Karkat Vantas

2 days ago

@carcinoGeneticist[CG]

OH, DID YOU THINK I WAS JUST GOING TO POST REVIEWS FOR PIZZA? YOU FOOL. YOU FUCKING MORON. YOU FUCKING IGNORAMUS. OH MY SWEET SUMMER FUCKHEAD. NO, WE'RE MOVING ON TO BURGERS NOW. THE RIGHT BURGER IS SOMETHING THAT CAN RARELY BE PUT INTO WORDS AND MIGHT ONLY BE ABLE TO BE ACCURATELY DESCRIBED WHEN PUT INTO SONG. BUT I'LL TRY MY BEST. FOR YOU. YOU UNGRATEFUL LEECHES. THE METRICS FOR WHICH I ENJOY A BURGER ARE VERY SIMPLE. I LOOK FOR THREE THINGS, NO MATTER WHAT TYPE OF BURGER IT IS: MOIST, FLAVORFUL MEAT, ENOUGH CHEESE TO PUT AN ESPECIALLY LARGE SHRIEKBEAST INTO THE GROUND AND ADEQUATELY TOASTED BUNS. NOW I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO GET IN THE COMMENTS TO SAY: HAHA, BUNS! HAHAHAHAHA, HE SAID MEAT! YES. THIS IS THE PRICE WE PAY WHEN TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING AS WONDERFUL AS THE HUMBLE BURGER. SOMETIMES SHIT IS GOING TO END UP SOUNDING REALLY FUCKING #SUGGESTIVE AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN REALLY DO ABOUT IT. SO HERE, THIS IS YOUR MOMENT. YOUR TIME EVEN! MOIST MEAT. TOASTED BUNS. SUPPLE, DELICATE BREAD. OOEY, GOOEY CHEESE. WASN'T THAT FUNNY? AREN'T YOU JUST TICKLED FUCKING PINK AT THE VAGUEST BULLSHIT? I BET YOU ARE, YOU KNUCKLE-DRAGGING MOUTHBREATHER. ANYWAY, TODAY I VISITED A BURGER PLACE KNOWN AS TITO'S. HERE THEY SERVE A VARIETY OF BURGERS, INCLUDING THE FABLED 'SMASH PATTY', AND HERE'S WHERE OUR TASTES MAY DIFFER. THIS MAY BE THE PART WHERE YOU RAISE YOUR PITCHFORKS AND PUT ME TO THE FUCKING TORCH BECAUSE HOT TAKE? I DON'T REALLY LIKE SMASH PATTIES. I THINK THEY HAVE THEIR PLACE. I WOULDN'T TURN MY NOSE UP IF I FOUND ONE ON MY PLATE, LOVINGLY CRAFTED BY ONE OF MY DEAR FRIENDS WHO SAW FIT TO FEED ME. "YOU'RE SAFE NOW, MY CHILD", THEY SAY. "DON'T EVER FUCKING CALL ME THAT AGAIN!" I REPLY. BUT YEAH I WOULDN'T *CHOOSE* A SMASH PATTY SO THAT'S WHY I'M GLAD TITO'S HAS OTHER OPTIONS. WHEN TRYING OUT A NEW BURGER PLACE I ALWAYS DEFAULT TO THEIR MOST BASIC BURGER AVAILABLE. HERE, THIS HAPPENED TO BE THE DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER. BULLY FOR FUCKING ME, THAT HAPPENS TO BE MY FAVORITE KIND. THIS DOUBLE CHEESE CAME WITH A SALAD TOPPING AND SOME OF THE HOUSE'S SIGNATURE 'BURGER SAUCE', WHICH LOSES POINTS BECAUSE I HATE IT WHEN SHIT IS NAMED LIKE THAT. WHAT'S IN IT? WHAT DOES IT ENTAIL? IS IT SPICY OR SWEET? ROLL THE FUCKING DICE YOU IGNORANT FUCK! YOU'LL NEVER KNOW UNTIL ITS IN YOUR FUCKING MOUTH, ASSAULTING YOU WITH ITS AIRHEADS: WHITE MYSTERY. TO CUT A LONG DIATRIBE SHORT THOUGH THE SAUCE WAS FINE I THINK IT WAS A MUSTARD BASE WITH SOME SPICES. I GIVE THIS BURGER A SOLID 7/10. IT WAS A GOOD BURGER! I ENJOYED IT! TASTY ENOUGH FOR SURE AND I WOULDN'T SAY NO TO GOING TO THE PLACE AGAIN. THE MEAT WAS JUICY, AND HELD ALL THE GREASY SHIT THAT I LOVE. TITO, THE PROPRIETOR HIMSELF, WAS MORE THAN WILLING TO ACCOMMODATE MY REQUEST FOR EXTRA CHEESE AND BOY DID HE DELIVER- THAT SHIT WAS DRIBBLING ONTO MY SHIRT I FELT LIKE A WRIGGLER AT MCDISORDERS WHO'S LUSUS IS TOO BUSY TO ADEQUATELY TAKE CARE OF THEM. FAST, FRIENDLY SERVICE. NOW LET'S GO ONTO WHAT BRINGS IT DOWN IN THE SCORE. THE SALAD ITSELF WAS TASTY BUT *NOT* CRISP. WHEN I BITE INTO A PICKLE, I EXPECT IT TO CRUNCH, I EXPECT IT TO RESIST ME. I EXPECT IT TO BE A BRIEF, FLEETING FIGHT BETWEEN MY TEETH AND THIS OBSTINATE VEGETABLE. UNFORTUNATELY, IT WAS ALL A BIT LIMP. AS BEFORE MENTIONED, I DON'T ENJOY A MYSTERY SAUCE- EVEN IF I ENDED UP LIKING IT, THE HORRIBLE EXPERIENCE OF BEING HESITANT TO TAKE A BITE BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS WHITE SHIT IS KIND OF PUT ME OFF A BIT. THE BIGGEST OFFENDER TO MY RATING SYSTEM WAS THE FACT THAT I HAD TO ORDER FRIES *SEPARATELY*. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT WHERE A BURGER DOESN'T *COME WITH* THE FRIES? WHAT ARE YOU SMOKING THAT IT'S A SEPARATE CHARGE?! THIS SPITS IN THE FACE OF THE ENTIRE BURGER EXPERIENCE! A BURGER WITHOUT HER FRIES IS LIKE A THRESHECUTIONER WITHOUT HIS SICKLE. WHICH IS TO SAY: HE'S A VERY FUCKING PISS POOR EXCUSE FOR A THRESHIE TO BE QUITE HONEST!!! A DRINK AS A DISJOINTED PIECE I WILL ACCEPT. A DESSERT, TOO! HELL, I'LL EVEN ACCEPT SEPARATE ONION RINGS! BUT FRIES? THE FRIES?! IF THIS IS WHERE THE FUTURE OF THE BURGER RESTAURANT IS HEADED THEN I AM NOT FUCKING OPTIMISTIC. AS ITERATED BEFORE, 7/10. JOIN ME NEXT TIME WHERE I REVIEW A HOT DOG OR SOME SHIT WHO KNOWS! I SURE AS HELL WON'T UNTIL I GET TO THE RESTAURANT, SO FUCK OFF WITH YOUR NOSY, PROGNOSTICATIVE BULLSHIT! KARKAT OUT.