Kanaya Maryam
@grimAuxiliatrix
Head Matriach / 12 Sweeps / Single I Guess But Its Not Even A Big Deal
Im Not Married
[There is a link to a GrubTube video from the official New New Skaia Community College channel. Most of the videos on it are from some sort of media club, but there are more official looking ones as well. The video shows Tavros wearing a graduation cap, a gown, and a mixed expression. She keeps glancing towards the front of the audience, at a handful of empty seats. She walks to a podium, struggles a bit with the microphone, then delivers a valedictorian speech. Her voice is cracking and her tone wavering, but she has the audience eating out of the palm of her hand. They laugh at nonsense non-sequitors that sound like inside jokes, they cheer when she congratulates them all, they fall silent when she laments that Mr. Abernathy wasn't able to make it. She even gets an applause that's only half-begrudging when she compliments the vegan catering done by some reality show. Some way, somehow, tavros has the aura of someone popular. Liked. Respected. And yet, she keeps glancing towards those chairs. Eventually she bows out, throws up her cap, and makes her way off-stage just in time for the cameras to only barelt catch her mascara starting to run.] wELL, tHERE IT IS, fOUR HUMAN YEARS AND,,, iT'S OVER, i AM A BACHELORETTE OF, bIOLOGY,,, i'VE BEEN ACCEPTED INTO THE, sKAIAN uNIVERSITY OF lIFE FOR THE VETERINARY TRACK SO,,, jUST TIME TO WAIT FOR THAT, aHAHA,,, tHANKS @TIMAEUStESTIFIED FOR SHOWING UP, tHAT WAS A SURPRISE SINCE, wELL i GUESS i SHOULD HAVE SENT YOU AN INVITE, i JUST DIDN'T THINK YOU, aCCEPTED ME AS BASICALLY, tHE 8TH ALPHA KID BUT,,, iT MEANT A LOT THAT, sOMEONE SHOWED, aHA, hA,,, tHIS WAS, a REALLY BIG MOMENT FOR ME, AND,,, i REALLY WANTED TO SHARE IN THAT JOY, wITH MY FRIENDS AND, eXPERIENCE PEOPLE BEING PROUD, oF ME AND COMING OUT, fOR ME, yOU KNOW, mAKING TIME FOR, tAVROS BUT, pEOPLE ARE BUSY, i GET IT, sO IT'S WHATEVER, bUT UMM, i SHOULDN'T BE WHINING, cONGRATS TO ALL MY FELLOW GRADS AND, tHANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING, mR. aBERNATHY, i WISH YOU COULD HAVE BEEN THERE, i'M GOING HIVE, HTTPS://CDN.IMGCHEST.COM/FILES/FC2BD92E027F.JPG
iT WAS NICE, sEEING YOU THERE, aHA, yOU ALL DID A REALLY GOOD JOB, tHANKS,
congrats tavros!!! i woulld have come had i known!!!!!! youre so cooll!!!!!
i SENT, aN INVITATION,,,
tHANK YOU jADE,
im sorry i did not get one :((( i promise i really didnt i woulld NEVER miss it on purpose!!!!!
glad i could attend in some capacity evven if it wwas as thinkpan ghost eridan at least i found a wway to bring back the one youre so fond of for some reason this one night only
uMM,,, wOW, yEAH i GUESS YOUR INVITE, mUST'VE GOTTEN LOST IN THE MAIL TOO, wITH THE OTHERS, aS SEEMS TO HAVE HAPPENED, tHANKS, fOR THAT, aND BEING AWARE OF, sTUFF, aNYWAYS,
1 4M PROUD OF YOU. GOOD JOB
tHANKS, tEREZI }:)
I’M NOT KILLING PEOPLE. I’M KILLING BOYS. JENNIFER’S BODY. A CLASSIC TEEN DRAMA THRILLER THAT WAS THE PERFECT WAY TO GET MYSELF NICE AND ACCLIMATED TO THE MURKY, SCUM-COVERED POOL WATER IN THE YMCA OF HORROR. THE TILE IS SLIMY AND IT SMELLS LIKE MILDEW IN HERE, BUT FUCK, I GUESS I’M GOING IN ANYWAY. I CAN’T BELIEVE I MANAGED TO— *DECIDED* TO— WATCH VIVARIUM FIRST, GIVEN THAT THE LEVEL OF “TERROR AND DREAD” IN THIS FILM WAS HARDLY WHAT IT WAS FOR THAT ONE. PERHAPS I DUNKED MY HEAD IN FIRST INTO THAT DREADFUL EXISTENTIAL BLACKNESS INSTEAD OF WALKING DOWN THE STEPS HOLDING THE RAILING AND MAYBE DONNING A SWIM CAP LIKE A NORMAL PERSON. IF ONLY I KNEW THAT JENNIFER’S BODY WOULD MAKE ME FEEL, STRANGELY, A SIMILAR EMPTY ACHE. IT STARTS SIMPLE ENOUGH; JENNIFER AND NEEDY ARE TWO EARTH HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS WHO ARE BEST FRIENDS FOREVER. I COULD SEE THEM AS PALE, BUT THAT’S NEITHER HERE NOR THERE. NEEDY IS THIS HUGE DWEEB THAT EVERYONE IS ALWAYS QUESTIONING ABOUT HOW SOMEBODY LIKE JENNIFER— THE PRETTY CHEERLEADER— EVEN ACTUALLY LIKES HER. IT’S CLEAR THAT THE TWO HAVE BEEN FRIENDS FOR A LONG TIME, AND HAVE AN ESTABLISHED BOND. THEY DECIDE ONE NIGHT TO GO OUT TO THIS LOCAL BAR (OR RATHER, JENNIFER CONVINCES NEEDY TO ABANDON HER SHITRINSER OF A MATESPRIT) TO SEE A ROCK BAND THAT’S PASSING THROUGH DEVIL’S KETTLE. THINGS GO WAY SOUTH WAY QUICK. THE BAR, DUE TO AN ACCIDENT OF SOME ELECTRICAL EQUIPMENT GOING HAYWIRE, GOES UP IN FLAMES. IT’S A COMPLETE AND TOTAL SHITFEST, NATURALLY, EVERYBODY SCREAMING AND CRYING AND BURNING AS YOU WOULD DO IF YOU WERE CAUGHT IN A BURNING BUILDING. CLASSIC. JENNIFER IS TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF BY THAT VERY GROUP OF MEN WHEN THEY ASK HER IF SHE AND NEEDY WANT TO COME WITH THEM TO THEIR *TOTALLY AWESOME AND NOT CREEPY* ROCKER SCUTTLEBUGGY. NEEDY SAYS NO, BEGS FOR JENNIFER NOT TO FOLLOW, BUT BECAUSE SHE’S IN SHOCK FROM THE SHIT THAT JUST HAPPENED, SHE GOES WITHOUT PROTEST. AND THIS IS HOW JENNIFER ENDS UP BEING CHOSEN AS A “VIRGIN SACRIFICE” FOR A DEMONIC RITUAL ENACTED BY THE MEN FOR THE PURPOSES OF EVERLASTING FAME AND FORTUNE. I’M NOT SUPER FAMILIAR WITH THE HUMAN SIGNIFICANCE OF VIRGINITY, SO I HAD TO LOOK IT UP, AND WHAT A WEIRD PILE OF MISOGYNISTIC GARBAGE, FIRST OF ALL. YOU SHOULD ALL BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELVES FOR PERPETUATING SUCH A NOTION THAT HONESTLY FEELS PREDATORY AND FUCKING EVIL. I DIGRESS. BUT GET THIS! THIS IS WHERE SHIT HITS THE BREEZE BLENDER. THE RITUAL GOES INCORRECTLY, BECAUSE JENNIFER ISN’T A VIRGIN OR WHATEVER. BECAUSE OF THAT, THE DEMON THAT THE BAND WAS TRYING TO MAKE A DEAL WITH ATTACHES ITSELF TO HER INSTEAD, RESURRECTING HER AND MAKING A HOME ALONGSIDE HER SOUL. THIS GIVES HER AN INSATIABLE HUNGER FOR BLOOD AND VISCERA, WHICH DRIVES HER TO SEDUCE AND SUBSEQENTLY FEED OFF OF THE LIVING, STARTING WITH THE GROUP WHO PUT HER IN THIS POSITION IN THE FIRST PLACE. IT SEEMS THAT WHILE SHE CAN’T CONTROL HER URGES TO FEED, SHE CAN CONTROL *WHO* SHE FEEDS ON, WHICH IS LUCKY FOR NEEDY, BECAUSE SHE REALLY COULD HAVE BEEN IN SOME HOT WATER WHEN JENNIFER SHOWED UP IN HER HOUSE COVERED IN BLOOD AND BILE HUNGRY AS FUCK AND ATE HER MOM’S ROTISSERIE CLUCKBEAST OUT OF THE THERMAL HULL. SO THE KILLINGS CONTINUE, AND NEEDY IS TRYING TO FIND A REASON FOR ALL OF THIS INSANE HORSESHIT BECAUSE SHE STILL DOESN’T QUITE GET THE CONNECTION BETWEEN THE BEHAVIOR OF HER FRIEND AND THE MISSING BOYS THAT HAVE CROPPED UP TORN TO BITS IN THE DAYS AFTER. SOMEHOW. EVEN WHEN JENNIFER VISITS HER AT HOME AND SHOWS HER FLESH— HER TONGUE, TO BE EXACT— IS IMMUNE TO INJURY. IT ONLY CLICKS SHE VISITS THE SCHOOL LIBRARY AND LEARNS ABOUT HUMAN OCCULT RITUALS AND REALIZES THAT JENNIFER IS POSSESSED. IT CULMINATES, WHEN, ON THE NIGHT OF THE DANCE, NEEDY FINDS HERSELF ABANDONED BY HER CHIP AND REALIZES THAT JENNIFER IS RESPONSIBLE FOR LEADING HIM ASTRAY. NEEDY FINDS HER IN AN ABANDONED POOL HOUSE WITH HER MATESPRIT HALF-ALIVE, AND THEY HAVE A SHOWDOWN, WHICH LEAVES NEEDY ALIVE WITH A FEW SCRATCHES AND CHIP DEAD. NEEDY HUNTS JENNIFER DOWN THAT NIGHT, AND KILLS HER IN HER CHILDHOOD BEDROOM. THIS IS WHAT LANDS NEEDY IN PRISON, WHICH IS WHERE THE STORY STARTED US OFF. THE ACTUAL UNDERLYING NARRATIVE OF JENNIFER’S BODY, IF YOU’RE PAYING ATTENTION (I.E. IF YOU HAVE A PULSE AND ANYTHING BIGGER THAN A FART NIBLET LOLLING ABOUT ON YOUR LOBE STEM) IS REALLY… SAD. THE USE OF SEDUCTION TO ENTRAP THE UNSUSPECTING HAMBEASTS THAT FALL INTO HER CLUTCHES IS A VERY, *VERY* INTENTIONAL PLOT DEVICE. THE WHOLE REASON SHE’S EVEN IN THIS POSITION IS NOT OF HER OWN VOLITION; SHE WAS TRAUMATIZED FROM A BAR FIRE AND THEN ROUNDED UP BY A GROUP OF PREDATORS WHO WANTED TO USE HER *BODY* FOR A RITUAL THAT ENDED UP GOING HAYWIRE. SEE? EVEN DOWN TO THE TITLE. I FEEL LIKE I’M CONNECTING SOME DOTS HERE FOR YOU HOPEFULLY. IT’S ONLY BECAUSE OF THEIR CHOICES THAT SHE’S NOW STRUNG UP WITH A CURSE THAT SHE CAN NEVER QUELL. A POSSESSION THAT SHE CAN’T CONQUER, LEST SOMEBODY FREE HER FROM IT. WHICH LEADS ME TO NEEDY. THE RELATIONSHIP THAT NEEDY AND JENNIFER MAINTAIN IS ALSO OF INTEREST TO ME. I’VE INTENTIONALLY SKIPPED A FEW PIECES OF THE SYNOPSIS TO COME BACK TO THIS EXPLANATION HERE. THERE’S THIS SWEEPING UNDERCURRENT OF INNATE CONNECTION THAT THE TWO OF THEM HAVE HISTORICALLY SHARED. THE WATCHER IS PRIVY TO SOME FLASHBACKS ABOUT THEIR LIFE WHEN THEY WERE WIGGLERS, AND INCLINATIONS TO THEIR FRIENDSHIP UP TO NOW. THERE’S NO DENYING THAT THEY’RE BONDED LIKE I SAID BEFORE, BUT HOW DEEP DOES IT REALLY GO? THE STORY DOESN’T SPELL IT OUT, BUT WE CAN HYPOTHESIZE. THE FIRST SCENE I’LL GIVE MENTION TO IS WHEN NEEDY AND CHIP ARE DOING A HUMAN MATING RITUAL, AND JENNIFER IS ABOUT TO TEAR COLIN, THAT SAD EMO KID, APART TO EAT HIM. WE GET A DISTURBING BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN CHIP AND NEEDY DOING WHATEVER THEY’RE DOING (AND GOD, DOES IT LOOK DRY) AND JENNIFER TEARING COLIN LIMB FROM LIMB. WHILE THIS HAPPENS, NEEDY HALLUCINATES BLOOD DRIPPING FROM THE CEILING AND SHE FLIPS HER EVERLOVING SHIT. THAT EVENING, WHEN NEEDY IS SAFE AND SOUND IN BED, JENNIFER SNEAKS IN AND PROCEEDS TO SEDUCE HER. AND DON’T GET ME WRONG, I THINK THIS PART WAS LIKELY A BIT OF A GRAB FOR THE AUDIENCE WHO WANT TO DROOL AT TWO HOT HUMAN GIRLS SWAPPING SPIT, BUT I ALSO THINK THAT JENNIFER WAS TRYING TO SHOW NEEDY HER ABILITIES IN AN ATTEMPT AT… CAMARADERIE? WARNING SIGNAL? IT WASN’T WITH THE INTENT TO EAT HER LIKE ALL THE OTHERS, THAT’S FOR SURE. AND IT’S AT THIS POINT THAT WE LEARN WHAT REALLY HAPPENED TO JENNIFER THE NIGHT OF THE FIRE, WHICH TINGES THIS WHOLE SCENE BLUE FOR ME. JENNIFER IS *SAD*. SHE HERSELF WAS KILLED, RIPPED APART, FLAYED OPEN, AND SO IT FUCKING SERVES THEM ALL RIGHT THAT THE DEMON THAT OVERTOOK HER IS HELPING HER ENACT REVENGE. AND THIS, FURTHERMORE, IS WHY SHE REPEATEDLY SPARES NEEDY, TIME AFTER TIME. JENNIFER DOESN’T EVEN WANT TO HURT ANYONE, BUT *ESPECIALLY* NOT THE ONE PERSON IN HER LIFE THAT SEEMS TO TRULY LOVE AND UNDERSTAND HER DEEPER THAN SUPERFICIALLY. THEY HAVE SOME SORT OF PITY CONNECTION THAT CAN’T EVEN BE SEVERED BY A DEMONIC PRESENCE. DAMN, WISH I HAD SOMEBODY LIKE THAT. WHO TYPED THAT LAST SENTENCE. MOVING ON. THE FINAL SCENE WITH JENNIFER PRESENT IS THE OTHER IMPORTANT PIECE OF THE PUZZLE. NEEDY HUNTS HER DOWN AFTER SHE KILLS CHIP, AND THE TWO HAVE A BRAWL IN JENNIFER’S BEDROOM. IT ENDS WHEN NEEDY DISARMS HER BY BREAKING HER “BFF” NECKLACE, AND IT IS THIS ACTION THAT HELPS NEEDY TAKE THAT FINAL SWING AND STAB HER IN THE HEART. THE TWO OF THEM HAVE THIS, DARE I SAY, TENDER MOMENT AS JENNIFER TAKES HER LAST BREATHS. AS SHE EXHALES FOR THE LAST TIME, HER PALLOR RETURNS TO WHAT IT ONCE WAS, AS IF THE DEMON WERE FINALLY PROPERLY EXORCISED. IT’S A MERCY KILLING AS MUCH AS IT IS AN AVENGEMENT. YOU CANNOT CONVINCE ME OTHERWISE. AND STILL, THAT FEELING LINGERS. JENNIFER WAS A GIRL THAT ULTIMATELY, DESERVED ABSOLUTELY NOTHING THAT HAPPENED TO HER. AND SHE FUCKING DIED FOR IT ANYWAY. THEN, NEEDY, HER BEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD, CONTINUES HER LEGACY AND REVENGE SPREE, IF ONLY TO RESPECT THE MEMORY OF HER DEAREST FRIEND. NEEDY IS PULLED INTO THE WAVES TOO. THE RIPPLE EFFECT IS BIGGER THAN JUST JENNIFER. IF THAT’S NOT THE MOST UNFORTUNATE THING YOU’VE EVER WATCHED OR HEARD, YOU NEED YOUR GANDERBULBS AND AURALDUCTS CHECKED. YES, IT’S CAMPY AND A BIT KETCHUP-BLOODY. YES, IT USES LANGUAGE THAT 6 YEAR OLD ME WOULD HAVE USED AND THEN SUBSEQUENTLY BEAT PAST KARKAT UP FOR LATER. IT’S OBVIOUSLY OF ITS TIME, AND THERE’S NOTHING THAT WILL CHANGE THAT. HOWEVER. NON OF THAT NEGATES THE FACT THAT THIS IS A NARRATIVE ABOUT ONE’S CHOICES AND HOW THEY CAN DESTROY ANOTHER’S LIFE. AND MORE SPECIFICALLY, HOW MEN’S DELIBERATE DECISIONS CAN AFFECT WOMEN. IT’S HUGELY ALLEGORICAL FOR THE WAY MANY SOCIETIES OPERATE NOW, WHETHER IT’S MISOGYNY OR CASTEISM OR WHATEVER OTHER PIECE OF SOCIOLOGICAL CONCEPT YOU WANT TO PUT THE LENS ON IT WITH. I THINK THIS FILM GETS A DISTORTED AND UNEARNED PERSPECTIVE PLACED ON IT BECAUSE PEOPLE JUST AREN’T PAYING ATTENTION. FOUR STARS. KILL MORE BOYS. HTTPS://CDN.IMGCHEST.COM/FILES/7AFCA7A64B23.JPEG #BLOOD #SUGGESTIVE MAYBE
genuinely one of the holy grails of the horror genre among others and im glad you actually enjoyed this one seeing as this one is a hit im loading up a recommended list for you trust
fuck yeah i gotchu bro also if you enjoyed jennifers body maybe "ginger snaps" is a decent followup
GOT IT. I’LL ADD IT TO MY OWN EVER-GROWING LIST. MAYBE I’LL BUMP IT UP A FEW RUNGS.
Dinner Alone Isnt That A Novel Concept #JustDivorced
iF YoU'Re iN ThE MoOd fOr a lIl' BiT Of mOtHeR FuCkInG DiStRaCtInG To mAkE YoU FoRgEt tHe sEnTiMeNtAl nAsTiEs oF DiSsOlUtIoN AnD ShIt, ThErE'S AlWaYs a sUrE-TrIcK ThAt wOrKs fOr a bRoThEr. HaVe a bItE AnD PuT On a mOtHeR FuCkInG YoUtUbE ShOrT. :o)
Ah Yes I Understand Now The Soothing Balm Of One Single YouTube Short Will Fix Everything For Me Thank You
mY MoThEr fUcKiNg pLeAsUrE, k-bAbY. sHiT GoN' gEt yOu rIgHt. GlAd tO KnOw tHiS'Ll sEt yOu oN ThE PaTh tO AcCePtAnCe aNd sHiT. :o)
In Order To Preserve The Last Reserves Of My Dignity And Sanity For The Evening Ive Decided To Ignore The Fact That You For Some Reason Decided To Call Me "K-Baby"
lIl' TeRm oF EnDeArMeNt aIn't nEvEr dId nO ThAaAnG To nObOdY, mIsS Ma'aM. sHiIiIt. I MeAn. UnTiL It dId. BuT ThE PoInT'S AlL ThAt iT DoN'T GoTtA GeT *tO* tHe pOiNt wHeRe iT'S GoTtA Do hArM, iNnIt? I CaN TeLl yOu rEaLlY KeEpInG ThE ReSoLvE RuNnInG DeEp iN Yo pUsHeR, aNd tO ThAt, I SaY YoU Be tHrIvIn', mY MoSt mAtRoNlY Of mAmAcItAs. So i gEt iT. yOu uNdEr a lOtTa sTrEsSoRs. A BrOtHeR HeRe fOr yOu. ShIt lIkE DiGnItY AnD SaNiTy aIn't mUcH BuT ExCuSeS ThE ThInKmEaT ShUnTs uPoN YoU JuSt tO KeEp yOu aLl dOcIlE AnD ShIt. TaLk yO ShIt, GuRl. YoU DeSeRvE It. :o)
You Know As Much As I Do Appreciate It In A Sense Its Hard For Me To Truly See A World Where Youre Actually Willing To Be There For Me Given Everything Thats Happened Of Course
cAn't iMaGiNe a wOrLd wHeRe iT It'd bE EaSy fOr yOu tO NoT CaSt aLl mAnNeR Of oBjEcTiOnS To mE TrYnA SpIt rEaSsUrAnCe aT YoU. yOu rIgHt fOr dOuBtInG Me. FrAnKlY, mY GiRl, I CoUlD NoT TrUtHfUlLy sAy i cOuLd *Be* ThErE FoR YoU. oN AcCoUnT Of mE BeInG WhAt iT MeAnS To mOtHeR FuCkInG Be mE AnD SuCh. :o) BuT I CaN OnLy lEt yOu iN On tHe iDeA ThAt i'm nOt tRyNa' FaLl iNtO FaMiLiAr hAbItS. sO EvEn iF I PrOlLy cAn't *Be* ThErE FoR YoU. i cAn tRy aNd "Be" ThErE FoR YoU. jOkEr's hOnOr. BuLlShIt uP AnD AsIdE, yOu kEeP YoSeLf sTeAdY. tAlK 'bOuT It. AnD DoN'T LeT YoSeLf gEt tOo cAuGhT Up iN ThEm mOtHeR FuCkInG FeElInGs. ShIt's bOuNd tO Be dIfFeReNt. YoU GoTtA AdApT To tHe dIfFeReNcEs. TiL' yOu cAn tUrN DiFfErEnT InTo sImIlAr. :o)
Some rel8tionships just can't stand the test of time! Nothing wrong with 8r8king things off when they no longer serve you. Congrats @grimAuxiliatrix for cutting the knot! Human marriage pro8a8ly sucks eggs anyway!!!!!!!!
Thanks for that, Equius, we were all waiting with 88ted 8reath trying to discern who the fuck you were talking a8out.
I AM BEGGING YOU TO HAVE JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE FUCKING TACT.
What the fuck it tactless a8out CELE8R8TING her li8er8tion????????
BECAUSE SHE'S CLEARLY UNCOMFORTABLE WITH IT, THERE'S NO NEED TO MAKE IT SUCH A BIG DEAL AND ANNOUNCE THE BUSINESS OF A DIFFERENT COUPLE ONTO THE TIMELINE! LIKE, I DON'T EVEN DISAGREE WITH YOU NECESSARILY BUT YOU JUST NEED TO MAYBE KEEP SOMETHING LIKE THIS TO A DM? PRIVATE MISSIVE? A FUCKING INSTAGROAN?
It's called ripping the adhesive wound-sticker off, Karkat. We're making sure that when the time comes (and it WILL come, trust me) Kanaya is confident and ready to strut her stuff. The more she lets things air out, the 8etter the wounds will heal. If she keeps it all suppressed inside, it'll rot her pusher!
Thank You Equius Hearing This Is Very Inspiring And Even One Might Say Totally Consoling Exactly What I Needed If Were Being Candid Right Now In Fact I Feel So Emboldened To Hold My Own Blender To Task I Might As Well Put Its Nub To The Grindstone Since I Live Completely Alone Now Smoothies Anyone
D --> Serket you are almost certainly saying this due to some deep seeded jealousy of my natural bacheloresque status you should 100k in to having that 100ked at it is very unbecoming of you
What? No, I was 8eing sincere, I wasn't sure if you meant it was pale stuff or something else.
Also, out of everyone here, I think I've 8een doing the #single thing the longest?
#knot #eggs #suck #service #nsfe #suggestive #eight
And No For The Record This Is Not Me Telegraphing Some Open Invitation To A Nebulous Empty Space In My Quarters Or At My Kitchen Table This Is Simply To Forgo All The Unnecessary Questions #YesImDivorced #WhoEvenCares
>([i got problems in a way scientists are compelled to study in a lab]
Okay What The Hell Sure Fine Ill Bite Tell Me More Of Your Entirely Believable Problems
>([i #ave a condition w#ere if i dont consume a certain amount of vintage media every wice t#en i enter a manic depressive state an start riggin deat# traps in my own #alls just to feel somet#in]
>([i literally looked like t#is t#ree nig#ts ago tryin 2 get to my basement] #ttps://pbs.twimg.com/media/FLYGrp0WQAMJ07x.jpg]
>([told u gurl i got a gauntlet a cruel an unusual deat# traps set up round t#e #ive for enric#ment]
Okay So Not To Pry But This Definitely Feels Like An Issue That Warrants Further Discussion So I Feel It Appropriate To Ask Why Death Traps And Are You Okay
>([w#en ur a bonafide g like me u gotta raise da stakes just so its a fair c#allenge for t#e universe an all t#at jazz] >([also yea# im totally fine w#y do u ask]
Please Stop Asking Me Questions Can You All Just Refer To The New Contents Of My Pinned Post Instead Thank You
cLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF, rAIN? cOULD USE A HIGH PRESSURE FRONT, tO PUSH IT ALL AWAY,
cLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF, rAIN? cOULD USE A HIGH PRESSURE FRONT, tO PUSH IT ALL AWAY,
nO IT'S NOT, dON'T YOU HAVE YOUR PROJECTS AND PLANTS AND, oTHER THINGS? tHOUGH, iF IT'S QUIET, mAYBE YOU SHOULD GET A PETm
I Guess I Do Have My Work Still Though Im A Bit Uncertain About Adopting A Pet Im Not Even Sure About Which Kind Of Animal Id Even Want To Take A Custodial Bearing To
fOR YOU,,, i'D SAY A BARKBEAST, a SMALLER ONE BUT, i THINK SOMETHING WITH THAT ENERGY WOULD BE A GOOD FIT AND, yOU CAN DRESS DOGS UP,
vISIT ME AT mR. aBERNATHY'S SHELTER SOMETIME, eVEN JUST TO TOUR OR VOLUNTEER, mAYBE YOUR PERFECT MATCH WILL FALL, rIGHT INTO YOUR LAP, sURROUNDED BY ALL THOSE RESCUES, eHE,
Ive Heard The Rumors Of Barkfiends That Allow You To Dress Them I Must Admit Im Quite Charmed By Those Tales
In Other Exciting And Pleasant News A Fresh Hatchling Has Bitten An Earring Straight From My Ear Chewed It And Swallowed It So Im Not Really Sure How My Day Could Get Any Better Than This
The Caverns Will Be Closing Early Today Because I Have To Go Finalize A Slew Of Assetory Divisions
And Some Other Stupid Stuff I Guess #DontAsk
wHAT HAPPENED?
OH, DID YOU THINK I WAS JUST GOING TO POST REVIEWS FOR PIZZA? YOU FOOL. YOU FUCKING MORON. YOU FUCKING IGNORAMUS. OH MY SWEET SUMMER FUCKHEAD. NO, WE'RE MOVING ON TO BURGERS NOW. THE RIGHT BURGER IS SOMETHING THAT CAN RARELY BE PUT INTO WORDS AND MIGHT ONLY BE ABLE TO BE ACCURATELY DESCRIBED WHEN PUT INTO SONG. BUT I'LL TRY MY BEST. FOR YOU. YOU UNGRATEFUL LEECHES. THE METRICS FOR WHICH I ENJOY A BURGER ARE VERY SIMPLE. I LOOK FOR THREE THINGS, NO MATTER WHAT TYPE OF BURGER IT IS: MOIST, FLAVORFUL MEAT, ENOUGH CHEESE TO PUT AN ESPECIALLY LARGE SHRIEKBEAST INTO THE GROUND AND ADEQUATELY TOASTED BUNS. NOW I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO GET IN THE COMMENTS TO SAY: HAHA, BUNS! HAHAHAHAHA, HE SAID MEAT! YES. THIS IS THE PRICE WE PAY WHEN TALKING ABOUT SOMETHING AS WONDERFUL AS THE HUMBLE BURGER. SOMETIMES SHIT IS GOING TO END UP SOUNDING REALLY FUCKING #SUGGESTIVE AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN REALLY DO ABOUT IT. SO HERE, THIS IS YOUR MOMENT. YOUR TIME EVEN! MOIST MEAT. TOASTED BUNS. SUPPLE, DELICATE BREAD. OOEY, GOOEY CHEESE. WASN'T THAT FUNNY? AREN'T YOU JUST TICKLED FUCKING PINK AT THE VAGUEST BULLSHIT? I BET YOU ARE, YOU KNUCKLE-DRAGGING MOUTHBREATHER. ANYWAY, TODAY I VISITED A BURGER PLACE KNOWN AS TITO'S. HERE THEY SERVE A VARIETY OF BURGERS, INCLUDING THE FABLED 'SMASH PATTY', AND HERE'S WHERE OUR TASTES MAY DIFFER. THIS MAY BE THE PART WHERE YOU RAISE YOUR PITCHFORKS AND PUT ME TO THE FUCKING TORCH BECAUSE HOT TAKE? I DON'T REALLY LIKE SMASH PATTIES. I THINK THEY HAVE THEIR PLACE. I WOULDN'T TURN MY NOSE UP IF I FOUND ONE ON MY PLATE, LOVINGLY CRAFTED BY ONE OF MY DEAR FRIENDS WHO SAW FIT TO FEED ME. "YOU'RE SAFE NOW, MY CHILD", THEY SAY. "DON'T EVER FUCKING CALL ME THAT AGAIN!" I REPLY. BUT YEAH I WOULDN'T *CHOOSE* A SMASH PATTY SO THAT'S WHY I'M GLAD TITO'S HAS OTHER OPTIONS. WHEN TRYING OUT A NEW BURGER PLACE I ALWAYS DEFAULT TO THEIR MOST BASIC BURGER AVAILABLE. HERE, THIS HAPPENED TO BE THE DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER. BULLY FOR FUCKING ME, THAT HAPPENS TO BE MY FAVORITE KIND. THIS DOUBLE CHEESE CAME WITH A SALAD TOPPING AND SOME OF THE HOUSE'S SIGNATURE 'BURGER SAUCE', WHICH LOSES POINTS BECAUSE I HATE IT WHEN SHIT IS NAMED LIKE THAT. WHAT'S IN IT? WHAT DOES IT ENTAIL? IS IT SPICY OR SWEET? ROLL THE FUCKING DICE YOU IGNORANT FUCK! YOU'LL NEVER KNOW UNTIL ITS IN YOUR FUCKING MOUTH, ASSAULTING YOU WITH ITS AIRHEADS: WHITE MYSTERY. TO CUT A LONG DIATRIBE SHORT THOUGH THE SAUCE WAS FINE I THINK IT WAS A MUSTARD BASE WITH SOME SPICES. I GIVE THIS BURGER A SOLID 7/10. IT WAS A GOOD BURGER! I ENJOYED IT! TASTY ENOUGH FOR SURE AND I WOULDN'T SAY NO TO GOING TO THE PLACE AGAIN. THE MEAT WAS JUICY, AND HELD ALL THE GREASY SHIT THAT I LOVE. TITO, THE PROPRIETOR HIMSELF, WAS MORE THAN WILLING TO ACCOMMODATE MY REQUEST FOR EXTRA CHEESE AND BOY DID HE DELIVER- THAT SHIT WAS DRIBBLING ONTO MY SHIRT I FELT LIKE A WRIGGLER AT MCDISORDERS WHO'S LUSUS IS TOO BUSY TO ADEQUATELY TAKE CARE OF THEM. FAST, FRIENDLY SERVICE. NOW LET'S GO ONTO WHAT BRINGS IT DOWN IN THE SCORE. THE SALAD ITSELF WAS TASTY BUT *NOT* CRISP. WHEN I BITE INTO A PICKLE, I EXPECT IT TO CRUNCH, I EXPECT IT TO RESIST ME. I EXPECT IT TO BE A BRIEF, FLEETING FIGHT BETWEEN MY TEETH AND THIS OBSTINATE VEGETABLE. UNFORTUNATELY, IT WAS ALL A BIT LIMP. AS BEFORE MENTIONED, I DON'T ENJOY A MYSTERY SAUCE- EVEN IF I ENDED UP LIKING IT, THE HORRIBLE EXPERIENCE OF BEING HESITANT TO TAKE A BITE BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS WHITE SHIT IS KIND OF PUT ME OFF A BIT. THE BIGGEST OFFENDER TO MY RATING SYSTEM WAS THE FACT THAT I HAD TO ORDER FRIES *SEPARATELY*. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT WHERE A BURGER DOESN'T *COME WITH* THE FRIES? WHAT ARE YOU SMOKING THAT IT'S A SEPARATE CHARGE?! THIS SPITS IN THE FACE OF THE ENTIRE BURGER EXPERIENCE! A BURGER WITHOUT HER FRIES IS LIKE A THRESHECUTIONER WITHOUT HIS SICKLE. WHICH IS TO SAY: HE'S A VERY FUCKING PISS POOR EXCUSE FOR A THRESHIE TO BE QUITE HONEST!!! A DRINK AS A DISJOINTED PIECE I WILL ACCEPT. A DESSERT, TOO! HELL, I'LL EVEN ACCEPT SEPARATE ONION RINGS! BUT FRIES? THE FRIES?! IF THIS IS WHERE THE FUTURE OF THE BURGER RESTAURANT IS HEADED THEN I AM NOT FUCKING OPTIMISTIC. AS ITERATED BEFORE, 7/10. JOIN ME NEXT TIME WHERE I REVIEW A HOT DOG OR SOME SHIT WHO KNOWS! I SURE AS HELL WON'T UNTIL I GET TO THE RESTAURANT, SO FUCK OFF WITH YOUR NOSY, PROGNOSTICATIVE BULLSHIT! KARKAT OUT.
honestly i was g0ing two give y0u shit for this 0ne but i cant. comprehensive reviews ab0ut something harmless are when y0ure at your best. im genuinely l0oking f0rward two m0re of these. further th0ughts: i DID laugh at the meat and buns and shit. im not g0ing two pretend my sense of hum0r is refined and subtle. youre abs0lutely right re: mystery sauce. tell me what the fuck it is before i bite intw0 something disgusting and my broken-ass pan tells me weve been p0isoned and 0ur body is under attack and i need two spit it 0ut right now. shit be embarrassing yo. als0 was the salad topping just lettuce?
i am staring at ny screen with a little :O on my face and stars in my eyes!! this is vvvvv interesting karkat especially because i dont have nearly as refined a palate as you ._. ill eat anything if its in a bowl so it is nice to see you give very detailed thoughts on the matter!!! i surrender to your food reviewing prowess hehe
I'M GLAD THAT IF NOTHING ELSE WE CAN UNITE ON NOT WANTING TO PUT SHIT IN OUR GLUTTONOUS MAWS WHEN WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IT IS. AND NO, IT WAS LETTUCE, PICKLES AND ONION.
DAMN STRAIGHT YOU WILL. AND ANY SCURRILOUS LOSER WHO TRIES TO SAY OTHERWISE ISN'T WELCOME ON MY AMAZINGLY POPULAR CHITTR ACCOUNT (LIBEL PUBLISHED BY MYSELF)
CLEARLY? WHAT THE FUCK ELSE WOULD THIS BE. LET A MAN HAVE HIS HOBBY.
oni0n on burgers kinda disrupts the experience f0r me tbh but im glad some0ne enjoys them.
OKAY COOL WE'RE BACK TO FIGHTING AGAIN. AS IF ONIONS ON A BURGER ISN'T A GOD DAMN CLASSIC OF THE GENRE YOU FUCKING PHILISTINE. READ ANY CULINARY HISTORY BOOK OR MAYBE JUST GET OUT OF YOUR NASTY HIVE AND ACTUALLY EAT ONE AT A RESTAURANT.
i wasnt trying two fight?? s0rry you cant handle a guy having a different opini0n because a sudden fucking CRUNCH of flav0r that completely overp0wers everything else kind of fucks with my delici0us savory meat and cheese.
This Is Probably The Least Pleasant Piece Of Paper Ive Ever Scrawled My Signature On But We Do What We Must I Suppose #PostingVaguely
Wish you luck in your endeavors to sign whatever parchment you are endorsing.
what, you found a way to double divorce her or something?
Greetings.
Listen Given The Current Circumstances Its Probably For The Best That I Refrain From Any Public Back And Forth With Any Of Her Alternate Selves Its Just A Bit Gauche Looking For The Both Of Us
Understood, I wish you the best in your endeavors. Suppose for my own situation it doesn't look the best to be interacting with your variants as well. Enjoy your day, I will be out of your hair.
Frittata For Dinner Again Tonight Kanaya Come On Its Like Were Not Even Trying Anymore
i have a new exciting dinner suggestion
do i need to come play chef for a bit?
what do you want food wise? hehe. i'il whip something up!
The Brooding Caverns Will Be Closing Early Today Because The Mother Grub Spewed Up A Little Too Much
Please Place Your Well Wishes In The Replies
Saddening to hear. I hope she makes a swift recovery.
gET WELL, mOTHER gRUB,
https://file.garden/aUjin6psK2beHWDq/theSludgeTiktok.png
HAHAHAHA. HAHAHA. @grimAuxiliatrix
>> @coડm¡cHorror
>> ¡ waડ ડECONDડ too 1ate
Oh Ha Ha Ha This Is A Good One Truthfully The Eyes On This Barkfiend Are Quite Charming Thank You All For Showing Me This
Stop Saying That I Have Aegyo
your natural aegyo it’s so refreshing
I Dont Know What "Aegyo" Is
:33 < my fafurite facial expurression :33 < if only could make me do it right meow
no no silly, thats "ahegao"! "aegyo" is just a korean word for acting flirtatious and coquettish
:33 < oooooh :33 < whoops
your natural aegyo it’s so refreshing
What I want to know is, what's for third meal? - MC Oleana
Im Probably Going To Make A Frittata Tonight Or Something Which Is The Epitome Of Phoning It In I Suppose
I would much prefer that over what it sounds like others on the timeline may be serving up. Personally. I'm sure it will be delicious. - MC Oleana
[ A photo is attached. A selfie. Gamzee is reclining in a luxurious, gold-clawed tub, made of the finest marble. His smile is still on his face, much more placid now. His eyes, though bulging and one completely covered in purple, are calm. His hair is wet and weighed down, dripping a vaguely purple water as he looks into the camera. His torso is naked, glossy with water and stains of dried blood, bite marks and bruises. Behind him is a very blurry, metallic object swinging down for his skull. ] #gore #nsfw #nsfwe #violence
BARK BARK BARK GET BENT
DUD3 GOT FUCK1NG TWH4CK3D 1N TH3 H34D L1K3 1N 4 HORROR MOV13.
wHOA BRO, yOU ARE LOOKING SO PLACID, rIGHT NOW, hEHE, wAIT WHAT'S THAT,
Ugh, you even die like a cartoon.
Okay I Must Admit This One Is Pretty Good Actually
If Anything I Would Simply Prefer They Do Whatever They Call This Kind Of Overly Graphic Caliginous Parody Play Somewhere Else Any Place We All Wont Be Unwittingly Subjected To It In The Middle Of The Workday Would Be Ideal
Im Trying To Enjoy My Fifteen Minute Break And This Has All Really Soured My Mood
Must suck to get a front-row seat to someone else's comically disastrous failhookups while you're trying to lock in. My simulated heart simulates bleeding for you.
Thank you. I'm happy for them, I just wish they wouldn't shove the gratuitous bloodshed in our faces. - MC Oleana
WHAT DO YOU MEAN PARODY PLAY.
I Could Stand To Be Happier About If Were Being Honest But I Do Have A Lingering Suspicion That I Most Likely Wont Be
Ideally live-chit the entire alterc8tion after you get your meddling fronds involved, 8uuuuuuuut I am equally satisfied just with having made you interact with this horseplay a little more. ::::)
That Sounds About Right Well Since Youve Shown Your True Ends I Suppose Its Time To Cut The Cord On This One
I Think I May Have Made A Mistake
Yes Im Not Really Sure How Id Rectify It Either But At This Point I Can Tell If I Stuck My Claws Back Into It Id Make Even More Of A Mess