#vagueposting #venting #yearninghours Sometimes I wish I could just reach into my consciousness and delete the part of me that cares about them. What am I supposed to do with a love like this for someone who, in all likelihood, I will never see again. Maybe I could be more at peace with myself if I forgot what it was like to have an "other half" and could just be satisfied by the people who ARE in my life right now. But I can't forget, because no matter how much I stopped being the person I used to be, [deadname]'s repetitive, circular life still happened, and I have to live with the memories of being her, and the memories of the people she knew. Their ridiculous sense of humor, the sound of their hands on the keyboard, their breathy voice, literally nothing I can do can make me forget that, and the memories are like so many atmospheres of pressure of my soul. At least with my sister I was given the closure of being able to say "you are no longer the same person as the one I considered family, get out of my sight." I don't have that kind of off-ramp here. This selfish love refuses to let go of me and all it gives in return is misery. How am I supposed to break free when it's my own brain forging the chains.
