BEFORE I GET INTO THIS, I WANT TO MAKE A SPECIAL SHOUTOUT TO @CARBOLICGALVANOLOGIST FOR THE RECOMMENDATION. I DON’T NECESSARILY THINK A “THANKS” IS IN ORDER, BECAUSE THERE’S NOTHING TO THANK AN ALTERNATE VERSION OF ME ABOUT FOR BRINGING ME A FIRSTHAND VIEWING OF A BLANK, BLAND, AFFECTLESS SPRAWL OF THE SUBURBS IN ALL THEIR CONFORMITY AND PHILISTINISM, BUT I DIGRESS. IF NOTHING, YOU CERTAINLY GRABBED ME BY THE FRONDS AND MADE ME HOLD ON TIGHT FOR THE RIDE. LET’S DIVE IN. VIVARIUM IS A 2019 FILM FROM DIRECTOR LORCAN FINNEGAN THAT I ONLY MANAGED TO MUSTER UP THE COURAGE TO WATCH BY MYSELF OUT OF PURE SPITE, BECAUSE SO MANY OF YOU SAID “OH KARKAT, HE’S SO FUCKING WEAKSLIME, HE WON’T BE ABLE TO SIT WITH HIMSELF AND HIS OWN THOUGHTS IN THE WAY THAT A HORROR FILM DEMANDS”. HA! TO THAT I GIVE A BIG, WET, JUICY FUCK YOU, BECAUSE I DID IT. SO THERE. THIS IS A FILM ABOUT A COUPLE, GEMMA AND TOM, WHO ARE IN THE MARKET FOR A HOUSEBLOCK AND WIND UP VISITING THIS CREEPY REALTOR FOR THE DEVELOPMENT KNOWN AS YONDER. MARTIN THE REALTOR HAS SOME *REAL* PROBLEMS. HE SPEAKS IN UNUSUAL CADENCE AND UNCOMFORTABLE DICTION, EVEN FOR MY OWN STANDARDS NOT KNOWING MUCH ABOUT HUMAN SPEECH. HE CONVINCES THEM TO VISIT THE NEIGHBORHOOD AND LOOK AT THEIR POTENTIAL BLOCK, BUT WHEN THEY TURN THEIR BACKS, HE VANISHES, COLLIDE-AND-SCAMPER STYLE. THE COUPLE TRIES TO GET THE HELL OUT OF DODGE, BUT THEY KEEP WINDING UP BACK AT THE SAME HOUSE AND EVENTUALLY DECIDE TO JUST SPEND THE NIGHT. WHEN A HUMAN (?) WIGGLER IN A BOX SHOWS UP WITH THE INSTRUCTIONS “RAISE THE BABY AND BE RELEASED” THEY REALIZE THAT SHIT HITS THE BREEZE BLENDER AND THEY’RE TRAPPED IN SOMETHING FAR MORE INSIDIOUS THAN THEY CAN IMAGINE. THAT’S THE RUNDOWN, I’M NOT GOING TO GO THOUGH THE WHOLE PLOT WITH YOU, YOU KNOW THE DRILL. WHAT I REALLY WANT TO TALK ABOUT IS ALL OF THE CYCLICAL DREAD LACED THROUGHOUT, AND THE DEEP, CAVERNOUS PIT THAT VIVARIUM’S INNATE NARRATIVE OF PARASITISM LEFT IN MY BELLOWSAC. SEE: “A NICE WIDE GAPING HOLE FOR THE MOST DREADFUL AND HOLLOW FILM I’VE SEEN IN THE LAST HOWEVER MANY SWEEPS”. I GENUINELY MEANT THAT. THE VERY FIRST SCENE YOU’RE GREETED WITH IS A CLOSE UP SHOT OF AN INFANT TALONSCREECHER, A CUCKOO TO YOU HUMANS, INFILTRATING THE NEST OF A REED WARBLER. THE CUCKOO FORCES ITS WAY INTO THE NEST AND KNOCKS THE WARBLER’S EGGS OUT, THEN ACTS AS THE OFFSPRING OF THE WARBLER, FORCING IT TO ACT AS ITS MOTHER. THE HUMAN WIGGLER THAT GEMMA AND TOM HAVE FORCED UPON THEM HAS A PARASITIC RELATIONSHIP WITH THE HUMANS, JUST LIKE THE CUCKOO DOES WITH THE WARBLER; DEVELOPING AN ABILITY TO MIMIC THE HUMANS SPEECH PATTERNS, AND SCREECHING WHEN IT WANTS SOMETHING. SO, THEY’RE LOOPED INTO BEING TRAPPED IN THEIR OWN “NEST” OF SORTS, RAISING THIS FREAK OF NATURE FROM BIRTH TO “ADULTHOOD”… AND THEN WHAT? THE PROMISE OF FREEDOM THAT (SPOILER) NEVER COMES? THIS IS WHAT GOT ME RIGHT IN THE PUSHER: THE UTTER DESPAIR AND PURPOSELESS LIFE THEY LEAD AFTER THE DISCOVERY THAT THEY’RE EFFECTIVELY TRAPPED AND HAVE THEIR HORNS HANDED TO THEM. THEY EAT TASTELESS FOOD, THEY TAKE CARE OF THE MUTANT FREAK BOY WHEN HE SCREAMS, TOM TAKES UP DIGGING A GIANT HOLE IN THEIR FRONT YARD IN HIS DELUSION THINKING HE’S GOING TO GET SOMEWHERE WITH IT. A LOT OF PEOPLE WANT TO THROW AN ALLEGORY OF “PARENTHOOD IS PARASITISM” OR “SUBURBAN LIFE IS A LIVING HELL” AT IT IMMEDIATELY, WHICH IS (I GUESS) FAIR ENOUGH TO PULL THAT JUDGEMENT. GEMMA AND TOM ARE NOW DESTINED TO SERVE THE PARASITE THEY’VE BEEN DISEASED WITH UNTIL IT NO LONGER NEEDS THEM, IN A HOLDING TANK, GESTATING IT UNTIL IT’S READY TO FLY OUT OF THAT NEST. THE REALTORBABY ISN’T EVEN NECESSARILY THE ENEMY HERE, BECAUSE HE EQUALLY PLAYS THE ROLE IN THIS CYCLE THAT IS NECESSARY FOR HIS OWN SURVIVAL; HE’S TO BE RAISED BY PARENTS THAT AREN’T HIS, THEN TAKE THE PLACE OF “MARTIN” AS A SUCCESSOR, ONLY TO REPEAT THE EXACT SAME STEPS. AND WHAT IS THE GOAL OF ALL OF THAT? I MEAN, ALL OF THE ENTRAPMENT, THE PARALLEL DIMENSIONS OF INSTANCES JUST LIKE GEMMA AND TOM’S HAPPENING ALL OVER IN THESE HORRIBLE POCKET NEIGHBORHOODS THAT SIT ON THE EARTH LIKE A BLISTER. WHAT IS IT? WHAT’S THE MEANING? THINGS ARE JUST THE WAY THINGS ARE. THERE IS NO DEEPER MEANING, BECAUSE SOMETIMES LIFE JUST…IS. THE COMPLETE AND TOTAL POINTLESSNESS, THE MONOTONY, AND THE MYSTERIES THAT STAY UNSOLVED ARE WHAT KEEPS IT FROM LEANING TOO FAR INTO ANYTHING THAT GOES BEYOND NEBULOUS THEORIZING, AND ULTIMATELY IS WHAT KEEPS IT MEANINGFUL IN A WAY. MOVIES THAT HAND IT TO YOU TOO EASILY ARE A LITTLE GRUB-FISTED. THERE ARE SOME INTERESTING LOOSE ENDS THAT NEVER FULLY GET EXPLAINED OR SPELLED OUT, LIKE THE TELEVISION AND BOOK FULL OF NONSENSE. THE MOVIE IS STEEPED IN SYMBOLISM, SO ANYONE WATCHING COULD MAKE SOME SORT OF ARGUMENT FOR PERHAPS A LOSS OF NATURE, BEING SWINDLED INTO THINKING YOU WANT SOMETHING SO DESPERATELY WHEN IN REALITY IT’S A BIT OF A MONKEY’S PAW, ALLEGRIES ON CONSUMER-CAPITALISM. MORE, PROBABLY, EXIST TOO. YOU COULD THROW A MILLION LARGER THEORIES AT IT AND MORE, LIKE SPECULATING ABOUT THE POINT OF THE ALIEN REALTOR SPECIES GOALS AND TRYING TO STRING EVERY DETAIL TOGETHER, ULTIMATELY, IT SIMPLY SERVES TO ILLUSTRATE INCOMPREHENSIBLE DREAD. A LOT OF REVIEWERS ONLINE LIKE TO BITCH AND MOAN ABOUT HOW IT ENDED BADLY; DID YOU ALL HAVE YOUR SPONGES REPLACED WITH YOUR WASTE CHUTES? INCREDIBLE. I ACTUALLY LIKED THAT IT ENDED “BADLY”, THAT IT DIDN’T END WITH THEM ESCAPING. THE INESCAPABILITY IS WHAT MADE IT SO CAPTIVATING, AND I WON’T HAVE ANY OTHER WORTHLESS CROTCHSTAINED BARFPUPPETS TELLING ME OTHERWISE. I THINK I’M GONNA NEED A HAPPIER ONE AFTER THIS THOUGH, BECAUSE I HAD A DAYMARE WHEN I WAS SLEEPING YESTERDAY. HTTPS://CDN.IMGCHEST.COM/FILES/B6DB58F654A9.JPEG
