Kankri Vantas

2 weeks ago

@catalyticGhost[CG]

I must admit, s9metimes I find myself l99king at s9me9ne 9r s9me pe9ple and feeling this deep ache in my chest. At 9ne p9int I th9ught it was l9nging, may6e a jeal9usy 9ver s9mething I th9ught I c9uld n9t have; perhaps it even hurt m9re 6ecause I th9ught the pain was my 9wn fault, a restricti9n I had given myself while I was still y9ung and f9cusing my energy int9 t9pics in way that was n9t quite as.. c9nstructive as my y9unger self th9ught they were. 9f c9urse that su6ject matter was and still is extremely imp9rtant, I just see n9w that my eff9rts sh9uld have 6een f9cused in an9ther directi9n, as sh9uld my c9mpani9ns'. N9, after much th9ught I came t9 the realisati9n that that envy was n9t c9vet9usness 6ut in fact a much deeper calling. 9ne I had n9t expected t9 f9ll9w me further int9 my unlife. Truth 6e t9ld when it was first p9inted 9ut t9 me I adamantly denied it, th9ugh like many times 6ef9re it I sh9uld have listened t9 the pers9n that was telling me this fact. That my feelings 9n this matter were n9rmal, that there was n9 need t9 reject it s9 deeply. H9nestly, I think it was when it f9ll9wed me 6ack int9 a living and 6reathing 69dy that I truly registered it wasn't just a fleeting th9ught. I all9wed that c9nfidant t9 indulge; m9stly 9ut 9f curi9sity I'll admit, 6ut partially 6ecause I was h9ping she was right. And.. she was. 9f c9urse, she was. She is n9t usually wr9ng when it c9mes t9 matters 9f femininity. I supp9se, tying this 6ack, that i really was feeling l9nging that wh9le time, f9r s9mething I th9ught I c9uldn't have. 6ut I can. Pursuing the femininity I saw in 9thers, fulfilling that l9nging, it changed s9mething in my pan, I think. My v9ws 6ecame l99ser, my p9sture m9re relaxed. Apparently I started smiling m9re, like I was a6le t9 feel c9ntent. Finally feeling satisfied helped me realise that my pursuit 9f fulfilment was ill-inf9rmed and rather misguided, and th9ugh I still care deeply a69ut th9se causes, I g9 a69ut them in a much different way n9w, with a much calmer eye and a keener sense 9f my audience. I c9uldn't have d9ne that if it weren't f9r @gracefulAdv9cacy Thank y9u.