THRASHER
@carcinoGeneticist
I HAVE WORDS TO SAY.
HES SO AMAZING I CANT TELL IF IM FALLING FOR HIM OR IF HES RAISING MY STANDARDS
Let me guess, a Strider?
When it comes to you? Heh, little column A little column B, Dork
Hahaha, what's the matter, got your wires crossed again Lil Crab?
LET ME BE YOURS, AT LEAST FOR A WHILE TIL I FALL ASLEEP IN YOUR ARMS ):B
THEY’RE NOT UNIMPORTANT! JUST EMBARRASSING TO MYSELF TO BE SO CLINGY TO
ALL I WANTED WAS A BLACK GRAND NATIONAL FUCK BEIN RATIONAL GIVEM WHAT THEY ASKED FOR #ITSNOTENOUGH
Well. Well. Well.
HELLO. BITCHES AND THE BITCHLESS. IT IS I. THE HAND. MAID. I HAVE JUST WATCHED. THE BEST MOVIE. I HAVE EVER GANDERED. WITH THESE TWO. FLASHING. GANDERBULBS. IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. AND THAT IS REALLY FUCKING SAYING SOMETHING. BECAUSE I AM SUCH AN OLD. GRODY. BITCH. AND BECAUSE IT IS SO GOOD. GOOD ENOUGH THAT I ENDORSE IT. WITH MY WHOLE. SAGGY. AORTICALLY COLLAPSED. PUSHER. I HAVE DECIDED. TO WRITE AN ENTIRE REVIEW. ON THE LEGENDARY QUALITY. AND TIMELESS AMUSEMENT. OF THIS MOVIE. THIS IS MY FULL-LENGTH REVIEW. ON THE 2015. LUCASFILMS JUKEBOX MUSICAL. STRANGE MAGIC. STRANGE MAGIC IS MANY THINGS. A FANTASY FILM. A SHAKESPEARIAN PERMUTATION. A NINETY-NINE-MINUTE BUTCHERY OF SOME REAL. CLASSIC. BANGERS. AND A SCREAMING ABATTOIR. OF FLAT-OUT MISOGYNY. THE LIKES OF WHICH. COULD ONLY BE WRITTEN BY A WASHED-OUT FANTASY NERD WITH AN ORAL FIXATION AND A LUST FOR THE SWEET. PLASTICKY. SEX APPEAL. OF COMPUTER-GENERATED FREAKS. WHO APPARENTLY WANTED TO MAKE A FILM FOR HIS THREE FEMALE DESCENDANTS. AND FOR FIFTEEN YEARS OF PRODUCTION. DREAMED OF MAKING "STAR WARS BUT FOR SIX SWEEP-OLD GIRLS." LIKE SOME KIND OF FUCKING MANIAC. BUT ABOVE ALL OF THESE THINGS. AT ITS SWEET. SENTIMENTAL CORE. WRAPPED IN LAYERS OF HOT. REEKING GARBAGE. LIKE A BEAUTIFUL ROSEBUD. AT ITS ROSEATE CENTER. IT IS THE BEST KIND OF MOVIE. IT IS. A ROMANCE. A ROMANCE ABOUT TWO NAIVE DUMBFUCKS. WHO HAVE BEEN BURNED SO BADLY BY LOVE. THAT THEY HAVE FORMED A THICK. PRICKLY. IMPENETRABLE CRUST. LIKE A FULL SUIT OF PLATE ARMOR. MADE OF SCAR TISSUE. TO PREVENT THEMSELVES FROM EVER FALLING IN LOVE AGAIN. AND IT IS FOR THIS EXACT MUTUAL BADDIESHIP. THAT THESE TWO DIPSHITS. TUMBLE INTO THE HOTTEST. STEAMIEST. MOST UNLIKELY. AND VISCERALLY UNPLEASANT TO WATCH MATESPRITSHIP. EVER SEEN ON THE SCREEN. ALSO THEY ARE FAIRIES. SO IF YOU ARE ONE OF THE TROLLS OUT THERE. WHOSE GOSSAMER WINGS ARE ALREADY AFLUTTER WITH UNCHECKED AROUSAL. AT THE MERE CONCEPT THUS FAR. THIS ONE. IS FOR THE GIRLIES. LET US FIRST BEGIN. WITH A BRIEF SYNOPSIS. SPOILERS AHEAD. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO WANT TO WATCH. THIS LOIN-ROILING. CINEMATIC. MASTERPIECE. FIRST-HAND. LONG AGO. IN A FOREST FAR. FAR AWAY. THERE IS A REALM DIVIDED. BETWEEN THE FAIRY KINGDOM. AND THE DARK FOREST. AND IN THIS REALM. THERE EXISTS A FAIRY. THE SUGAR PLUM FAIRY, TO BE EXACT. WHO CAN TURN PRIMROSE PETALS. INTO LOVE POTIONS. THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT DETAIL OF THE MOVIE. SO DO NOT. FUCKING. FORGET THIS. FROM THE FAIRY KINGDOM COMES PRINCESS MARIANNE. WHO IS A NAIVE. ROYAL. BIMBO TART. DIPSHIT. WHO IMMEDIATELY FINDS OUT. THAT HER PHILANDERING ASSCLOWN FIANCE. ROLAND. A BLOND, SELF-ABSORBED FUCKFACE. WITH THE MOST SNATCHED WAIST. OF ANY MAN. TO EVER SWING AROUND. A COUNTRY BOY ACCENT. IS CHEATING ON HER. WITH SOME NAMELESS HUSSIE. WHO IS NEVER MENTIONED AGAIN. AND MARIANNE IS SO RIGHTFULLY PUMP-SMASHED OVER HIS BULLSHIT. THAT SHE GETS GUSSIED UP IN HER FINEST EYELINER MADE OF BLUEBERRIES. AND DRESSES LIKE A PROPER MEAN BITCH. AND VOWS OFF OF LOVE. FOREVER. NOW. MEANWHILE. IN THE DARK FOREST. WHERE THE REAL. SLIMY. FREAKS OF THE FEY WORLD LIVE. WE MEET. THE REAL. HIGHLIGHT OF THIS FILM. A BAD BITCH. OF SUCH DROP-DEAD GORGEOUS. LIP-BITING. AURA-FARMING. TROLL HENRY SELICK DESIGN LOOKING-ASS. GRUMBLR SEXYMAN APPEAL. THAT THEY SEALED THE FUCKING DEAL. BY CASTING HIM AS RENOWNED STAR OF SCREEN AND STAGE. ALAN CUMMING. WHOSE LAST NAME. IS EXACTLY WHAT I WAS DOING. AS SOON AS HE SANG HIS FIRST MUSICAL NUMBER. IF YOU WANT TO DRAW ART OF ME. *COPIOUS* ART OF ME. VIOLENTLY TONGUEING THAT MAN. ON HIS HOT MOUTH. OR ANY OTHER. SIMILARLY. SAUCY. SELF-INDULGENT FANART. PLEASE. PLEASE DO SO. AND SHOW IT TO ME. NO MATTER WHAT I SAY. OR DO. AFTER THIS. BECAUSE THAT IS SIMPLY MY PRONGHINGE-JERK REFLEX. LEAVING ME UNABLE TO OPENLY. AND GLEEFULLY ACCEPT. THE BOUNTY. OF THE BOOTY. SO JUST HEAP THAT SHIT ON ME. FULL SPEED AHEAD. WHERE WAS I. I GOT LOST THERE FOR A MINUTE. YES. THE BOG KING. MY BELOVED BAD BOY. HE HAS ORDERED THAT ALL THE PRIMROSES IN THE REALM BE CUT. AND HAS IMPRISONED THE SUGAR PLUM FAIRY. SO THAT NO MORE LOVE POTIONS CAN BE MADE. BECAUSE HE HAS ALSO. SWORN OFF OF LOVE. FOREVER. FOR A REASON HE ADAMANTLY REFUSES TO ELABORATE ON. NO MATTER HOW MUCH EVERY SINGLE FUCKING MINION IN HIS WHOLE KINGDOM. POKES HIM ABOUT IT. BUT THEY CONSTANTLY ALLUDE TO SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED LONG AGO. IN HIS TRAGIC. SEXY. BACKSTORY. WHO HURT HIM. I WANT TO KNOW. I NEEDED TO KNOW. THAT IS WHY I WATCHED THE WHOLE FILM. NOW STRAP IN. YOU WEAK-WILLED STOOGES. BECAUSE HERE. IS WHERE THE SHIT. GETS GOING. YOU SEE. MARIANNE. HAS A SISTER. DAWN. WHO IS A CHIPPER. SACCHARINE. BALL OF SUNSHINE. THE KIND THAT WOULD MELT THE FLESH. RIGHT OFF YOUR BONES. AND THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN WITHSTAND. HER FULL FORCE BEAUTIFIC IMMOLATION. IS A SHORT. UNFLATTERINGLY CARICATURIZED ELF. NAMED SUNNY. GET IT. DAWN. SUNNY. YOU MAY LAUGH NOW. WELL THIS IS IMPORTANT. BECAUSE WHEN ROLAND SHOWS UP TO ASK MARIANNE TO FORGIVE HIM. WITH A SONG THAT ADMITTEDLY KIND OF FUCKS. AND SHE THROWS HIS ASS OUT. WITH A SONG THAT FUCKING SUCKS. THIS SMARMY. CREEPY. COWBOY SLUT. CONVINCES SUNNY TO SNEAK INTO THE DARK FOREST. FIND THE SUGAR PLUM FAIRY. BRING A PRIMROSE PETAL. AND BRING BACK A LOVE POTION. WITH WHICH TO DUBCON THE BAD BITCH. HE SO EGREGIOUSLY FUMBLED. BUT WHEN HE DOES. AND THE BOG KING SHOWS UP. TO ROCK MY UGLY PANTIES. WITH SUCH ENORMOUS FORCE. THAT IT REHYDRATES A BARREN RIVERBED. THAT LAY DUSTY AND RUINOUS. FOR UNTOLD EONS. WITH HIS OPENING NUMBER. ALL OF THE SHIT. HITS THE OSCILLATING WIND DEVICE. DAWN IS HIT WITH THE LOVE POTION. MY BEAUTIFUL BOGGY WOGGY DEMANDS THAT THE POTION BE RETURNED. THIS LITTLE. FUCKASS IMP. WHO IS THE EXACT SIZE, HEIGHT, AND LEVEL OF DIPSHIT INTELLECT AS THE GREEN MANLET WHO SIGNS MY CHECKS. WHO SHOULD DEFINITELY BE READING THIS REVIEW RIGHT NOW. STEALS THE POTION AND JUST STARTS SPRAYING THAT SHIT ABSOLUTELY EVERYWHERE. TURNING THE WHOLE FOREST. INTO ONE FUCKED UP. SAUCY. INTERSPECIES. TONGUEFEST. MARIANNE GOES AFTER HER ENSORCELLED CLUTCHSISTER. ROLAND GATHERS AN ARMY. AND WORST. OF ALL. THAT DUMB. FAWNING BITCH. DAWN. HAS THE RAW UNMITIGATED *GUMPTION.* TO FALL MAGICALLY IN LOVE. WITH MY BOGGY WOGGY. THE CONNIVING WHORE. I WILL FEED HER ASS ON A PLATTER. TO THE ANGEL OF DOUBLE DEATH ITSELF. FOR STEPPING ON MY MAN. BY NOW. THE MORE LITERATE. AND LESS CULTURALLY PAN-DEAD AMONG YOU. HAVE PROBABLY SURMISED THAT THIS IS ESSENTIALLY THE PLOT OF A MIDPERIHELION LIGHT'S DREAM. SO I WILL SKIP SOME OF THE FINER POINTS. FOR REDUNDANT BREVITY. THE MAIN POINT IS THAT THE MOMENT THIS FILM COMES ONLINE. IN A BIG. BIG. WAY. IS WHEN MARIANNE CONFRONTS THE BOG KING. IN A FEVERISH. FRONDSTUB-CURLING. MELEE. WHERE THEY REALIZE THAT THEY ARE EVENLY MATCHED. NOT ONLY IN FIGHTING ABILITY. BUT IN THE DEPTH OF THE WOUNDS DEALT TO THEIR PUSHERS. BY THEIR LOSSES OF LOVE. AND THE DEATH OF THEIR INNOCENCE. AND IN THEIR MUTUAL DESIRE TO FREE DAWN OF THE SPELL. THESE TWO SCORNED. LOVELESS BADDIES. REALIZED THAT THEIR FREAK. MATCHES EACH OTHER'S FREAK. IN A WAY NO FREAK. OF ANY SPECIES. EVER HAS. THIS WAS THE MOMENT. THAT IT ALL REALLY BEGAN TO MAKE SENSE TO ME. I BEGAN TO SEE MYSELF IN MARIANNE'S PETITE. ONE INCH-TALL. SHOES. I SAW THE PAIN OF MY PAST IN HER. AND THROUGH HER GANDERBULBS. SAW EVERYTHING THAT SHE SAW. IN THAT THORNY. RAW. MISTREATED. LOVEBOAT. AND FROM THAT MOMENT ON. THIS MOVIE. BECAME UNIRONICALLY GOOD. FUCK THE HIT-OR-MISS SONG QUALITY. FUCK THE DEEPLY UNCOMFORTABLE ANIMATION. THAT WOULD MAKE TROLL STAR WARS'S WATTO. LOOK LIKE SOME FORGETTABLE. NOTHING SHIT. WITH ALL THE FUCKING. MAW SHOTS. WHICH I WILL POST IMAGES OF. BECAUSE THIS SHIT NEEDS TO BE SEEN. TO BE BELIEVED. AND FUCK THE GOD-AWFUL. GRUBFORSAKEN PACING OF THIS WHOLE SLURRYPOOL SHITFEST. BECAUSE I SHIT YOU NOT. THE ROMANCE BETWEEN THESE TWO. IS ACTUALLY KIND OF FUN TO WATCH. I FOUND MYSELF ROOTING FOR THEM AT EVERY TURN. EVEN THE DOWNTURNS. AND THE TWISTS. BECAUSE I WANTED THAT TO BE ME. WITH ALL MY PUSHER. ALL MY SOUL. AND EVERY MOTE OF DUST. IN MY DRY. BARREN. REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS. ESPECIALLY BECAUSE THEIR FIRST DATE. COMES WITH THE EPONYMOUS SONG OF THE FILM. WHICH IS ACTUALLY ONE OF THE HITS AS FAR AS THE MUSIC GOES. AND LET ME TELL YOU. THE PAYOFF. IS WORTH. EVERY POSTURE POLE-TINGLING. CHUTE-CLENCHING MOMENT. OF ANTICIPATION. I'M NOT KIDDING. SHE KIND OF TICKLES HIS ASSHOLE. FULLY ON-SCREEN. THIS IS NOT A JOKE. WATCH THE MOVIE IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME. BECAUSE THIS IS THE LAST I WILL SAY. ON THE MATTER. THIS MOVIE. OPENED MY GANDERBULBS WIDE. TO WHAT A ROMANCE COULD BE. GONE IS MY PURE. SEETHING INDIFFERENCE. FOR REDROM. AND THE ENEMIES TO FLUSHMATES TROPE. THIS SHIT. IS PURE. MUSICAL. CRACK. IF ANYTHING. THE MISOGYNY. AND THE UNCOMFORTABLE MINORITY DEPICTIONS. MAKE IT BETTER. AND MORE FLAVORFUL. FOR THE REAL. TROLLS. OF CULTURE. IN THE AUDIENCE. TAKE NINETY-NINE MINUTES OUT OF YOUR DAY. RIGHT NOW. WITH SOMEONE YOU LOVE. OR WOULD LIKE TO LOVE. AND WATCH THIS MASTERPIECE. OF AN ANIMATED. SCUTTLETRAINWRECK. AND WHEN YOU DO. THINK OF ME. AND MY DERANGED. FACE-SPLITTING. ABSOLUTELY FUCKING CHOCOLATE CHEESED SMILE. THROUGH THE ENTIRE THING. HEE HEE. HOO HOO. HAA HAA. IN SUMMARY. STRANGE MAGIC RECEIVES. TEN OUT OF TEN HAIRPINS. STUCK STRAIGHT THROUGH MY BESOTTED BULBS. SO THAT THE LAST IMAGE IMPRINTED ON MY GANDERNERVES. IS OF MY REAL DARK OVERLORD. THE REALEST STICKBUG. IF YOU REPLACE THE "ST" IN THAT WORD WITH THE LETTER "D." MY #BOGGYWOGGY. TO WHOM I CONSIDER MYSELF. LAWFULLY. AND LEGALLY MARRIED. AND IF YOU ARE STILL ON THE FENCE. ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT. YOU SHOULD DEDICATE. AN ENTIRE. IRREVOCABLE MORNING. TO SITTING YOUR WORTHLESS ASS IN FRONT OF YOUR VIEWSCREEN. AND JAMMING ALONG. TO TROLL LUCAS'S UNSUNG. BUT ALSO LITERALLY SUNG. OEUVRE. THEN TO QUOTE THE TITLE OF THE HIT SONG. BY BIG CITY GERMS. WHICH YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO IMMEDIATELY AFTER THIS REVIEW. "DO IT." ANYWAYS. THAT IS ALL. #NSFW #NSFWE JUST BECAUSE I ABSOLUTELY COULD NOT HOLD IT TOGETHER. WHILE I WROTE THIS REVIEW. ME. DAMARA. THE HAND. MAID. WITH MY OWN TYPESTUBS. ALSO. FOR NO REASON AT ALL. SOMEONE SHOULD GO AND LET KARKAT OUT OF MAIDJAIL. BECAUSE THE FUMES. FROM THE ATTEMPT. TO CREATE A WATER CLOCK. IN ORDER TO PERMIT TIME TO PASS. VIA A LIGHTER. CHOPPED-UP FURNITURE. A KETTLE MADE OF THE MOP BUCKET. AND SOME PARADOX-STRENGTH DISINFECTANT. TO CREATE A MICROCLIMATE THAT WOULD DRIP CONDENSATION INTO A NEARBY VESSEL. TO THEREFORE PERCEIVE THE PASSAGE OF TIME. THEREBY PERMITTING JUST ENOUGH CONSEQUENCE. FOR HIM TO TRY AND SMASH A HOLE IN THE FOURTH WALL. IS CURRENTLY FILLING THE ROOM WITH DEADLY FUMES. AND UNLESS HE CAN PUT THIS STUPID FUCKING WIGGLER CHAIR THROUGH THIS SCREEN. IN THE NEXT SIXTY SECONDS. HE IS PROBABLY GOING TO FUCKING DIE. PLEASE HEART REACT. AND FOLLOW. FOR MORE SAUCY. BOG KING. CONTENT. ESPECIALLY @TIPSYGNOSTALGIC#2248. AND @GUTSYGUMSHOE. WHO WILL KNOW. EXACTLY. WHAT THE FUCK. IS UP. AS PROMISED. ENJOY THE #MAWSHOTS.
MY FAVORITE MOVIE MENTIONED !!!!!!! STRANGE MAGIC
How do any trolls function in Alternia without being perpetually terrified.....
Guys please I was tagging our accounts im sorry please let me live https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/1207903277690388562/1508720370197332009/7144cc2524816581585902eef30eb345_3.jpg?ex=6a1690d6&is=6a153f56&hm=79a7c2abbbef67130f34558294ce187570c37bfbf7792d34b49e2fc5f6b4e037&
RUNNING INTO OLD EXES AT THE SUPERMARKET IS FUCKING SOMETHING
sitting in calls with ex's is sure something but here we are BAHAHAAHAH/t/silly
@gallowsCalibrator (Terezi "Bigdick" Pyrope) @timaeusTestified (Dirk) @unclaspedKahuna (>([#entai god]) @ectoBiologist (Jegbert) @carnivorousGuilt (Grimkat) @gigantisDebilitation (Dism/\s) @thrasherAmnesiac (7UN4F15H) @tragedyGentrifier (I warned you about those stairs bro) @taciturnAtrophy (Sauron Yetzar) @grimbarkGarden (Jade) @terpeneChronic (Gamz) @mxMeows (MEOW MIX!) @twistedGin (rolal) @troubledTactics (Bro)