH3Y ST4RT TO F4LL 4SL33P. OR DON'T H4V3 TH3 3N3RGY TO PL4Y NPCS.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS NECESSARY, BUT THE SHEER, UNMITIGATED VOLUME OF ALTSELF INCARNATIONS OF A DECIDEDLY SINGULAR ORIENTATION AND DISPOSITION TOWARD A SPECIFIC, UNNAMED STRIDER HAS REACHED A NECK-DEEP FLOOD LEVEL THAT I CAN NO LONGER IGNORE FOR MY OWN SAKE. HENCE THIS ARBITRARY STATEMENT OF MY POSITION, FOR THE POSTERITY OF HOWEVER LONG I REMAIN ON THIS CHARRED, SMOLDERING FIREPIT OF A HELLSITE. NOT TAKEN. NOT COMMITTED. FEMALES: MAY INQUIRE. MAY ASK. ALL AT YOUR OWN RISK. #TENTATIVELYNSFW #NOTREALLY #CONTAINSMULTITUDES
THIS "GENTLEMAN'S" DELIVERY, FOR YOUR CLARIFICATION, IS OF THE MOST FUNCTIONAL, MINIMALISTIC, AND STRICTLY NECESSARY DOSAGE. WE ARE TALKING MILLIGRAMS. WE ARE TALKING CCS. WE ARE TALKING THE BARE FUCKING MINIMUM OF PRACTICAL, ONLINE REPUGNANCE TO KEEP AWAY THE SLIMY, UNORIGINAL ASSUMPTIONS OF A DROOLING HORDE ACCUSTOMED TO SEEING ME WITH ONE OTHER PERSON. THAT IS ALL. FANCY SEEING YOU TURN UP AT THIS EXACT MOMENT, ON THIS EXACT POST, TOO.
It just seems like rather the nuclear approach when I doubt anyone would have held him to those expectations otherwise.
AUHHHGHGHGHHGHGHGHGHGHH--- LEAVE ME ALONE AAAAAUGH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGHGHHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGH--- HTTPS://MEDIA1.TENOR.COM/M/HSNUCAG6P8YAAAAD/AKIRA-LEAVE-ME-ALONE.GIF
Oh, keep your britches on for ALL intents and purposes. You happen to be the only familiar face on my evening scroll. I expect you're something of a newcomer, so I'll take this moment to enlighten you: you will witness iterations of yourself so contrived- fetched SO far from any semblance of your own identity- that it will make your melon spin. You're as liable to date [he who shall not be mentioned here, apparently] as you are to climb up before a live theatrical audience in a bedazzled pink suit. This crowd expects the unexpected at the baseline.
NEED TO REACH FOR THE IMAGE FILE ALMOST GOT IT THERE
(NOW THAT MY THINKPAN IS NO LONGER BEING BEAMED BY A JEALOUS, SPITEFUL HARPY.) MY BRITCHES, MELON, AND ALL OTHER RIDICULOUS HUMAN MISNOMERS FOR THE LOCALIZED COMPONENTS OF MY BODY — SAVE FOR MY TWO MIDDLE FINGERS, WHICH ARE BEING FLUNG IN YOUR DIRECTION WITH VELOCITY SUFFICIENT TO GENERATE A FUCKING SHOCKWAVE — ARE IN CHECK. LOCKED DOWN. RIGHT WHERE I WANT THEM. THE AFOREMENTIONED UNMENTIONABLE AND I ARE ON PERFECTLY GOOD TERMS. I AM TAKING ONE UNBOTHERSOME *MILLISECOND* OUT OF MY NIGHT TO MAKE THE PREEMPTIVE STIPULATION THAT IN MY CHAPTER OF THIS PAN-UNIVERSAL FARCE, THAT IS ALL WE ARE. EXCEPT THAT NOW I AM TAKING ADDITIONAL TIME TO EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU. BECAUSE YOU APPARENTLY CANNOT HELP BUT LITIGATE AN OTHERWISE INNOCUOUS CLAIM, OR THE BLACK, SLUDGY PETTINESS WILL START POURING OUT OF YOUR EARS AND THROUGH YOUR TEAR DUCTS. AND FRANKLY, I'M SURPRISED YOU CONSIDER A PINK-SUITED STAGE MUSICAL NUMBER TO BE THAT FAR INTO THE REALM OF IMPLAUSIBILITY. IT FEELS LIKE A THING YOU WOULD HAVE ASKED ME TO DO FOR ANOTHER WORTHLESS PR STUNT AGES AGO. AND THERE IS NOT A ZERO PERCENT CHANCE THAT I MIGHT — IN AT LEAST ONE VERSION OF EVENTS — CONSIDER IT.
#UNETHICALRELATIONSHIPADVICE OF THE NIGHT: IF AN INJURY IS DONE TO A PITCHMATE, IT SHOULD BE SO SEVERE THAT THEIR DESIRE FOR VENGEANCE NEED NOT BE LACKING IN PASSION NOR AWE. SOME OF YOU FLAILING, MYOPIC SYCOPHANTS ARE SO EAGER TO GLAZE YOUR KISMESES IN A FRESH COAT OF VITRIOL THAT NONE OF IT IS LEFT FOR A *REAL* GESTURE OF CARE. TRITE, MINDLESS PLATITUDES CAN BE HABITUATED TO. IF I THREW YOUR ASS INTO A BLOCK FULL OF FARTS AND LOCKED THE DOOR, YOU WOULD PROBABLY JUST DEVELOP SOME KIND OF METHANE-BREATHING ATMOSPHERIC ADAPTATION AND CONTINUE TO SCROLL ON YOUR PALMHUSK UNTIL YOUR GANDERBULBS BURNED OUT. AND EVEN THEN, YOUR DEMENTED SNIFF NUB WOULDN'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. FURTHERMORE, ENERGY SPENT RECKLESSLY LEAVES A TROLL'S ANGUISH BLADDER SHRIVELED AND UNFIT FOR THE NOBLE UNDERTAKING OF A PROPER, EFFORTFUL HATEPOCALYPSE. GOOD MAINTENANCE OF A RELATIONSHIP IS LIKE CRACKING OPEN AND DRINKING AN EXCAVATED CANISTER OF CESIUM-137 — IF YOU'RE GOING TO DO IT AT ALL, YOU MAY AS WELL DO IT ALL AT ONCE. I'M NOT SAYING THAT THE SMALL MOMENTS AREN'T WORTH IT. SEEING THE SUBTLE FURROW IN THE BROW OF A LOATHED ONE AFTER A WELL-PLACED "GREEDILY SCARF DOWN SHIT AND DIE" IS AN ENDEARING WAY TO DARKEN MY EVENING. BUT IF YOU FIND YOURSELF IN NEED TO REIGNITE A ROOM OF FLAMMABLE, NATURAL GAS AFTER THE FLAME HAS FIZZLED, YOU'D BETTER LIGHT THAT FUCKING MATCH AND RIDE THE ENSUING SHOCKWAVE STRAIGHT THROUGH WHATEVER REBAR-LITTERED FIELD OF DEBRIS YOU'RE RIGHTFULLY HURTLING TOWARD. YOU SINGED, QUIVERING INVERTEBRATE. THROW THAT MATCH. BLOW UP THAT HIVE. SHOW THEM THAT YOU CARE. #CONSIDERTHIS: WHAT'S *YOUR* FAVORITE WAY TO RECEIVE HATE? GET IN THE COMMENTS. THERE. THAT'S *MY* CONTRIBUTION TO COMMUNITY ENGAGEMENT. FLAY ME.
I feel like nothing was able to show my contempt quite like stabbing a guy with a trusty knife until some midnight mook went and stole that gimmick from me and made their whole personality around it.
SLOW-DANCING WITH YOUR HATRED IS A RESPECTABLE AND TIME-HONORED PITCH INCARNATION. HATE CAN BE SOFT. HATE CAN BE SENSUAL. BUT IF YOU'RE NOT FOCUSED ON INTENSITY, THEN I HOPE FOR YOUR SAKE THAT YOU'RE AT LEAST BEING COMPENSATED IN DEPTH. WE'D BETTER NOT BE TALKING ABOUT SOME KIND OF GORMLESS COTTAGECORE HATRED, HERE. LEAVING THE FUCKING MAILCASK OPEN, OR TURNING A PINK LAWN FLAPBEAST BACKWARDS, OR SOME TAME, TRIVIAL IRRITANT LIKE THAT.
CONSIDERING THAT I'M DEEPLY FAMILIAR WITH AFOREMENTIONED MIDNIGHT MOOK, IMITATION IS USUALLY THE HIGHEST FORM OF FLATTERY. I CAN'T IMAGINE A MORE HATE-FROTHING WAY TO STIR MY IRE THAN TO TAKE MY THING AND DO IT BETTER. IT'S WHY I MAKE A POINT TO BE RUTHLESSLY GOOD AT WHAT I DO. MAYBE HE'S TRYING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING. MAYBE YOU SHOULD CALL HIM.
wow... thats deep as hell, dude... respect, respect. no hate to cottagecore tho, that sh*ts k1nda dope... tak1ng care of cluckbeast and sh*t, out 1n the m1ddle of the woods... sounds bangarang to me, man!
I dunno I'm suddenly feeling very stabby at you for gut-wretching implication that me and Spades Stupid would ever willingly talk to one another let alone anything deeper. But as the bigger man between me and him, I will simply say "No fuckin' way are you goddamn crazy???"
IN FAIRNESS, BEING BIGGER THAN SLICK IN INNUMERABLE REGARDS IS NOT A FEAT. I'M ALMOST POSITIVE THAT THE SHORT GUY ON HIS TEAM IS EMPLOYED SPECIFICALLY AS A STOPGAP TO PROTECT HIM FROM THE BOTTOMMOST SUPERLATIVE. PLATONIC HATE IS PERFECTLY FINE, TOO. IF EVERY GRUBCHOP WERE PERFECT, WE WOULDN'T HAVE OBLONG MEAT PRODUCTS.
im partial to extravvagant displays a malice like collapsin a building on top of them or runnin them ovver wwith a vvehicle granted naturally theyre durable enough to handle that kinda output or possess simple enough means to resurrect
SOME DETRACTORS OF THE BRUTE VIOLENCE METHOD WILL SAY THAT THE GRUBFISTED APPROACH IS BOORISH AND LACKING IN THE NECESSARY SUBTLETY TO MAKE A PITCH FLIRTATION FEEL MEMORABLE. ONE, SELF-PRESERVATION IS A HELL OF A DRUG. SOME PEOPLE ARE ADDICTS. I AM ADMITTEDLY AMONG THEM, BUT MY PASSION FOR PASSION TRANSCENDS THE SQUEAMISHNESS OF BODILY MUTILATION. TWO, THE SHEER VARIATION OF POSSIBLE BUILDINGS TO BE COLLAPSED ON YOUR PITCH CRUSH IS A RIPE SPOREBED OF NUB-CRAFTED SUBTLETY. COLLAPSING A HIVE? FAMILIARITY BREEDS CONTEMPT. COLLAPSING A CLASSY RESTAURANT WITH HIGH CEILINGS AND A CRYSTAL CHANDELIER? ELEGANT, INTIMATE. COLLAPSING A HIGH-RISE SKYSCRAPER? THOSE ARE DESIGNED TO FALL INWARDS IN A PERFECTLY LOCALIZED HEAP OF BEAMS AND RUBBLE. THE GEOMETRIC SPECTACLE OF RUIN THAT COMES CAREENING DOWN FROM THE SKY AS YOUR PITCH CRUSH WATCHES FROM THE GROUND LEVEL IS SURE TO BE A SIGHT THEY'LL REMEMBER AS LONG AS THEY LIVE. WHICH WILL, I HOPE, NOT BE CUT SHORT WITHOUT ACCESS TO SOME SORT OF IMMEDIATE RESURRECTION. BECAUSE OTHERWISE YOU'RE JUST A FUCKING MURDERER. WAIT, WHAT AM I SAYING. THIS ISN'T KARKAT'S #ETHICALRELATIONSHIPADVICE. GO HIVESHIT, MAN.
youre a fuckin poet man can i contact you regardin date ideas for future obsidian entanglements this is great material
THIS IS, AS I HAVE PREVIOUSLY STATED, MY CONTRIBUTION TO COMMUNITY ENGAGEMENT. RELATIONSHIP COUNSELING IS MY CHARRED, SMOKING OFFERING TO THE MOLOCH OF THE ALGORITHM. IT'S YOUR DECISION TO PRY OFF A HUNK OF ITS FLESH OR NOT. SO YEAH. DMS ARE OPEN. #PITCHMAXXING.
UNSTOPPABLE. #WORDLE NO. 1764 2/6 🟩🟨⬛🟩🟩 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
NOT ONE BLITHERING, TAINTCHAFING ZEPTOSECOND OF CONSCIOUSNESS AFTER WAKING UP POST-HORRIBLY COERCIVE #WRIGGLINGDAY CELEBRATION (THE FACTUAL PLEASANTRY OF WHICH WAS MORE AKIN TO PACKING A TRASH KILN WITH NOXIOUS MACROPLASTICS AND DANCING AROUND IT WHILE SINGING THE IMPERIAL ANTHEM WITH MY BELLOWSACS FULL OF LITERAL POISON) AND THE FIRST STIMULUS TO SEAR MY BLOODSHOT GANDERBULBS IS CERULEAN. BLUE. TEXT. FUCK YOU, @ARACHNIDSGRIPES. THE TWENTY-FOUR-HOUR WINDOW IN WHICH I AM REQUIRED BY APPARENT KARMIC LAW TO BE ONE-HUNDRED-MILLIONTH OF A PERCENT NICER TO YOU HAS OFFICIALLY ENDED. THE DAMAGE IS DONE, AND I AM HERE. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY. EXCEPT I DON'T. MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS HAVE EXPRESS SHIPPING TO THE FIRST HIGHER POWER TO PERMANENTLY TURN YOU INTO A SILHOUETTE ON THE PAVEMENT. BUT YOU GOT WHAT YOU WANTED. I AM THE CHITTR. IT'S ME. #EVERYTHINGHURTS.
PLEASE TELL ME THAT NEITHER OF MY TWO HUMAN TROLL KINGDOM CO-ADMINISTRATORS SCRAPED MY FUCKING CELLS WHILE I WAS SLEEPING TO PROPAGATE YOU. IF LUSUSHOOD IS THRUST UPON ME, I CAN LIVE WITH THAT. BUT IF YOU'RE HERE EXPECTING ANY AMOUNT OF PATERNAL MENTORSHIP, THIS IS GOING TO BE LESS OF A "CAPABLE GUARDIAN FIGURE AND HIS WARD WHO IS WHISKED INTO A FLIGHT OF WHIMSY AND ADVENTURE" AND MUCH, MUCH MORE OF A "DESSICATED, OLDER, CRESTFALLEN MALE AND THE FLEABITTEN ORPHAN HE'S TRAVELING WITH WHO WOULD BE FRANKLY BETTER OFF RAISED BY TERMITES." IT'S NOTHING PERSONAL. I JUST NEED TO SET APPROPRIATE EXPECTATIONS FOR YOU. THIS IS A "MICROWAVE GRUBLOAF AND TAP WATER" KIND OF HIVEHOLD. AND HALF OF THAT GRUBLOAF IS MINE.
ahahahaha oh my god, i never get to see my crabdad rant like that!! XD but nah afaik tay's the only human around with troll genes. mom and dad considered it but i guess ectobiology doesn't work the same as sylph magic? and tbh you probably told them oh, you didn't want your disgusting failure of genetics to continue to propagate any more flesh than it already does to keep your own fetid carcass alive, or somesuch self-deprecating vulgar bullshit :P
FIRST OF ALL — FUCK YOU FOR QUOTING ME DOWN TO THE LETTER. I BRIEFLY HYPOTHESIZED WHAT I WOULD SAY IF SOMEONE ASKED TO CREATE A HYBRIDIZED CHILD WITH MY GENES, AND THAT STRING OF WORDS CAME OUT NEARLY VERBATIM. I AM ONE-HUNDRED PERCENT BETTER AND MORE ARTICULATE THAN YOUR TIMELINE'S STUPID SELF-LOATHING VERSION OF ME. MY SELF-LOATHING IS ON ANOTHER PLANE OF EXISTENCE THE LIKES OF WHICH CAN'T BE SEEN WITH YOUR MORTAL EYES, WITH OR WITHOUT YOUR STUPID SHADES ON. SECOND — I GUESS IF YOU *HAVE* TO HAVE AN ALTERNIAN GODPARENT AND YOUR OWN ISN'T AROUND OR UP TO THE CHALLENGE, THEN I'LL JUST HAVE TO BE THE CRABDAD WHO STEPPED UP. GRUBLOAF IS IN THE FRIDGE. ACTUALLY NO WAIT DON'T COME ANYWHERE NEAR MY REAL LOCATION STAY THE FUCK AWAY
XD no problem dude!! i kinda freaked out on the first karkat who freaked out about me like, existing, but i'm prepared now, and kinda just having fun with it!! oh and um. sorry to hear about the self-loathing? i heard my crabdad used to struggle with that real bad... 8(
I DO NOT STRUGGLE WITH MY SELF-LOATHING. I AM A SAVANT OF RIDING THE TIDAL WAVE OF MY THUNDEROUS SELF-HATRED. SPARKLING DROPLETS OF SCINTILLATING, SELF-DIRECTED ANIMOSITY SPRAY FROM THE SHINING CREST OF THE SEA THAT IS MY PURE HATRED FOR MY EXISTENCE. AND I, GLORIOUS TROLL KAHUNA THAT I AM, SURF IN THE BARREL OF THAT ROILING SEA OF SELF-LOATHING. I STRIDE ACROSS THE SHIMMERING, VOLCANIC BEACH AT THE SHORES OF MY SELF-LOATHING, A THIN SHEEN OF MALICE REFRACTING MOONLIGHT OFF MY BODY AS I STRIDE ACROSS THE SAND IN SLOW-MOTION. IT IS TUBULAR. IT IS GNARLY. IT IS NOT A STRUGGLE. IT IS MY FUCKING LIFE. COWABUNGA IT IS, MY YOUNG, MISBEGOTTEN CRABPUPA.
god that's so sick it almost makes me forget it's depressing... hope you feel better man! 8V