#ven+ #nsfw #maybe #+ravmadvmp i've kind of disappeared off chi++r becavse i'm a+ a loss of +hings +o say. every day i wake vp and realize i'm s+ill me and +here's no+hing i can do abov+ i+ and i ha+e i+. i ha+e i+ and i wan+ ov+ and i wan+ +o fix every+hing +ha+'s ever happened and be a be++er person. bv+ i don'+ even know if +ha+'s possible. if i+'ll ever be. if i deserve i+. maybe i deserve +o be +rapped here on +his ear+h forever wi+h no recovrse. all i do is +hink abov+ every+hing +ha+'s happened and +he horrible shi+ i've done +o people and regre+ i+ all. and i've heard people say +ha+'s a good +hing +ha+ i do regre+ i+, +ha+ a lo+ of people don'+ end vp doing +ha+. +ha+ i+'s so so so ma+vre for me as a seadweller +o look back on my mis+akes and +o wan+ +o be be++er. bv+ i ha+e +he environmen+ i grew vp in. i ha+e +ha+ no one ever +old me no. i ha+e +ha+ my lvsvs didn'+ fvcking seem +o care. i ha+e +he fvcking hemocas+e sys+em wi+h all my life and i wish +ha+ i+ ac+vally WERE fic+ional, becavse maybe i covld have had a chance. bv+ al+hovgh i had privilege dve +o i+ and all. and +here's no fvcking denying +ha+. i+ fvcking des+royed me. as a person. as a redeemable person. i ha+e myself and i ha+e wha+ ive done +o people. and im +rapped here, on ear+h. forever. dealing wi+h +he shi+ i've done +o hvmans, +oo. i ha+e +his. i can'+ go +o anybody abov+ i+. i've been doing my own medical work for mos+ of my life a+ +his poin+ and i can'+ +alk +o anyone on ear+h abov+ my +ravma becavse +hey'll be like "WAI+, YOV'RE A +ROLL???" and ei+her a) +hink i'm crazy b) i'll end vp being ear+h firs+ con+ac+ or c) +hey'll be like "OH +HA+S +HE HOMES+VCK +HING HAHAHAHAH NICE" i look a+ myself in +he mirror and i +vrn in+o a hvman and i wan+ +o cry. and +hen i look a+ my real self and i+'s almos+ worse. i'm sorry im fvcking wri+ing +his. bv+ i jvs+. i ha+e +he way +hings are and i ha+e +ha+ if i had power, i'd probably jvs+ end vp repea+ing +he horrible cycle of abvse and mvrder and possible genocide +ha+ +he hemocas+e sys+em represen+s. i don'+ wan+ +o kill hvmans. i don'+ wan+ +o kill anyone. i don'+ wan+ +o hvr+ anyone. ye+ i have. i have and i ha+e +his. i ha+e i+ and i can'+ live wi+h myself and ye+ +here's no+hing i can do.
and +o be hones+, +he idea of me and my species being "fic+ional" makes me feel like i'm no+ even real. maybe i'm no+. maybe i'm a fvcking figmen+ of someone's imagina+ion and i ha+e i+. i fvcking. ha+e i+.
i don'+ +hink i can ever properly a+one for +he +hings i've done, bv+ if +he res+ of my life can be devo+ed +o ripping apar+ any sys+ems devo+ed +o genocide and mvrder and pvre evil, +hose +ha+ end vp hvr+ing +rolls or hvmans, i wan+ +ha+ +o be wha+ my life's work is dedica+ed +o. and im sorry i never fvcking vnders+ood before.
[BEGIN MESSAGE] [ACTION:QUERY] d0 y0u wantt t0 1eave y0ur earth? [END MESSAGE]
on some level, yeah. on ano+her, i'll sor+a s+vpidly miss some +hings abov+ i+, i +hink. i don'+ wan+ +o ever end vp on any plane+ or in any socie+y +ha+ prac+ices hemocas+eis+ shi+ ever again +hovgh. even if i'm +echnically "royal+y" or wha+ever +he fvck. i+'s meaningless and i+'s evil and i ha+e i+ i really fvcking ha+e i+. and if i end vp somewhere where +HA+ happens i will do my bes+ +o des+roy i+
i've had +hovgh+s abov+ +aking over +his plane+ and doing +he s+ereo+ypical seadweller +hing and rvling i+ and i ha+e myself for +ha+ and i ha+e +ha+ i feel i wovld have, even very recen+ly