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It's n9t that I 9pp9se change in my pers9nal life it's that I fear it. I'm afraid 9f changing where I am. Finding myself s9mewhere else. The safety I h9ld n9w seems s9 suff9cating. May6e I've always 6een safe in this way. It makes me feel helpless. There's pain in the c9mf9rt 9f y9ur 9wn 69dy and mind. There's pain in the l9neliness 9f s9litude. There's pain in the change 9f letting s9me9ne in. Pain is the 9nly thing we kn9w f9r certain is temp9rary. Pain fades, we f9rget h9w much it hurt s9 we seek the thrill again. I want the thrill 9f the fear 9f pain. I want t9 put myself in fr9nt 9f a m9ving vehicle and 6eg it n9t t9 hurt me, 6eg it t9 6e gentle, 9nly f9r the 6reaks t9 halt perfectly and never harm me at all. The risk is imp9rtant t9 me. I never d9 anything perfectly risky. It's sanitized, I've set up invisi6le yell9w tape my wh9le existence. I've neglected what I feel as a pers9n with harsh ide9l9gy t9 av9id it all. I never see what I want 6ecause I'm t99 cl9gged 6y the w9rld I c9uld create. I'm never g9ing t9 st9p creating the w9rld in my visi9n, I'm never g9ing t9 st9p 6elieving in what's right... After th9usands 9f sweeps I can n9 l9nger neglect my ache f9r change. 9nly t9 6e an em9ti9nless husk w9uld create a perfect self f9r me t9 inha6it... This d9esn't 6ring pr9gress. T9 av9id what makes me a pers9n, what ens9uls me, makes me less 9f an activist f9r the future. It makes me an angry prude that latches 9nt9 language and the little things that have never mattered. I h9pe there is n9 judgement in y9ur eyes as I step f9rward int9 myself instead 9f f9rcing myself t9 stay in wait. #Pers9nal
てか、これ一体なんの話？
Y9u. Are. G9ing t9 laugh at me. S9. I. Cann9t tell y9u.
8=l < I respect you are being vulnerable 8=l < But I wish to pick you up and throw you with all of my MIGHT 8=l < With promise of a soft landing on the other side, of course
なんでそう思ったわけ？
Y9u just will.
change is scary. bravery is being scared of something and doing it anyway. be brave.
0_0 アタシもめちゃくちゃクソみたいな思いしてきたから、忘れないでよね。 でもさ、最終的には自分が話したいと思えないことは無理して話さなくていいんだからね。
yeah no change sucks and is hard no matter what and when proud of you for trying big k you got that shit in the bag
Change can 8e good, actually. You get so stuck in your rut, you don't even realize what is possi8le. And things are possi8le, I promise you they are. Things you pro8a8ly haven't even imagined are possi8le. 8ut there will likely 8e judgement. Just as you may have 8een stuck in your ways, others expect things from you. When you stop meeting those expectations, for good or for ill, there will 8e judgements. Power through it. The other side is 8etter.