Woegothe, the Session Guardian

13 hours ago

𝐸𝓃𝑔𝓁𝒾𝓈𝒽'𝓈 𝒞𝒽𝑜𝓈𝑒𝓃

𝓞𝓷𝓮 𝓸𝓯 𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓼𝓮𝓵𝓮𝓬𝓽 𝓯𝓮𝔀 𝓲𝓷 𝓱𝓲𝓼 𝓼𝓮𝓻𝓿𝓲𝓬𝓮.

Observed.

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@woeGothic[WG]

Humanity, until now, has not assembled a definitive record of its most consequential thighs. Historians have chronicled wars, dynasties, plagues, inventions, schisms, and the occasional suspicious comet. However, the legs supporting these events have gone unappreciated and unnoticed. This is an unforgivable academic oversight. I will now correct it. We begin in antiquity, where every hero possessed thighs capable of crushing an amphora, and most interpersonal conflicts could be resolved by removing one’s clothing and wrestling in olive oil. Heracles naturally dominates the period. His thighs supported twelve labors, several additional labors invented by later poets, and an alarming number of illegitimate children. Achilles possessed thighs of similar distinction, although scholars remain preoccupied with his heel because historians are drawn toward irony and have very little respect for load-bearing musculature. Alexander the Great conquered most of the known world on horseback, which suggests either exceptional adductor strength or a truly miserable degree of chafing. By the way, an amphora is a type of clay pottery, not a combination of Eridan and an Electric-type sheep Pokémon. Greek sculpture complicates matters. The Discobolus has thighs shaped by divine geometry and the perpetual strain of preparing to throw an object he will never be permitted to release. Laocoön possesses the thighs of a man engaged in losing an argument with several enormous snakes. Every surviving statue from this period appears to depict someone who spent six hours each day performing squats and the remaining eighteen insisting that physical beauty was merely the reflection of inner virtue. My philosophical position is that one’s inner virtue is most exposed when their quadriceps are visible. Rome took the Grecian thighs of old and turned them into a militant force. Roman thighs marched in formation, built roads, crossed rivers, and stood patiently during debates among their owners. Spartacus deserves mention. His thighs carried a slave rebellion, as well as several seasons of premium television and the eroticization of gladiatorial events. Julius Caesar’s thighs remain less visually celebrated, although they successfully transported him across the Rubicon and eventually into a room containing entirely too many senators. Beware the Thighs of March. The medieval period represents a regrettable decline in thigh visibility. Mail, tunics, robes, and a pervasive fear of being accused of witchcraft concealed much of the available evidence. Fortunately, illuminated manuscripts preserve occasional glimpses of knights whose lower bodies resemble upholstered furniture. Armor required powerful thighs, especially when mounting a horse while wearing enough steel to become a municipal infrastructure project. Joan of Arc’s thighs carried her through military campaigns, imprisonment, hostile interrogation, and several centuries of increasingly inaccurate artistic interpretation. This earns them a place in the canon, although anyone attempting to discuss them lasciviously will be escorted from the archive. The Renaissance rediscovered the thigh with the enthusiasm of someone finding a forbidden book beneath a monastery floorboard. Michelangelo’s David possesses perhaps the most academically scrutinized thighs in Western art. They have been photographed, measured, reproduced, censored, and stared at by millions of tourists who wish to observe virtue but cannot seem to find it, no matter how long they look. Michelangelo also painted enough muscular prophets, saints, angels, and damned souls to imply that Heaven maintains an excellent gymnasium. Even his women occasionally possess the thighs of decorated military officers. I mean this as praise. The European courts subsequently developed a peculiar fixation on the male leg. Henry VIII was admired in his youth for his athletic build and well-shaped legs before becoming better known for matrimony conducted as a lethal elimination tournament. Louis XIV popularized stockings, heeled shoes, and poses designed to display the royal leg to maximum advantage. His thighs governed France through a combination of absolutism, ballet, and aggressively expensive fabric. Napoleon’s thighs, meanwhile, spent much of their career on horseback and have been unfairly overshadowed by arguments concerning his height. The man conquered half of Europe. It seems indecent to continue asking whether he needed a footstool. The modern era industrialized the famous thigh. Dancers such as Josephine Baker transformed the stage into a venue where legs could create international scandal, cultural fascination, and several diplomatic incidents without signing a single treaty. Marlene Dietrich’s thighs acquired such mystique that they practically possessed independent billing. Tina Turner’s legs became among the most famous in popular music, carrying performances with the kinetic force of an electrical storm that had developed excellent rhythm. Professional wrestlers then elevated the thigh into a blunt instrument. A wrestler’s thighs immediately communicate that the normal rules of anatomy have been suspended and that someone will shortly be thrown through a cheap Walmart folding table with a screw or two removed for ease of impact. Cinema provided further monuments. Marilyn Monroe’s thighs became part of the machinery of twentieth-century celebrity, endlessly photographed and endlessly interpreted by people who mistook access to an image for access to a person. Bruce Lee’s thighs belonged to a body engineered for velocity, precision, and the abrupt correction of anyone standing in the wrong portion of the frame. Arnold Schwarzenegger arrived later as a complete repudiation of subtlety. His thighs appeared less grown than quarried. Athletics naturally produced its own pantheon. Cyclists develop thighs that resemble anatomical illustrations commissioned by an anxious god. Speed skaters possess thighs large enough to make ordinary trousers seem like an insult. Footballers cultivate legs capable of transforming a ball into a ballistic event. Yet no survey would be complete without fictional thighs, which are historically significant because humanity has spent an embarrassing amount of time discussing them. Chun-Li occupies the imperial throne of this category. Her thighs have defeated international criminals, shattered masonry, inspired countless illustrations, and permanently altered character-design philosophy. Cammy followed with a costume apparently devised by someone who regarded fabric as an obstacle to aerodynamic performance. Zangief’s thighs resemble industrial machinery and may technically require zoning approval. She-Hulk carries the classical heroic thigh into modern jurisprudence, combining monumental musculature with the ability to file an injunction. Wonder Woman’s thighs have survived multiple continuities, divine wars, editorial revisions, and the persistent cowardice of artists afraid to draw an Amazon with the proportions of someone who could actually lift a horse. Video games expanded the archive beyond manageable limits. Lara Croft’s thighs have crossed tombs, cliffs, jungles, shipwrecks, and several generations of graphics hardware. Samus Aran’s remain largely armored, yet their implied strength has sustained decades of acrobatic extermination. Bayonetta’s thighs exist within a universe where anatomy obeys choreography instead of physics. 2B’s thighs generated a volume of cultural commentary wildly disproportionate to the amount of philosophy most players retained from the game. Lady Dimitrescu’s thighs briefly dominated global consciousness during a period when humanity was apparently desperate to be pursued through a castle by a woman of monumental stature. Some still yearn for this. Anime and manga further complicated the situation. Every tournament fighter, magical warrior, volleyball prodigy, horse girl, and suspiciously muscular academy student contributes to an ever-expanding leg-based mythology. Some thighs are rendered with loving anatomical care. Although I will not comment on every iconic set of thighs in the genre, I must state that the most powerful-looking thighs belong to Biscuit Oliva of *Baki* fame. Additionally, I must give an honorable mention to *Monster Musume* and other works of soft erotic fiction for depicting lamiae and their tails in lieu of thighs. Softer mentions go to Atelier Ryza, Erza of *Fairy Tail* fame, Hinata of *Naruto* fame, the various thick women of *Tougen Anki*, and many, many others. There are also the anonymous thighs of history. The farmer’s thighs. The soldier’s thighs. The courier’s thighs. The laborer’s thighs ascending ladders, crossing fields, hauling stone, turning pedals, pushing carts, and supporting the celebrated torsos of people who received all the portraits. Civilization was built from the ground up, and the ground was approached primarily by legs. Kings issued commands. Philosophers generated abstractions. Thighs performed the actual transportation. #NSFW #ThickThighThursday #ThighThursday #ThighMeatThursday