♣ mediated by @cuddlyAmphibian
You wouldn't have time for a #DailyQuest if you had a #FullTimeJob.
NEVAR!
Sin ce I am nice and scramnbled, BOMBS AWAY! TRUE ANSWERRS ONLY! https://forms.gle/RfijxURAUHfDpkcR7 #notsubstanse #lobotomy #substance
QUASTION: girl... hospital ANSWER: Is a self cleaning oven. (Self fhealing.) (HEad) QUESTION: if hello kity was real would u and i be best friends ANSWERE; ABSOFRUITLY! QUESTON: Does the fair Miss Crocker prefer milk or dark chocolate? ASWER: Milk!!!!!!!!!!!!! QUESTION: aNyOnE eVeR tOlD yOu ThAt YoU'rE sO mOtHeR fUcKiNg SwEeT tO bEhOlD wHeN yOu'Re ShWaStEd? :o) ANSER: Augh ugh hgh snfl Sniffle. https://forms.gle/RfijxURAUHfDpkcR7
QUESTION: are you ever going to ask out any of those bearded men you lust after on the timeline ANSWER: #nsfw Maeby. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/ebd840ee6892.webp https://forms.gle/RfijxURAUHfDpkcR7
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QUESTION: 1F TH3R3 W3R3 TW0 GUYS 0N TH3 M00N 4ND 0N3 0F TH3M K1LL3D TH3 0TH3R 0N3 W1TH 4 R0CK W0ULD TH4T B3 FUCK3D UP 0R WH4T? ANSWER: IF tyhis happened to me I would be s opissed off. QUESTION: ｢konnichiwa!! kekeke~~ (ФωФ) kyuu~ jane-chan!! megane-san wants to knyaw ヽ(○・▽・○)ノ゛what kind of pantsu does anata prefer?~ (^_^) kyuu~~ as a kyutieful girl with kurasa, you seem like... a resu pantsu type of reidi... but megane-san doesn't know! (´ﾟЗﾟ｀) kyaahhh~ ＼(^_^)／ let megane-san knyow, jane-sensei!｣ [TRANSLATOR'S NOTE: pantsu means... *gets hit on the nub with the back of an eraser* gyah!! ( :ﾟ皿ﾟ) megane-san won't be a baka hentai!! kurasa means class ＼(^_^)／ jane-chan is a classy lady! resu means... lacy~~☆ kekeke... reidi means lady!] ANSWERR: THISS was siuch a journey to read. I needed a Lard of the Rangs amountof time to get through its. I dident goet to go to normal schools in middle schol but I think thewy would have ebeaten you criminaly. https://forms.gle/RfijxURAUHfDpkcR7
NEvar happend.
QUASTIN: Your thoughts on Eridan and HIC's rumored messages? ANSER: Thast ancent history. IT was praxtically years ago. #eridanweek https://forms.gle/qETRPVHT7kaXK21i6
That person does not exist to me. I refuse to dignify it.
You have the All-American propeller hat moniker of a nine year old boy trying out for the neighborhood stickball team, but ok, "CASPER COOPER." Scuff your little shoes up to the plate and see what comes of your swinging arm.
Are you.
These videos have MILLIONS of views, presumably all from Alternian trolls. I daresay I am not the only one buying the funny farm, here!
You have the coordinates! It's a two hour playlist.
... Unreal Heiress, play saved playlist TOP 50 ALTERNIAN HEIRESS USURPATION FAILS CAUGHT ON CAMERA.
#AskJane -- Question: doo you ship #DIRKJAKE or #JAKEDIRK ftw -- Answer: I have never in my life voluntarily contemplated the arrangement of this particular entanglement. It is ALWAYS being presented to me, in equal proportion of appeal to, say, the anus of a housecat attempting to identify itself. YES, I RECOGNIZE YOU. Yes, I am sure this is something you are excited to offer for my perusal, but good gravy, get that tushy out of my face!!! ... That being said. Here's the poll, I guess. https://poll-maker.com/poll5785981x4f474EB6-168 https://forms.gle/ypsj9r2BhnLdaGVK9
SHE'S NOT LISTENING TO YOU.
I know.
This is a joke. Actually. I equally hate it when HE does it.
@chillerAficionado He's scraping our bit.
Unreal Heiress, play No More I Love Yous by Annie Lennox. Or whichever song of hers is the one that goes doopie doopie doop doop doop oh.
I'm interpreting that you might not have much water in that coconut between your fins.
Don't shave it.
... Ew. You are not doing much in the way of avoiding your untimely fate in this matter by creeping on my sister before my very eyes!!!!
. What? ... Excuse me?
... Tease.
OH SHUT UP.
WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM.
STOP SENDING ME THIS IMAGE.
You know, you wouldn't have to make such grand gestures of penance if you managed to mind yourself to begin with. ... I will consider your offer.
Humph.
Oh my GOD. :|
I know you do.
Men don't strike this pose the way they did on Earth of yore. The precise complexion of his charms have been lost to time. Rest in peace, Doug. You could have taught them how to Dougie- and just maybe you would have.
It means nothing AND I trust my friends AND I'm doing just swell.
No "or." Never "or."
... This probably means nothing.
I take it my invitation was lost in the mail. :B
I don't know. Look at him. Can't you find it in your heart? We had our own tiff in the beginning, too, but I'm actually growing quite fond of him.
... Aw. :B
(You're not a simp.)
Is that why you're so concerned? ... You know that won't happen, don't you? D'aww. No one could ever come between what it is that we have. :B
Goodness gracious, you two. Can't a girl make thinly veiled exclamations of paranoia in peace with neither real-time social media vivisection NOR a spotlight-stealing pair of comment section brawlers?
Woah.
Hmmmm! This would sure read like an attempt to air my most intimate dirty laundry out on the public feed were it at all an accurate assessment of my own internal self! Bloomers flapping in the wind! Well, no thank you! Because THIS GAL could not be peachier if you fuzzed her down and stuck her with a pit.
NOPERS! NOPERONI, EXTRA CHEESE! BECAUSE I AM PLUMB. CHEDDAR BEAMING. ABOUT THIS NEW DEVELOPMENT.
I'm actually fine.
Feferi and Jake. Right. Naturally. A combination a sensible as the old fluffernutter. Age-old friends with malicious intentions in the ZILCH range. Hanging out. Performing physical exertion. Probably in skin-tight clothes. As one does. Sweating. Grunting. That's just peachy to old Jane. I. LOVE. WHEN MY FRIENDS BECOME FRIENDS. I WISH WE COULD ALL JUST. MELT TOGETHER. INTO ONE BIG SIZZLING AMALGAM. FRIENDBORG. HEY, WHEN'S THE LAST TIME WE PITCHED A FRIENDBORG? IS ANYONE FEELING INCLINED? I'M BORED. LET'S DO A FRIENDBORG. THAT WAY WE CAN ALL BE TOGETHER. EQUALLY. BOY. WITH THE WAY THESE TWO ARE PIGEONHOLED OFF TO ONE SIDE YOU'D THINK THEY WERE
#BFFs #sisters #missyou #glubyou @cuttlefishCabbalist
Boy, do I ever.
#BFFs #sisters #qualitytime #blessed #glubyou
I do hope you'll pardon my tardiness- although you'll be pleased to know the ball is already rolling at Crockercorp HQ on our #PrideMonth festivities. I would like to wish a VERY happy pride to the various LGBTQ+ individuals of this userbase, and commend their continuous courage and authenticity. Frankly, I wasn't going to say anything, given the binormative standards of Alternian society to which I've been educated. DO trolls celebrate Pride? And for that matter, would it be... LGSTQ+? "S" for Straight? ... Is it Straight Pride Perigee? Anywhoodle. A VERY happy Pride to you all, straight or no. #LGBTQ #LGBTQIA #LGSTQ #LGSTQIA #StraightPride #Ally #Straight
Believe it or not, we argued in the test kitchen over whether or not the drip was a touch on the nose. #BehindTheScenes #PrideMonth #Ally #GayCake #JustLikeYou
#PrideMonthMoment, brought to you by #CrockercorpPride! Can you tell me which of these poppers is MADE OF CAKE?
LOVE YOU TOO, FUCKING BOBO!
Is that offer presented with the caveat that you'll ditch to stuff your gob with Carmella's manigott?
Will you?
Shall we perhaps endeavor to remedy this? Maybe over dinner? :B
PLEASE invoice me for this VALUABLE MARKET DATA SERVICE.
Ok. I am wondering if you had a purpose in expressing this opinion aside from picking a fight? I don't really know who you are, across the larger gamut of Roxy Lalondes with whom I am more familiar. So... congratulations? Sorry that happened? Does that satisfy you, random pedestrian? :B
Another self-indulgent lark into the minds of this site's lecherous, finger-gnawing populace! Go froth! Sorry, I mean forth. https://forms.gle/LNE7NEbxRcUs9sJT8
https://forms.gle/c9m2WCwJMk1dWbyU6 QUESTION: }(]]]]]) < alriǦht alriǦht so how do you feel about small time hunǦry ambitious BIǦ SHOTS who are slowly but surely accumulatinǦ a web of contacts and resources like what do you think should be the next ₽riority for movinǦ from small time to MULTI FIǦURE kind of work and what do you recommend for accountinǦ for inflation ǦoinǦ from alternian markets to earth markets > ([[[[[){ ANSWER: Do I LOOK like personal finance mogul, radio show host (and notoriously frigid piece of ass) Dave Ramsey? I don't dispense that sort of advice pro bono. ... DM me.
https://forms.gle/c9m2WCwJMk1dWbyU6 QUESTION: So you have the apple bottom jeans? Perhaps some boots with the fur to go along with them? And have you ever gotten "low" while wearing them? ANSWER: I don't know from what source you've scavenged this information, given my general aversion to public casual-wear. But yes! I happen to have a pair. I may even consider wearing them out, or at the very least to a private social gathering. ... Given they still zip. We'll see.
https://forms.gle/c9m2WCwJMk1dWbyU6 QUESTION: are you ever going to ask out any of those bearded men you lust after on the timeline ANSWER: EXCELLENT question. Misappropriation of my interest, though. Bump the chin. The lip is what holds MY attention. And absolutely not. Much like the grubby-handed peasant boy knows not to pick the beautiful roadside wildflowers, lest they wilt in his sweaty little grip.
I know. :(
I KNOW.
https://forms.gle/c9m2WCwJMk1dWbyU6 QUESTION: so... whats the word on you and that guy from the masquerade? ANSWER: ... Hmph. You saw that. We shared a singular, passionate embrace. And upon our second meeting, he ditched me, like some frumpy fool waiting at the end of her own driveway for the prom night limousine that will never arrive. :(
https://forms.gle/c9m2WCwJMk1dWbyU6 QUESTION: WHAT DOES *YOUR* FACIAL HAIR LOOK LIKE? ANSWER: What sort of question is this. Are you trying to be funny. On Straight Pride Perigee?
https://forms.gle/c9m2WCwJMk1dWbyU6 #nsfw #suggestive #selfharm QUESTION: Marry, Fuck, Kill. The Handlebar, the Imperial, and the Parted Pencil. ANSWER: It is common misconception to attribute Handlebar to what we in the business of know would consider a Hungarian. The Imperial sports wider, thicker wings in comparison to the fanciful finger-twirling tendrils of the Handlebar proper. It certainly sports a more wholesomely masculine look. This is a toughie. The parted pencil is another type of appeal altogether. It offers little in the way of flirtatious finger-curling when nose-to-nose, but there is something else entirely to be said about the frictive properties. F to the Pencil. M to the Imperial. K, regrettably, and PLEASE BELIEVE I would have turned that barrel selfward if permitted to spare him, to the Handlebar.
I've sampled Samantha's other works. It seems her register was stretched up to bursting on this track to meet the flutish standards of Mr. Gibbs and co.
Perfectly fine!
Unreal Heiress, play Emotion by Samantha Sang and the Bee Gees. And dim lights to 40%.
https://forms.gle/x4TxK9MCvd3betJ57 QUESTION: IF YOU HAD TO PICK A COLOR WHERE EVERYTHING OF THAT COLOR SHOWS YOUR NAME ON IT WHICH COLOR WOULD IT BE AND WHY? FOR ME IT WOULD DEFINITELY BE GREEN OR WHITE. ANSWER: ... I feel like I've been approached by an unattended third grader. Er. Red.
WHAT?! WHAT? WHAT? Direct message me.
WHAT?!
https://forms.gle/x4TxK9MCvd3betJ57 QUESTION: this is very important i need to know how many doors there are in a 5 mile radius from you rounded to the nearest 12 ANSWER: Unreal Heiress, do that math. Use the development blueprints of the Crockercorp Headquarters Compound at a central radius of approximately five square miles from the Center Prong out. ... 9,192.
Are you whipping out proper capitalization as a measure of seriousness, or are you just feeling loosey-goosey regarding your own typing quirk. As you seem to be wont to do. :B
HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO. Oh, good lord. PLEASE give that a try. I'd love to see it.
I can defend myself perfectly well, but I take offense to accusations of going "unseen" by society at large... from an iteration of yourself sporting such abysmal clout with her "own people." And, frankly, I had a meeting. :B
https://forms.gle/x4TxK9MCvd3betJ57 QUESTION: Unlimited bacon, but no games. Or games, unlimited games, but no games? ANSWER: I'm presuming the end of your inquiry was intended to read "but no bacon." In which case I would forfeit games, as only one of the two currently occupies a significant portion of my life anyhow.
https://forms.gle/2w9FseGAoHseZEcN7 QUESTION: Would you make out with Roxy Lalonde sloppy style ANSWER: What? What. I don't. You want... Of all the preposterous- insufferable- INTENTIONALLY INFLAMMATORY- THIS IS OBVIOUSLY MEANT TO INCITE SOME SORT OF- WHY WOULD YOU EVEN ASK ME THAT? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO ANSWER THAT? YOU OBVIOUSLY WANT TO COMPLICATE MY PERFECTLY WHOLESOME FRIENDSHIPS. THIS BORDERS ON SOCIAL SABOTAGE. YOU WANT ME TO SAY SOMETHING TO EMBARRASS MYSELF. WELL, GUESS WHAT, BUCKARONI! NO FUCKING DICE! I BELIEVE YOU WILL FIND AS FAR AS MAINTAINING COMPOSURE GOES, I AM SIMPLY THE BEST THERE IS!!!!!
... Unreal Heiress, play No Children by The Mountain Goats.
wOW, fATASS!
Unreal Heiress, shuffle Barry White.
... Criminy. I forgot it was drone season. I've been so preoccupied with work, I didn't... ... <:|
I'm a human being.
Er. ... Don't worry about it.
I don't dignify that oddball's existence. Which is to say I do not reside within his reality and find the whole concept of his existence preposterous. When we nail down his DUBIOUS lore, do let me know. I live on Earth-C, where it has never been "mandatory" and carries only vestigial cultural relevance. Also, I'm a human being. I just. :| ... It doesn't matter.
Very well. So we are talking about it on feed. Excluding the non-carbonated Ohana line for what I hope are obvious reasons. --------- S --------- Rock & Rye. Creme Soda. Vanilla Creme Soda. Root Beer. Cotton Candy. Candy Apple. Bubble Pop. Super Pop. Firework. 60/40. It's 60-lime-40-grapefruit, to crack THAT caper. Dreamin. --------- A --------- Moon Mist Blue. Arctic Sun. Fruit Punch. Gold. --------- B --------- Grape. Jolly Green Apple. Black Cherry. Jazzin' Blues Berry. (You cannot taste the jazz. The berry is inoffensive.) Orange. Peach. Raspberry Blueberry. Pineapple. Pineapple Orange. Pineapple Watermelon. --------- C --------- Classic Redpop. Cola. Cherry Cola. Moon Mist classic. Twist. Ginger Ale. Dr. Faygo. --------- D --------- Tonic. Club Soda.
https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/61e5cb659e6e.gif
@carbolicGalvanologist Just making sure these are up to snuff. Counting the lava fudge center, the black cocoa sponge, the chocolate mousse topping and the chocolate sprinkles, I believe that marks it a QUADRUPLE chocolate cupcake. Four bangs for your buck. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/8ecaab3bbf91.png
That was Strange Magic.
Watching #StrangeMagic with @arachnidsGrip#9137, @golgothasTerror, and @tipsyGnostalgic#2248. ... I don't know if I'm quite prepared to have my heartstrings tugged on a piece primarily centered around love potions. Who picked this schlock???
WHAT IS YOUR QUALM WITH THIS PAIRING.
Don't be disgusting.
... Where did you get that.
... Unreal Heiress. Play Lips of An Angel by Hinder.
An unnamed individual, unrelated to any #masquerade event taking place. Part trois. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/69c71ccb275b.png
Posting #hole for #sinfulsunday. #nsfw? https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/0bb8b14d4a57.jpg
An unnamed individual, unrelated to any #masquerade event taking place. Part deux. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/60fe1ab7fc3f.png
Unreal Heiress, play Fire in My Heart by Escape From New York.
An unnamed individual, unrelated to any #masquerade event taking place. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/facba58a1d7b.png
What ever.
You are stomping your big floppy shoes on thinner ice than you could possibly conceptualize. I suggest you disengage from me.
NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, MUTTONHEAD.
@uranianUmbra#4373 @tipsyGnostalgic#2248 @golgothasTerror Ahem. Slumber party! Tonight. Starting ASAP. Haul your rumps over here. I have all the necessary preparations.
Cronus is here.
I hear the pleas of the masses. But the solution here is NOT more wanton violence. No matter how you may strike this miserable starving poonhound, you will not deter him from the table! ... There is only one weapon left in my artillery. A single lethal projectile by which to silence this fool.
Minor domestic dispute. Mind your own honey beeswax.
@aeneasCaldarium Come over.
Me? No. I'll DM you the coordinates. Let me know if you need to facilitate the interdimensional jump.
Swell. See you for dinner.
Unreal Heiress, play Mr. Blue Sky by Electric Light Orchestra.
Oh.
... I will concede. Gamzee Makara thwarted my security detail and proceeded to knock the seeds straight out of my melon. A handful of times. A handful of dozen of times, if his posts are to be believed. Pardon me if I have trouble keeping count. But they say that the way to a man's heart ultimately is through his stomach. And folks, have I EVER got supper in the oven.
DON'T YOU WORRY. YOUR FAMILIARITY WITH THE INTERIOR OF KITCHEN APPLIANCES IS ABOUT TO SPREAD BEFORE YOU LIKE A VAST NEW TERRITORY. YOU ARE NOT GOING IN THE FRIDGE. I WILL MAKE YOU BEG ME FOR THE COOL REPRIEVE OF THE CRISPER DRAWER. BUSTER, WE ARE HAVING GAMBURGER HELPER FOR DINNER! YOU'RE GOING HEAD FIRST INTO THAT FUCKING OVEN!!!!! #nsfw #violence #gore
Guh.
Er. No, sorry. Don't go. It's fine. I guess. :|
[ A blurry, pink-tinted photo of a bloody sleeveless hand wrapped so hard around Gamzee's neck that his eyes and tongue bulge out like Bart Simpson. He is missing several teeth, and the end of his clownish nose has been bitten so hard as to hang off by a thread. ] #nsfw #violence #gore
@caliglds
@terminallyCapricious#2753 GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE, YOU PUTRID STAIN ON THE SAPIENT WORLD!!!!!!!!!
I'll be careful bouncing his everloving DOME OFF THE FUCKING WALL.
DO NOT COME OVER WE'RE HHAVING CA CALM ADULT DFISCUTTSION GHET THE FUCK OFF OF ME
What? No. He's not going to do one on me.
CLEARLY I ASSUMED BETTER OF MYSELF AND HER PARADOXICAL ITERATIONS.
I have already considered this option and am prepared to dispel misinformation with haste!
...
Sniffle. Thank you.
Regarding @aeneasCaldarium's #CAGTTL. I have thoroughly reviewed both the content of these dossiers AND the general community backlash. My own personal revulsion aside, I must deliver down props where due for this greased-down reprobate's investigative chops. In a way, they're sales chops, and he is the community's MOST reviled door-to-door entrepreneur! It is a shame that burrowing betwixt the legs of a woman like a fat starving tick seems to occupy the greater share of his cognitive ability, because imagine what he could do if he weren't such a foaming pervert! I have seen the societal contributor that he is FIRSTHAND on the opposite face of the dimensional coin. Slight detraction: I wonder if Gameward has laid eyes on this open admission of desperation and his feelings on the matter. I must forward the guide to him later. BACK TO TOPIC. What else could I possibly say? Am I expected to unflinchingly take up the woman's side of this double shield wall? Normally, I say "very well, bub! And hand me that spear while you're at it!" But lordy, he has read you two so transparently that I daresay your iterations have COLLECTIVELY failed to preserve the mystery. He has you open like the morning paper, and you have permitted such prying eyes in exchange for the cheap thrill and the currency of fleeting romantic attention from a man you do not even actually want! There is a lesson about self-esteem to be delivered here by someone with a gentler touch than mine. For now, I shall simply say this. PLEASE, for the love of all womankind, get shrewd and don't just rummage for these cheap loose sexual extremities out of the bargain bin. #nsfw I guess.
Hrmmmm. You raise a good point.
I took a stroll on down to the marketplace of ideas and they had your shit marked down to bottom of the barrel MALARKEY clearance section. Yellow sticker scratch-and-dent. It was shoved under the fixture and coated in dust. They practically paid me to take it off their hands.
Scientists have discovered the fringe alternate timeline in which the human Creators are all British in origin. Everything is the same, practically speaking, but it's Rouse and Rouxy Lalonde.
What is this. Who sent this to me. What does it even mean. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/c85d6579cb53.png
OOC // the equally stupid expanded custom JANE KIN FLOWER https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/f67926165357.png
OOC // HAHAHAHA I CAN EXPLAIN I CAN EXPLAIN
A slight delay in TOTAL DRAMA ISLAND INTERDIMENSIONAL. #totaldramaisland #tdi @starPower Our beloved host has been BRUTALLY MAIMED in an assassination attempt by some bad actors gunning (quite literally, hoo!) for this production's downfall. Not even this charming dreamboat's namesake sponsored hairspray could shield his dome from a spray of nefarious projectiles. Chryss was healed posthaste, obviously, but like the bonafide Trollywood whiner he is, his contract of employment came with AMPLE allowance for time away from set in the case of his grievous injury. So we'll just be fine-tuning the sets and challenges in the meantime. Stay tuned!
Our sentiments exactly, dear viewer!
I assure you he'll be quite fine! Despite his ALLEGED pain and suffering.
Good gravy. Some of your posts are so downright disturbing I look over my shoulder in paranoid embarrassment when I happen upon them, knowing DARN WELL my chair is against a wall and I am alone in this office.
I did not crucify "a guy." I crucified Eridan, in a dedicated religious ceremony, both as an employer concerned with his professional development, AND... as a friend. A friend who determined he deserved it.
You fix that cockeyed suffix in your profile settings or flee my comment section.
I'VE BEEN HACKED.
HATE.
HATE.
This may the be the strangest message you'll ever receive but I do hope you'll take the time to read it and consider what I have to say. To put it simply, I would really appreciate it if the next time your birthday comes around you would request that your artist friends (who like to give you sexually oriented funnyman art as gifts) draw some funnyman other than Ron Swanson for you. The reason I ask this is that Ron Swanson is my fiance, and we're planning on getting married next June or July should everything go as planned financially speaking. And yes, I have actually found a wedding chapel that will let me marry someone that most people would consider a fictional character. Now before you go thinking "This girl is either completely crazy or just screwing with me." please hear me out on this. You see, I'm totally head over heels in love with Ron Swanson. I have been for about 11 months now and at this point I'm in a committed relationship with my Ronny. By that I mean I don't date anyone else, I don't sleep with anyone else, and I have zero interest in having any kind of relationship with anyone other than the stache I adore. I love him with all my heart and I'm 100% committed to that love. To express my love in a real tangible way I have a beautiful hand made custom Ron Swanson plushie that I can hug, kiss, cuddle up in bed to go to sleep with at night, and take out on the town to do all the fun things together that normal couples do. I take him out to eat at nice carnivorous restaurants, we go shopping together, I take him out for scotch, we do social activities together like hanging out with friends, seeing movies, etc. And I talk about him as if he is Ron, because to me he very much is. When I look at him I see Ron Swanson. When I talk with him I'm talking with Ron. When I hold him in my arms and kiss him there are no doubts in my mind that it's the funnyman I love who's lips are pressed against mine. And every morning when I open my eyes and see his head on the pillow next to mine, with his gorgeous furry lip staring back at me, I can't help but wonder how I ever got to be so lucky as to have a partner as smart, funny, handsome, and all around wonderful as him. All my friends and the people who know me well say that my love is a thing of beauty and quite admirable, but from the outside perspective of someone who doesn't know me you're probably going "Wow. That's pretty damn crazy." and wondering why I don't just go get a real husband. The truth is I've had plenty of real relationships and sexual partners in the 27 years I've been around. A few short relationships, one that lasted 7 years, and a total of 6 different sexual partners. So my love for Ron isn't out of a lack of real world intimacy or relationships, I just fell in love with him and my heart didn't give me much of a choice in the matter. But you know what? I'm totally happy with my love and my relationship. It may seem weird to you, but it fils me with joy every single day of my life and I've never been happier. So what if it's weird? If it makes me happy and it doesn't hurt anyone then where's the problem? I don't think there is one, and anyone who knows me well will tell you the same. Now your probably wondering why I'm telling you all this and how it concerns you. To you I'm sure Ron Swanson is just a cartoon character you think is really hot, so I imagine you wouldn't think anything of having your friends draw sexually explicit art of him as birthday gifts for you. And hey, I think he's really attractive too so I get where you're coming from there. I often go on pawneepussy.net and Rule34.Paheal to see what new erotic art people have drawn of him. But to me he's more than a sitcom character who's sexually attractive, he's my fiance who I love with all my heart and soon to be my husband. So it's been bothering me lately every time I go on those sites and see a dozen or so pieces of art people have drawn depicting my man in various sexual situations with the same person over and over, and that person happens to be you. Don't get me wrong here though, this isn't a jealousy thing. I'm very secure in my relationship. I know without question that Ron is just as faithful to me as I am to him, he's actually sitting on the couch next to me reading while I type this. He's very real to me and I know he's not sneaking out in the middle of the night to go have kinky sex with some famous artist. And I do respect your talent as an artist and an artist's creative freedom to draw whatever they want, that's cool. What bothers me is that in all these birthday images you've been getting Ron is always depicted as if he was your sexual plaything, drawn wearing a collar with your name on it or with a speech bubble saying something that would somehow suggest he was your property. And I know quite well that Ron Swanson is not your plaything nor your property, he's my fiance. So that bugs me a bit. What I find really loathsome though is your pension for degrading my partner in both your art and the fan art you've been receiving lately. Ron is a sweet and fairly vanilla little man who I treat with the utmost love and respect, and he definitely does not deserve to be portrayed as some kind of sexual slave who likes being dressed up in sleazy attire, wearing a coller, getting sodomized, and having his face ejaculated on. He's not into that kinda stuff and the fact that there's someone out there inthe world such as yourself who would desire to treat Ron that way, and have his friends support and validate his desires to demean and mistreat my partner by drawing pictures of him doing so, really does bother me. I don't take any issue with people having kinky sex as long as both parties consent to it and enjoy it, but I know quite well that my Swanny has no desire whatsoever to be treated like that. So next year, when your birthday comes around, keep in mind that Ron Swanson isn't just a lifeless caricature of masculinity to be objectified for your sexual gratification. He's the partner of someone who loves him very much, and by that time their husband. So both myself and Ronny would greatly appreciate it if you'd pick someone else to request erotic art of four birthday. Based on the very large amount of different staches you draw art of I imagine there has to be many other funnymen you find sexually attractive. I assume you'll probably just dismiss this message as the ramblings of a crazy person and likely ignore it, but if by chance you do take what I've had to say to heart, well... we'd appreciate it. #nsfw
ARGH!!@!
I'VE BEEN HACKED, YOU ABSOLUTE DIMWIT. LOOK AT THE GRAMMATICAL ERRORS ON THIS POST. IT WAS CLEARLY PENNED BY SOME INFLAMMATORY NINCOMPOOP.
What ever.
I refuse to indulge another fleeting masturbatory trend on this feed. I will NOT be partaking in "Smash" or "Pass." However. ... Like this chit and I will assign you "S" or "P." ... For these purposes, they refer to "sponge" and "pound" cake, respectively. :|
Sponge cake. Why the face. :|
... Poundcake.
P. :|
Ahem. I would be remiss NOT to take a brief recess from Crockercorp's annual Conference for Key Market Engagement Strategy to wish a VERY happy Mother's Day... To my future self. :B To all the things you will accomplish, the foremost of which today includes an ASPIRATIONAL quantity of perfect progeny. Congratulations. <3
Ugh, no.
Absolutely not.
Why thank you, my dear Mr. Kerian. :B
How do I unrepost this.
SOME unanticipated hurdles in transporting some of the TOTAL DRAMA ISLAND INTERDIMENSIONAL contestants from their home dimensions to Earth-C, but trust we will emerge from behind these minor roadblocks victorious! Chryss has been running point guard on congratulating our contestants on their entry, but I'll be delivering the remainder of those messages this evening. Keep your eyes peeled.
I've still yet to discover an iteration of myself I like better than the one who was, and I quote, "Married to Freddy Fazbear." We've bridged the gap from believability into full-on novelty at that point. MORE, I say. Get stupider while you're at it. You may accuse me of sarcasm all you want, but I happen to miss her every single day. Shine on, you beautiful ninny.
Oh, heavens to Betsy, no. That would make too much sense! It is (hold onto your tailored britches) a cartoon animal!
How do you know about that.
Rest assured that once you DO receive some official Crocker family portraiture, it will NOT be me sporting one measly half-feathered hellspawn. In fact, what you OUGHT to picture is a room-stifling crowd of well-bred heirs and heiresses. FORGET the Quiverfull. Mother's loading another mag. She's about to riddle the streets with twenty more. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/4ead170a8217.PNG
I knew you of all people would understand. Frankly, decent company is so hard to come by these days; LET ALONE those who actually understand the desire of a young woman to have it all. Professional accolades, a family. This is quite typical to human society, and yet my tender yearning is CONSTANTLY rebuffed by the hating general public.
To address your concerns in order: 1.) I will employ droves of private tutors, governesses and other such instructors. Also, my father will be capable of overseeing house staff's quality of child-rearing while administering his own Pop-pop time onto his beloved grandbabies. Nannasprite, too. 2.) No qualms with absorption of the twin. I picture the battle to emerge as the first trial of many for my little slapstick debutantes. Survival of the fittest. Although I am pretty sure their digs will acommodate for wombmates. It's like the land of milk and honey in there.
<333333333 I can picture it already! :B
... I suppose I like that you... ... Er. The hair is- nice. It looks like a big old handlebar mustache on my dome. ... Gamzee has kindly decided to dress up for the event. In a cocktail dress. I see. This is about the level of abomination I anticipated from this spawn strictly drawing from my own shallow perceptions of the name, so sure. A nice caricature of the worst timeline. Good... Good job. Bully for you. It's going right on the fridge... bottom. The underbelly of the fridge. That is where human beings store their MOST treasured possessions.
DELETE THIS POST I WAS LOBOTOMIZED.
Unreal Heiress, play WHERE IS MY HUSBAND! by RAYE. On loop.
Give it a listen and then "gurl" me.
GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN.
THERE WERE FIVE CAKES ON THE COUNTER. WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM.
Ideas for lusii. Open to feedback. A lusus that's just a basketball-sized amoeba. A sloth lusus too slow to escape the sunrise. Lifespan of one day. Sunfish lusus. Feeds its charge with its giant useless body. Fifty-seven bite holes. Swimming around like swiss cheese.
Just daydreaming in this board meeting.
This is actually helpful context.
Oh. Thank you. I... happen to have something of a passive interest in the subject.
I only cry once a year, on the anniversary of Mitch Hedberg's death. Rest in peace, Mitch. You were the sexiest man who ever lived.
I loved Mitch Hedberg in the way you collapse into the arms of a man's own grieving widow for. All self-respect out the window.
Like this post and I'll tell you if there's an iteration of your person on this platform I like more than you. Frankly, this ought to be a slam dunk for some of you.
@honerableHeir Is the misspelling of "honorable" on purpose. Am I missing a play on words, here?
What a sparkling endorsement of my future you are already.
Nevermind; I take it back. You're quite darling.
Another one. :B I have much to discuss with the both of you. Although... it seems you're not amenable to direct messaging.
What on God's green Earth is a "tsundere." Should I be offended.
MY WHAT. >:( This is why I got Invisalign. :|
This is a ridiculous accusation. I am a completely normal, well-adjusted adult. I am capable of average expressions of sentiment without restraint or hesitation. I'm just surrounded by absolute ninnies at every turn.
What the fuck was I going on about flan for.
Phew-whee. That was an exercise in indulgence to be sure, my dear!
@gynarchsGoverness UNREAL HEIRESS, I WILL NOT COMMISSION YOU AN ANDROID CHASSIS. STOP SENDING ME THIS FUCKING IMAGE. #nsfw I am pretty sure. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/3b3457465b20.jpg
Hold on. Direct messaging you.
It might be wise to tag this.
Heterosexual this and homosexual that. Where in blue blazes are my metrosexual scumbags in their skinny scarves and deep V-neck shirts??? Am I suddenly describing an endangered species? A relic lost to time? No one remembers 2011???
;B
You certainly got your own self stuck on impact. :P
I used the word metrosexual one meager singular piddling time and my notification tab instantly became an Ampora glue trap.
Perhaps. :B
There exists a devoted sect of Life worshippers who have diverted MY personal scripture and convinced themselves under false pretenses I cannot steward my raw force of Creation while also reaching my professional goals. Which would be nonsense, but ignorable nonsense- except they continue to send me this image. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/0682dcbf30c6.png
WHAT DOES *THAT* MEAN?
Calling me "mistress" forces me to consider the deeper implications of this gesture.
Oh. My god. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/d6fee404b14a.jpeg
Batter on his mind!
https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/182598789468.png
What does this even mean?
Movie night with Dirk. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/98bf3461dbed.jpg
For you, I could stand to spare it.
Chittr is unprepared for the unlikely friendship bridging Jane Crocker and Folykl Darane.
@freakNasty We have our first fanmail submission. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/738eef8934d7.gif
https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/4292088a96fa.png
Tavros Nitram is dead to me. #JaneTavIsOverParty
https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/f0c8f55d2532.jpeg
INQUIRING ON AN OPEN FORUM where an aesthetic disappeared to in the miasma of masculine culture is NOT professing a personal interest.
Ahem. Good morning, Chittrlings. I hope we can all find it within ourselves to proceed with a touch more decorum today! No need to drag yesterday's moronics across calendar lines.
FUUG SELF BURN ENEVERMIND.
NOp pfp prpoabyl ugly.
HEllo juneBug I am feeloign just wsweell thisn end of thre xcreen no ned to worryaboute me.
Fatastics news althgiuh it ius true my vehiclke waas ramemed by a woudkl b e assassdin I beleive Iahave escaped the incivdenrt weith minor if not rnegligibel injurie.s #safes
Oh!!! :B <333
... :B Much to the chagrin of my opposition, I am not going anywhere.
Yes, that does seem to be the rule!
Ahem. Brain bleed. I'm fine. All tidied up. I suppose I will be attending this webinar in my god-jamas. :|
OOC // no one's ready for the jane kin onion https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/810b942aea2f.png
Ahem. Tonight would be preferable.
I. I would like that.
Maybe It Would Be Easier If You Just Came To The Brooding Caverns And Held One Or Six They Are Quick To Become Jealous Since Typically Being Held Is Advantageous To Surviving You Can Never Hold Just One
Eugh. <:| Disappointing.
God forbid I ask the real questions in my quest to become ever-more educated on the subject of trolls. Such as this. Does a fresh-hatched grub have that warm buttered-baby scalp scent, or would I find the odor repulsive. Like a burning tire skidmark. We may need to test this hypothesis in real time. @grimAuxiliatrix
Clearly you're unfamiliar with my myriad of Terran privileges.
If you let this flop I will get worse. Not in the way you'd like me to.
#LetJaneSmellTheCaverns #ForScience Get it trending.
Your own hand might do in a pinch! Or you could cruise the classic route and STUFF AN F-ING SOCK IN IT.
No durr!! ... Hold a moment.
?? Bobo.
On the subject. Have you considered a diaper for your ceaseless spewing maw.
Unreal Heiress, play P. Control by Prince.
I know what I'm about, son.
That would be Nunnya Biznys.
I am proud to announce that I will be THE FIRST human interloper to set foot within the brooding caverns of Earth-C. This was mostly borne of olfactory curiosity, but I shall keep you, the curious public, posted on my findings.
??????????????????????????????
... Sir. You win. I can't compete with this caliber of effortless codgerly flaming. "They can't insult you if you can't comprehend it. You go low? I'll pick my nose and eat it."
Oh my lord. This is like scrounging for banter in the dementia ward. You are actually successfully baiting me into caring whether or not you receive my point. I am mashing the square peg into the round hole. CATCH OF THE DAY, FOLKS. WE JUST REELED IN A WHOPPER.
Somehow the factual basics of social media have EXPLODED into a conversation on the philosophy on life and interpersonal relationships. I am telling you, in concrete terms, how it works. Your personal preferences are kind of irrelevant here. It's the established norm. You can wear your hat on your rump; no one can stop you; but we've all agreed that isn't where it goes. :B
It is. Thank you for noticing.
That's what the bio is for. Common information by which you can cut a stranger's jib. Do you think people describe themselves publically under the assumption that no one will read it? Mega durr.
Are you perhaps new to social media or generally concussed.
Slow blink. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/795713d81b61.PNG
You're fine. :B
No, no. Let's dissect this assertion. What about me being corporate do you consider "weird," given that I spearhead a literal megacorporation. I'd like to know exactly how this differs from your expectations of a woman in my position. Please expound on this brilliant point.
In honor of #fishingfriday, I'd like to commemorate the most DESIRABLE CATCHES the parasocial users of this platform are endlessly baiting their hooks over. Beware: - The REASSURANCE REAPER. Most commonly downplaying their own social prowess (although at this point I think you people might be grading yourselves quite fairly). - The SYMPATHY SIFTER. Did you purchase yourself a coffee this morning? Good for you. They've never tried it. The purpleblood that keeps them locked in their basement makes them lick dirty puddle water from the dripping rusty pipes. They will make this your problem. - The SEXUAL ATTENTION SCAVENGER. No description for this one. I didn't say his name, but he popped up in your mind, didn't he?
All hail his majesty the reading comprehension king!
Shall I count my numerous praises for you, my dear Folykl? :B You are the ONLY person I will trust with a microphone at the next event I need to send the crowd screaming and spewing.
YOU are possibly worth scraping the bottom of my shoes with your miserable lunch-stained mouth.
Unfortunately, the public demands microcoddling.
GREAT START. THANKS. THANK YOU KINDLY. :| ... You are. An iteration of one of the people I hold most dearly in my life. So by proxy I suppose a portion of that care extends to you. See, this is harder when you come swinging lecherously out of the gate.
... Oh. It's you. Ahem. I actually have no complaints regarding your account. You seem decently intelligent and pleasant to be around. I... also enjoy the color scheme of your profile.
Ok. I can tell I am stomping the gas pedal on the general populace with undeserved vigor. We're #niceposting now. React and I will say something nice to you.
Which of these #BettyBother legacy emojis are you? https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/457f6937724c.PNG
Make sure to counterfeit your service dog vest. You may not be permitted into a civic building otherwise. Also what. It's my company. I retain majority stock. I'm not hired by an external board. Are you daft or what!
Your lack of comprehension is not really my burden to bear! Hire a tutor!
WHO EVEN ARE YOU.
My #SignatureScent is not a fragrance which can be purchased "off the rack," as it were. It is olfactory couture, and the formula is proprietary. You would know it instantly if you smelled it, but recreating the exact proportions is impossible. It is like the formula for Coca-Cola that way! It has been engineered- shall we say maximized?- for the precise balance between the natural pH of my skin and the underlying chemical signals. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/a2e25cb205f3.png
I'm so proud of her. :B
You dope. It can't be purchased. What part of proprietary don't you understand.
And by "we," I mean Eridan.
We had to kill SO many whales to curate the correct blend of ambergris.
Obviously we're workshopping a #SignatureScent for @caligulasAquarium. I believe we're nearing the final result. Give him a sniff if you ever have the chance. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/2563b639e71b.png
... What. Really.
Doggone it, that is the funniest possible answer anyone could have come up with. You picked me the most succulent fruit right off the dialogue tree.
... Nothing. Nevermind. <:|
@carcinologyGenarch Quirk is fine. Timeless, even. But why do you look like that.
@introvertedInnovator Readable. Makes you sound sort of mealy-mouthed. If that's your intention, well done.
@advantageousCatharsis Horrible. Change it.
Like this chit and I'll tell you if your typing quirk is moronic, based purely on a superficial skim of your profile.
Thank you, Loser, and good luck to you! :|
@grimAuxiliatrix I am en route to the brooding caverns. Do I need. I don't know. A poncho. Is it going to be sticky. Or slime-ish. Should I change out of my suit. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/d494e2a4b84f.jpg
DO NOT enter the brooding caverns if you are unprepared to be covered in dozens of crawling, squirming, greasy infant-sized larvae with semi-sapient eyes.
What the hell.
History indeed! :B That is an excellent summation of your person! You are history.
I would bet my hat you just hunched forward over your desk to formulate that response. Shall we continue to go back and forth over which of us is POSITIVELY NOT BOTHERED? It must be a difficult pill to swallow for a woman who once imagined eternity sprawled before her and then got her everloving shit rocked. How should I say this. You're being let go; your department's being downsized; you're part of an outplacement; we're going in a different direction. Your services among sapient civilization will no longer be required. Enjoy that hot pink slip. :B
Dear god. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/7d4308246c45.PNG
They say perfection is the enemy of good (humor)! - Also me, also just now.
HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO.
You keep telling yourself that! Something tells me your alternates would find this mortifying.
You assume this is some puritanical rant. I am merely swiping at the low hanging fruit, here. Whoops. No pun intended. Anyhow, that's disappointing. You've made an object of yourself. Not very regal.
I visited your page again to take another crack at your score. Did you post your nudes. :|
Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. You understand it better, but the frog dies. - Jane Crocker, thirty seconds ago.
Now I see. THIS is a helpful clarification.
... Why is this demonstration of taste being perceived negatively.
Oh heavens to motherfucking Betsy; is THIS the mollycoddling language the people are using by the tips of their metaphorical toes? Just call me fat at that point.
Hold your noes. We're still receiving the data on this matter.
It may very well be.
HOLD A MOMENT. I've only just recalled an inquiry I have been toting from several days ago. WHAT is a chubby chaser. <:| #nsfw I presume.
You go listen to Too Young to Die on Jamiroquai's EMERGENCY ON PLANET EARTH album and tell me he wasn't a stealth agent for the human resistance. What did he know??? https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/14a55fa7b1f8.jpeg
You ought to report this to a news outlet. The world will be UTTERLY SHOCKED at the prospect that JANE CROCKER might not be gung-ho and slinging placation about this hippie-dippie commune living. Also. *Closed-minded. And also *after all. This concludes our interaction. You're dismissed.
My eyes are simply glazing over at the thin, cheap veneer of these reassurances.
I posted a single innocuous inquiry about chubby chasing, and the clown is ALREADY standing outside my home office window. How he managed to bypass the estate security is anyone's guess, but also utterly predictable. He's out there posing like Justin Beiber. On his way to make One Less Lonely (Fat) Girl. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/2172617eea7f.jpeg
Oh, what. :| Don't look so shocked. It's only natural.
NO NO, don't explain. Let us not kill the frog. I get it. :P
Hmmmm! :B
I have a shocking innovation of reproductive processes to posit here. That's when you have another one! :B
There exists a singular ailment BEYOND my abilities as a healer to remedy alone. It's called Baby Fever, and it has only one cure.
Apparently he's not the only one.
IT WASN'T THAT BAD. GOOD LORD. This is why I button up on the feed. I am surrounded by lily-livered false idols of perversion. What's the term. You people are LARPing.
Alright. DM incoming.
I don't know that you'd fare much better, missy!!!
Showed @caligulasAquarium ONE PRIVATE INBOX with an old flame and he was too mortified to snoop through my phone any further. He's been slumping with his forehead against the car window for eight minutes.
Again, you dizzy old broad. What do you mean "will be." The troll population of Earth-C is centuries in the making.
You're odd.
NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!!
APPARENTLY THEY CAN!!!!!!
I think I've somehow given you the false impression that I'm open to interacting with you on the regular.
Horrifying private discussion with @bulgeCurator. ... This is no quasi-psychic charlatan. I think they might actually be able to see it. <:| #nsfw
The #totaldramaisland auditions are ROLLING IN. We are pleased to report a BUMPER CROP of eligible candidates. Please continue to post your submissions and to tag myself and @starPower. ... I WISH you could read what I'm reading. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/e01183f9898c.png
Rufioh. Not even remotely the name of the program!!!
Hoo hoo hoo hoo!
Prayer received! Thank you for the token of worship.
If you find these posts overwhelming, may I suggest you cease munching shrimps with the wimps and sample some lobster with the monster?
Some of you perverted reprobates ought to have your physical addresses reclassified as Superfund sites. I shudder to imagine what encrustation of bodily material hazards your F-ing dwellings. No, hold on. My moment in the seer's hood. I'm receiving a vision. Mmhmm. Yes. :| Some of you have stalactites hanging over your computer desks. I shan't say what of. #NSFW #NSFWE at this point.
It's good for your growth to have aspirational goals. Might I suggest anything else in the whole world?
THIS ONE WINS.
Beautiful location. Considering a timeshare.
Everyone wants to be the biggest pervert in the sherbert.
Oh, I think we all surmise you're in need of pointers.
Get your ineffectual geriatric troll keisters off my post.
Are YOU excited for #TotalDramaIslandInterdimensional?
LIKE IT'S MY FAULT THEY FORMULATED HIS CASTING TO MAKE HIM THE OBVIOUS SCENE-STEALING MINX HE IS. I am telling you. They are doing it on purpose.
Sopranos Tier List. Correct opinions only. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/ea90f699102e.PNG
https://macmillanenglish.com/level-test/
And your response was to inform me that he's gay? As if THAT is the barrier to our great romance? RATS. Otherwise, I could have had him!!! (Mega durr goes here.)
Why would I care that a fictional character is gay.
... I regret to report that I have become derailed from my own thought processes while attempting to formulate a proper Breaking Bad tier list. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/0ffcae3e3db3.PNG
Twilight. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/fc3814af138a.PNG
:P
https://macmillanenglish.com/level-test/
https://macmillanenglish.com/level-test/
Like this post if you consider yourself an extremely forgettable member of the Chittr userbase to be entered into a random undisclosed lottery. Real nobodies only.
@obliqueDetourer https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/0046055a3877.gif
Absolutely.
As long as they don't call me late for supper!
Yes, durr.
They call me Prank Sinatra.
Where did you even get this.
Unreal Heiress, play Ain't No Rest for the Wicked by Scott Bradlee's Postmodern Jukebox.
Of what fame?
... Nothing. Proceed.
Ah, yes. The majestic lusus in its natural habitat. @affableCantor https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/9932b36b6e4c.gif
As it so happens, that's what he said, too.
It doesn't matter what quality of beautiful, EXPENSIVE heirloom glacial char fillet kitchen staff feeds @caligulasAquarium for dinner at my house. I WILL come downstairs for a glass of water at three AM and find him eating the head, guts and bones out of the fridge. Apparently they just save it for him in a bowl at this point. Why do I even bother. I'm about to start feeding him like a Sea World intern. Whole critter right into his open maw.
Apparently!!! <:|
STOP ASKING ME IF NANNASPRITE IS SINGLE. YOU COULDN'T HANDLE IT.
WHAT?
That is a lofty ask to make of her. :B
Could you better explain the point you're making. I'm having trouble tracking it.
Just checked. It's Meenah. Saw her most recent submission. I think it's fairly safe to assume my initial point stands.
Are the Peixes even associated with culinary hobbies? This feels like a reach.
I'm not competing, dingbat.
I could never audition for #AngelsNutritionBlock as my sheer culinary prowess would tank the competitive spirits of the other amateur contestants. But please rest assured I WILL be watching this evening, popcorn in hand.
Hoo! Oh, I presume it would. Come, now. You're alive and well. You certainly have some years of wisdom on these youngsters. Why so shy?
AHEM. I may circulate this post for the afternoon and evening crowds again, so don't be surprised if you see a repost. Here are the details for the next season of TOTAL DRAMA ISLAND INTERDIMENSIONAL. Our roster will include: - Twelve trolls, rust through violet castes. Two will be permitted to enter as hemoanonymous. - Four carapacians. - Eight human beings. - Two wildcards. Sprites, cherubs, and species otherwise not listed here. The grand prize for winning will be a fast track to sleazy tabloid fame, a small fortune, and *one* favor of your choice granted by myself. TOTAL DRAMA ISLAND INTERDIMENSIONAL will be sponsored by Crockercorp and air exclusively on the Bettybroadcast Worldwide network (BBW). You have until May 1st to get your auditions in, at which point we will announce the final cast! We will begin live broadcasting on May 11. Please *Read* and fill out the attached form to audition. https://forms.gle/4LzUEzdjbB3ijuqD8 #totaldramaisland
:B
Instantaneous fan of the Bland Highblood. @terminallyCapricious#2753 Have you ever considered corking your relentless blithering and taking the ultimate vow of silence? The eternal STFU? @tropophilicCharades Perhaps you could supply your new pupil with some pointers.
Ahem. Due to several auditions having been submitted for TOTAL DRAMA ISLAND INTERDIMENSIONAL without the final tapes being published to the feed, @starPower and I are allowing an emergency final 24 hours for any remaining submissions. Please feel free to message me directly with any inquiries. See @starPower's pinned post for submission details. The broadcast will begin on May 11th. See you there!
... Whatever.
OH BECAUSE HE WAS GAY SHE HAD A CRUSH ON HIM AND HE WAS GAY IS THAT YOUR JOKE YOU COCKFUCKING BUFFOON IS THAT THE BEST YOU CAN DO? MAYBE SHE SHOULD HAVE MARRIED THE GAY COUPLE!!!! ... What are we even arguing about right now.
AND THE FUSE THING GIVES ME THE CREEPS.
Your "brother?" You mean said underdeveloped lump, foisting his parental issues onto his partner? Sounds about right.
... I'd like that.
Just watched Together with Alison Brie and Dave Franco. I still can't tell how I feel about that ending. :( Why couldn't they simply have gotten married in the beginning. A girl guts herself open to take the onus of the proposal into her own hands (#girlboss #doitinfrontofpeople #sohecantsayno) and they drag her through ALL OF THAT? ... Poor thing. What a lump of dead weight they saddled her with.
More than a baking rant coming. A baking tirade, if you will.
I love that it censored my cake.
A RAPID FIRE SUMMATION OF MY OPINIONS ON VARIOUS METHODS OF CAKE DECORATION. Part one of ???. VINTAGE LAMBETH CAKES. Starting off on a complimentary note. Ah, my sweet Lambeth. Do give Lambeth Method of Cake Decoration and Practical Pastries by Mr. Joseph A. Lambeth himself a read if you're ever looking to expand your horizons. When done skillfully and with a tactful selection of colors, this layered piping method, all buttercream, can BOTH harken back to timeless luxury AND hop aboard whatever stupid internet aesthetic trend you've decided to embody until all its juice has run out on social media and you're stood holding the dry husk of those Walmart Valentine cakes. Heck, even done UNskillfully, I find the execution charming. The uneven shells and scrolls, all layered together, still culminate in a hot homemade mess worth digging into. Sisters, not octuplets. My ONLY CRITICISM. You will have to discard uneaten frosting at the end of your slice. The frosting ratio is imbalanced due to the superficial demands of the style. But you will find that the hours of intricate detailing smooth your psyche into a flat, winding path upon which you may cruise away the empty afternoon. Unfulfilled housewives with a #substance problem, this is the method for you. Forget your useless husband and children exist as you perfect the sugar fleur de lis. Also, color composition matters in this method matters. The MORE colors you use, the further you drift from cake couture to... homemade-fancy-frill? Monochromatic is most formal. Base color with white trim is cocktail attire. Base color plus different color trim (usually in pastels) is down to semiformal. Adding fruit knocks you down another peg. You will find this timeless method coupled with a myriad of ridiculous internet trends, as all metaphorical reheated nachos are wont to be. See: the bleeding heart-shaped cake with the knife sticking out. Something something Taylor Swift. Frankly, I say send her rear end back to country music. She's not doing anything for the pop genre in which she's been granted residency. Anyhow, try frosting a Lambeth sometime. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/ace092e2fe0d.png
Added to the list!
The Alternian Empire did a couple of things right and that was one of them.
That might be the nicest thing you've ever said to me!
I have a special hatepost reserved for Cake Boss cakes.
A RAPID FIRE SUMMATION OF MY OPINIONS ON VARIOUS METHODS OF CAKE DECORATION. Part two of ???. Did I say rapid fire? I meant colonial musket speed. This one's going to be a compilation. Lambeth deserved his own post for reasons I hope are self-explanatory. SEPARATED TIER CAKES are most commonly depicted as VINTAGE WEDDING CAKES. You can probably imagine for yourself my reaction to the transformation of a fully edible dessert into something half-plastic, rendered more of a decorative centerpiece. Actually feels like a concession in luxury and labor. But trust me when I say it is nothing compared to those enormous wedding cakes made almost entirely of frosted styrofoam minus the base portion to be cut by the bride and groom. On all that is holy, there is a special place in Hell awaiting those who partake in THAT dullheaded custom. ... I do so love those vintage wedding toppers. Always pictured my own. ... Started doodling. Got distracted. MOVING ON. On the flip side, MINIMALIST CAKES. Can be frosted smoothly without the additional frills, perhaps with a simple texture. May only be crumb-coated. May only be jam-filled with frosting, fruit, or powdered sugar on top. If you were going for rustic- congratulations, you've arrived. If your goal was elegance, you had better hope and pray for a surgeon's hands as you smooth those edges. The well-made cake, inherently, is already a beautiful artifact. It is the natural instinct not to want to make up that which already sports perfect bone structure. Hat on a hat. Some people are into the hat-stacking dealie, if certain fatherly forums are to be believed, but let us give props to doing just enough and no more than that. ARGH. I keep looking at wedding cake toppers. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/7e73372b1570.png
Ok I am undispo indisposed for about an hour dur to circumstances. I will continues with my various baking opinions when my faculties can be scraped offiof the floor. Concept: a big ass fucking flan. What if we do one.
OOC // UPDATED PINNED POST Jane Crocker. Earth-C. Details below. https://gutsygumshoe-chittr.carrd.co/ https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/f0d6b970c1f1.png https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/04a43867d9bf.png https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/2b98abba0f13.png https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/b068a46fc3d1.png
:X !
I can't believe I have to say this, and I believe I speak for my cohorts when I say this, but I will not be entertaining any accounts actively engaging in #incest. Odd that it happened twice in a single day. Odder that they're iterations of familiar faces, but in the mathematical inevitability of the multiverse, some of you have incurred a substantial enough quantity of brain damage so as to no longer even remotely resemble yourselves. ... But I just thought it would make you- I don't know- type differently! Not pork your relatives!!! #nsfw I assume.
I don't even want to talk about it.
I don't know how all that nonsense works so I'm not dignifying this with an answer. Please consult a member of your species whom you consider not to be a scumbag and that ought to put a bow on it for you.
Could you... perhaps... expound on which portion of this message conveyed that sentiment?
I don't know if that counts.
Watching the twenty-four hour timer I set for myself before I can post another rant about baking. In the interest of maintaining a fair pace. I don't want to blow my wad prematurely. Not that I'm liable to run out of opinions.
Phrasing. Sorry.
My nutritionist said this to me before I terminated her off of payroll.
No need to flatter me.
Another important and yet apparently controversial note... NO. MORE. FONDANT. You went to the effort of baking, layering, frosting and assembling a cake. WHY would you cover it with an unpalatable layer of rubbery elephant skin? Say it with me. "We will not add inedible toppings to our desserts." Obviously if you are toothpicking paper dinosaurs onto Little Jimmy's birthday cupcakes, that is a different story. But if I see another cake studded with molar-shattering "edible" pearls, I am going to lose my marbles. And you dizzy people are going to scoop them all up and feed them to a bunch of adolescents, because that is how low you have allowed your confectionery bar to droop. But this is mostly about the fondant. If I attend your function and you make me peel my slice of cake like a chimp with a banana, I am going home.
Ok.
Oh good lord.
Waddle up to the podium and make your case, then. I will give you my open ears before I explain the ways in which you are mistaken!
It's yours.
I have downright DELIGHTED in the company of a select number of you. This platform has introduced me to the most unlikely of cohorts, and unearthed common ground I might have never otherwise excavated. I almost forgive the rest of you for running around with your feverish hand down your trousers. #nsfw I guess.
cmonnnnn it's the internet janey ur gonna see all kinds of shit gooners are a uhhhhhh proud and noble folk valiantly fighting off repression or smtn #nsfw
Why does your bio say that you entered a romantic relationship with your own mother.
I'm going to block you now.
By George, who is that charming little horse thing?
Hate.
My ultimate social dividends. Behold the new badge.
No comment. :B
Oh, great. ... Well, one of us is going to have to change.
https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/46ff7da0ab94.PNG
The true derper is equally as fickle and must be tactfully swayed.
Good morning! The correct answer to what should top a pizza is either plain pepperoni, meat lover's with pineapple, or nothing. Enough with the vegetables and let us stop deluding ourselves.
I guess if it's a matter of dietary insufficiency or something!!
... I'm listening.
... IF I DECLINE PTO ON A BLACKOUT DATE BUT OFFER TO HEAL YOUR AILING MOTHER, I HARDLY FIND IT GROUNDS FOR COMPLAINT! ... Did we fire him? ... Oh, right.
I enjoy you just a touch more each time we interact.
Why would it hurt when you... nevermind. I don't want to know.
NO "WE" HAVE NOT.
... I know of it.
Woman, if you have something you intend to imply, I suggest you slap it down on the table where the brave girls lay their thoughts.
Oh. Then yes, as opposed to having ever contracted something directly.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN CROCKERCORP ANONYMOUS. @crockercorpAnonymous Dispense with this endeavor and delete this account immediately. Who is this.
OOC // ok you people made me oocpost for the first time which i wasnt going to do and wont do again if i can help it but the person being referenced about "being sensitive about doubles" is currently at work but would like to pass along that they were making that comment 100% ic and do not care about doubles LOL. they are not kinning and do not actually care and are totally ok with doubles. but now that their comment in-character has been misconstrued as like REAL WORLD GRIEF somehow i'm just issuing a small statement on their behalf if someone was offended by an IC comment made by a character you DO have the right to block them rather than vagueposting them multiple times ooc. not encouraging counter-hate back to those people cause i dont think any of us give a fuck but. just reminding you thats an option LOL
Based on current iclinations. Subject to change. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/91c141f38920.PNG
Of course you did, you goose. :B
Why else would they call you "Itchy" to the point of self-identification.
THERE is the brand of abrupt histrionics I almost enjoy from a remote distance.
Because I know the human beings better than I know the trolls. Doy.
Oh, don't be so sensitive. :B I'll give you my opinion on you in more than paltry ranking. When I form one. Off to a shaky start.
Itcheresting. After some digging, you may be of some interest to me.
I'm fine. I'm composed. Don't worry about it. This has all been a test. ... Of the Mustache Red Alert System.
No.
I don't need a wing man! I'm not taking flight! This vessel is planting its squat behind FIRMLY on the ground, Goose!
I don't think it was at all that serious. I just caught glimpse of his face on my scroll.
I notice he's not following you.
I question the legitimacy of your connection.
I keep a healthy arm's-length skeptical grip on all these metaphorical gullets, thank you!
Is absolutely no one going to check on @centaursTesticle ?? He seems to have been poisoned. ... It's making for some hilarious timeline fodder, but I'm bordering on concerned he'll croak. Just make sure whomever finds him deposits him somewhere I can access the cadaver, if you please. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/8320cb97ab90.PNG
What, why! @centaursTesticle You giddyup on over here when you're finished, sudsy. You need a couple spurs to the hiney and I've got some concrete water fixtures I need moved around.
Sorry the what.
... Something tells me you want to wear the dress. <:|
To settle a personal discussion I'm having. What is a reasonable number of children for a human woman to spawn in a period of twenty years. And don't exaggerate. This is a serious poll. ♥- 1 - 3 ♠- 4 - 6 ♦- 7 - 9 ♣- 10 - 12
Oh. I see.
You are a frothing degenerate.
THANK you.
Every waking moment of my life, and sometimes in my nightmares.
Not with hordes of house staff, nannies, governesses, private tutors and the like at my charge.
Just put real dollars on the line on whether or not Karkat Vantas gets his face kicked in by an opponent of reasonable strength. I have a feeling this one is sort of a layup.
@caligulasAquarium @timaeusTestified#0414 Official summons to extend your social courtesies to @anthelionsAlysm as fellow Princes. You're both welcome in advance. Now giddyup! :B
Oh fabled old Jesus Christ. NO.
Ok, ok. It's fine. I am simply introducing you to one of your peers. Friendlystyle.
You think you're the guy. Pally, you are not the guy. None of you at your peak could ever hope to become half as insufferable.
... You seem ok.
DELETE YOUR ACCOUNT PRONTO.
I don't want to dignify his existence with a name.
Anyway. That was a joke. My car is fine. I don't know which iteration of myself THAT fellow just sabotaged, but I am pretty certain my iteration of him is still in the dungeon where he belongs.
-- gutsyGumshoe's car exploded! --
Witching hour up to answer emails before I hit the hay a second time. If you find yourself unable to interact with my profile, I do NOT want you to extrapolate any quantity of personal dislike from the mere gesture of my block. It is possible you merely differentiate from the iteration of you to which I am accustomed SO MUCH that you have become unrecognizable. It is also possible that you repeatedly posted your genitalia. Finally, I don't think I have the psychological sand to interact with Troll Wendy Williams, or whomever the hell these Alternian pop culture equivalent figures are. The existence of those accounts in particular are simply too silly for me to wrap my head around. That's all.
Those of you who are just yourselves but girls don't count. That, unlike a few of you who seem to have been partially lobotomized, makes perfect sense.
Pardon.
Oh. Hoo hoo.
I don't mind, but I have no nostalgia for WW considering her type are a dime a dozen in the Creator-centric entertainment news sphere on Earth-C.
I am catching some shuteye and I say a quick bedside prayer to whichever deity of yore can ensure you're all fully dressed by sunup. Also, do not text your exes.
I will not be boarding this trend today or any day.
...
I've asked my social media intern how to properly convey that my meetings stretched well into the evening and it will be morning before I can complete my shill obligations. As someone who prides herself on crushing a deadline, I hope this sums it up. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/bc7661d06e7b.jpg
Yes, you sure stuffed your gob like a fat suckling piglet. SIR.
You posted this as if I couldn't see you mocking the numbers game on your very own profile. :P
Yes, I think he blushed! You could suck a mollusk straight off the oyster bed with- you know what I am prematurely ending this comparison.
I warn you all in advance that I have a whole heap of self-assigned homework to attend to after close of business day. If I turn your feed blue, apologies in advance. So many of you are curious about what desserts I would associate with you, and I am prepared to answer with, as promised, varying degrees of effort based on my whims in that very moment. I'm officially announcing final call on that post, so hop on the wagon while I've still got the tarp open, little Ingalls. Found under my profile.
My vague perception of you.
Initiate Get Badge protocol. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/7e1e90902e91.PNG
Thank you! ... That was ominous.
Ten reacts and I'll share the plot of the godfiction that made me lobby for the criminalization of godfiction on Earth-C.
Ahem. Those who followed instructions first, as planned. Then the rest of you. @tabescentGlamour ... Ok. I opened your profile to peruse your writings and I have questions about at least one of the words in your bio. At first glance you seem to be taking up a profession which requires the capture of your peers' attention, apparently at any cost- including your own modesty. You don't have to put on the thigh highs. I think that's a song by The Police. So I would pretty much forego a dessert of any real substance and assign you something flashy and overpriced, meant to drop rumps into seats. Here's the Sugar Factory goblet cocktail. https://tinyurl.com/5n6t4we5
No. I advise you to chew an Adderall and push through.
And yet you immediately participated! :B
Nothing. Just calling it as I see it.
React to this post and I'll assign you the dessert I would associate most closely with you, with varying degrees of effort and interpretation based upon how much I enjoy you or remotely give a hoot about your existence.
And yet they didn't comprehend my simple instructions.
There's always a stark difference between those who worship at the Altar of Life/Hope/what have you and those who have a personal, professional, or political stake in the public-facing Creator personas. One is more... reverent, I suppose, but the latter makes for such superior conversation.
As aesthetically pleasing as a tall, decorative swirl of hearty buttercream looks atop a cupcake, several considerations are at play. Is the crumb of the cake substantial enough that the cupcake itself isn't top-heavy? You cannot simply rely on a foil liner to prevent the little dolt from flopping over. When you take a bite into dense frosting, you will find yourself underwhelmed by the base sponge. The whole experience is ruined!!! The simple truth of the matter is that you NEED a denser, richer cake base for tall frosting-toppers for both weight distribution and a cohesive textural experience. And if we're getting extremely controversial today, some of you are getting a little too gung-ho and WAY overfrosting your cupcakes. You can overfrost a cake for aesthetic purposes because you eat the slice with a fork, and can portion out your sponge-to-filling-to-frosting ratio with each bite. It is amateurish, but it's less of a hate crime. But when you are unwrapping a cupcake, and the swirl atop is plumb tall as your dadgum nose, HOW are you supposed to eat it? If you need a fork to attack what is meant to be a simple handheld treat, you have failed in its assembly and should be ashamed. Ok, my receptionist is telling me not to use the word ashamed. You have failed in its assembly and... I am very disappointed in you.
You continue to have good opinions. Why are you homeless right now.
I've been told to rephrase my inquiry to sound more sensitive to your predicament. What happened to make you homeless right now.
Not ideal. I'm familiar with the tactic. Errr. Right. Well, bully for you. I'd have offered to put you up somewhere, but at this point I never know which if you is off-planet and which are actually within my range of aid.
... Yes, it seems you do. :B Your business and your taste. Feel free to keep me posted directly on your progress.
Sometimes you just hate to see someone bastardizing the purity of one's craft as a quick attention-grab.
Now, that is downright serendipitous! :B https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/6944337cc43f.PNG
Speaking of breakfast. ♥ - The whole shebang. Eggs, bacon and sausage, toast, hash browns, pancakes/waffles. ♠ - The Continental. Pastries, yogurt, fruit, coffee, juice. ♦ - All the bacon and eggs. All of them. Bankrupt the kitchen. ♣ - No breakfast, like a dimwit.
I am almost certain I witness you consuming whole insects on a daily basis on the public feed, but ok. Who am I to argue with you? :B
Another would-be assassin apprehended at headquarters and now my coffee is taking forever. The in-house appearifier simply does something odorous to beverages that I prefer to go without. Nothing is as good as coffee hand-delivered by a sweating intern with flapping tie and grass-stained shoes.
Oh good lord. :|
Good morning, Chittr.
OH NOW THIS IS JUST EFFING RIDICULOUS. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/7069d50cd0cc.png https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/17db64adab59.png
Apparently that post spawned some additional submissions to my direct messages. This piece had no title. I'm not sure I appreciate it. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/4594c0e2e575.png
After a brisk skim of your profile, I agree.
It's nice to find another level head in this utter loony bin.
Out of simple curiosity. I take it you're located on Alternia proper.
Just nosy. Without divulging what might be interpreted as casual spoilers, I wanted to see if you were at all within my professional sphere. Unfortunately not.
... I was going to brush off your courtesy, but. On second thought. Let's keep in contact.
I suppose I'm obligated to utilize the new functions of the site as they're bestowed upon the userbase. All I really have on hand are unsolicited messages from my other platforms. This piece was an artistic rendering of my infantile delivery unto Earth-A, entitled "Heiress Never Cry." https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/a34387f29476.png
LIKE WHAT.
I cannot believe Jake would make a statement so barbarically outdated and ignorant so as to put the aesthetics of a single hemocaste on some big towering pedestal. ... And not even pick the right one.
P... no. I shan't say.
WRONG ANSWER.
... Hmph.
Why any of you would want to willingly enter a nebulous, undefined relationship wracked with longing and unfulfillment is beyond me. ... :|
I can see the paper's peeled off that dented receptacle on your shoulders.
Nothing. Are we having lunch tomorrow.
Go on.
Ok yeah sure whatever great.
I refuse to believe a single one of you is actually drinking gasoline.
... Go on.
Oh, good. Vantas has thrown HIS schlubby little hat into the ring. :B
That about ties a bow on it, yes! I can't wait to watch you beat away the overwhelming tides of barely sapient drivel this establishment offers on tap.
I sincerely doubt you do, but I predict that you will look regardless. :B
I have been alerted by Jake that there are numerous posts calling for my immediate social execution on grounds of unfair judgment. However, these posts have been made by mouth breathers whom I have barricaded from my feed for the sake of my own sanity and/or general disdain for exposed genitalia. IF you are reading this, possibly through a companion or a burner account, I may consider unblocking you if at some random interval I review your profile and you no are no longer suffocatingly annoying. Carry on!
Hello, you.
What.
Why are you trying to do that!!!
I don't think anyone was doing that on this thread in particular!
Nesben posts once and every Nesbian on the platform comes crawling out of the woodwork.
A general Nesben enthusiast, I'd say. But sure, that too.
♥ - Betty Crocker Super Moist Chocolate Fudge ♠ - Betty Crocker Super Moist Classic Vanilla ♦ - Betty Crocker Super Moist Red Velvet ♣ - Betty Crocker Super Moist Rainbow Chip (Funfetti)
Where are you getting 400 years from?
... Am I having a stroke? I was born in 1996.
Forget snooping on one's likes and dislikes. I am rapidly approaching Jake's Kult score- a fact which I fully intend to rub his snout in over lunch tomorrow. ... Whatever it signifies.
Right. Like the hot, shredded ham of lore. That thing everyone sure knows about, straight out of the cultural lexicon.
You did this.
I suppose we shall let the masses decide, sir! :B
I guess so. Isn't it just sort of a mechanism of convenience for Dirk? Everyone keeps describing it like he's some bonafide fellow.
If that's the case, I've been caught with my britches down on one more thing to which the rest of our sphere is up to snuff!
I felt it was the only way to properly convey my feelings on the matter. :B
... Er. Ok. No, I suppose not. It occurs to me that we may not be operating on the same chronological wavelength, either.
Did you just pop me back? :B
I'm a fan of Nesben.
Get your rancid mug off my screen.
I really don't want to find myself caught in the seductive pull of the neverending schlock scroll cycle. I have too much to do today.
... Interesting. Now that is an industry into which I have not yet broken ground.
I don't know that it's constructive to thrust me onto each and every social media platform that gains a certain threshold of traction in the public sphere. But I guess that's why you hire a social media consultant. ... Still. Some of these posts and profiles don't even bode, chronologically. I think there may be some shenanigans afoot.
I went to matesprit island and they were redefining their tourism laws to preclude your entry. #matespritisland
LEAVE ME ALONE! GRAHHH. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/72724fb3c6db.jpg https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/d17d73bfdb1e.jpg
https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/29bd4bd6803b.png
Oh, please. Get a whiner and you can simply show a little leg. You've got about a mile of leg to sling around, don't you, stretch?
Heck, I'll say it.
Right. Ok. Yes, right there on the tin. I don't know what I expected. Secondary inquiry. If you're evil, why are you even concerned with the confusion of the masses as to your intentions?
Based on what.
Do you realize how badly you must flub a social interaction to make ME the wokeJane. Genuine congratulations to that hot mess as she plummets from the rankings.