@nautiliteMooncatcher — #death
⦓ ... The saddest part is that I know she would love them all too. But I would've never met them if she'd still been alive. I... Have been known to be a little... Codependent... Perhaps. If she was there then things would have been so very different. I hope there's another version of our session where she lived and we won. The idea that the only way we could have won is by losing her, I... I can't bear that thought. I can't bear it. #death ⦔
⦓ ... Sometimes I think about how very easy it would be to kill someone. I could just... Do it. They'd be gone in an instant. Teleport their pusher right out of their chest. Teleport something sharp inside their neck. Swap their pan's hemispheres. Air in their blood, even, if I wanted nobody to notice. It would be so, so easy. But I could never. I could never do that, like... Emotionally. Which is why it's so terrifying that it would be that simple. Eugh... I don't feel good thinking about it, but I'm just... Stuck on the thought... I don't like it... ⦔
⦓ Don't go to the places where the memories are that's where the memories are. Except here I am. In my hive. Where the memories are. Except the ones I can't even recall because they were taken from me. There's a whole floor I don't even go in. There's bloodstains I can't scrub out. Things are missing that should have been there. I don't sleep in my respiteblock anymore because it reminds me of her, and I never look at the stairs going up to the gates because the damage done to them reminds me of the final fight. ⦔ ⦓ ... Ugh. Floor time again I guess. What else can I even do? What else even is there? An...Read more
⦓ ... So I'm just sitting here. The guy who killed my partner and two others, and just stabbed me to death several times in a row, is smoking a cigarette like five feet away from me. But I can't really do anything about that. So I'm just sitting. I don't even think I have the energy to be mad right now. She would've pulled his spine out. I know she would've. But I'm... Not. For some reason. ⦔
⦓ ... Well, I knew it would be empty, but... It's emptier than I expected. I guess I never got to see if our Jack actually left a body, or if they got him with his own weapon... Still don't know where he got a weapon like that, honestly. But there's nothing here. Maybe they buried him. Maybe he got up and walked away. I kind of don't really care... Godspeed to the guy who permakilled the first three players within a couple days. Fuck him. That particular one, obviously. ⦔
⦓ At least I know now why I keep fucking up at the most important moments. They wanted me to. Fuck. I just don't know why...! I just do not understand why! Why would anyone want their companions to die? Why would anyone want to make it look like it was my fault? I believed it was! I truly... I thought I... I thought I was the reason they died... ⦔