Alright. I've done some reading, and it turns out that the foundational legal argument upon which the entire cinematic institution of Air Bud rests is complete and utter bullshit. For those not acquainted with the landmark jurisprudence established in the 1997 film, the referee permits a golden retriever to participate in a competitive basketball game because, and I quote, "Ain't no rule that says a dog can't play basketball." Brilliant. A real constitutional scholar we've got here. This guy's apparently been moonlighting as the Supreme Court of Hoops, handing down landmark rulings between calling traveling violations and blowing his whistle at twelve-year-olds. First and foremost, there's the matter of eligibility. Interscholastic athletics require athletes to be students meeting certain academic and administrative criteria. Now, the coach assures us Buddy is a registered member of the team, and I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt regarding whatever clerical black magic was performed to make that happen. But is he a student? Is this dog maintaining an acceptable grade point average? Has anyone seen his report card? I'm imagining this motherfucker sitting in third-period algebra, howling about stress while some poor bastard at the front of the classroom explains quadratic equations. Honor roll material, undoubtedly. Then we've got the uniform. Basketball players are required to wear regulation jerseys and shorts, featuring approved numbers. This dog trots onto the hardwood with his entire lower half exposed to God and everybody, wearing a jersey while the announcer identifies him as K9. Nine is an illegal jersey digit under standard school basketball rules. Now, moving on to the actual sport. Basketball has a pretty particular definition of dribbling. You're supposed to bounce the ball using your hands, which presents our furry friend with a rather significant evolutionary disadvantage. Buddy prefers to propel the ball using his snout, and occasionally carries the thing around in his mouth. Neither constitutes a legal dribble. Once he starts hauling ass down the court with the ball secured in his jaws, we're looking at traveling. And I mean some serious traveling, dogg. This dude's racking up enough steps to qualify for a complimentary vacation package at Sandals. He's got four legs and not one of them is interested in establishing a pivot foot. The referee even asks whether the dog dribbles, to which the coach responds that he might drool a little. Phenomenal. You dismissed a fundamental rule because of a homophone. Very progressive for a movie in 1997. Then there's the free throws. During the championship game, Buddy takes two of them, and on both attempts he jumps across the free-throw line before the ball reaches the basket. That's a violation. Both points should be wiped from the scoreboard. We're watching an animal illegally cross a clearly demarcated boundary twice in full view of the officiating crew. The novelty of the dog superseded their obligation to enforce the rules. He also makes contact with Larry's crotch during the game, which is a pretty compelling candidate for an offensive personal foul. I understand the temptation to let that one slide, because Larry is a tremendous asshole, but you can't start administering justice on the basis of whether the receiving party deserves to get his nuts rearranged by a golden retriever. And before somebody comes crawling out of the woodwork with accusations of double dribbling, goaltending, or a three-second violation, I'm not gonna charge the defendant with shit I can't substantiate. We've got enough material here to secure a conviction without fabricating additional counts. I'm interested in the integrity of the investigation. Though it was compromised in twenty seconds. So, in conclusion, the Washington Timberwolves' championship victory was facilitated by an academically unverified, improperly uniformed, perpetually traveling canine athlete whose illegal free throws were permitted to stand and whose physical conduct apparently fell outside the jurisdiction of the referees. The opposing team should've filed a protest before this four-legged fraud ever set paw on the court. Still a pretty good dog, though. Wouldn't wanna take that away from him.
oooooh my god WILL U EVER TURN UR BRIAN OFF
Only when reading a certain sprite's ramblings.
….. im abt to be SO open n vulnerable w u rn dirky and ur not allowed to make fun of me OK but for a hole min there i rlly thought u meant da soda