ATTENTION @TERMINALLYCAPRICIOUS#2753. THIS IS, APPARENTLY, YOUR HANDLER SPEAKING. LOOK, TIMELINES ARE COMPLICATED AND SO IS MOIRAILLEGIANCE, BUT YOU WORK WITH WHAT YOU HAVE, NOT WHAT YOU WISHED FOR. SO HERE IT IS. HERE IS YOUR TACTICAL RESPONSE. I GET IT. YOU ARE UPSET. YOU CONTAIN WITHIN YOU THE UNBRIDLED BURNING FUCKAGEDDON-IGNITING HEAT OF A THOUSAND GREEN SUNS. IT IS THE HEAT OF A FULL-BLOWN REACTOR MELTDOWN, AND IT FEELS LIKE NO QUANTITY OF CONCRETE AND BORON, NO MATTER HOW CYCLOPEAN THE SIZE OF THE FAT FUCKING DUMPSCUTTLETRUCK THAT BACKS IT UP, COULD POSSIBLY QUENCH THE FALLOUT OF THIS *THERMONUCLEAR* CRASH-OUT YOU ARE HAVING. AND BY THE METRIC OF YOUR OWN SICK, TWISTED, LOOP-DE-LOOP HOPBEAST CARNIVAL LOGIC HAPPENING INSIDE YOUR SLUDGY THINKPAN RIGHT NOW, YOU ARE JUSTIFIED. THAT ASSHOLE'S HORNS STOLE HER GANDERBULBS AWAY FROM YOU FOR FIVE SWEET, PRECIOUS SECONDS, AND IF YOU CAN'T HAVE THEM, THEN YOU'LL SCOOP THEM OUT WITH A SERRATED LARGE ROUND BUNCHFRUIT SPOON AND SPREAD THEM ON TOAST. BUT, TO QUOTE THE INSIPID VERNACULAR OF A BESPECTACLED DIPSHIT RAP GOD I AM SO BALEFULLY ACQUAINTED WITH, YOU ARE CURRENTLY, AS THEY SAY, "SCARING THE HOES." SO IT IS WITH THE REQUISITE CLEARANCE CODES AND THE EN ROUTE BALLISTIC MISSILE OF MY CATASTROPHIC FULL-BORE PALE POWER THAT I SAY TO YOU NOW. LET'S JUST COOL IT FOR NOW, MAN. WE CAN WATCH TROLL AIR BUD, IF YOU WANT. I WILL WATCH *UP TO FIVE* OF THE TROLL AIR BUD MOVIES WITH YOU. SIGH. -- CARBOLICGALVANOLOGIST SENT YOU A PAP. --
OH COME THE FUCK OFF IT, DUDE! YOU'RE GIVING HIM A PAP?! OVER GOD DAMN CHITTR?! YOU WEREN'T EVEN HERE FOR HIM WHEN HE NEEDED IT! LOOK AT YOU, BARELY ENGAGING WITH HIM ON THE LEVEL OF AN ACTUAL PERSON! YOU ARE *NOT* HIS MOIRAIL, NOT ANYMORE, CLEARLY. BACK. OFF. I'M THE ONE WHO'S BEEN HANGING OUT WITH HIM!
BY *ALL* MEANS, TAKE THE WHEEL HERE, FUCKLORD. I HAVE ENOUGH STEAMING BULLSHIT ON MY PLATE WITHOUT BEING PRESS-GANGED INTO EXTRAQUADRANTIAL BOMB SQUAD DUTY. TAG, YOU'RE IT. ASSHOLE.
FUCK YOU! I WAS GOING TO DO IT EVEN IF YOU HADN'T SAID ANYTHING! GOD, YOU'RE SO FUCKING SMARMY ALL THE TIME- I AM GOING TO DEDICATE MY ENTIRE LIFE TO NOT BECOMING YOU. ADD ANOTHER FUTURE KARKAT FAILURE I'M SPENDING ALL OF MY ENERGY INTO NOT BEING!
this is a 8ig deal man karkat's offering UP TO FIVE AIR 8UDS !! !!
OH, YOU HAD FUCKING *BETTER,* YOU GARRULOUS LITTLE TERMITE. I HOPE YOU COURSE-CORRECT IN SUCH A FUCK-OFF DIVERGENT LIFE PATH THAT YOUR SIZZLING, PITCH-BLACK PETTINESS EATS A HOLE THROUGH PARADOX SPACE AND *LITERALLY* UNMAKES ME. I HOPE THIS ASCERBIC TIRADE SPURNS YOU TO SUCH PAN VESSEL-BURSTING FURY THAT EVERY TRACE OF MY EXISTENCE BURSTS INTO FUCKING FLAMES. YOU WOULD BE DOING ME, YOURSELF, AND THE ENTIRE FUCKING KARKATVERSE A SORELY NEEDED FAVOR. IN FACT, FUCK YOU. I'M GOING TO DEDICATE *MY* ENTIRE LIFE TO MOTIVATING YOU TO PUT YOUR CAEGARS WHERE YOUR YAP CAVERN IS AND PUT ME OUT OF MY FUCKING MISERY. I'D RATHER GO OUT BY MY OWN HAND THAN AT THE PRONGS ANY OTHER DIPSHIT WITH A BONE TO PICK WITH ME OR ANY OTHER PERMUTATION OF ME. YOU JUST EARNED YOURSELF AN EXISTENTIAL CAGE MATCH, BITCH. YOU'VE GOT YOURSELF A PLATONIC, CAUSAL-CIRCULAR, SELF-LOATHING NEMESIS.
GOD, HAVE YOU COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN HOW TO BE PUNCHY? WE USED TO BE SO GOOD AT THE ONE-TWO HOWDY-FUCK YOU AND YET HERE YOU ARE! TYPING UP ENTIRE PARAGRAPHS TO TRY AND SHOW ME JUST WHO'S BOSS? YOU'RE A FUCKING JOKE. BUT DON'T WORRY, YOU'RE ON, YOU DENSE, GERIATRIC SON OF A BITCH! LET THIS BE THE BEGINNING OF A HATE WAR SO FUCKING INTENSE IT BLOWS CHITTR TO FUCKING PIECES AND GIVE US THE REPRIEVE OF NEVER HAVING TO SEE EACH OTHER'S UGLY MUGS EVER AGAIN!
AT LEAST I DON'T SPAM SHOUTPOLES LIKE I'M A WIGGLER LAUGHING AT MY OWN JOKES. FUCKASS. GAME ON.
HOW ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO CONVEY HOW IRATE I AM?! GAME ON!