@nightterrorPsychologist — #cw-self-harm
Of course I burnt the cigarette out on myself.
First bit of writing I've managed in days and it was written while laying in a bathtub with an inch of water, all while fully clothed and my arms are bleeding...what an interesting combination I apparently required in order for me to write something decent.
I had to lock myself in the bathroom just to get some time to myself, of course I'm not safe in here but it's the only way I'm getting privacy, and if I wish to harm myself that's only partially unrelated.
I was correct about the shower helping, I still feel awful and cleaning my injuries was painful, but I do feel substantially better.
It's been difficult to get left alone today, the moment someone realizes I've been left in a room alone someone will come in just to keep an eye on me. I know this is the system we all agreed on but it can be rather annoying.
I need someone to bash my skull in, or just put me out of my misery in general it doesn't have to be gruesome, though preferably I be killed in a gruesome manner.
I've locked myself in my study again... I don't feel safe in here anymore. It's becoming a place of self induced pain and mental suffer.
Typically either the blood or the sting will make me feel less empty and yet here we are. I suppose I feel disgusting, and like a waste, though even those thoughts are clouded in the blur of numbness that's overcome me as of late.
I̶͎̝͌̾͠t̵͙̦͋̑̚͠'̷̬̪̆š̸̤̺̟͜ ̶̬͔̬̓̾̀̄ņ̶͎̹̼̀͆̅́o̸̠͍̲̪̅͗̉́t̴̹̍͌̚ ̷̩͐͆̆e̸̺̥͎̓n̸̫̖͙̈ó̴͚̹͙͇̅͊̾ŭ̴̥̱̙̋ͅĝ̴̤̰̓͐h̴̩̻̱̬͛͆̈́̋.̴̢͔̦͓̄͐
How ironic is it that somedays the only things that give me life are those that could kill me?
It just needs to be deep enough and hurt enough to matter.
Having sucidal ideation beginning at the age of eleven isn't a good sign of things to come, frankly good luck ever leaving that thought process at that point within the next fifteen-ish years.
I need to go to bed before I make a mistake...
W̵̫̩͕͍̪̯̐̆̽̍̕ã̷̩͕̣͇̫̼ņ̴̛͒͂̆t̴̟͍͗̌̔̇͠ ̸͕̝̄̃͌͋͂t̸͉̗͕̖͗͊̒o̶̘̗͐̒̄̈̕ ̷̢̛͎͔͕̎̀̄̕͝ͅḥ̷̦͙̓̊u̴̘̩̣̞͌̀̇̉̆̚͝r̶̻͊̕͝ṯ̵͆̃͗͆̑͠͠ ̴̥͇̅̐̎̏̅w̴̢̧̞̟̄͜a̸̰̖͑͘n̶͍͊͐̆͌t̸̡̙̼̓̽̀́̐͝͝ ̵̱̽̂̋̎̚t̸̳̍̾̌̎̚͝ỏ̷̜͈̙̘̓͛̋̚͘ ̶̣̜̐̇h̵̺͗̋̆ṳ̶̪̣̳̘̦̒̏ͅŗ̴̲̙̓̑̄͛̕t̴͎͍̗̓̀̿ ̸̛̠͂̅͆̆͆̐N̵͎͈͗̅̚E̵̠̓̏Ė̵̼͔̺̫̥͌͘͝D̴̟̞̀ͅ ̴̞͙͇͓̙̊͗̈͘͜͠T̷̢͚̦̜͕́ͅO̵̞̠̠͋̇̓̇̓̏̚ ̵͖̓͌̋H̸͚̟̉̄͘̚U̷̝̅̓̈́̓R̷̢͎̮̜͍͔̈́͗͒T̴̳̗͈̗̻̎̎.̸̨̰̫̦̞̻̤̔̑͌̆̔
I had forgotten until recently how calming it can be so stare at my own blood pouring out of a wound I know for fact I caused.
There's something so plesant about seeing the blood spill from ones own body, that sense that your alive and in control of that fact, it's beautiful, and you did that.
You would think I'd be feeling better at this point in the day but honestly, no, not in the slightest, I would still run in front of a moving train if I could. Or jump off a roof...or stab myself repeatedly, I have a lot of options.
I would be so easy, I just need something sharp enough to puncture the first hole. A̷̛̟ļ̸̓l̶͆ͅ ̶̙͌Į̴̅ ̶͔͛w̶̺̋o̶̬͝u̴̼͒l̸̉͜d̴̪̀ ̷̲̒h̴̗̀a̶̰͗v̵̰͆e̷͖͂ ̸̳̔t̷̟̽ò̷̼ ̴̲͂d̷̪̑ọ̷͝ ̷̺̑a̸͉͘f̵̢̾ṯ̶̔e̴̪̿ŕ̵̺w̶̱̌a̵̭̅ṛ̵͂d̴͓̔s̸͍̑ ̵̲͆i̶̧͒s̷͈̊ ̵͖͠ḋ̸̨í̴̖g̴̝̋ ̸̪̈́ḿ̴̠y̶͈̾ ̴̹̌f̸̮͐í̸̳ǹ̴͜ḡ̶͔e̸͍̽ŗ̶͌ś̴̱ ̵͙̈́i̸͔͑n̸͖̊t̶̝̍ó̴͖ ̴̫̈́t̵͖͠h̵̪͝è̷̥ ̷̱̍ḧ̷̗́ǫ̴͛ḷ̸̌ḛ̸̎ ̸̽͜a̸͍͗n̴̘̒d̷̳͊ ̵̘́s̵̘̈́t̵̨̛a̸̦͌r̵͉͒t̶͓̐ ̶̻̉t̵̪̊ḛ̵̊a̷̬͗r̶̳̿î̶͓n̴͜͠g̸̝̒ ̵̬̂a̷̛̳ṯ̷̓ ̷̧͌t̴͍̓h̶̙̄e̴͚͠ ̷̟̃f̷̼͑l̷̤̑e̴͖͂s̵̯̑ȟ̴̝,̵̗̊ A̵̢͊͆l̴̩̲͐͊l̸̻̫̎̆͆ ̴̢̗͆̓̕Į̴̳̼̈́͒͛ ̵̧̘̮̃͝͝w̸̨̰͊͒ơ̴̪̇û̷̹̈̕ḽ̸͍̽͝ď̸̟͚ ̷̱̈́̌̈́h̶̥̖̊͆a̷̙̣̹͆͠v̸͚͔͠e̷̝̐͠ ̸̡͕̟͋͌ẗ̵̢̧̺́͠o̸̞͛͠͝ ̵̢̭͘d̷̨̺̹̽͐o̷̠̕ ̸̬͕̍̚...Read more
There is nothing I've wanted more today than to peel the flesh off my arms and break the bones into shards.
I suppose if I force myself to look at a brightside, I no longer am capable of getting scars on my arms, so once last nights mistake heals it will seem as though it never happened.
It may just be the blood loss but I swear I keep seeing mutini out of the corner of my eye, if I get bit you'll know why.
Dave found out and his first reaction was to ask if I wanted to lay on the ground listening to "Migraine" on loop with him while we wait for the blood to stop... Why is my brother like this?
... Of course. Of fucking course once things calm down again I panic and relapse, why wouldn't I?
I think I'll settle for a slushie, brain freeze can be a good alternative for #cw-self-harm type actions.
Sometimes I wonder if suicidal ideation is a genetic trait when it comes to those born through ectobiology.
Hello again grimCue I'm almost certain this was you. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/ea56238c226a.png I'd rather not listen to them again lest we forget what happened last night, I've been on suicide watch all day because of it... Speaking of I'm shocked you had nothing to say about a prior post bringing up the topic of suicide. Now that the death threat is over back to the usual questions: https://forms.gle/N6NwRMqSohor9Bz97
Sometimes I think about that time I found an old chatlog where Jade's grandpa tried to convince my mother and Dave's brother into agreeing to a suicide pact.
I had to sneak away... I relapsed...they're going to be so disappointed. It didn't help, yet it feels like I deserved it.
I've been clean for two years now... It's getting harder not to fail.