๐๐ก๐ ๐ ๐๐ฅ๐ญ ๐ข๐ฌ ๐ง๐จ๐ฐ ๐๐ข๐ซ๐ข๐ง๐ ! A proud, family-managed enterprise operating outside the boundaries of narrative stability, the Felt is looking to renew an expansion initiative under the continued supervision of myself, pending direct oversight by Lord English of multiversal destruction fame. Applicants are encouraged to review the following qualifications before submission. Our standards are exacting. Applicants are expected to exhibit a certain cultivated flair. We are not interested in recruiting common goons who grunt through their problems akin to bovines wandering into traffic. We seek individuals with presence. Those among you who understand that presentation is not ancillary to violence, but rather violence's elegant twin sibling. A proper Felt operative should be capable of entering a room and causing discomfort or envy without speaking a single word. The best among you will manage it without even entering the room. Experience with temporal anomalies, organized tactics, occult practices, cue sports, assassination, extortion, psychological warfare, or narrative manipulation is preferred. Applicants capable of violating causality in a pleasing manner are especially encouraged to apply. Do not be embarrassed to specify your supernatural or otherwise absurd gimmick. Naturally, some may inquire as to workplace expectations. The only real requirement is professionalism. The Felt is an institution that values decorum, punctuality, and loyalty. One should arrive to assignments properly dressed, armed, and psychologically prepared for the possibility that one's coworkers possess foreknowledge of one's own death. Such circumstances should not interfere with productivity. You will find the work stimulating. At times, literally so. Gunfire is common, alongside paradoxes, doomed timelines, eldritch encounters, internal betrayals, and long stretches of deeply uncomfortable silence shared between dangerous individuals in suits so expensive entire civilizations had to culminate and work themselves to death to produce them. The benefits package is exceedingly generous. Employees receive a wardrobe stipend sufficient to maintain the organization's dignified chromatic standards. Resurrection leave is provided where applicable. Dental coverage remains available in stable timelines. You will enjoy access to private galas, exclusive social functions, and networking opportunities with aristocrats, immortals, and monsters of social standing. Few organizations offer advancement opportunities capable of transcending time itself. Some applicants may express concern regarding upward mobility. You will discover the Felt embraces meritocracy with admirable sincerity. Demonstrate your competence, survive impossible odds, assassinate your targets in a stylish manner, and your ambition will be rewarded. Of course, failure is punished. You will be guided, observed, curated, and cultivated with the same care one might apply to an ornamental species in a gilded laboratory. The Felt does not inherently promise safety, morality, or psychological wellbeing. What I offer is vastly more valuable. Importance. After all, obscurity is the closest thing your species has to true death.
AND THANK FuCK WE HAVE A MIDDLE MANAGER. MY MIDDLE NEEDS MANAGING. I NEED SOMEONE QuALIFIED AND SPECIAL TO RuB AT MY EXPOSED uNDERBELLY WITH SuBDuED PITTER PATTER. FINGER TuTS. AND MEANDERING MASSAGE. WHENEVER I EAT TOO FAST. AND NEED TO BE MORE HORIZONTAL. MORIZONTAL IF YOu WILL. NEW WORD. FOR A WHILE.
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APPLY INSIDE. TERMS AND RESTRICTIONS APPLY. MANY WILL PLAY. FEW WILL SuRVIVE.
:o) Always happy to be of assistance, my Lord. :o) My deft fingers will dance like the sugarplum fairies of Cherub lore :o) Over your round belly :o) Easing your aches and pains while your claws dip into the paints I have provided nearby. :o) For you to alter my paint pattern :o) So that you are not bored.
YEAH, SO, TO BE CLEAR I HAVE NO RELATION TO WHATEVER WEIRD SHIT MY SON AND THIS GUY ARE DOING.
YEAH. SO TO BE CLEAR. NOT RELATED TO THIS FuCKING DIPSHIT HACK OF A CLOWN. WHO LARPS AS AN ALCOHOLIC CHERuB. AND I HAVE WAY BETTER RELATIONSHIPS WITH THE WOMEN AND MEN HE WISHES HE WAS DOING. WE ACTuALLY HAVE SEVERAL RESTRAINING ORDERS PuT OuR AGAINST HIM. AS IN. IF YOu SEE HIM. SEIZE HIM. PREFERABLY WITH TEETH. AND KEEP BITING CHuNKS OuT uNTIL NONE REMAIN. tumut
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