...kind of pathetic and cowardly of me to want deva to do the soul-healing touch thing with the heart godtier powers only to immediately regret and want to undo it when i start feeling emotions more normally. simply because it gets a little overwhelming from not being used to it. i guess in a way my neurological disorder was "stable" with my emotions dampened too? cant have crashouts if you genuinely dont care. which. i havent had a crashout yet. but experiencing emotion again has been a lot. ...especially the yearning. the painful. endless ache in my hollow ribcage. fucking christ, even just *thinking* about yearning makes it feel like im physically hurt. i dont remember it ever hurting this much even before my emotions were dampened. how do people live like this. how did *i* live like this before i got possessed. ... but i guess it was less painful when what i was yearning for wasnt permanently unattainable.