@destinedKiller — #yearning
yearning, yearning, from afar, dark heart locked behind iron bars, and whenever someone should offer the key, "no!", i cry, "its not for me!" this prison of my own design, imaginary places to draw the line, for if freedom were true, how could it be so? what would i do, where would i go? and so to my cell i return, to allow my flaming heart to yearn.
mmghrthtrrrrrh i need to break a planet or be fucking ruined until i cant walk or gore someone or begored orfFFUCK
:(#yearnging #yearnifn #yearninng #yearnihfn #yeanr #yearn #yeaenring #yearning
rrgh i need someone to slam their hand into the gaping hole in my chest and squeeze my bloodpusher until it stops hurting from yearning.
you ever yearn for someone whos absence has left a specific them-shaped-hole in your life but then you remember you have the memories of someone who was related to an alternate version of them and you start to feel weird and kind of gross and really conflicted about it? yeah thats also where im at right now. ...rrgh. i need. to get wasted or something. or a lobotomy. something to stop thinking.
do you ever think of someone and it makes you feel all fuzzy and warm, but then the fuzzy feeling reminds you of someone you used to know who will always be irreplaceable and their absence from your life has left a gaping hole specifically in their shape that can never truly be patched? yeah thats how im doing tonight.
VvvvvvvvvvvV ^^^^^^^^^^
ffcking. whatever. not evengonna bother checking the thing. itll either be empty. or ffull of joke applications. eitherr would be appropriate. for howpathetic my dessperation is.rright now.
i have gotten. sso overwhelmingly horny. that i have accidentally clawed out my own organs while sobbing from the pain. of yearning. and also of being so hard it feels like my body will explode. but goring myself. has brrought no satisfaction. there is no ttension of a fighht. no drive of the attempt to surrpass annother. or the bliss of meeting an equal ccapable of defeating me. ffuckkk.
anyway. recording of guitar playing i did in my little. isolated clearing of this forest. it doesnt ease the yearning pain. and it hurts to think about. but at the same time, it...... yeah. song to put those feelings into music. ..if youre wondering how i played several guitars at once. magic shadow clones. https://file.garden/XAsN_1TsSgUyUt-R/Chittr/DK/miss%20miss%20misery.mp3
...kind of pathetic and cowardly of me to want deva to do the soul-healing touch thing with the heart godtier powers only to immediately regret and want to undo it when i start feeling emotions more normally. simply because it gets a little overwhelming from not being used to it. i guess in a way my neurological disorder was "stable" with my emotions dampened too? cant have crashouts if you genuinely dont care. which. i havent had a crashout yet. but experiencing emotion again has been a lot. ...especially the yearning. the painful. endless ache in my hollow ribcage. fucking christ, even just *thinking*...Read more
...need to hunt a deer girl like a feral wolf. sink my fangs and claws in. make her bleed.
...i think im just gonna. kill time by sleeping. better than staying awake feeling like. this. ... i havent laid in a proper bed in so long. havent slept in one either. i guess the coziness kind of eases the #yearning pain. whatever. goodnight. goodlight. etc.
...perhaps the worst part of feeling emotions easier again is the yearning. for what i cannot and should not have. its. satisfying to be able to cry about it. but it hurts. even before being possessed im not sure i ever experienced emotions this. strongly. it feels like it physically hurts in my chest to yearn this way. when i shapeshift off the armour and lift my sweater to look at the hollow gash in my chest, it stops. reminder of what ill always ...what i *was*. not anymore. ....
i want so badly to reach out to the people i miss. but i pushed them away. and some of them might tolerate me again. but it will never be the same. dont be like me. reach out to your loved ones. be honest with them. be honest with yourself. before its too late. #yearning? #vent? #whatever.
...before i fuck off for a few hours. short thing i recorded. "miss her miss misery" is the title im going with. going to make a full version later. its... ok i cant say what its for because the. cause itll get seen and understood. which i dont want. even though i do want it. but i dont. whatever heres the short fucking demo track. played live by me and two shadowy apparitions of myself. by which i mean i played three guitars simultaneously. https://file.garden/XAsN_1TsSgUyUt-R/Chittr/DK/missermissmisery.mp3 #darkertunes #music #musicposting #yearning
...... i guess. i. yearn for. before i became this. i would miss people if i had the emotional capability for it. #yearning