i kind of wish i could abuse my power and go back and change how shit went dirk offered to once after a real bad day he was like it cant be that hard for the both of us to take him down and he replace him and little dave wouldnt be none the wiser but i think i wouldve, like baby me wouldve questioned it cause it was so ingrained in me to walk on eggshells but at the same time its not like the idea hasnt tempted me i mean shit i have like two good memories with him one was when i came out to him as trans and he just silently walked off before tossing me some of his shirts probably from like high school or some shit so part of me is like i dont know conflicted at the idea of having a more active hand in his death than just game fuckery i dont know its complicated as shit and im just rattling off nonsense right now because its late and everyones gone to bed and damn if that aint when the thoughts start crawling around in my synthetic cranium but yeah i guess tldr is i just wish bro had been like he was in that moment all the time and i feel pathetic for still wanting that approval shit it ended in him going harder on me in training maybe im just remembering it through rose colored specs maybe he just indulged because he thought me being a man would make me stronger its all bullshit ugh