Dirk
@ponyPal
Philanthropist. Read all of my messages at face value and make no attempt to discern deeper meaning or otherwise read between the lines. If nobody stands by me, I stand by me.
Happy #wrasslinwednesday to one and all! Rules are simple: wrassle something today. A rival. A friend. A nebulous on-again-off-again situationship that youre shirking the calls of. Doesnt matter just get yourself a good scrum in!
Top ten posts that back me off my footstool to untie my noose. Finally, a day worth loggin' in on. There really is Hope in the world.
Youre very welcome! For such a touched fan ill throw in a little chump change for you. The old topping yourself bit is a mite cringe these days. Might want to workshop some new material.
Ol' Reliable is back in the stalls and ready for the next race, I guess. Back to it, peanut gallery, there's little tutting to be had here when any cursory glance at my highly curated content can see I'm goin' above and beyond to school any first class jackass here, not just baseless reiterations of my own personality. If I've unknowingly harshed on a member of your timeline, group, friendsesh, or posse, in my non-targeted tirade against social media as a whole, then my bad. Don't jump into a sea of yourself if you can't tread water, broski.
Wow thats a whole lot of words without substance. Impressive verbal gymnastics honestly. Hats off for craftsmanship. And no my rambunctious little fillyfriend i didnt mean to insinuate anything untoward. I too consider myself something of a public servant though instead of dispensing a most righteous haranguing i dispense a tipple of sound judgement to the needy and the tragic. A veritable jiminy cricket to all the wooden bros and babes out there. Click your heels thrice and i might make you a real boy as opposed to whatever caricature decorates your profile. But anyways! Apology most graciously accepted.
It takes one to know one. Real eyes realize, and real recognizes real. Two kindred flames exist between the pages of a particularly lengthy novel, penned in two parts by two guys that scantily even know each other. It's beautiful, honestly, the way two keyboard warriors can clash keys and then make up. Anyway. I get the joke there. Blue fairy. It's all topical.
Oh. Well. Yes i reckon it is a marvel finding a spot of peace right smack in the middle of the internets own personal battlefield. My gun barrels are still smoking somethin fierce mind you but in the spirit of newfound comraderie i shall holster the twins and shake your hand proper on an exchange pleasantly concluded. Naturally then one can assume this means i dont fall under your particular roster of first rate jackasses.
Mind you, I am still utterly fuckin' confounded as to what even got me under fire to begin with. For the mere crime of, presumably, kicking the ass of your bro in an internet comment section, I've been unfairly persecuted. My attempts at establishing a dudebond initially foiled, all because one or two of your personal roster of favorite splinters (unnamed) came under fire. I'm clueless here, man. You've rendered me up Shit's creek without a paddle, but at least I know how to sit in a dinghy and wait for rescue. Goin' out, guns blazing, against a guy who's done little more than bat his eyelashes and be complimentary towards you, specifically, is typically a jackass move. I don't know how you expect me to let bygones be bygones when your scathing commentary shaved off the top layer of my brain, but, like. I've always been forgiving, bro. You know me and my infamous kind streak, and you know how bad people take advantage of me. My robe is half-way down my shoulders. My eyes are heavy and wet, just like the heft of my soft breast. Please, don't hurt me. Don't take advantage of me like everyone else, Jake. I'm a doe-eyed sweetheart in a world of guys seekin' punishment at every turn, I only act like this because they need me to. If it wasn't for people like us, what would become of society? My fingers wobble when I scratch your name off the jackass list. Subconsciously, you recall that I always have the power to place you back.
I say are you going senile on me early there strider? Might you have me confused with some grand shepherd of splinters tending his whole flock and keepin proper tabs on every last iteration of himself trotting across his timeline cause i sure as heck aint him. Ive got enough trouble keeping track of my OWN doings without wrangling a whole herd of alternate selves besides. Though whoever this person is clearly has a girdle in your snout. Im almost a little jealous. But alright in a show of good faith and sportsmanship i shall pen your name into this list ive created this very moment: the ledger of reformed douchecasms. A very exclusive membership. Club activities include drafting each other lengthy proclamation of friendship and wrestling. The first event is next thursday.
You know what they say about assumptions, bro. They make an ass out of "u" and "me". Here I was, assumin' your lance was erected in honor of your bro, but it's just upright for every such Prince awaiting their white knight. This is the most noble shit I ever did see, bro, seriously. Anyway, keep the jealousy under wraps. The snaffle placed lovingly into my soft, wet mouth dares not press down on my undulating, silky tongue. I am completely and totally uncontrolled and unreared, tethered to no post an' trotting free in beautiful internet pastures. Your ass is grass and I graze it, your fields are as wild as I am free, and all your bases? Are belong to me. See you next Thursday. Amped for the first list-based throwdown, and the 800th Jake beatdown.
Violating the sacred naming convention is cull-worthy on Alternia, so I've heard, in my circles of mildly prejudice and speculative humans. If you even test out a seven letter name, get ready to be another inglorious statistic in the numbers game of hierarchy-sanctioned deaths. Going for five? Head in hands, literally. They pulled out the bone saw just for you. If there's another social taboo I can portray as archaic, beastly, and violent to the point of comedy, let me know.
wwhat isnt cull wworthy on alternia highbloods nevver really needed reasons for cullin any givven lowwblood
Shit. Shitshitshitshitshit. That meteor is looking way too close for comfort. I give it like three hours until I'm coomed.
the struggle of life you gotta get up but cuddlepile too comfy
Hate when this happens. Perpetually making me late for my important appointments, for sure. If those grabhappy motherfuckers make me late one more time, the whole polycule is getting the whip. #Struggles
do you think if i fall back asleep like right now ill see her again
there was a girl in my dream
Add more details, Sebastian. Did she take you, claw in hand, and scuttle you down a field of memories both familiar and foreign to you?
h4lf p1p3, qu4rt3r p1p3, 31ghth p1p3, s1xxxt33nth p1p3, th1rty-s3condth p1p3... wh3r3 duz 1t 4ll 3nd?!??!?!?
Nadir. The final pipe twists endlessly, a spiral down into sweet oblivion. There's no going back from here, the end is as absolute as it is inevitable.
Did you feel anything?
Exuberant joy and the wet trail of a single tear slipping out of my eye. Frankly majestic, there's not enough words in the dictionary capable of describing just how I felt.
What if I tossed catnip on the timeline. #substance
Listen, I appreciate that we're covering all the bases here, since there seems to be a straight-up surplus of catpeople and neko-adjacent trolls roleplaying their most archaic selves, but really? The tag? Substances? It's catnip. I'd advise those sensitive to the mention of nepetalactone-inducing weeds to go on outside and touch grass, but that shit might trigger a full-blown meltdown, apparently.
Hey you never know, besides I thought it would be a bit amusing to add the substance tag in a ironic way.
Huh, guess you're right maybe I should go brush up on my sense of irony, maybe I need to go back to irony college and retake some classes.
me: has a hot rod. him: doesnt. i think its clear vwho vwins here.
To quote some random, wise netizen: you swan, he frog. His ass is walkin' back and forth from the library, meanwhile you're training your mind and body at the gym. Back and forth with the speed of a motorboat. It's goddamn incredible, man.
batteries taste better than expected
I don't know why I expect better, at this point. We're one step removed from puttin' button batteries up our nose and wondering why everything smells suspiciously burnt. Anybody here ever try sticking a fork in an outlet? Better yet, have we experimented with wearing our heaviest clothes and jumping into a lake? Super fascinated with the potential outcome of this stuff. Let me know.
i throw my used car batteries in the lake though
BOSS: MAKE A DOLLAR I MAKE A DIME. WATERMELON KIWI APPLE AND LIME