RIGHT. @WALKSTABWALK ASKED ME YESTERDAY WHAT MY LEAST FAVORITE MOVIE OF ALL TIME IS, AND TO REALLY “GO TO TOWN ON THAT THING”. SO, YOU’RE GETTING IT. YOU’RE ALL GETTING IT, IN FACT. LET’S LOCK IN. ONCE (2006) IS QUITE LITERALLY THE ANTITHESIS ON SERENDIPITY. THAT’S WHY I HATE IT SO FUCKING MUCH. THIS MOVIE SUCKS COMPLETE ASS AND HAS NO UNDERSTANDING OF HOW THE UNIVERSE ACTUALLY WORKS. AND SO, DEAR DEAR READERS, ALLOW ME TO SCHOOL YOU ON WHY. SO, THE SYNOPSIS: IT OPENS ON A GUY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET AT NIGHT, WAKING HIS NEIGHBORS WITH SOME SCREAM-SING-WAILING, AND A WOMAN APPROACHES HIM ASKING WHETHER HIS SONGS ARE HIS OWN. WE FIND OUT HE’S SOME REPAIR GUY FOR VACUUM CLEANERS. WOW, THIS GUY IS *COOL*. CUT TO THIS GIRL CARRYING A VACUUM CLEANER AROUND THE HIGH STREET LIKE A FUCKING LOON IN HOPES THE GUY WILL FIX IT. WHICH HE DOESN’T. INSTEAD THEY POP INTO A MUSIC STORE, WHERE SHE PLAYS HIM A LITTLE PLINKY PLONKY HORSESHIT ON THE PIANO AND HE GETS ALL INSPIRED AND MUSHY GUSHY AND STARTS PLAYING WITH HER. “I DONT KNOW YOU BUT I WANT YOU ALL THE MORE FOR IT”. PERFECT START TO A BEAUTIFUL SERENDIPITOUS ROMANCE. THEY’RE ON THE BUS AND HE STARTS SINGING ABOUT THIS SHITASS WOMAN THAT CHEATED ON HIM AND THEN LEFT HIM HIGH AND DRY FOR FUCKING CHISWICK (AND MAYBE @CHEEKYGIT WILL KNOW WHERE THIS IS), WHICH IS WHY HE’S “A SUCKER OF A GUY” ON HIS OWN OUT THERE. IT’S HER TURN TO GO MUSHY GUSHY. THEN HE FUCKS IT UP BY ASKING HER TO STAY THE NIGHT. AT LEAST, WE THINK SO UNTIL HE APOLOGIZES ON THE STREET TO HER FACE. REDEMPTION ARC FOR GUITAR GUY. THEY GO BACK TO HER PLACE NOW, WHICH… STRANGE DECISION ON HER PART CONSIDERING YOU WERE JUST ALL MAD AT HIM FOR ASKING YOU TO STAY THE NIGHT BUT OKAY, GO OFF. TURNS OUT SHE’S GOT A WRIGGLER? AND A BIG FAMILY. THIS PART IS SO FUCKING AWKWARD, FUCKING HELL. WHATEVER. THE WORDS THEY EXCHANGE ON THE STOOP ARE MORE IMPORTANT. THEY’RE TRANSACTIONAL. SHE DENIES HIS COMPANY. WHY? SHE’S ALL BENT OUT OF SHAPE AND ACTING ALL FUNNY AFTER THE WHOLE EXCHANGE, TRYING TO FIND BATTERIES FOR HER MUSIC DEVICE AND SINGING THE LYRICS ON THE WALK HOME, “I CANT TELL DREAMS FROM TRUTH” AND “I CAN HARDLY REMEMBER YOUR FACE ANYMORE”. I SHOULD HAVE FUCKING KNOWN FROM THAT POINT ON THAT IT WAS A SINKING SHIP, BUT ONCE AGAIN MY PUSHER DECEIVES ME, GRINDING MY PSYCHE INTO A BLOODY RAW PULP. THE PATHETIC LAMENTATION OVER HIS EX GIRLFRIEND DRIVES THE NEXT SONG. ALONG WITH A COMPILATION OF HIS OWN MEMORIES. AN OBJECTIVE TEAR JERKER, I WILL GIVE IT THAT. HE DECIDES HE'S GONNA GO GET HIS STUPID GIRLFRIEND WHO CHEATED ON HIM BACK, FOR SOME REASON? WHAT AN IDIOT. BUT HE WANTS TO RECORD HER SINGING BEFORE HE GOES. WE ARE IGNORING THE SOLICITOR SINGING A BAD SONG TO THEM. THEY MEET THESE BUSKERS ON THE STREET, AND THEY ALL END UP AT THIS PARTY FULL OF EXUBERENT, ECCENTRIC ASSHOLES WHO LOVE TO SING AND OUT-DOUCHE EACH OTHER. SOME OF IT IS CRAP, SOME OF IT IS ACTUALLY OKAY. OVERALL, ANOTHER FATEFUL BONDING EXPERIENCE BETWEEN GIRL AND GUY SO THEY CAN FALL EVEN DEEPER FOR EACH OTHER. AND THEN, SHE DROPS THE FUCKING *M-BOMB*. MARRIED. FUCK! AND SHE STILL HAS THE SHAME-GLOBES TO ASK HIM HOW TO TEACH HER HOW TO DRIVE A MOTORBIKE. WHAT A JOKE. THUS BEGINS ANOTHER MUSIC VIDEO WITH A GUY WHO POSSESSES SOME SERIOUS WOOLBEAST CHOPS, AND THEY START RECORDING THIS SONG THE GUY DESPERATELY WANTS TO DO WITH THEIR STUDIO MANAGER WHO IS THE BIGGEST MOST INSUFFERABLE MEGA-DOUCHE ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET. “AND I’LL BE AT YOUR DOOR WHEN THERE'S NOTHING WORTH RUNNING FOR. WHEN YOUR MIND IS MADE UP, THERE'S NO POINT TRYING TO CHANGE IT/STOP IT”. COME ON PEOPLE!!!!!!! HE IS PRACTICALLY BEGGING BOTH THIS WOMAN AND HIMSELF TO ACCEPT FATE. OPEN YOUR GANDER BULBS AND LOOK! “YOU MUST HAVE FALLEN FROM THE SKY, YOU NEED SOMEWHERE TO FALL APART”. IT IS LOOKING RIGHT AT YOU. IT IS A KIDDY POOL, TEPID AND INVITING, FILLED WITH BUBBLES AND LITTLE FUCKING RUBBER DUCKS, AND THEYRE ALL STARING UP AT YOU, GOING “PLEASE, HAVE A SWIM”. SHE SHOWS HIM HER SECRET SONG. “AND I'M LETTING MYSELF DOWN BY SATISFYING YOU.” AND NOW SHE’S CRYING. SHE SAYS HE SHOWED HER VAPID SPONGELESS HUSBAND AND HE DIDN’T LIKE IT. SHE RECOMMENDS THEY RUN AWAY, NEVER TO BE FOUND AGAIN. AND IT SEEMS LIKE THEY ARE ABOUT TO TAKE THE LEAP. A FANG-ACHING BEACH COMPILATION, THROWING A FRISBEE LIKE A DOUCHE. HE INVITES HER OVER. WHAT A LOVELY VIGNETTE INTO THE LIVES OF TWO HUMANS WHO SEEMED TO JUST BE IN THE RIGHT PLACE AT THE RIGHT TIME. THE STARS ALIGNED, THEY MADE A CONNECTION. OR WAS IT HAPPENSTANCE? SHE NEVER FUCKING SHOWS UP! HE LOOKS ALL OVER FOR HER AND ITS LIKE SHE NEVER EVEN EXISTED. THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS A COINCIDENCE. BUT THIS MOVIE TAKES ALL OF THAT FATE, ALL OF THAT SWEET, SWEET ALIGNMENT THE UNIVERSE HAS SO GRACIOUSLY PLACED ON THEIR PLATTERS, AND SUCKS IT INTO THE GAPING MAW OF A BLACK HOLE, CRUMPLING IT INTO THE ULTIMATE SINGULARITY. IT WAS SO GODDAMN CLEAR THAT THE TRUE PEOPLE THEY WERE MEANT TO BE WITH WERE RIGHT IN FRONT OF EACH OTHER AND YET THEY BOTH JUST FUCKING LEFT TO GO BACK TO THE RESPECTIVE DUMPY DIAPERS THEY CALL MATESPRITS? THAT RIDICULOUS BEACH ROMP WAS A FUCKING SET-UP. THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO BE TOGETHER. THEY WERE MEANT TO TRAIPSE DOWN THIS PATH HOLDING HANDS AND SHITTING OUT BUTTERFLIES, BUT HE LEAVES FOR LONDON AND SHE DROPS OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH TO GO BUY HERSELF A FUCKING PIANO OR WHATEVER AND THEIR PATHS NEVER. CROSS. AGAIN. BUT AT LEAST THEY HAVE THEIR STUPID RECORDINGS ON A CD, RIGHT? I WOULD RATHER LET MYSELF BLEED OUT ON THE UNPOLISHED HARDWOOD OF THIS CABIN FLOOR THAN WATCH THIS TRASH GARBAGE EVER AGAIN. THE DIRECTOR AND SCRIPTWRITERS CLEARLY HAVE NEVER ENLIGHTENED THEMSELVES WITH MY BLOG, OR ELSE THEY WOULD KNOW BETTER THAN TO PROCURE SOMETHING THIS UNINTELLIGENT. A BARKBEAST COULD HAVE SHAT OUT A BETTER CONCEPT OF LOVE THAN THIS. FUCK THIS GUY, FUCK THIS GIRL. GOOD LUCK IN “CHISWICK””!!!!!!
WHAT ARE YOU SHITTING ON CHISICK FOR MATE IT’S LITERALLY FINE. BETTER THAN HALF THE PLACES HERE ON ALTERNIA. x
GIVE HIM HIS SOAP8OX QUICK WUICK