Unfriendly reminder that I fucking hate Jane Crocker and Dirk "Ultimate Douchebag" Strider
Maybe take a break from humping that thesaurus, Rose.
Hmm. Perhaps your right. I ought to have a word with your mother about language. It doesn't seem especially like Jade to be so standoffish about crudeness like this. "Taking a break humping". "Jade, what would that solve?" Cunning linguist that she is, I'm sure she could devise some swear alternative or substitute like "stop trying to teach the dictionary new tricks!" or "you don't need to roll over every five dollar word you know!" or "stop making the dictionary whimper and whine, rruuuff!" You are very lucky to have Jade as a mother, you know. Were I in your position, I think something like that would utterly fix me.
Oh yeah, so lucky the bitch sent me away as a baby. Soooo lucky.
I don't pretend to understand her choices. Or why whatever pitifully unsuitable soul she selected when making the beast with two backs would abandon such a promising prospect like you as a child. I only know that she is a good person. Fundamentally. And were it up to me, I would have insisted and ensured she continued to be, no matter what. It is the least you deserved. And I'm sorry, it would seem, it wasn't what you had.
What?
The joke won't have as satisfying payoff if I tell you
Must not be to my fraught sensibilities, then. At any rate. It'll be a pleasure to see what becomes of you. With or without parental influence. As someone with something of a fraught relationship with my own mother, I can certainly relate. She would make these transparently naked attempts to relate to me. Showering me with gifts I didn't want. Corresponding to interests I didn't have. With praises I hadn't earned. Recognition she didn't arrive upon herself. It was maddening. I'd sooner thrust my sewing needles into a livewire and scarf it down like impromptu pork tonkotsu than spend another minute listening to her lecturing me. I recognize and fully comprehend the irony in almost subjecting you to something quite similar myself, and this is without the sanguine shackles of blood relation. I suppose...in a way. I just see a lot of myself in you. And I want more than anything in the whole wide world for you to better than I did. Even if you are starting off with considerably less than I had.