@traumaticTherapist — #sad
The others don't really like to be by themselves with me. I feel a sense of pity they have now. I do regret making a displeased face when Dave said that I'm awful at hugs. I left the room swiftly and now, I don't think they appreciated that. They don't often touch me now as one of their friends.
Sometimes I let go of myself in the moment of group conversation. What if I was John? the way he smiles and laughs from his chest looks nice to experience, a genuine joy. What if I was Jade? Proud to show her grin? Unafraid of herself. I could be Dave, carrying a sense of noble hope and faith towards others. Sometimes, I get happy when I'm not in my life. Even for a few minutes. Sometimes, I wish I could leave myself at the table when it's time to leave the room.
The last time I spent a moment with other people. Jade, John, Dave and a few more. I didn't say a word. I stared outwards towards the black sky. My eyes wandered, I'm quiet to not interrupt anybody. I don't feel worthy to comment on anything, the most I did was save Jade's jacket from falling off the bench. It was clumsy and awkward. Jade just laughed and told me it's okay. There was no thank you. Maybe next time, I'll try and be more extroverted. Next time.