@destinedKiller — #vent
my mind is like a woven tapestry being tugged at the corners to reveal the gaps between and through them i see it and i know it can give me everything i could want and i know its also bullshit and a liar. one corner tugs and i feel giddy and elated, that i can once more indulge in the annoyance and teasing of a vile individual. another corner tugs and i feel sorrow, that i cannot speak my thoughts and feelings for some, that i cannot help people. another corner tugs and i feel a need to protect, to nurture, to hold while another corner tugs and incites a burning fucking violent rage and beneath it all th...Read more
changed my mind again.
...i often want to offer to help people. from big things like killing a threat, to small things like an illness to heal with magic. but my bullshit power levels are an inherent risk. so i end up just staying silent most of the time while the thoughts of "i can help" gnaw away at me as i do nothing to help. there are people better suited to helping others, but it still leaves me feeling. useless. i guess. perhaps even now part of me is still looking for... "purpose". which i suppose i do have as the defender of this planet, but. nothing much ever actually happens here.
mm. cant sleep. fun.
tch. first i see my/karmas alternate troll self being a digital rapist and then i have to see that guys daily bitching. im gonna go break some planets. #vent #nsfw #nsfwe #cw-rape #cw-rape-mention #directposting
everything feels warm. senses heightened. unpleasant. even gently touching my bedsheets is. mm.
i need to go break a planet.
rrgh god my stupid brain is a fucking mess.
...things have been going too well for me lately. kind of feels fake after all the awful metanarrative bullshit i been put through by the angel and fucking. doctor wingdings asshole. gonna dissociate in planetary orbit for a bit. ill be aight just know that if you cant reach me its cause of that. then again theres only one person who would actively go out of their way to do that so i guess this is more for them. hey deva. not gonna say the l-word cause thinking about genuine affection make's me feel sick but yeah. l-word. you. care. bluh. later.
not doin too hot. think i might take a short break from chittr or smth idk. bpd moment. or im just being dumb. #vent? #cw-mental-health //
remembered someone whos half the reason i laugh like "fahaha" and went scrolling through her profile. she hasnt been active in a long while. kind of has me worried if gaster had something to do with that since she was close to karma. ...kind of has me worried if something similar will happen to them and haruko. karmas posts are getting less frequent while theyre in that time bubble thing, and haruko hasnt posted in a week (shes also in the bubble im assuming she just isnt checking chittr every 5 minutes like i know my past self would be.) ...anyway. remembering people. it hurts, i guess. now listen...Read more
whuere did eveyrine go thrree yeards ago whydidnt snyone takk to m ehy didthey aooll hate me
rrgh i need someone to slam their hand into the gaping hole in my chest and squeeze my bloodpusher until it stops hurting from yearning.
you ever yearn for someone whos absence has left a specific them-shaped-hole in your life but then you remember you have the memories of someone who was related to an alternate version of them and you start to feel weird and kind of gross and really conflicted about it? yeah thats also where im at right now. ...rrgh. i need. to get wasted or something. or a lobotomy. something to stop thinking.
do you ever think of someone and it makes you feel all fuzzy and warm, but then the fuzzy feeling reminds you of someone you used to know who will always be irreplaceable and their absence from your life has left a gaping hole specifically in their shape that can never truly be patched? yeah thats how im doing tonight.
VvvvvvvvvvvV ^^^^^^^^^^
i have gotten. sso overwhelmingly horny. that i have accidentally clawed out my own organs while sobbing from the pain. of yearning. and also of being so hard it feels like my body will explode. but goring myself. has brrought no satisfaction. there is no ttension of a fighht. no drive of the attempt to surrpass annother. or the bliss of meeting an equal ccapable of defeating me. ffuckkk.
anyway. recording of guitar playing i did in my little. isolated clearing of this forest. it doesnt ease the yearning pain. and it hurts to think about. but at the same time, it...... yeah. song to put those feelings into music. ..if youre wondering how i played several guitars at once. magic shadow clones. https://file.garden/XAsN_1TsSgUyUt-R/Chittr/DK/miss%20miss%20misery.mp3
...kind of pathetic and cowardly of me to want deva to do the soul-healing touch thing with the heart godtier powers only to immediately regret and want to undo it when i start feeling emotions more normally. simply because it gets a little overwhelming from not being used to it. i guess in a way my neurological disorder was "stable" with my emotions dampened too? cant have crashouts if you genuinely dont care. which. i havent had a crashout yet. but experiencing emotion again has been a lot. ...especially the yearning. the painful. endless ache in my hollow ribcage. fucking christ, even just *thinking*...Read more
...i think im just gonna. kill time by sleeping. better than staying awake feeling like. this. ... i havent laid in a proper bed in so long. havent slept in one either. i guess the coziness kind of eases the #yearning pain. whatever. goodnight. goodlight. etc.
...perhaps the worst part of feeling emotions easier again is the yearning. for what i cannot and should not have. its. satisfying to be able to cry about it. but it hurts. even before being possessed im not sure i ever experienced emotions this. strongly. it feels like it physically hurts in my chest to yearn this way. when i shapeshift off the armour and lift my sweater to look at the hollow gash in my chest, it stops. reminder of what ill always ...what i *was*. not anymore. ....
ok vote now tear through a planet or tear through myself. the latter wont kill me i just need SOMETHING fucking ANYTHING to tear into. myself might arguably be better because im at least alive. maybe tear these fucking emotions back out of my head. ♥/◆ for planet. ♠/♣ for myself.
if i dont. have something to tear at soon. i am going to fucking tear through a planet. #vent? #emotion #fuck-this-stupid-overwhelming-bullshit
...i need. something to do with my hands. something to. sink my claws into. urgently. anyone here fond of dying. or immortal and doesnt mind being clawed at. and torn to shreds by a living weapon. that can hold its own against some of the more powerful assholes on here? before i just start clawing at myself instead. #violence #suggestive? #i-guess #even-though-that-isnt-the-point-of-the-post #it-certainly-carries-similar-tension #vent? #cw-self-harm #gore
... nothing of value lost. if i dont attend. and dont intend to. ......... ugh. whyd deva have to do the whole. soul thing. and make it easier to feel emotion. im gonna go destroy some meteors or something.
i want so badly to reach out to the people i miss. but i pushed them away. and some of them might tolerate me again. but it will never be the same. dont be like me. reach out to your loved ones. be honest with them. be honest with yourself. before its too late. #yearning? #vent? #whatever.
disturbing post. click unquirk to read. pay attention to the tags, dont be a moron. VvvvvvvvvvvV ^^^^^^^^^^ #nsfw #nsfwe #selfcest #incest #guro #gore #violence #rape #abuse #knifeplay #clawplay #vent #cw-mental-health
i fumbled everything so hard that i pushed away everyone i cared about, killed someone i cared about, and wore myself down until i was too tired to fight back against being possessed. get on my level noobs. #fumblemaxxing
a gash weaves down as if i cry, the pain itself is reason why. cannot breathe, cannot live, cannot be, please let me die. a clash of ideals, below broken sky. just trash that will yield, to demons, angels eye. cannot move, cannot call, cannot think, youll never fly. our father who art from hell, earth, whence fates bell tolls again. thy kingdom burn, thy will unturned, and name taken in vain. veins burn red, rise of the dead, angelic tears pool into glass. flaming lord, with mantle scored, let us all attend your mass. mass correction, belief and ascension. dream made real? bad deal, ...Read more
......in a lot of ways, being a vessel to be possessed had a kind of intimacy to it. its something i didnt know i needed or wanted until it was gone. even though i hated every second of it. how can someone need and want something they despised so viscerally with every fiber of their being?