“Okay, so Betancourt votes to save Acorn, I vote to erase him, you want more evidence, I take us all on this bullshit Wonderful Life interlude, she’s tricked into thinking that it’s actually Acorn who fucked up the book so bad, she changes her vote, you have doubts but respect that a majority’s been reached, you wave your paws or whatever, Acorn’s gone, the book starts falling apart even more, Jeanne realizes what’s really happening, and the anvil of dramatic irony drops on her head. She was the creator, she becomes the destroyer. Fin. Then appendix A, and then the Final Freakout, where Acorn tries to come back and you and I band up to finish the job through pretentious meta bullshit contraptions. Fin again. Roll fucking credits. So let’s just cut out the unnecessary bullshit and get it over with. Deal?” “You ‘wrote her in’?” Minos said, arching his eyebrows. “Ah, mother fuck,” Dirk sighed. “Not you too.” “I think I’m starting to understand what’s really going on here.” Minos got up, and stretched out his front legs in that way that cats do; you know the way, I’m sure. It’s really cute. But this cat wasn’t just being adorable, he was also being a dick. “I bow down to you, o creator,” Minos said sarcastically. “Jesus Christ,” Dirk said, rubbing his temples with a thumb and forefinger. “Why did I have to make you such a smartass?” Minos rolled onto his back and squirmed around, like the cutest fucking asshole on the planet. “I didn’t say I wouldn’t help you,” he said. “In fact, if what I suspect is indeed true, then I’d be quite the fool to try to work against you.” “At least you’re a rational smartass,” Dirk said. In the distance, Pawnee yipped a particularly shrill accusation at Jeanne Betancourt. Dirk glanced in their direction. “We should make it quick,” he said to Minos, “before Pawnee rips off Betancourt’s head or something. Both of them are just joke characters, really, but that makes them wildcards, and I don’t want to risk having the original author die. And I’m not even going to make the obvious Rolland Barthes joke here, that’s how dead fucking serious I am.” “You’re not actually worried about Betancourt,” Minos observed. “It’s Anna who frightens you.” “Fine, her too,” Dirk said. “I’ll admit it, I got in over my head. So let’s just end this fucking thing before she wakes up from her revelation-coma or whatever it is. Say ‘fuck Acorn, time to erase his ass’ or something like that, and we’ll be done. I mean, you should probably make it sound more formal, use some bigger words. But that’s the gist of it.” “I can’t,” Minos said simply. “God damn it,” Dirk whispered. “It’s always something.” #DetectivePony