BREAKING NEWS: PUSHERWARMING: Salesman “Paralyzed from the Waist Down” LEARNS TO RUN AGAIN When Teenage Hooligans Explode Wheelchair The supposed paraplegic was reported to have been vending his services when a BAND OF TEENS——known infamously as The Wailing Wrigglers——used psionics to blow up the Contraption. Gathering crowds were shocked to find the man not only standing on two (2) pods but sprinting at the Hyperbolic Speed of Sound. Witnesses claim they have never seen a man’s legs move so fast, nor have they heard someone (1) oscillate like a Purrbeast during Mating Season! As for the wheelchair, you could say it became Hot Wheels——it was TOTALLY TOTALLED. Pardon my Mirth, but it’s a motherfuckin’ MIRACLE. #suggestive #violence THIS HAS BEEN HIVEMIND NEWS, SIGNING OUT.


