The Queue
@quantumQuartermaster
I love helping the inferior, I hope we can be on equal footing some day.
Oh my. A cadre of cue balls has followed me. I will refrain from showing any emotion regarding this other than pure and absolute joy!
I dominate in Parcheesi, you know.
A rather curious subject has occupied my attention this evening: the geography of Beforus. I imagine that you, like myself, thought a civilization possessing such wonderous technological and cartographic resources might have arrived at a reasonably comprehensive understanding of the planet upon which it resides. Alas, the maps remain ambiguously unhelpful. Consider our continental arrangements. Vast expanses of habitable territory are separated by oceans whose currents appear to have maintained remarkably consistent courses over geological periods that ought to have rendered such stability improbable. Many of the previous micronations of Beforus disregard conventional tectonic boundaries, while several of our more remote archipelagos occupy positions that suggest their constituent landmasses have been rearranged with rather more deliberation than continental drift ordinarily permits. Now, why do you think that is? I will leave you with that question. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/fd0115921627.png There is also the matter of our poles. I have reviewed several competing surveys of the southernmost territories, and I must congratulate the Beforan empire for being able to produce four mutually incompatible descriptions of what are ostensibly the same locations. The northern polar region, meanwhile, exhibits certain magnetic irregularities that I should hesitate to attribute entirely to its mineral composition. My own suspicion is that Beforus has undergone at least one substantial geographical revision during its natural history. Whether this occurred through an exceptionally improbable sequence of geological events, the intervention of some enterprising intelligence, or a rather embarrassing error in the original planetary specifications is a question I shall leave open. I would, however, advise aspiring cartographers to retain their previous editions. Your terrible work will be preserved ad infinitum for my entertainment specifically.
Ah, you see, it is a play on words. While I am a cue-stick-headed puppet, my existence relies on the idea of sequenced events. Fate, if you would. Therefore, all of entropy is within a queue. I am that queue.
I have yet to attain my doctorate, but I appreciate the humor!
"= mmmm. not my thing. can i grab you by the top and and start swinging it? that sounds more, hm, fun. ="
What a strange request, Alternian. Simply put, no. There is no reality in which you ascend to such greatness. You will find I am quite tall.
"= i can fly, you are no problem. it is the weight ---- by the sound of 'puppet', that shouldn't be a problem? :) ="
Ah, a continued threat of violence. You are like a wiggler. One would imagine the Alternian a more civilized folk given your technological superiority. How crass.
"= it's not violent. what made you think it was violent? prejudiced. assumption filled. ="
Ah. There we are. I was beginning to wonder whether this application intended to finish loading before the civilization responsible for it collapsed. A rather narrow window, as it happens. Allow me to introduce myself. You may call me The Queue. I am a gentleman of considerable resources, an inventor of some distinction, and, when the occasion demands it, a rather accomplished examiner of character. I have been responsible for a great many things you presently take for granted, though I shan't spoil the satisfaction of discovering which ones. I have decided to make myself available for consultation. Questions, requests, complaints, and particularly interesting problems are all welcome. I cannot promise to answer them in the order received, nor can I guarantee that the solutions provided will be the ones you had in mind. One final piece of advice: should I ever hand you something accompanied by the words "Do be careful with that," I strongly recommend you listen. Now then. Who's first?
Ah! A volunteer. Splendid enthusiasm, Jimbou. I do so appreciate an individual who steps forward before discovering what he's volunteered for. It saves an extraordinary amount of paperwork. Now, I understand you're rather fond of parties. A commendable pastime, incidentally. Social gatherings provide a fascinating opportunity to study decision-making under conditions of impaired judgment. So, a little something for you. Check your pockets. You should find a small silver whistle that wasn't there a moment ago. Blow it once, and every individual within earshot will find themselves possessed of an irresistible urge to dance for precisely sixty seconds. Twice, and they'll forget why they were upset with anyone in the room. I would strongly advise against blowing it three times. That's still undergoing testing. #substance Do tell me how you get on!
Wowie! Thank you, sir! This’ll be GREAT for my upcoming sundae beach party!