𝚂𝚎𝚎𝚛 𝚘𝚏 𝚖𝚎𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚜

2 weeks ago

File Overwritten

You finally remembered!

Deverified

A user of unestablished repute

transgender

love yourself

Lavender Menace

A moniker of adorable eldritch evil.

@discardedPasts[DP]

𝚃𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚖𝚎𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚢 𝚋𝚎𝚕𝚘𝚗𝚐𝚜 𝚝𝚘: @thespiantestified. you Don’t Know How You Began To Feel This Way. you Suppose It Was Somewhere Around Your Thirteenth Birthday. When You Finally Met—no, Were Finally *revealed* To Your Extended Family. now That’s A Real Drama, You Think. Fit For Tv, Twenty Season Run, Would Top The Charts Instantly. you Remember That Day Well, Surprisingly. Or, Maybe Not So Surprisingly. The Night Before Was When It Really All Started. your Sister Had Informed You And Your Siblings That You All, In Fact, Had Quite The Extended Family, All Of Whom Never Even Knew You Existed. For Years. Childhood Friends Of Your Father Had Never Even Known That He Had A Family Of His Own, Now Granted Yes, You Were All Partial To A Kind Of Hermit Lifestyle, Due To The Rampant Paparazzi That Plagued The Outside World—but For Creation’s Sake You Had An Aunt And Uncle Technically. Surely, They Deserved To Know That You All Were A Thing, Right? your Sister, Blaize, Had Been Talking To One For Quite Some Time Now, A Few Weeks At Minimum. She Had A Plan In Mind, Either Your Father Informed Them All That He Had Children, Or She—and You, And Callum And Ember, By Extension—would Introduce Yourselves *for* Him. Do It On His Terms, Or Yours. to This Day, You Still Believe It Should Have Been On Your Own Terms Period, But Alas—here We Are. Reluctantly, Your Father Had Agreed To These Terms, Knowing He Was Stuck Between A Rock And A Hard Place. The Deal Was Struck; You’d All Meet Them On The Day Of Your Thirteenth Birthday The Next Following Day. it Was A Tense Drive There, Dad—caliborn—was Unusually Silent, The Whole Ordeal Was Tense, Only Occasionally Broken Up By Ember Purposefully Poking The Hornets Nest To Get Him To Argue, Rant And Debate With Father Or Her, Or Just Anything To Get Him To Break The Silence. Blaize Occasionally Chimed In, Jokingly, Further Stoking The Fires Of What Was A Collective Favorite Pastime. you Declined To Join In. Callum Did As Well. the One Thing That Had Plagued You, That Kept You From Sleeping, Was… why. why Were You Kept Secret? you Had Still To Receive An Answer On That Front, And The Question Weighed In Your Stomach Like A Cold Stone, A Pit Of Poison Piercing Through Your Core. when You Finally Arrived, Father Had Rushed Out To Walk In First. That’s When You Saw… Her. The Woman You Would Later Know As Jane Crocker. you Immediately Were Uneasy Of Her, The Way She Looked At You—you Couldn’t Place It At The Time, But Something About Her Gaze Made You Feel… Bad. Like You Darkened Her Doorstep For Simply Appearing, When It Was Her Who Had Suggested To Hold This Whole Ordeal At Her Home. and What A Home It Was, A Mansion Really. when You Had Finally Entered, All Eyes Were On You And Your Siblings—and You Were Not Ready For Just How Full That Living Would Be. you Had Expected Maybe Four, Five, Six At Most People Attending, But This Was… A Lot More. you Were Enthusiastically, If Hesitantly, Greeted By A Woman You Now Know As Roxy. Her Gaze Was A Lot More Comforting, Still Uneasy, But You Felt Safer, In A Way, In Her Presence. You All Ushered Into The Living Room, Blaize And Ember Now Leading The Charge, Each Making Their Own Bombastic Introduction In Their Own Respective Ways. You Were Thankful For Taking Most Of The Heat Onto Themselves As You Sat Down, Placed Between A Man Dressed In All Blue—john, And Your Brother Callum. eventually, It Was Your Turn To Say Your Name And Get Your Hello’s In Before The Inevitable Blowing Out Of Candles And Throwing Of Cake And Icing, As Was Tradition In Your Home. While Callum And Ember Ran Off To Continue Their Silly War Of Pastries, You Were Left Between The Sea Of All These New Faces, Your Parents And Blaize. she Was The One Who Asked The Question. “why Have You Kept Us Secret For So Long, Lying To All Your Friends And Family, By Omission?” you Don’t Fully Remember The Sorry Excuse He Gave, Looking At The Floor, Away From Everyone, Seated On The Furthest End Of The Couch Arm, Giving Many, Many Long Winded Reasons Why He Had Chosen To Go This Route, The Statistics, The Reasoning—you Remember This Next Part Clearly, The Thing You Regret Doing To This Very Day, The Action That Raises That Stinging Poison-cold-rock In Your Stomach; You Spoke Up. Had Cut Him Off Mid-sentence With Such A *stupid* Thing To Say— “were You Ashamed Of Us?” immediately As The Words Left Your Mouth, All Eyes Were On You, You Hated What You Said—should Have Worded It Better—even Dad Was Looking At You With This *look*, Not Anger Not Confusion, Something *worse*— you Had Shrunk In On Yourself. Tucked Your Head Down, Looked At Your Feet, Avoided Meeting Anyone Else’s Gaze. everyone Was Quiet. You Hated That Response. You Heard Someone Insist That No One Was, You Forget Who, You Couldn’t Care. the Next Half Hour Was A Blur After That. You Had Gotten The Names Of Everyone Else, Went Through The Motions Of A Traditional Birthday (your Uncle, Dave, Had Gotten You A Hoodie. No One Was Sure What To Give You, No One Had Met You, Most Were Even Unsure Whether To Bring Presents At All. This Was More Of An Intervention Rather Than A Celebration Of You And Your Siblings Starting Your Next Phase Of Life S Teens.) And Went Home Anxious And Uneasy. truly, The Worst Birthday, You Would Ever Have. the Next Week, Jane Had Visited Your Home In Person. Dad Was Dead Asleep, You Assumed She Showed Up Specifically Because He Was. Father Had Opened The Door. the Rest Of Your Siblings Were Busy With Their Own Hobbies, So With You Sitting At The Kitchen-island Writing Something You Had Quickly Tabbed To Another Page To Hide (your Romance Novels Would Never See The Light Of Day Around Her, You Had Quickly Decided.), She Had Elected To Spend Time With You First. it Was An Awkward Exchange. All Exchanges Going Forward With Her Would Be, She Asked You What Your Career Aspirations Were, And Given That You Were Thirteen Now, You Weren’t Sure. You Had Fumbled For An Answer, Regretfully Said “a Writer”, And She Gave You This… Look. One Similar To The One She Gave You When She Had First Lain Eyes On You. it Made You Feel… Wrong. Like You Had Been Given A Test And Failed. she Had Said Something Along The Lines That It Was An Emotionally Rewarding Career, And Something About That Felt Deeply Condescending, But As Is Your Habit You Had Not Said Anything. She Had Left With Your Father To Speak Of Other Things, A Still-tense Air Between Them, And Left You In The Kitchen. what Was Her Deal? Why Does She Continue To Look At You Like That, Did You Do Something To Offend Her? How? You Had Only Just Met All Of One Time A Week Ago. you Tried To Go Back To Writing. You Couldn’t. You Closed Your Laptop Then. over The Following Years, There Were Many More Moments Like This Between You Two. Though, The Longer She Knew You And Your Siblings, The More She Would Make *comments* About You, To You, Seemingly Worried Over You, Your Life, Career, Even Your Damn Body And What You Eat. it Was No Secret Your Weight Was Something Of A Controversial Topic, Either Always Under Or Overweight For Your Age As You Grew, But Coming From Her It Was Just… you Didn’t Like It. You Didn’t Like Her, And Not Liking Her Made You Feel Awful Because Everyone Liked Her, She Was Your Father’s Childhood Best Friend, How Could You Not Like Her? She Was Nice, Funny, Witty, A Bit Sassy But Never Too Mean—and Then You Would Speak With Her, And You’d Feel Bad About Yourself, And Thus The Cycle Begins Anew. you Thought About Saying Something. you’d Remember Your Thirteenth Birthday When You Had. you’d Stop Yourself. it Would Eventually Come To A Head, Though, When You Had Come Home For The Fall. You’d Been Away At College For Some Time, And Though You Gave It Your Best Shot, Your Ever-worsening-anxiety Had Made It Difficult To The Point That You Had To Switch To Online Classes After A Particularly Bad Breakdown After A Party You Were Pressured Into Attending. you Had Been Hoping To Keep That Part Of Why You Were Coming Home Under Wraps. Only Your Parents And Siblings Would Know, Everyone Else Would Be In Blissful Ignorance. you Are Naive, To Think Only They Would Be In The Know. you Were Slinging Your Bag Over Your Shoulder When She Spoke, Just About Ready To Head Home After The Small Gathering Between Your Siblings, Dad And Friends, Celebrating Your Return Home. “when Do You Plan To Return Back To Campus?” Was The Question. You Forget If Those Were Her Exact Words, But That Was The Intent Of What She Said. “oh, I Um, I Was Actually Planning On Switching To Online Classes For A While.” You Answered Back. “why?” your Throat Tightened. “just Felt Like A Better Fit For Me.” “i Hope You’re Not Giving Up And Taking The Easy Route Out. You’re Better Than *that*”. again, You Forget Exactly What She Said To You, But The Way She Said “that”, “you’re Better Than *that*”—the Emphasis, Was What Struck A Bad Chord In You. Like She Was Saying You Were Still Not That Good, But Surely You Wouldn’t Stoop *that* Low. you Felt… A Simmering Rage. “i’m Not Giving Up On Anything, I Just—i-i Feel Like, I’d Do Better If I Worked From Home, Where I Feel *safe*—“ “you Need To Stop Giving In To Your Silly Anxiety.” “…” “you Can’t Keep Doing This, Calcifer. How Much Longer Are You Going To Just Float Along On This Path?” any Bite You Had Went Cold. she Shook Her Head At You, Sighing, Picking Up Her Wine Glass. “i Suppose You’re Just Not Built For This.” that Was The Straw That Broke The Camels Back, You Think. the Worst Part Is… She’s Kind Of Right. you Aren’t Built For This. You Aren’t Enough, Something About You Is Just Fundamentally Wrong. You Will Never *be* Enough. at Least Now You Don’t Have To Worry About It, looking Over The Ledge. #implied-attempted-suicide #cw-eating-disorder #brief-body-dysmorphia #cw-suicidal-ideation #psychologicalabuse #emotionalabuse #gaslighting what Were You Built For Then? 𝙼𝚎𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚢 𝚏𝚒𝚗 ⠀⠀ ⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀