⦓ Maybe this is a "journal factory burned down" kind of post, so feel free to scroll away if you don't want to read my overthinking about how much I hate being angry... ⦔ ⦓ Sometimes I feel like anger is something ugly and disgusting, but only when I'm the one who has it. If someone is enraged that someone hurt them, or hurt someone they love, I go yes, that's so fair! That's so fair, you can be angry about that, anyone would be! But when it's me, when I'm the one who's mad, I... I just feel like some sort of monster. Like a stereotype. Classic seadwellers always getting mad and putting other castes in danger without thinking about it. I don't want to do that! I never want to do that. ⦔ ⦓ But I'm a troll at the end of the day. If you hurt someone I care about, how could I not be mad? It would be weirder if I wasn't, right? But I still feel like I have to cut rage out of me like a tumor. I have to be nice or I'm a threat. Happy and sad are safe and rage is a gun, and if I have a gun everyone will hate me. Ugh... I don't know how to deal with anger... I'll try to wait it out some more. But I'm scared it won't go away until that man does. It doesn't have to be me who does it- I can't, even if I want to. I'm not able to. But maybe that's even worse. Makes me even more of a stereotype. I know I'm overthinking but I also know that I was hatched with a weapon in my hand and it is my responsibility to ensure it is never turned against anyone. ⦔
That sucks about the journal factory/ Anyway/ Can't wait to read the rest of this post/
⦓ Auh... Okay. I mean I did post it publically... I'm not sure if I wanted advice or if I was just hoping that someone would tell me I'm not completely unforgivable for being mad about things sometimes. Or that I am. I don't know. Can you tell I'm in a really really weird mood? ⦔
I'm not done yet, hold on/
⦓ ... Okay. Holding. ⦔
Thank you// :)
⦓ That's alright, anytime. ⦔
You're not unforgiveable for be/ing angry/ You have to do someth/ing unforgiveable first/ I've been angrier longer than I've been alive, depend/ing on if you count the hour or so I was dead that one time/ I won't divulge my own sob story, but know I'm here, as a nuisance to you and everyone else despite of it/ Anger's not a weapon/ It's just the often (mis)guid/ing force that aims weapons/ I think you can hate someone/ You can imagine terrible th/ings/ You can find it comfort/ing/ These are just thoughts/ What matters is what happens when you are given the opportunity/ If be/ing angry made us monsters, then there would be no trolls/
⦓ I... I do agree that anger isn't a weapon, but... I have a lot of them. Lots i didn't ask for. If the person I hate is on Alternia, and I went there and offhandedly mentioned wanting him dead, there's a nonzero chance that someone thinking they can suck up to a highblood by bringing me his head might do it. And I don't want that. And they wouldn't even necessarily be wrong for trying, it's hard to survive on Alternia and I can't begrudge anyone trying to find an easier way to do it. But the fact that just saying the thought aloud in the wrong place could get someone killed... Is something I'm terrified of. And I say this because it's happened. Not to me, I... Never really spend enough time in civilisation. But to people I knew. Offhanded comments turned into suddenly being presented a corpse and big pleading eyes seeking favour. I'm terrified of it. I am so scared. ⦔ ⦓ ... I guess the fear of that made me teach myself that I'm not allowed to ever be angry or hate anyone, because it might get them killed. And... I want this guy dead. I genuinely do, I think some important people in my life would be so much safer if that man was gone. But someone I care for doesn't, so I have to try and make sure I don't cause his death, or I'll hurt them. I'm torn between wanting to protect by removing the problem and wanting to soothe by just trusting that they're far enough away from it to be safe. And-- there, see? I stopped talking about him as a person and started referring to him as a problem to be solved. I hate that I do that. What if I start doing that to others? Usually I'd just backspace and edit but I left it in to sort of... Show you what I'm worried about. ⦔ ⦓ I don't want to hurt anyone but I have a huge capacity for it, and anger opens up the doors to the things I try to keep somewhere safe so I don't risk hurting anyone. ⦔ ⦓ ... I... I guess I'm more scared than anything else, really. Thank you for listening to me... I really do appreciate it. Sorry for whining. ⦔