KARKAT VANTAS

2 weeks ago

Verified

A user of established repute

@carbolicGalvanologist[CG]

@STARPOWER @GUTSYGUMSHOE [CLOSE-UP. HANDHELD ANGLE, LIKELY ON A PALMHUSK. DARK ROOM. AUSTERE LACK OF EMBELLISHMENT. FLICKERING, EMERGENCY-LIGHT RED ILLUMINATES HIS FACE.] ATTENTION, WORTHLESS SHOWRUNNER. THIS IS KARKAT VANTAS SPEAKING. FIRST OF ALL, FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU FOR FORCING ME TO GLAZE MYSELF IN NOT ONLY A PRIVATE, ONE-TO-ONE MEDIUM, BUT IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE CHITTR BODY AT LARGE AS A PREREQUISITE TO BEING ON THIS ALREADY INSIPID BARKBEAST SHOW OF A PROGRAM. I'M GOING TO ENSURE THAT MY AUDITION IS NOTHING SHORT OF PAN-STRIPPINGLY, BULB-FRYINGLY LONG BEYOND ALL POSSIBILITY OF TRUNCATION IN ORDER TO ENSURE THAT AS FEW PEOPLE OUTSIDE OF THE SHOWRUNNER STAFF BOTHER TO GIVE IT A PASSING GLANCE AS ONE GIGANTIC, FLAMING MIDDLE FINGER TO YOU AND THIS FUCKED UP TEMPLE TO DEVILRY YOU'VE ERECTED IN THE TOWN SQUARE OF THIS FUCK-AWFUL ONLINE PLATFORM. FUCK YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU STAND FOR. FUCK YOU AND YOUR COIFFED TRESSES AND YOUR GLINTING TEETH AND YOUR SPRAY-GRAYED, CHEMICAL-BASTED, OVER-INSURED EXPRESSION PLATE, CHRYSS MCLEAN. UGH. TO ANSWER YOUR FIRST QUESTION AND ALL OTHERS, I'M GOING TO CANNIBALIZE THINGS THAT *OTHER* TROLLS HAVE SAID ABOUT ME INTO A GROTESQUE HODGE-PODGE OF A SELF-DESCRIPTION THAT PUTS ME AT LEAST *ONE* LAYER OF REMOVAL AWAY FROM BLOWING A THUNDERCLOUD OF RIP-ROARING SMOKE UP MY CHUTE. BEING FUNNY ISN'T A SPECIAL TALENT. NEITHER IS BEING SMARTER THAN THE MAJORITY OF THE DROOLING, SPONGE-ROTTED CHITTRLINGS WHO ARE LIKELY ALREADY ENTERING THIS TELEVISED CULLSPORT. THE FACT THAT I'M CAPABLE OF POSTING THE OCCASIONAL ORIGINAL IMAGE OR PHOTO IS A STEP ABOVE IN MY OPINION, BUT WHO GIVES A FUCK ABOUT THAT, REALLY. EVEN MY STORIED HISTORY AS A RADICAL LEADER WHO CAN RALLY A YOWLING HORDE OF BELLIGERENT, SHITHIVE MISENTHROPES AND GET THEM TO WORK AS A COHESIVE TEAM IS CHUMP FUCKING CHANGE AROUND THESE PARTS. AND IN THE END, IN THIS POLITICAL CLIMATE, HEMOANONYMITY IS A CAEGAR A CENTILLION. I DO NOT HAVE A QUALITY THAT IS GOING TO "DAZZLE" YOU. BUT I CAN LIFT UP YOUR OTHER CHUTE-KISSING GLAMOUR DIVAS BY COMPARISON. I EXCEL IN ONE THING: BEEFING IT. MY LUCK AND ITS TIMELINE-UBIQUITOUS ABSENCE IS NOTHING SHORT OF *LEGENDARY.* I TAKE *ONE* STEP OUTSIDE MY HIVE AND SOMEHOW WAKE UP ON A BEACH WITH A MOUTHFUL OF BLOOD, SAND, AND GLENFIDDICH. I GO ON *ONE* FISHING TRIP AND I'M IN THE DIGESTION SAC OF A WHALE FOR FIVE AND A HALF DAYS AND WASH UP ON THE SHORE OF EARTH-CJUANA. I STAY AT *ONE* CUPE AND CONSUMABLES, AND THE NEXT MORNING, I'M SIX BOTTLES OF TROLLQUILA DEEP AND THERE'S A LOADED GUN IN MY SYLLADEX BEING POINTED AT A CARAPICIAN CARTEL LEADER WHO'S TRYING TO TAKE MY TYPESTUBS OFF WITH THE BIGGEST KNIFE I'VE EVER SEEN. AND TO BE CLEAR. THEY. WILL NOT. GROW BACK. IN OTHER WORDS — I FUCKING SUCK. BUT I SUCK IN A WAY THAT WILL MAKE EVERY SINGLE OTHER NOOK-CHAFING, FUCKMAGGOT-RIDDLED SYCOPHANT ON YOUR SHOW LOOK LIKE A ROCK STAR. AND *IF* I SOMEHOW MANAGE TO PRATFALL MY RIDICULOUS, BLEEDING STRUTPODS ALL THE WAY TO THE FINISH LINE BY TOTAL COINCIDENCE, IT'S PROBABLY GOING TO TURN YOUR AUDIENCE INTO A MUSHROOM CLOUD. ALL PUBLICITY IS GOOD PUBLICITY. OR WHATEVER THE FUCK IT IS YOU BELIEVE. LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY. REMEMBER GLENNH FROM "A CATACLYSMIC PLAGUE CAUSES DAYWALKING, SHAMBLING HORDES OF GNAWING UNDEAD TO SPREAD ACROSS THE NATION WHILE A RAGTAG TEAM OF MORALLY GRAY SURVIVORS LED BY A WELL-INTENTIONED LAW ENFORCERADICATOR AND A GRIMY, YET SEXY COUNTRY BOY WITH A CROSSBOW EKE OUT A LIVING IN THE RUINS OF THE FALLEN WORLD, AND ALSO THE DEAD ARE, IN FACT, WALKING?" THAT'S ME. I'M HIM. BUT I'M FUNNIER. AS FOR SOME KIND OF PATHOS STATEMENT ABOUT WHY YOU SHOULD PICK ME OUT OF THE NO-DOUBT FUCKTILLION OTHER CONTESTANT AUDITIONS YOU'VE HAD STUFFED INTO YOUR MAIL CANISTER, I PROBABLY DON'T HAVE A BETTER REASON FOR THAT, EITHER. THERE'S PROBABLY A TROLL ENTERING THIS COMPETITION WHO IS A GENUINE PUMP-WRENCHING TRAGEDY WITH AN INTERNET CONNECTION AND A DREAM, WHOSE WEARY TALE OF WOE WOULD MOVE EVEN MY DESSICATED PITY DUCTS TO TEARS. THERE ARE A MILLION BETTER REASONS I COULD THINK TO OFFER SOME OTHER OBSEQUIOUS, WHIMPERING WORM ON THE PLATFORM A SHOT AT THE SACCHARINE, COMMERCIALIZED PREMIUM PACKAGE OF DIVINE BENEDICTION™, NOW ON SALE AT CROCKERCORP. PEOPLE WHO NEED POWER. OR PEOPLE WHO ALREADY HAVE POWER, AND WANT MORE. PEOPLE WHO WOULD USE THAT POWER FOR GOOD. OR FOR BAD. WHICH IS SOMETHING I WOULD TRY MY DAMNDEST TO HINDER, AS LONG AS I'VE GOT THE GLOBES FOR IT. BUT WHO THE FUCK AM I KIDDING? I KNOW FULLY WELL THAT IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS, I AM A CATEGORICALLY POWERLESS PERSON. PEOPLE LIKE ME, BY OUR VERY DEFINITION, TEND *NOT* TO BE THE ONES HOLDING POWER. WE'RE THE ONES WHO DISDAIN THE GAME AND REFUSE TO PLAY, AND IN DOING SO ULTIMATELY LOSE BY FORFEIT. AND IN THE END, THAT HELPS A LOUD, RESOUNDING, ABSOLUTELY FUCKING *NO ONE.* JANE IS THE CEO OF CROCKERCORP. FEFERI IS THE FUCKING EMPRESS, NOW. MORE THAN HALF OF ALL THE FLYING ASSHOLES I REGULARLY CHIT WITH ARE GODLY, IMMORTAL, LIMP-FRONDED STOOGES WHO HAVE ALREADY BUMBLED THEIR SORRY CHUTES INTO *ULTIMATE POWER.* ALL OF THE MOVERS AND SHAKERS ON THE CHESSBOARD ALREADY HAVE WHAT THEY NEED TO PLAY. BUT DESPITE BEING ONE OF THE "CREATORS," AS WE'VE SO HUMBLY TAKEN TO EVIDENTLY CALLING OURSELVES, I DON'T. I'M JUST A REGULAR, RUN-OF-THE-PULPMILL ASSHOLE. I'M NOT A PLAYER ON THE BOARD. BUT AFTER ALL THESE SWEEPS, I'M WILLING TO BE. SO I'VE DECIDED, "FUCK IT." I'M WILLING TO PLAY YOUR GAME. I'M WILLING TO PLAY BY YOUR ASININE, SCHOOLHIVE, TAINT-CHAFING, DICKWORM-RUMPUS RULES IN FRONT OF A AN AUDIENCE POPULATED BY THE WHOLE CONCEIVABLE MULTIVERSE OF PARADOX SPACE FOR THE CHANCE TO ROLL THE DICE AND SEE IF THIS TIME, THIS *FUCKING* TIME, IT'S THE LITTLE GUY WHO ENDS UP WITH THE POWER TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT. I'M WILLING TO COMMIT SO MUCH THAT IF IT MEANS THE RIGHT PERSON MIGHT WIN? I'M WILLING TO LOSE. AND MAYBE IN DOING SO, SOMEHOW ANOTHER BLITHERING IDIOT MIGHT LIFT ME UP, ANYWAY. IF I WIN, I'M DOING THIS FOR EVERYONE WHO DIDN'T MAKE IT. BIG AND SMALL. IF I WIN, I'M FINISHING WHAT MY SANCTIMONIOUS BULLSHIT BLOODLINE STARTED. IF I WIN, WE ALL WIN. BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT A *LEADER* IS FOR. AND SO, ONCE MORE, WITH FEELING. FUCK YOU. HTTPS://CDN.IMGCHEST.COM/FILES/34FDBD94636E.GIF #TOTALDRAMAISLAND