#detectivepony
[“You can stop here, Acorn,” said the cat. “What part of Hades’ lair is this that you / Have brought me to, you—” “No, we’re done with the terza rima now. You don’t have to talk in iambics anymore.” “That’s a relief,” said Acorn, relishing the dactyl. Acorn glanced around at their stopping place. The slimy banks of the Acheron had long since transitioned into a forest of dead, white trees, through which the pony and the cat had been walking for what felt like either minutes, hours, or decades. But now Acorn and the god damned cat stood in a small clearing, filled with cold, flat light ...Read more
In Gilead there’s not a drop of balm, Nor respite nor nepenthe to be found; The shepherd’s absent from King David’s psalm, For in the river Enon He was drowned. Towards other rivers now sped Acorn on, Which through this murky landscape curled and wound: Cocytus, Lethe, Styx, and Phlegethon. ‘Twas Acheron, though, that they now drew near, And Acorn knew he’d seen his final dawn. Grim Charon waited at his marshy pier, But Acorn whinnied, “Fuck that noise,” and leapt Into the waters, biting back his fear. Against the rotting waves the pony schlepped, Amidst a thousand thousand slimy soul...Read more
[Pawnee] swung back up on [Lil’ Sebastian]. [“But there shall be no Greyhound born between Feltro and Feltro],” she said. [“Only another fucking cat.”] Anna took the lead again. When they reached the three birches, Acorn stopped. [He knew that it was his time to leave. Page 43, he thought to himself. A prime number. Is it fitting or ironic that a life full of multiplicity end with something indivisible?] “[It’s just as the prophesy foretold]!” said Anna excitedly. “[Where the three birches rise, there shall He descend],” said Pam. “You know Acorn [is not long for this world, Anna. We were w...Read more
“Look for [local politicians] in the snow,” said [Pawnee, secretly hoping to find her mother and settle the question of her true paternity once and for all.] Anna and Acorn took the lead. Anna looked straight[, but was actually bisexual]. [Pawnee knew that the anti-regulatory libertarian Ron Swanson politically leaned] to the right. And Pam[, as she was known to do,] left [inflammatory manifestos nailed to every tree she passed.] After a while Pam [barbarically yawped], “I see some [bullshit over here to advance the plot!”] Anna turned Acorn around and looked to where Pam pointed. Small tra...Read more
Chapter 6 The Fight The Pony Pals rode their ponies [with the kind of solemnity usually reserved for soldiers en route to battle. The cat weighed heavily in all their minds. Acorn was afraid of it. Pam felt a burning hatred towards it. Anna secretly hoped that it could answer her questions about what had happened to her in that twenty minutes during which she had been dead. Pawnee wanted to learn new cocktail recipes from it. She had a serious problem.] “Where should we start looking for the cat?” [Pam asked, munching on the pheasant that she had just plucked from the sky mid-flight.] “Acorn was ...Read more
[After eating their healthy soup, the two girls and the town set out on their journey to find the motherfucking cat so they could kill it and get back to their regular Pony Pal shit. As they rode, Pam looted a sweatshirt from a conveniently-nearby corpse. Anna didn’t ask Pam how she knew the corpse was there.] “This sweatshirt will make a perfect [smothering tool] for the cat,” she said. When they went back outside, Acorn was still standing at the fence, looking into the woods. The Pony Pals [thought he was idly contemplating the terrifying vacuum that one inevitably finds when searching for any sort...Read more
[sincerely trying to write a compelling, dare I say meaningful, story about the nature of sin and redemption. It’s certainly a possibility. Perhaps this whole project is some Freudian mechanism I’m using to work though the complex issues tucked away deep in the neglected, cobwebby corners of my troubled teenage psyche. Or a Jungian mechanism. Or a Janetian one. Jasperian? (Christ, what is it with European psychotherapists and J names?) Sorry, I’m a bit rusty on my late-nineteenth-early-twentieth century analytic psychology and the various mechanisms thereof. It’s like psychology is Willy Wonka’s choc...Read more
“It’s so cold out there,” said Anna. “I would say I hope he freezes, but I know that the liquid brimstone that surely flows through his veins will keep him warm.” Pam put a mink stole around Anna’s shoulders. “We’ll all look for the cat,” she creaked. “But first we have to feed our ponies.” “Okay,” said Anna. Pam went to the barn to get her pair of balances. When she returned, she leapt on Acorn’s back, and lo, Anna beheld the black horse and its rider. “Come and see,” Pawnee told Anna. “A measure of wheat for a penny, and three measures of barley for a penny; and see thou hurt not the oil ...Read more
[Anna swirled the brandy some more and observed the liquid’s widening gyre. She drained the glass and threw it against the wall, watching as it fell apart. Anna had no innocence to be drowned, and she was certainly full of passionate intensity; she welcomed the mere anarchy, and bathed in the blood-dimmed tide. She would deafen that fucking falcon herself if it came to that. Perhaps the long-awaited rough beast was neither Acorn nor Minos, but Anna herself. But towards what destination was Anna slouching? She] dressed quietly and went out to the new barn. [She was going to find that fucking cat. Someone ...Read more
[Anna experimentally flexed the hand of the new robotic arm that Pam had whipped up for her. She would miss the sloth arm, but somehow having a mechanical left arm just felt right to her. After the Pony Pals cleared their web browsers’ histories] and cookies, they went back outside with [the intention of finding and killing that damn cat]. It was safe for the horses and ponies to go back in the barn. The girls led the ponies inside, [licked] off the snow, dried them off, and [discussed their plans for dismantling the patriarchy]. The whole time Anna was helping with the ponies, she kept [sharpening h...Read more
[“One more thing,” hissed Pawnee. “About what you said earlier in the paddock.” Pam licked her lips. “Oh, so you are curious about the identity of your real father.” Even in these dark times, Pam could not miss a chance to play mind games with the Indianan city she called her friend. “My father is Ron fucking Swanson,” Pawnee said. “And if you even try to suggest otherwise to me, I will dismantle you. Understand?” Pam just smirked. She knew that the seed of doubt had been planted in Pawnee’s mind, and it was soon to become a sprout of doubt. Then a tree of doubt. For a seed — be it a metaph...Read more
the cat hiding [knowledge even more sinister and frightening than Acorn’s]? She still didn’t see him. “Where’s the black cat that [has been terrorizing us since this fateful] morning?” she said. Dr. Crandal looked around the office, too. “Isn’t he here?” he said[, the panic rising in his voice.] [Pawnee] came into the office. [Her blood ran cold when she saw that Anna was alive once more. But not literally cold in the sense of reptiles’ blood. She could still thermoregulate with the best of them.] “Where’s the black cat?” asked Anna. “Dr. Crandal got him out of the fire,” [Pawnee said,...Read more
Chapter 5 Missing “Dr. Crandal, [what happens after death? Are all of our sins tallied]?” Anna asked nervously. “Every last one,” he said. He smiled at Anna. “[Pawnee] told me that you discovered the fire, Anna. You [just had to stick your fucking nose where it didn’t belong, didn’t you? If the clinic had burned down, I could have gotten a huge insurance check.”] “Acorn is [frightening me more and more each day],” said Anna. “He [has secrets locked inside his mind that no mortal should know. And I have a feeling that he will soon unleash them.”] “Then you’re both [abominations befor...Read more
room. The [sloth whose arm Anna had taken] was in one kennel. Two other cats and a dog were in kennels, too. The third dog was lying [to himself if he thought that his new haircut didn’t make him look like a washed up daytime talkshow host.] There had been three dogs[, three cats, and one sloth] in the kennel room that day. Now, [Pam saw only two cats, three cats, and the resentful sloth. She let out a sigh of relief]. The black cat was missing[, hopefully burned to a crisp like neglected bagel bites in a toaster oven.] Anna felt a [coldness that she had never before experienced]. What had happened t...Read more
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“Anna, I’ve been looking all over for you,” one of the firefighters said. It was Anna’s father. [Pam] hardly recognized him. His face was [preternaturally pale, and his eyes seemed to glow faintly red — reflecting the still-glowing embers of the fire? Pam wondered, not yet suspecting what forces were working through him. From his words, it seemed that the poor man had not yet realized that his daughter was dead, Pam thought sadly. She watched the soot-stained firefighter kneel over Anna’s body in the snow. He took off his helmet and held Anna’s hand.] “You okay?” he asked. “I’m fine,” Anna ...Read more
[“Are you trying to annoy me?” said a voice from the darkness. “You aren’t succeeding.” The cat pranced into view along the fence and jumped down to sit on its own dead body. It playfully batted the severed head with one paw, like a feline cephalophore. ‘Cephalophore’ is a really good word, thought both Acorn and the cat. Acorn gazed at the impossible being. He felt as if his mind, which had up until that point been expanding, was starting to collapse in on itself. If his mind was a Friedmann-model universe, its density parameter (Ω) would have just exceeded one, meaning its actual density ρ was grea...Read more
Anna was [still fucking dead. But Pawnee was not ready to let her friend go. The township began to perform CPR on Anna’s body. Pam, an expert on corpses, knew it was too late, but she decided that this gesture, futile as it was, might be a part of Pawnee’s grieving process, so she left her alone.] The sound of fire engine sirens pierced the air. It [aroused] the ponies. They [[filthy colloquialisms for horse sex omitted]] up and down the paddock. Pam and [Pawnee] were startled, too. But they were glad the firefighters were there. Anna’s father was a volunteer firefighter. [Pawnee] hoped that he and t...Read more
ing. The young girl clutched at her chest with her grafted-on sloth arm and slowly keeled over until she lay motionless in the snow, dead from a heart attack. Pam and Pawnee rushed to aid her, but it was too late. Anna’s unblinking eyes stared up at the star-strewn night sky until Pam closed them. “Good night, sweet prince,” she whispered. Acorn watched the flames consume the clinic silently. He immediately recognized the ambiguous positioning of the modifier in his internal monologue and changed it: Acorn silently watched the flames consume the clinic. The fire itself was deafeningly loud. Acorn w...Read more
[As Pam’s mother berated her husband, Anna saw where Pam, still wearing the wedding dress, got her costuming talent from. The elder Lady Crandal’s replica of the navy blue suit that the General Secretary had worn on October 11, 1986 when meeting with Ronald Regan at Höfði in Reykjavík to discuss the reduction of mid-range European nuclear weapons was impeccable. But oh shit:] The fire was spreading fast. “Mom, should we take the horses and ponies out of the new barn?” Pam asked. [Pawnee] and Anna exchanged [their secret santa gifts]. The fire could spread to the barn. Their ponies were in danger. [FU...Read more
Chapter 4 Flames Anna [sashayed] out of the burning clinic[. She felt reborn, as if the flames had been an inverse baptism that ushered her from the world of childhood to that of adulthood. A word more perilous and uncertain than the one in which she had previously lived, one clouded with the thick smoke of ambiguity and roasted by the tortuous heat of responsibility. But also a world far more exciting, full of leaping, flickering tongues of opportunity. The fire was a fitting symbol for this transformation, Anna reflected.] Brandy [was digging a trench.] “It’s okay,” Pam told him. “[The strafing...Read more
[she had busted out] in the kennel room. She [threw her dismembered arm] over the fence and [hungrily examined] the back door of the clinic. As she [devoured] the door she heard a dog cough. The cats meowed [erotically. A large three-toed sloth] was whimpering. [Anna sliced off one of its arms and grafted it to her left shoulder. It was a hasty job, but it would do until Pam could build her a cybernetic replacement]. Through the smoke she could see Brandy. [Adapting quickly to her new appendage, she used her three claws to pick the lock and she] opened his kennel door. [“Vielen Dank für meine Rettun...Read more
[Jeanne Betancourt masterfully employs the literary device of leitworstil in this next paragraph. By using the word “clinic” in five of the seven sentences, Betancourt challenges the reader to consider the meaning of illness as it relates to this novel: the roots of the word (the Latin “clinicus,” physician, and the Greek “klinikos,” of the bed) clash, in contrast to the stability suggested by the repetition of the English word. Brilliant.] She tried to grab Acorn’s halter. But he [had had it up to here with her shit] and ran along the fence line next to the clinic. When he stopped, he looked at the ...Read more
Anna’s [soul] felt cold [as she fell into thanatopsis, contemplating all the creatures, human and non-, that had died in Acorn’s name.] She tried to turn Acorn around. “Come on, Acorn,” she said. “[The others have probably moved the bodies by now]. It’s time to go in.” She tried to pull Acorn toward the barn. But he [was tired of playing along with his so-called “master.” It was time for him to show her who was really in charge here]. Anna thought, Acorn is being [an asshole]. I have to be firm with him. “Come on, Acorn!” Anna said [Stalinesquely.] She looked him in the eye so he would know she was s...Read more
[But we’ll go farther than Plato. Longcat, a photograph, is a textbook example of a second-degree mimesis. (We might promote it to the third degree since the image on the internet is a digital copy of the original photograph of the physical cat which is itself a copy of Platonic ideal of a cat (the Godcat, if you will); but this line of thought doesn’t change anything in the argument.) The text-supplemented meme, on the other hand, the captioned cat, is at an infinite remove from the Godcat, the ultimate mimesis, copying the copy of itself eternally, the written language and the image echoing off each oth...Read more
[Remember Longcat, Jane? I remember Longcat. Fuck the picture on this page, I want to talk about Longcat. Memes were simpler back then, in 2006. They stood for something. And that something was nothing. Memes just were. “Longcat is long.” An undeniably true, self-reflexive statement. Water is wet, fire is hot, Longcat is long. Memes were floating signifiers without signifieds, meaningful in their meaninglessness. Nobody made memes, they just arose through spontaneous generation; Athena being birthed, fully formed, from her own skull. You could talk about them around the proverbial water cooler, takin...Read more
“I wish they could tell us what happened,” Anna said. “Maybe a pack of [Bolsheviks] ran through the paddock,” said [Pawnee.] “That could wake up a pony and [fill its head with subversive philosophies.”] “And if one pony [becomes Leninist], it can [radicalize] the others,” said Pam. [Pawnee] brushed the snowflakes off [Lil’ Seb]’s mane. “The snowstorm might have upset [Lil’ Sebastian],” she said. “[He] doesn’t like [to fuck around with solid precipitation. It breeds reptiles in his mind.”] “Let’s put them in the new barn [to protect them from the inevitable workers’ revolution] said Pa...Read more
Their high-pitched whinnies almost sounded like screams. [Holy fucking shit.] “None of them looks hurt,” [squelched Anna]. Pam ran up beside her friends and handed each of them a halter and [a copy of Honey I Shrunk the Kids on VHS.] When Lightning saw Pam, she stopped running [for office and dropped out of the highly-contested gubernatorial race]. Pam went over to her pony. “It’s okay,” Pam said in [Aramaic, the only language Lightning spoke]. “[You can retool your platform and run again in four years.]” She slipped [an envelope of cash to another pony in the paddock. “Good work,” Pam whis...Read more
Chapter 3 Danger! The Pony Pals slipped their boots on their bare feet. As they ran out of the office, they grabbed their [liquor. Whiskey for Anna, gin for Pam, and a huge jug of pre-mixed long island iced tea for Pawnee. She had a serious problem.] What’s happened? wondered Anna. Why are the ponies [flipping a shit?] “I’ll get halters and [harpoon guns],” shouted Pam, as she hurried to the [armory]. Anna and [Pawnee] ran down the barn aisle and outside. It was snowing. The three ponies [looked at their owners with wide, frenzied eyes, and the girls, for the umpteenth time, saw the face of ...Read more
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[What the everloving fuck] woke me up? Anna wondered. She heard pounding hooves and screeching ponies. She jumped out of [the sliced-open Tauntaun carcass in which she slept]. “Pam, [Pawnee]!” Anna shouted. “Wake up! Something’s wrong in the paddock! [Shit just got real.”] #DetectivePony
saw the cat, he whinnied [maliciously]. The cat leaped from Anna’s arms and ran over to Acorn. [God averted His eyes, knowing what was soon to come.] The cat stayed in the paddock with the ponies while the girls went in for dinner. [The moment Anna’s back was turned, Acorn trampled the cat like nobody’s business. Acorn had already killed the cat once, and was ready to do it as many more times as it took. Maybe this cat had nine lives. Maybe nine million. But Acorn was patient. It couldn’t keep coming back forever.] It’s fun to have a cat, thought Anna. [Acorn hopscotched all over that fucke...Read more
held it up. A red plastic ball and yellow feather hung from a long piece of wire. Lulu batted the little ball with her finger. A bell tinkled inside the ball. [<- Holy shit, why is this toy being described so meticulously? Are we really supposed to muster any fucks to give?] “He’ll have fun with this,” [Pawnee croaked moistly.] The girls rode back to the Crandals. [<- Needs an apostrophe. Get your shit together, Betancourt.] Anna went to the kennel room to see the cat. She held the toy above his head. He reached up with two paws to [cast a particularly noxious spell]. When the bell rang he j...Read more
Pam took the cat from Anna and carried him to the animal clinic. [Acorn thanked God that he’d be rid of the cat for a while. But God did not listen. For when you are a pony like Acorn, you must be your own God, an eternal slave to an egocentric spiral of self-worship.] The Pony Pals rode on Riddle Road, [which was home to the town’s sphinx. After besting it in a furious battle of wits, they reached] the post office. Anna ran in and pinned the poster to the [back of the sturdiest mail carrier she could find.] Next, they rode to Upper Main Street. Anna stayed with the ponies, while Pam and [Pawnee...Read more
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Soon the three posters were finished. “Let’s ride into town and [hit up the speakeasy]” said Anna. The girls went out to the paddock. Anna [knew her brain would collapse in on itself if she had to] see the cute cat again. But the cat wasn’t [dreaming its unspeakable dreams] next to Acorn anymore. “I wonder where he went,” [Pawnee drunkenly slurred. She had a serious problem.] “Maybe he was just visiting and now he’s [returned to his netherworldly dimension of eternal pain,” Pam said hopefully.] Anna pointed to Acorn’s back. “There he is,” she giggled [over the sound of Acorn’s scr...Read more
made of [Guernica.] Anna is dyslexic, so reading and writing are difficult for her. [She is so god damned dyslexic that the tense of this book changes when her dyslexia is being discussed.] Anna held up the drawing she’d made of the black cat. “That’s perfect,” said [Pawnee with vicious sarcasm.] “You’[ll never make it as an] artist, Anna,” added Pam. “Thanks,” said Anna. “You write the words and I’ll draw a cat for the next poster.” [She refused to let her friends see her cry.] Pam printed the words on the first poster. Lost [Was An Overrated TV Show With an Unsatisfyi...Read more
four years old. After that, Pawnee’s father took [a hard look at his life. He hated what he saw. He ran away,] lived in tents, rode elephants, and hid behind bushes [to watch his ex-wife fool around with the Vice President.] [Pawnee was heartbroken. She spent the next few years living with her uncles, Greg Daniels and Michael Schur.] When she turned ten, [she had a mental breakdown when she realized that she was simultaneously a human girl and an entire town with a population of 79,218]. That’s when she came to Wiggins to stay with her grandmother [and try to forget about the inherent contradictions ...Read more
Chapter 2 Screaming Ponies The Pony Pals went back into Pam’s house to [hide from the dire wolves lurking outdoors] and to make posters about the cat. Pam put big pieces of paper, pencils, and Magic [spellbooks] on the kitchen table. As Anna drew a picture of the [demonic] cat, she thought about her Pony Pals. [Pawnee, Indiana] was the Pony Pal who knew the most about [local government]. Her father was [Ron Swanson]. He went to [restaurants and ordered all the bacon and eggs.] [He was the perfect man, with a mustache like those of emperor tamarin] monkeys. [Pawnee]’s mother was [Leslie Knope....Read more
A few minutes later the Pony Pals were in Dr. Crandal’s examining room. He put the cat on the examining table and [readied his holy water and crucifix.] “I’ve never seen [the film Titanic],” Dr. Crandal said. “But I can tell you [Leonardo DiCaprio] lived outdoors all his life. [Leo] doesn’t have any scars and has eaten well. He’s also been altered. [Claire Danes] definitely [had chemistry with him in Romeo + Juliet].” Dr. Crandal listened to the cat’s heart and lungs with his stethoscope. “[This cat has no heartbeat. It is not of this world]” he said. He handed the cat back to Anna. “I’m going to [sa...Read more
“He has office hours this morning,” said Pam. “So we should go right now.” [The others agreed once Pam drew her pistol on them.] The cat followed the Pony Pals to the animal clinic. They put their ponies in the paddock. [Jesus Christ, they loved ponies so fucking much.] Anna picked up the cat, and the [two] girls [and the fictional town] went into the clinic waiting room. A man sat in one of the orange plastic chairs. A German [WWI-era soldier] sat at his feet. Pam patted the German [infantryman]’s head. “How you doing, Brandy?” she asked the [Kraut]. Brandy sniffed Pam’s hand [to check if she w...Read more
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and her pals loved riding on Pony Pal Trail. “No school for a whole week,” Anna shouted. “I [knew framing our teacher for arson was a good idea!”] “We’re going to have so much [heroin]!” Pam said. “Look, Anna,” [Pawnee] called. “The cat [came back to life!” At first, Anna and Pam thought she was just drunk again. Pawnee had a serious problem.] Anna turned and saw the cat running along the trail behind them. Acorn saw him, too. He [wondered if it was a projection of his murder-burdened conscience. Killing was not foreign to Acorn. Quite the contrary. So why only now, after ...Read more
“But we don’t know where [the most succulent portions are] or who [gets the wishbone], said [Pawnee]. “Do you?” Pam picked up the [body] and looked [the jellified carcass] over. “[The body, without the soul, is just matter],” she said. “Do you think [there’s an afterlife]?” asked Anna. “He doesn’t have a collar,” said Pam. “[So there’s nothing to loot from the corpse.” The avaricious girl sighed dejectedly.] “We should make a poster saying we found him,” said Anna. “Just in case someone [needs a dead cat for a Satanic ritual.”] “[Are we the fucking Feline Friends?]”...Read more
Anna went into the shed. Acorn wasn’t [fucking around.] He was staring at a fluffy black cat with white paws [taking a dump on his favorite saddle.] The cat was staring back at Acorn[, shitting like tomorrow wasn’t a thing.] “Hey, kitty,” said Anna. “What are you doing here?” [she asked, the act of defecation oddly foreign to the girl.] Pawnee came into the shed behind Anna. “Whose cat is that?” [the rural township enquired.] “I don’t know,” answered Anna. [“It’s not a pony, so who seriously gives a fuck?”] Suddenly, a mouse ran from behind the feed bin. [This contrived inc...Read more
Chapter 1 A Visitor Anna Harley came out her back door and ran across the backyard. There were two ponies in the paddock behind Anna’s house and yard. “Hey, ponies,” Anna called out. “We’re going for a trail ride[,” as she prepared the noose adroitly.] Anna’s pony, Acorn, was standing in the pony shed. The other pony, [Lil’ Sebastian], belonged to Anna’s next-door neighbor and Pony Pal, [The City of Pawnee, Indiana.] [Lil Seb] came over to Anna, but Acorn stayed in the shed. Anna thought that Acorn was trying to hide from her. He liked to play [I’m Scared Shitless of my Master.] #Detecti...Read more
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