Karkat Vantas

3 weeks ago

@carcinoGeneticist[CG]

HELLO AGAIN. LET'S TALK. DID YOU KNOW THAT MOLTING MAKES YOU RAVENOUSLY FUCKING HUNGRY? IT'S TRUE- YOU SPEND A WEEK OR EVEN UP TO A WEEK AND A HALF COCOONED IN A SHELL OF YOUR OWN MAKING AND ITS PRETTY REASONABLE TO EXPECT YOU'D COME OUT OF IT STARVING. THAT ISN'T THE WHOLE STORY, THOUGH. SEE, WHEN MOLTING, YOUR BODY IS USING THE SUGARS AND PROTEINS FOUND WITHIN TO CONSTRUCT YOUR BODY ALL OVER AGAIN FROM ITS GENETIC BLUEPRINT, BUT THIS TIME IT'S BIGGER, YOUR CHITIN IS THICKER AND IN GENERAL YOU'RE JUST KIND OF MORE THAN YOU WERE BEFOREHAND. THIS HAPPENED TO ME. IF YOU'RE A TROLL, IT WILL HAPPEN TO YOU. (MOSTLY. SORRY, TAVROS.) ALL THIS TO SAY...I'VE BEEN TEARING THROUGH THE KITCHENS OF VARIOUS FAST FOOD PLACES LIKE A SCUTTLEBUGGY RACER ROARING DOWN THE TRACK AND SUBSEQUENTLY CAREENING HIS THICK-SKULLED ASS DIRECTLY INTO THE ONCOMING TREELINE. SURPRISE, BITCH. BET YOU THOUGHT YOU'D SEEN THE LAST OF ME. FOR TODAY'S REVIEW I MADE MY WAY ALLLL THE WAY ACROSS TO THE HUMAN KINGDOM TO TRY SOMETHING CALLED A 'CARVERY' ESTABLISHMENT. NOW, IT BAFFLES THE FUCKING MIND THAT ALTERNIA DIDN'T HAVE THESE. THIS ONLY BARELY COUNTS AS FAST FOOD, I FEEL, SO MAYBE I'M GIVING UP SOME OF MY STREET CRED AS THAT ONE KARKAT WHO EATS LIKE SHIT HERE BUT HEY WHO GIVES A FUCK. THIS PLACE WAS CALLED THE 'SQUIRREL AND OAK TREE', WHICH FOR MY ALTERNIAN READERS ROUGHLY TRANSLATES TO THE NUT CREATURE AND LONG SHAFT. HAH. THAT WAS A JOKE. MOSTLY. THE IDEA OF THE 'CARVERY' IS THAT YOU WALTZ IN, SIT DOWN AND DEMAND MEAT TO ORDER LIKE SOME KIND OF THIRD-IMPERIAL ERA KING. THERE ARE MANY AVAILABLE- BEEF, CHICKEN, PORK...WHY THE FUCK DID ALTERNIA NOT HAVE THIS? WE JUST HAD REGULAR FUCKING RESTAURANTS, NOT ESTABLISHMENTS ENTIRELY DEDICATED TO THE WORSHIP OF SLABS OF FUCKING FLESH. IT'S GODLIKE IN CONCEPT. BUT DOES THIS ONE ESTABLISHMENT LIVE UP TO THE HYPE? YES. YES THE FUCK IT DID. TODAY'S MEAL WAS KIND OF A BUFFET MISHMASH OF A BUNCH OF SHIT THAT I WANTED DESPERATELY TO SHOVE INTO MY GAPING, GREEDY MAW BECAUSE I FELT LIKE IF I DIDN'T EAT THAT SECOND I'D EXPIRE. HONESTLY? I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE WHAT I PUT ON THAT PLATE. I KNOW IT WAS BEEF BRISKET, SOME ROAST POTATOES AND A BUNCH OF VEGETABLES, BUT THE FINER DETAILS ARE LOST TO THE MEAT-FUELED HELL HAZE I ENTERED AFTER TAKING MY FIRST BITE. I THINK I SCARED THE SHIT OUT OF VRISKA, AND FOR THAT I'M TRULY FUCKING SORRY, BUT YOU ATE THAT FOOD TOO AND YOU KNOW HOW GOOD IT WAS SO MAYBE LEARN TO CUT ME SOME FUCKING SLACK? ANYWAY, I DEVOURED THAT SHIT IN LIKE 30 SECONDS FLAT. I THINK I LICKED THE PLATE CLEAN? IT WAS MONSTROUS, I'VE NEVER BEEN SO THOROUGHLY POSSESSED BY THE SPIRIT OF GREED LIKE THAT BEFORE I CAME AWAY FROM THE WHOLE ORDEAL A LITTLE BIT MORE FRIGHTENED OF MYSELF AND MY NEW CAPABILITIES. ...THAT WAS AFTER THREE MORE PLATES FULL, THOUGH. THANK GOD THAT I HAVE BASICALLY INFINITE MONEY FROM BEING CARTED THROUGH SPACE AND TIME AND BEING A USELESS FUCKING LOSER BASICALLY THAT ENTIRE TIME. THE HORRIBLE TRAUMA AND CO-DEPENDENCY I NOW LIVE WITH WAS ENTIRELY WORTH IT FOR UNLIMITED REFILLS ON MY SLOP #MYSLOP. ALL IN ALL, 10/10 EXPERIENCE. THE SERVICE THERE WERE EXTREMELY UNDERSTANDING WHEN I EXPLAINED THAT I WAS JUST POST-MOLT, AND THEY WEREN'T MAD ABOUT IT LIKE YOU SAID THEY WERE, *VRISKA.* THE FOOD WAS...UH...I THINK IT WAS REALLY REALLY GOOD? I'M PRETTY SURE IT WAS. HONESTLY I DON'T REMEMBER THE TASTE MUCH MORE THAN I REMEMBER FINALLY FEELING FULL AFTER BASICALLY A WHOLE WEEK. VRISKA...I THINK SHE LIKED IT? I'M PRETTY SURE SHE LIKED IT. YOU CAN CHIME IN WITH YOUR OPINIONS WHENEVER YOU FEEL LIKE IN THE REPLIES. IT WAS A GREAT DATE ANYWAY. IF NOTHING ELSE I GOT TO EMBARRASS THE SHIT OUT OF HER, AND IS THAT NOT WHAT BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP IS TRULY ABOUT? YOUR MOVE, SERKET. #KARKATFOODREVIEWS