Juni - Circuit BR8KR System
@stuckoutofTime
one of a system. i don't really feel like i'm able to exist in the same time and year as everyone else, though i try a lot. condemned to be trapped in the past isn't fun, they make do for me though.
sometimes i get stuck in this void of being unable to tell if im more june than jade or jade than june, or more joey than either. i see others that have their timelines in order and know who they are and what they want to be and every time i feel something, but i can never tell if it's a sense of kinship, jealousy, or just a longing to be as cool or confident or attractive as them. is it normal to stare at other "me"-ish kinds of people and think "gog i wish i was like that"???
like it feels like, despite feeling identification with the "jamily" i dont feel like i'm any one individual one of them? i feel like an additional member to the family that never existed, a ghost of something that never was. the parts are all there but its never in the same order. i still dont think i'll ever understand what i am or what my purpose is in comparison to everyone else, with their quest beds and godtiering. my timeline is basically ended and here i am, in the quiet with no one but the others in my head, stronger, faster, smarter than me. what's my purpose? what is my aspect? why did sburb not have a plan for me?
another appointment for hrt today. do any of you know if there's hrt to turn the body into a troll or for shape shifting? i know the others have been itching to have their horns or their body shape. hrt that makes you twelve foot...? bluh.
ཐི༏ཋྀ 1 mean 1 pretty much have access t0 super hrt. Seen 1t d0 s0me crazy th1ngs. - § 𝒥𝒶𝒹ℯ 𝒜𝓁𝒶𝓍ℯ𝓃𝓈𝒾𝓈 §
could you appearify some over here so the others can have their body choice back? i know at least vriska and chixie would be really delighted, i can exchange some boondollars for it if need be
ཐི༏ཋྀ Sure, n0 pr0blem! & n0 need t0 w0rry ab0ut send1ng me anyth1ng 1n return, 1 d0n't really have any use f0r m0ney! - § 𝒥𝒶𝒹ℯ 𝒜𝓁𝒶𝓍ℯ𝓃𝓈𝒾𝓈 §
you ever see the way the world goes by without you? i hate the way it does that. i dont like that the world gives me contradictory information to what my wife says. it makes it hard to feel present and real anywhere...
for some reason i keep having this anxious feeling like i should be doing something but procrastinated but theres just nothing i have to do so it just sucks
why do i feel like crying nothing's even happened today
typed a long post and then remembered maybe i should just keep my thoughts to myself sometimes
its another quiet night. i dont like it when it gets this quiet. feels like the room floods with physicalized tension, makes it really hard to breathe or relax.
when does it go from just being a little chilly to being concerningly cold i cant stop shaking but ive got layers of clothes and a blanket on and nobody else in the house seems to be this cold
i think its one of those days where you get home and theres not much desire to do anything but collapse and stare at a wall for four to five hours
every once in a while, things get quiet enough that it starts to feel like it isn't going to end. it's really hard to not spiral when it feels like that. like everyone could go on about their business for the rest of their lives without you being present. if we didn't have a wife to keep us chained down (in a good way, i wouldn't dare call her dead weight, that would just be all the more reason for her to hate me when she already has so many reasons, but angel that she is she refuses to) it would almost make a girl curious enough to see it through for real...
we're awake. have a few chores to do before our shift but i think i have enough time to do a few runs of metal slug. have any of you alternians ever played metal slug...? it's very fun. it's a good way of just shutting out the bad thoughts and keeping a mood up