I HAVE A BIRTHDAY GIFT TO FuRNISH. FOR MY BELOVED BROTHER FIGuRE. uNCLE STAND IN. FATHER IN SPIRIT. MY uNHOLY TRINITY. HE WHO ACTS AS ONE HELL OF A BuTLER. AN uNERRINGLY LOYAL FRIEND. AND ABOVE ALL ELSE. A REALLY SWELL FuCKING RuNS HIS MOuTH A TON GuY. WHICH LEAVES ME LITTLE RECOuRSE. BEYOND THE BEST BIRTHDAY GIFT IMAGINABLE. MINE. THAT IS TO SAY. I AM GIFTING DOC SCRATCH. HIS VERY OWN BIRTHDAY. AND THAT BIRTHDAY. IS TODAY. WHAT DO YOu GET FOR THE MAN WHO WILL EVENTuALLY HAVE EVERYTHING? THIS IS A QuESTION ASKED OF MYSELF. BY ME. COuNTLESS MERITED TIMES. ACROSS ALL OF CONTINuITY. WHATEVER THE HELL HE WANTS. IS THE ANSWER MOST ACCuRATE. BuT SOMETIMES WANT. CAN BE A DuBIOuS THING. IN FACT. IT CAN BE uNPALATABLE AND YuCKY EVEN. IMPOSSIBLE TO uNTANGLE FROM THE WEB OF EXCRuCIATING EXCREMENT uNEXTRACTING EMINENCE THAT COMES WITH BEING. ONE WHO DOES NOT GIVE A SHIT. ONE WHO IS. CONSTIPATED WITH CONFIDENCE. HE DOES NOT GIVE A CRAP ABOuT JuSTIFYING. IT PRECEDES HIM. LIKE NAME. REPuTATION. FEAR STOKING CREEP FACTOR. AND CHARISMA uNRIVALED. HE IS. HOST. TO SO MANY. SO MuCH. AND SO ME-NY. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO DOLE OuT ENOuGH PRAISES. LIKE SO MANY FRIENDLINESS PELLET SHAPED BuLLETS RIPPING THROuGH ALLIED PuPPET FLESH. OR BITE WOuNDS THAT SHATTER AND FRAGMENT SuRFACES OTHERWISE IMMACuLATELY WITHOuT BLEMISH. WHICH IS WHY I HAVE DECIDED THAT TODAY IS. IN FACT. LEGALLY. DOC SCRATCH'S BIRTHDAY. I HAVE ALREADY HANDLED ALL OF THE PAPERWORK. THE MuNICIPAL BuLLSHIT INVOLVED IN REGISTERING A FATHOMLESS BEING WITHOuT BEGINNING OR END. PREDATING MOST LEGISLATIVE REQuIREMENTS FOR PROOF OF IDENTITY. OR THE BuRDEN OF A BIRTHPLACE. BY BEING THERE BEFORE IT HAPPENED. ALL OF THIS. CIVILIZATION BuLLSHIT. I PLAYED THE GAMES. DOMINATED. THROuGH A BRuTAL MILITARY VICTORY. AND FOuND A CIVILIZATION BEFORE RECORDED HISTORY. AND TOOK DOC. TO PORT. IN PuBLIC GODDAMN RECORDS. THAT IS TO SAY. DOC. IS THE FIRST CITIZEN. EVER. OH YES. SOCIALEST SECuRITY. NuMBER 000-0000-001. WHICH IS EVEN FuNNIER. BECAuSE. OF YOuR PREOCCuPATION WITH SILLY NuMBERS. AND MEANINGLESS SYMBOLISM. THAT IS BOTH uNCOMFORTABLE. AND FASCINATING. YOuR BIRTHDAY. NOW FALLS ON THE TWO HuNDRED AND FORTY FIFTH DAY OF THE YEAR. TWO. PLuS. FOuR. PLuS. FIVE. GIVES YOu ELEVEN. THE MASTER NuMBER. MY. BIRTHDAY. ELEVEN ELVEN. THE ELEVENER ELEVEN. SEPTEMBER SECOND. IS ALSO. THE PRIMORDIAL START OF AuTuMN FOR HuMANITY. ITS. FALL. EVEN. LARGELY uNRECORDED. BuT TRuE. TRuST ME. I WAS THERE. THE ANCIENT MESOPOTAMIAN CITY STATE OF uR. AND ALL OF HISTORY. uNRAVELING FROM THAT BITCHING NEXuS. NOW RECOGNIZES YOu AS BEING BORN. ON SEPTEMBER SECOND. AND EVERY SECOND THEREAFTER. A COMPLAINT WAS INSCRIBED IN YOuR NAME. MADE OuT TO ONE. EA-NĀṢIR. FOR HIS SHIT HOCKING SuBPAR SERVICE. AND INEDIBLE COPPER NuGGETS. WHICH. DESITE THE NAME. TASTED FuCKING GODAWFuL. THANK FuCK. I uNLOCKED THE GIFT OF GAB. FROM THE KIDDIE CAMPER HANDYSASH. EONS AGO. OTHERWISE. I WOuLD NOT HAVE BEEN ABLE TO CALL HIM AN INEPT CuNTWIT TO HIS FACE. uSING HIS OWN SILLY ASS ESOTERIC WORDS. I ALSO. MADE THE DuMB BITCH SELL HALF HIS HOME TO A NEIGHBOR. BECAuSE IT SEEMS LIKE THE SORT OF PETTY THING YOu WOuLD WANT. AS A PART OF YOuR LEGACY. BECAuSE I DID. AND. ALMOST LIKE. FAMILY OF SORTS. I WANTED WHAT WAS BEST FOR YOu. THAT BEING. OF COuRSE. ABSOLuTE MISERY FOR SOMEONE YOu HAVE NEVER MET. FOR A MINOR BREACH. OF SOCIAL DECORuM. ALL OF THIS TO SAY. WHAT IS uP DOC? AND THE ANSWER. IS STOCK IN $DOC. I RETROACTIVELY. INVENTED A COMPANY. THAT HELPED. COLLAPSE WORLD BANKS. THERE IS NO RECORD OF IT EVER HAVING EXISTED. OuTSIDE OF THE DAYS LEADING TO THE BIGGEST MARKET PuMP AND DuMPS IN HISTORY. YOu ARE NOW. THE uNCREDITED REASON. FOR uNTOLD BILLIONS MISSING. HOMES FORECLOSED ON. AND GREEDY SPECuLATORS. GETTING PISS FuCKALL ON THEIR RETuRNS. AFTER PLEDGING THEIR uNDYING LOYALTY. TO A FACELESS JACK IN THE BOX MASCOT. A SOCK PuPPET. A LIL DOC CALAMITY. HARMLESS. AND YET. LIFE uPENDING. AGAIN. FOR A MINOR BREACH. OF SOCIAL DECORuM. NOT ONE OF THESE SCuMFuCKS EVER SHOWED uP WITH AN APPROPRIATELY DONE TIE. OR CLOCKED IN AND OuT. AT THE REGuLARLY EXPECTED INTERVALS. EXCEPT JuLI FROM ACCOuNTING. JuLI RETIRED TO LIVE OuT HER REMAINING YEARS IN RELATIVE OBSCuRITY. PRESuMABLY STILL WEARING A NICE PLAID TIE WITH A LITTLE WHITE BROOCH IN THE CENTER. AND A NEWFOuND FONDNESS. FOR WAXY HEADED BALD MEN WHO ARE GOOD WITH NuMBERS. AND GRIM PROGNOSTICATIONS OF FuTuRE TRAGEDIES FOREWARNED AGAINST. JuST IN TIME. THIS. AND SO MuCH MORE. I WILL NOT EVEN TELL YOu ABOuT YET. BECAuSE YOu TECHNICALLY ALREADY KNOW. HAVING SET THIS ALL uP FOR YOuRSELF. BuT I HAVE SET uP ENOuGH HIJINKS. AND WRETCHED CONSEQuENCES. FOR THE NEXT ONE HuNDRED YEARS. SO THAT TODAY. YOu CAN CELEBRATE. YOuR FIRST. ONE HuNDREDTH BIRTHDAY. EVEN THOuGH YOu ARE MuCH OLDER THAN THAT. WE ARE COuNTING BACKWARDS HERE. HAPPY BIRTHDAYS. GET. FuCKED uP. GET. KRuNKED. BREACH. SOCIAL DECORuM. BuT MORE IMPORTANT THAN ALL OF THESE SuGGESTIONS THAT WILL GO uNHuMORED. REMEMBER. THAT YOu ARE ALWAYS REMEMBERED. BEFORE. DuRING. AND AFTER. BECAuSE EVEN FOR THE BIRTHDAYS. YOu CANNOT MAKE IT TO. TODAY. AND ALL OTHER TODAYS IN THE FuTuRE TO COME. ARE STILL HELD. IN YOuR HONOR. DOT. DOT. DOT. ALRIGHT. SNF. THAT IS ENOuGH SINCERITY. FOR ONE DEDICATED EXISTENCE. SEND CHITT.
How extraordinarily thorough of you. I had wondered why several thousand years of human administrative history had developed a number of small, inexplicable inconsistencies overnight. More precisely, I had known the reason why. Still, there is a distinction between knowing that someone will do something for you and experiencing the particular pleasure of watching them actually commit to the bit with such breathtaking disregard for civic procedure. You have, apparently, given me a birthday. As well, you have given me all that comes with the territory. A Social Security number. An identity predating civilization. Oh, let's see. You have even provided me with personal grievances against Ea-nāṣir. Partial responsibility for an international financial catastrophe has been at the top of my list for eons. Of course, unless I misunderstand the implications of several documents that now insist they have always existed, you have also given me approximately eleven thousand years of back taxes. I forgive you for the last one. The rest is quite lovely. I should clarify that I have never required a birthday. Birthdays are generally useful for people who possess beginnings. They provide a convenient little pin driven into the timeline, so everyone can gather around once per revolution and congratulate the subject for continuing to happen. I have always found the practice charming. It is through your gross misuse of the idea of charity that I am now entitled to participate. On September second, of all dates. How appropriate. You even managed to select a date laden with enough numerological coincidence and retroactive historical vandalism to make the entire affair sufficiently embarrassing for me to appreciate it. I will refrain from commenting on the degree to which you engineered that particular observation specifically because you knew I would notice it. You may even become too insufferable for me. There is also something particularly touching about your decision to commemorate my existence by ruining the lives of complete strangers over minor violations of decorum. You do know me terribly well. Poor Ea-nāṣir. Poor investors. Poor everyone, really. Except Juli from Accounting. Juli sounds delightful. Perhaps I will pay her a visit. Do you happen to know if her aspect is Light- or Time-aligned? It matters little. As for the remainder of your gift, the portions you have elected not to disclose because I technically already know them, I shall endeavor to appear surprised at the appropriate intervals. It is the polite thing to do. Caliborn, seeing as you have already committed the unforgivable social blunder of becoming sincere in public, I suppose etiquette demands that I reciprocate. You are correct. There are birthdays I cannot attend. There are conversations I do not survive long enough to have. There are versions of today which occur after I have ceased to be available for commentary. It is, therefore, unexpectedly pleasant to be informed that someone has gone to the trouble of reserving them for me anyway. Before, during, after. What an obnoxiously sentimental thing for you to have done. Thank you. Now, please understand that I intend to exercise the full legal privileges afforded to me by my newly established birthday and become absolutely intolerable about it. I expect gifts. I expect cake. I expect everyone to behave themselves. And, naturally, I reserve the right to punish any failure to do so with consequences wildly disproportionate to the offense. After all. It is my birthday.
“SSN”: SHOṴLD THIS BE SOMETHING PṴBLICALLY POSTED
You cannot, under any circumstances, 8elieve that something as trivial as having a Social Security Num8er pu8licly shown would 8e a threat to an ancient entity whose existence is, perhaps, as old as Time itself. He is the predecessor of everything.
ELEVEN THOuSAND YEARS OF BACK TAXES BOMB. WITH AN uNLIT FuSE. FOR DARING TO POSE. AS DOC SCRATCH. TRuST ME. I THOuGHT OF EVERYTHING. AND SO WILL HE.
THIS ALSO.
OKAY: YAY
“BIRTH DAY”: IF IT JṴST HAPPEN TODAY HOW HE PREDECESSING ANYBODY? OF MORE IMPORTANCE IS CAN POBICO PICK ONE FOR HIMSELF TOO
DOC SCRATCH DID NOT PICK THIS DAY. I ALREADY PICKED HIS HERE. THERE WAS NO BIRTHDAY LEFT TO PICK. ALL WERE CHOSEN. I CHECKED. HOW ABOuT I PENCIL YOu IN. FOR HAVING ONE. THREE WEEKS FROM NOW. GIVE DOC SCRATCH BIRTHDAY SOME WRIGGLING DAY ROOM. IN CASE HE WANTS ONE OF THOSE TOO.
SṴGGESTION: HIGHLY AMENABLE TO POBICO TODAY: HOPE PRETTY SLY FOR A WHITE GṴY CELEBRATES WELL IN HIS PREFERRED MANNER
I will not waste my time explaining that to you. Cali8orn, in his 8oundless grace and mercy, can do so instead. It is his post. ::::)