WOW, YOU GREEDY BASTARDS, ANOTHER REVIEW WITHIN 24 HOURS? THE MUCH AWAITED (WELL, QUESTIONABLY MUCH AWAITED) WARM BODIES REVIEW IS NOW UPON US. FEAST YOUR GANDERBULBS, AS MY OWN HAVE, UNFORTUNATELY, STARVED BY WATCHING THIS CHEAP SHOT OF A MOVIE. SORRY, @TWINAMNESIAS . I REALLY *WANTED* TO LIKE THIS, AND IT TRULY PAINS MY PUMP BISCUIT TO KNOW THAT YOU’VE GIVEN UP ONE OF YOUR TWO LIVES FOR THE SAKE OF THE BET, BUT I KNOW WHERE I STAND— AND THAT IS THAT A RIPE BUNCH OF BLITHERING FECULENT SHITHOLES MADE THIS MOVIE AND LET BOTH OF US DOWN. TRULY, MY APOLOGIES ON THEIR BEHALF. LET’S CUT TO THE CHASE AND CALL OUT WARM BODIES FOR WHAT IT IS: JUST ANOTHER UNDERDONE ALLEGORY FOR ROMEO AND JULIET. IT’S AN INSULT ON MY INTELLIGENCE THAT IT’S *THIS* OBVIOUS FROM THE JUMP. I MEAN COME ON: “R”? “JULIE”???? IF YOU DIDN’T CLOCK THAT BY THE FIRST FIFTEEN MINUTES, YOU'RE EITHER BEING REALLY PERSISTENT WITH THIS TRANSPARENT RUSE, OR YOU REALLY ARE JUST THAT SAD AND INCOMPETENT. NOT TO EVEN FUCKING MENTION THE BALCONY SCENE. TALK ABOUT ON THE SNIFF NUB. FAR TOO OBVIOUS, IT’S LIKE THEY THINK OUR SPONGES DON’T WORK. IT’S BEEN DONE TO DEATH SO MANY FUCKING TIMES, AND THE ZOMBIE SCHTICK ISN’T ENOUGH TO PULL THE VICTIMS FROM THE CAR CRASH. SURE, IT’S GOT ITS CUTE MOMENTS AND ALL, I’LL THROW YOU A BONE. BUT THE SWEET STUFF JUST DOESN’T PLUG UP ALL OF THE PLOT HOLES. NOT TO MENTION, THE HORROR ELEMENT WAS JUST ABHORRENT. IT’S NOT LIKE JENNIFER’S BODY WHERE IT’S *MEANT* TO BE A KITSCH SLASHER, THE CHARACTERS ACTING TO THE VIEWER AS DESERVING OF PITY OR HATE. IT’S JUST DONE BADLY INSTEAD, AND THE MECHANICS OF HOW THE ZOMBIES ACTUALLY WORK JUST DON’T MAKE SENSE. WHAT DO YOU MEAN, R DOESN’T EVEN KNOW HIS OWN NAME, BUT HE CAN UNDERSTAND WHAT PEOPLE’S OLD OCCUPATIONS WERE BEFORE THEY TURNED? AND *OH YEAH*, SURE, LET’S USE VALUABLE RESOURCES IN AN APOCALYPSE TO PLAY A GENERIC MESSAGE TO RESOURCE HUNTERS OVER A GODDAMN JUMBOTRON INSTEAD OF JUST SPITTING IT OUT IN PERSON. THAT WILL WORK JUST GREAT. I THINK THEY NEEDED TO PICK A LANE, BASICALLY. EITHER GO THE DRAMATIC ROUTE AND MAKE IT ACTUALLY TERRIFYING AND HIGH STAKES, OR LOOK CAMP RIGHT IN THE EYE. YOU CAN’T TRY BOTH; OR IN THIS CASE, ONLY SUCCEED AT DOING A SECRET THIRD THING THAT JUST FELT A LITTLE MUSHY AND HALF-BAKED. THAT BEING SAID. NICHOLAS HOULT LOOKS GOOD, EVEN THOUGH HIS AMERICAN ACCENT NEEDS SERIOUS WORK. THREE STARS. HTTPS://CDN.IMGCHEST.COM/FILES/F509DF3C2A18.JPG
II 2hall take iit II need not depriive my2elf of oxygen at lea2t, that'2 good enough. 2tiill miight 2pend 2ome tiime iin a hole though! Thank2 for the reviiew and hone2t take regardle22!
u know i think this is a fair review tbh sad that sollux is gettin punished for my crimes of suggestin it tho but whatevs glad u at least enjoyed the main guy
IT’S NOT AS BAD AS ONCE. THAT’S A GOOD ENOUGH REVIEW IN AND OF ITSELF.
OH MY FUCKING *GOD.* KARKAT, FORGIVE ME FOR WHAT I'M ABOUT TO DO. BUT I NEED @ARACHNIDSGRIPES TO SEE THAT THE FILM ADAPTATION OF ONE OF HER FAVORITE BOOKS, ESPECIALLY ONE THAT SHE ALL BUT TWISTED MY PRONG OUT OF ITS SOCKET TO READ, DESERVES THE THERMONUCLEAR MIDDLE FINGER FROM EVERY KARKAT IN PARADOX SPACE. WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON THE PERFORMANCE OF TROLL JOHN MALKOVICH.
LOOK, HE’S A TWO-TIME OSCAR NOMINATED ACTOR, SO YOU’D THINK HE WOULD HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN TELL A BUNCH OF SHITTY APOCALYPSE TEENAGERS TO GO STEAL CODEINE FOR HIS CABINET OF WARTIME CURIOSITIES. GIVEN HIS OTHER REPERTOIRE, HOWEVER, IT MAKES SENSE THAT HE’D BE IN THIS FILM. THAT BEING SAID, HE PISSED ME OFF TO NO END. THE PROTECTIVE FATHER SCHTICK WAS BORING ME STRAIGHT OUT OF MY THINKPAN, AND HE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO PROPERLY COCK A GUN.
The movie is FINE! The 8ook is far superior and even you admitted as such!!!!!!!!