♠ hated by @arbitraryCarnage
From the research my legal team performed during my lobbying to criminalize all forms of godfiction depicting sexual or otherwise unflattering dynamics: a list of "ships" (abbreviated "relationships") and my opinion on them in the context of said fiction.
This platform's user base has me so dadgum paranoid that I just stopped dead in my tracks with my finger hovering over the "send" button on a PERFECTLY innocuous post concerning my new pedicure. On second thought. You don't need to see that. <:| #Perverts #Freaks And other various #SexualMiscreants
WHY WOULD YOU SIT ON A CAKE? #NSFW? #SUGGESTIVE? IS IT? SOMEONE TELL ME. ... NO, DON'T TELL ME. This should be criminalized. Posthaste.
#AskJane (For filtering purposes.) https://forms.gle/QCXjwQNjk7cNpHC58 QUESTION: (V)(',,')(V) how m℧ch 7 cld a 6 6 7 if a 67 cld 67 ANSWER: https://macmillanenglish.com/level-test/
#AskJane (For filtering purposes.) https://forms.gle/QCXjwQNjk7cNpHC58 QUESTION: gay son or thot daughter? ANSWER: I don't know what "thot" means, but daughter over son regardless of descriptive modification. Sons have their place, but in this scenario... Daughter. #NotBecauseHesGay #BecauseHesAMan #Ally
https://forms.gle/AQ2kK3VevMowUk8o8 QUESTION: do the dark/light triad quiz im curious // idrlabs.com/light-triad-dark-triad/test.php ANSWER: This seems to be potentially backed by pseudoscience, but OK. Unreal Heiress, take this quiz as me.
It's about time Meenah overthrew that measly cultural impersonator. How you've all been so copacetic with his rule for months is beyond me.
Happy Father's Day! :B I am fortunate to have been raised by a man of such esteem that it occasionally appears he was downright MADE to be a dad! (Though I suspect this must be mere coincidence, and a symptom of how effortlessly he has taken on the mantle of responsibility. Hmmmm.) It warms my heart to recount the numerous ways in which I witnessed my father try to curry my favor by way of relatability, all the while relegating his own true cornball passions to the back burner. His attempts to reach my stubborn teenage ego burst forth from his poor gentle heart, not at all unlike the spring-snakes at the bottom of a tube of fake peanut brittle. #girldad As an aspirational future parent myself, I can only hope to achieve a fraction of this success. If I'm half as good a mom as he was a dad, my own children will be at least half as great as their mother. :B And really, at a certain point we must set a reasonable threshold of expectation. What was I saying? Oh, yes. Happy Father's Day, Dad. You are a pillar of masculinity and you starch a button-down like you were born in the back of a dry cleaner. In my circle, it is a doggone novelty to even have a parent simultaneously living and respectable enough to maintain regular contact. That being said, I've added a new rotation to your security detail. Don't forget to check in with my office scheduler for your next routine healing. @timaeusTestified#0414 Can you coordinate his next appointment. He's looking a little pruned, lately. Love you, Dad!
REPOST. #OldYoutubePlaylist https://cytu.be/r/gutsyGumshoe
Ok RL thank you for that.
Twenty-five minutes and counting until the #OldYoutubePlaylist stream. Hope to see you there!
#OldYoutubePlaylist is now live! We'll begin in just a few minutes. https://cytu.be/r/gutsyGumshoe
To reiterate, the #OldYoutubePlaylist will air from 11 AM EST tomorrow morning until it ends, which presumably will be around 8 PM. All are welcome to attend. I'll be posting the link shortly before airtime and throughout the day. Feel free to blacklist #OldYoutubePlaylist to avoid the reminders. DISCLAIMER. I am merely purporting to have cultivated an ERA-ACCURATE playlist. I cannot speak to your personal enjoyment. If you get onto the OLD YOUTUBE PLAYLIST and find the comedic stylings of "Like Mah Status," "Fred Goes Swimming," "Charlie the Unicorn," and "Taking The Hobbits to Isengard" to be dated and blase, I CANNOT HELP YOU. :B See you there!
Are we BACK to posting about our various smells? Ok, very well! :B My #SignatureScent is NOT a fragrance which can be purchased "off the rack," as it were. It is olfactory couture, and the formula is proprietary. You would know it instantly if you smelled it, but recreating the exact proportions is impossible. It is like the formula for Coca-Cola that way! It has been engineered- shall we say maximized?- for the precise balance between the natural pH of my skin and the underlying chemical signals. TOP NOTES: Condensed Milk / Fresh Fig / Vanilla Orchid MIDDLE NOTES: Vanilla / Brown Sugar / Puff Pastry / Baked Pear BASE NOTES: Milk Cream / Musk / Skin / Cashmir Wood / Amber @insufferablePrick Thoughts? Confirm/deny/rate for accuracy? :B
Wow. That looked substantially less shitty when minimized.
Ahem. The Old Youtube playlist is more or less complete at 140 separate videos and spanning over eight hours. I plan to stream the playlist live on Saturday with a repeat viewing on Sunday, time permitting. The plan is to begin around lunch time both days with the stream carrying on through supper and into the early evening. Shall we say 11 AM EST to around 8 PM EST? We'll distribute the link on the morning-of. You are all welcome to attend for some or all of the viewing. See you there! #YoutubeParty #PutYourClothesBackOn
I lied. Put your clothes back on. We're watching old Youtube for the next six hours. Excluding official music videos, but including noteworthy brand advertisements. Justin Beiber's Baby is out. Rebecca Black's Friday is in. Old Spice "The Man Your Man Could Smell Like" is a-go. We have a sensible bouquet of Key of Awesome, The Gregory Brothers, and the RESPECTABLE Lonely Island skits. The old ones, with the homemade aesthetic. We have a thirty minute block of talking and/or emoting baby videos, followed by an Annoying Orange "Wazzup" palate cleanser, immediately followed by thirty more minutes of various cat videos. Nyan Cat falls under the animated chapter of the docket rather than the feline, for what I hope are obvious reasons. We then have a full hour of adult men angrily reviewing various pieces of media AND/OR ragequitting from a game. I like to mix my unjustifiable tirades with full-blown meltdowns for variety. From there we dive headfirst into the animation section. I've compiled a Llamas with Hats extended edit, amongst others. Then I say we cut a left to comedic skit dub-overs, culminating in The Crazy Nastyass Honey Badger. Then onto the bloopers. We have a SUPERCUT of various gaffes and boners ranging from popular cinematic works to voice-acting to news reels. Our musical outro will be the DJ Earworm United State of Pop 2008, 2009, 2010, and 2011 in that order. THEN if you're still feeling froggy, we can pivot to old-school brawling videos caught on tape, from your phone, under the blankets. You will have to hold the phone up. And then sex I guess. #NSFW.
No comment.
Sorry, I blacked out for a second.
Wonka. There's a background movie for your impending sugar coma. :B How did it go? There's chocolate, and there's *chocolate.*
Don't worry. I've saved the scraps and leftover frosting. There are leftover cake-parfait cups in the fridge.
Are you perhaps high.
@carbolicGalvanologist I would be remiss not to deliver upon my promise to celebrate your presence in my life- in the only dark, earthy tones that seem to proportionately convey my appreciation. Behold. I have named her The Bogtrotter. Twenty-four layers and ten inches in diameter. Roughly the weight of a rotund first-grader. Old Bruce himself could not have served you better if he'd been liquefied and baked into a juvenile diabetic puck. Happy Wriggling Day, KV. From your pal. :B
Oh my god, yes.
@timaeusTestified#0414 Quick poke? Have you any time on your schedule for a poor beleaguered executive looking to enjoy her weekend? 🧠
OK IM GIVING THE LHONE TO DIRK NOW
Interesting that now of all times is when you choose to step to me for a challenge. Too intimidated to approach without the digital mask of Dior Rouge lipstick and a custom-tailored blazer/pencil skirt combo?
I have been handed total control of the Crocker megaphone. Jane voluntarily surrendered her phone to me as an ingenious tactical gambit for herself, and a devastating blow to her audience. Our condolences go out to those who may have been looking forward to usual series of sloppily typed candid confessions. Instead, you're getting me. -DS
Blue clues. - Is Jane
She has all the help she needs. Save that energy towards a thoughtful decision on what to buy from her gift registry.
Counterpoint: Yes...
While I've got you here, be sure to mosey on over to @timaeusTestified#0414 and pick out a subscription plan at PlushRump.com. For all your plush pervert and felt fanatic needs.
Hoo hoo hoo!
Great question! I highly encourage consumers to zhoosh up their box mixes. As a matter of fact, one of my favorite uses of our Super Moist cake mix is to modify the recipe into a sumptuous cookie dough. :B The texture is incredibly soft and chewy. Like a less dense frosted sugar cookie. I top it with a coating of crispy royal icing once it's cooled for a layer of snap.
You're a worse entrepreneur than I thought if THAT paltry crap is all you have to sell me! :B I think you do! I find you terribly concerned with the man in my britches! WHY you're so affixed to the thought is another matter entirely. There are two possible explanations, and only one gives me fever-chills of total disgust.
Oh, hmmm! I could tell you!! Who helps me eat at night, that is. But I think you could take a whack at satisfying your own curiosity. Believe me. He is more than willing to leap out of bed to grab us BOTH some hard-earned concessions.
I was scrolling at a leisure-pace through the reacts and comments when I happened upon this obvious display of your fixation on me, actually! At this point, the only impression which you have made upon me is that the moment I do anything, you are pacing angrily around your own hive, muttering to yourself and pulling your braids in distress. So shall we leave it at the petty shit-flinging or would you care to explain why it is you keep such a keen eye on my profile? :B
Oh, I daresay between the two of us, you're built more like the fork!
Shopping trip. #BettyCrocker #Reup #NeedMyMix #Yummers!
Unreal Heiress, play Heist by Ben Folds.
Oh, will you, nameless social media random? Will you "give me" that. Thank you for conceding that point to me.
... You're not much of a thinker, are you.
On what grounds? Go on. Explain yourself, if you're so keen to holler your brainless opinions at me. :B
I categorize it more within the "brunch" crowd, myself.
WHY are strip clubs the midday topic of discussion? I have never set foot in such a den of lecherous self-indulgence. I don't get the appeal. You don't even get to... I mean, what is the point if you aren't allowed... Anyhow. In the words of a wise man. "Strippers do nothing for me. I like a strong, salt-of-the-earth, self-possessed woman at the top of her field... But I will take a free breakfast buffet anytime, any place." Breakfast buffet tier list.
I'm afraid if I tell you it's particular to your case, you'll get so excited your paltry brain bleeds.
I notice you still follow my account. Don't get overzealous. I am certain that the allowance of even my momentary attention is enough to send you leaping out of your britches. But really. Have some decorum. :B
I see you finally fixed that cockeyed snaggletoothed suffix of yours.
Some of you seem to have hailed from the Land of Loudmouths, Caterwauling, and Obnoxious Windbags. Because you are reigning strong over LOLCOW.
How it feels to like my daily Gloomweiss post on the virtue of kindness before returning to slap-box my own comment section.
I didn't do that.
Waiting on @cuttlefishCabbalist to go out! The evening promises to be an exciting one. :B
Errr...
This is so funny. Are you coming tonight.
Ok. No.
Who are you.
@cuttlefishCabbalist @golgothasTerror Just checking in! When you're done pregaming, give me a heads up. I have the limousine primed. ... Air conditioning running!
... THANK you.
Remind yourself to repeat that sentiment to me if you ever need to earn an instant tally toward my favor.
Thank you!
Are YOU going to toss me around that ring?
Thank you.
Considering #RumbleNight never came to full fruition, there's no harm in posting one or two of the early promotional photos.
How do I unrechit this.
Spot on.
I was merely BEING INQUISITIVE, good lord. If you told me you were failing to acquire a willing genital participant, TRUST ME when I tell you I'd take you at your word. #nsfw I guess.
... Is that even possible.
... And pray tell what in blue blazes a "femcel" is??
WHAAAAT. Ha ha. Who could ever be mad at you. WHO HAS EVER SUCCESSFULLY EXERCISED THE EMOTION OF ANGER AT YOU? WITHOUT HAVING IT RICOCHET BACK INTO THEIR FACE LIKE A DEFLECTED PROJECTILE? WHO COULD POSSIBLY MANAGE TO STAY ANGRY AT YOU WITHOUT HAVING THEIR JUSTIFIABLE VITRIOL TWISTED BACK INTO THEIR OWN FLESH LIKE AN INGROWN CLAW.
I don't know! I'm realizing this is coming across more as an advertisement than an insult. Which is on me for not clarifying. I'm calling my own companions unscrupulous loose-legged tramps.
SAFETY TIP: NECESSARY IMPLEMENTS FOR ANY FRIENDS YOU CARE ABOUT, IF YOU HAPPEN TO *DARE* BRING THEM AROUND THE ALPHA KIDS, BY THE BY.
What the hell.
Yes, Pinkie Pie. Thank you, Pinkie Pie.
Sometimes all you want to be is an #Ally, but the community plumb shapes an #Enemy out of you.
Would you fucking mind terribly not to give away my secret sauce in front of everyone like a blithering moron scribbling through a personal diary.
Sniffle.
YES.
@caligulasAquarium @timaeusTestified#0414 @tumblingTenet KILL.
GET THE FUCK OFF MY POST YOU STUPID BITCH.
Wrong answer.
Not good enough.
@terminallyCapricious#2753 I suggest you get her.
... You two know each other.
Guh.
Thank you. This is a sobering machete through the underbrush of my mind. I'll follow up with you privately.
SOMEONE FREE ME FROM THIS FUCKING TORMENT. @consultingGoodness I lay my life at your feet. I give up. The reprobates of this godforsaken website have broken me. Celibacy. Teach me. I implore you.
I can't breathe .
WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM.
Celibacy. I have simply been wounded too many times. #Celibate #CelibatePride #DryGirlSummer
You said you were taking me to an all-girls bar. I cannot imagine a safer or more welcoming environment for a #DryGirl than that!!
Girl.
To be fair. Which I'm being now that I'm #celibate. That could have just as easily been an earnest test of my resolve!
Don't fret your head. It would have been a "no" yesterday, too.
Day one of absolute celibacy. #Suggestive #NSFW I guess? #CelibatePride #HappyPride #BetterThanYou
I thought you were omniscient. What is with the speculation.
You wouldn't have time for a #DailyQuest if you had a #FullTimeJob.
NEVAR!
Sory.
Sin ce I am nice and scramnbled, BOMBS AWAY! TRUE ANSWERRS ONLY! https://forms.gle/RfijxURAUHfDpkcR7 #notsubstanse #lobotomy #substance
QUASTION: girl... hospital ANSWER: Is a self cleaning oven. (Self fhealing.) (HEad) QUESTION: if hello kity was real would u and i be best friends ANSWERE; ABSOFRUITLY! QUESTON: Does the fair Miss Crocker prefer milk or dark chocolate? ASWER: Milk!!!!!!!!!!!!! QUESTION: aNyOnE eVeR tOlD yOu ThAt YoU'rE sO mOtHeR fUcKiNg SwEeT tO bEhOlD wHeN yOu'Re ShWaStEd? :o) ANSER: Augh ugh hgh snfl Sniffle. https://forms.gle/RfijxURAUHfDpkcR7
QUESTION: are you ever going to ask out any of those bearded men you lust after on the timeline ANSWER: #nsfw Maeby. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/ebd840ee6892.webp https://forms.gle/RfijxURAUHfDpkcR7
https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/eb32f2938b19.gif
QUESTION: 1F TH3R3 W3R3 TW0 GUYS 0N TH3 M00N 4ND 0N3 0F TH3M K1LL3D TH3 0TH3R 0N3 W1TH 4 R0CK W0ULD TH4T B3 FUCK3D UP 0R WH4T? ANSWER: IF tyhis happened to me I would be s opissed off. QUESTION: ｢konnichiwa!! kekeke~~ (ФωФ) kyuu~ jane-chan!! megane-san wants to knyaw ヽ(○・▽・○)ノ゛what kind of pantsu does anata prefer?~ (^_^) kyuu~~ as a kyutieful girl with kurasa, you seem like... a resu pantsu type of reidi... but megane-san doesn't know! (´ﾟЗﾟ｀) kyaahhh~ ＼(^_^)／ let megane-san knyow, jane-sensei!｣ [TRANSLATOR'S NOTE: pantsu means... *gets hit on the nub with the back of an eraser* gyah!! ( :ﾟ皿ﾟ) megane-san won't be a baka hentai!! kurasa means class ＼(^_^)／ jane-chan is a classy lady! resu means... lacy~~☆ kekeke... reidi means lady!] ANSWERR: THISS was siuch a journey to read. I needed a Lard of the Rangs amountof time to get through its. I dident goet to go to normal schools in middle schol but I think thewy would have ebeaten you criminaly. https://forms.gle/RfijxURAUHfDpkcR7
NEvar happend.
That person does not exist to me. I refuse to dignify it.
You have the All-American propeller hat moniker of a nine year old boy trying out for the neighborhood stickball team, but ok, "CASPER COOPER." Scuff your little shoes up to the plate and see what comes of your swinging arm.
These videos have MILLIONS of views, presumably all from Alternian trolls. I daresay I am not the only one buying the funny farm, here!
Are you.
You have the coordinates! It's a two hour playlist.
... Unreal Heiress, play saved playlist TOP 50 ALTERNIAN HEIRESS USURPATION FAILS CAUGHT ON CAMERA.
#AskJane -- Question: doo you ship #DIRKJAKE or #JAKEDIRK ftw -- Answer: I have never in my life voluntarily contemplated the arrangement of this particular entanglement. It is ALWAYS being presented to me, in equal proportion of appeal to, say, the anus of a housecat attempting to identify itself. YES, I RECOGNIZE YOU. Yes, I am sure this is something you are excited to offer for my perusal, but good gravy, get that tushy out of my face!!! ... That being said. Here's the poll, I guess. https://poll-maker.com/poll5785981x4f474EB6-168 https://forms.gle/ypsj9r2BhnLdaGVK9
Unreal Heiress, play Hold On by Wilson Phillips.
SHE'S NOT LISTENING TO YOU.
I know.
This is a joke. Actually. I equally hate it when HE does it.
@chillerAficionado He's scraping our bit.
Unreal Heiress, play No More I Love Yous by Annie Lennox. Or whichever song of hers is the one that goes doopie doopie doop doop doop oh.
I'm interpreting that you might not have much water in that coconut between your fins.
Don't shave it.
SAVE YOUR WHORING FOR SOME MALLEABLE HOLE WHO CARES, YOU UNSCRUPULOUS OLD TEMPTOR.
... Ew. You are not doing much in the way of avoiding your untimely fate in this matter by creeping on my sister before my very eyes!!!!
. What? ... Excuse me?
... Tease.
OH SHUT UP.
WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM.
STOP SENDING ME THIS IMAGE.
You know, you wouldn't have to make such grand gestures of penance if you managed to mind yourself to begin with. ... I will consider your offer.
Humph.
Oh my GOD. :|
I know you do.
Men don't strike this pose the way they did on Earth of yore. The precise complexion of his charms have been lost to time. Rest in peace, Doug. You could have taught them how to Dougie- and just maybe you would have.
It means nothing AND I trust my friends AND I'm doing just swell.
No "or." Never "or."
... This probably means nothing.
I take it my invitation was lost in the mail. :B
... Aw. :B
(You're not a simp.)
Is that why you're so concerned? ... You know that won't happen, don't you? D'aww. No one could ever come between what it is that we have. :B
Goodness gracious, you two. Can't a girl make thinly veiled exclamations of paranoia in peace with neither real-time social media vivisection NOR a spotlight-stealing pair of comment section brawlers?
Woah.
Hmmmm! This would sure read like an attempt to air my most intimate dirty laundry out on the public feed were it at all an accurate assessment of my own internal self! Bloomers flapping in the wind! Well, no thank you! Because THIS GAL could not be peachier if you fuzzed her down and stuck her with a pit.
NOPERS! NOPERONI, EXTRA CHEESE! BECAUSE I AM PLUMB. CHEDDAR BEAMING. ABOUT THIS NEW DEVELOPMENT.
I'm actually fine.
Feferi and Jake. Right. Naturally. A combination a sensible as the old fluffernutter. Age-old friends with malicious intentions in the ZILCH range. Hanging out. Performing physical exertion. Probably in skin-tight clothes. As one does. Sweating. Grunting. That's just peachy to old Jane. I. LOVE. WHEN MY FRIENDS BECOME FRIENDS. I WISH WE COULD ALL JUST. MELT TOGETHER. INTO ONE BIG SIZZLING AMALGAM. FRIENDBORG. HEY, WHEN'S THE LAST TIME WE PITCHED A FRIENDBORG? IS ANYONE FEELING INCLINED? I'M BORED. LET'S DO A FRIENDBORG. THAT WAY WE CAN ALL BE TOGETHER. EQUALLY. BOY. WITH THE WAY THESE TWO ARE PIGEONHOLED OFF TO ONE SIDE YOU'D THINK THEY WERE
#BFFs #sisters #missyou #glubyou @cuttlefishCabbalist
Boy, do I ever.
#BFFs #sisters #glubyou #derp #GetYourDerpOn
#BFFs #sisters #qualitytime #blessed #glubyou
I do hope you'll pardon my tardiness- although you'll be pleased to know the ball is already rolling at Crockercorp HQ on our #PrideMonth festivities. I would like to wish a VERY happy pride to the various LGBTQ+ individuals of this userbase, and commend their continuous courage and authenticity. Frankly, I wasn't going to say anything, given the binormative standards of Alternian society to which I've been educated. DO trolls celebrate Pride? And for that matter, would it be... LGSTQ+? "S" for Straight? ... Is it Straight Pride Perigee? Anywhoodle. A VERY happy Pride to you all, straight or no. #LGBTQ #LGBTQIA #LGSTQ #LGSTQIA #StraightPride #Ally #Straight
In the interest of avoiding casual spoilers, I'm going to let that warning slide.
Believe it or not, we argued in the test kitchen over whether or not the drip was a touch on the nose. #BehindTheScenes #PrideMonth #Ally #GayCake #JustLikeYou
#PrideMonthMoment, brought to you by #CrockercorpPride! Can you tell me which of these poppers is MADE OF CAKE?
Is that offer presented with the caveat that you'll ditch to stuff your gob with Carmella's manigott?
Will you?
:| ... Thank you. Actually, Feferi helped me wrap up last night. She was hot on the prowl for any artifacts which might impede my personal progress!
Cleaning out my desk. #StraightPride #Ex #NotExStraight #ExBoyfriend #StillStraight #FYI
Shall we perhaps endeavor to remedy this? Maybe over dinner? :B
Unreal Heiress, play How Deep Is Your Love by the Bee Gees.
PLEASE invoice me for this VALUABLE MARKET DATA SERVICE.
Ok. I am wondering if you had a purpose in expressing this opinion aside from picking a fight? I don't really know who you are, across the larger gamut of Roxy Lalondes with whom I am more familiar. So... congratulations? Sorry that happened? Does that satisfy you, random pedestrian? :B
Another self-indulgent lark into the minds of this site's lecherous, finger-gnawing populace! Go froth! Sorry, I mean forth. https://forms.gle/LNE7NEbxRcUs9sJT8
https://forms.gle/c9m2WCwJMk1dWbyU6 QUESTION: }(]]]]]) < alriǦht alriǦht so how do you feel about small time hunǦry ambitious BIǦ SHOTS who are slowly but surely accumulatinǦ a web of contacts and resources like what do you think should be the next ₽riority for movinǦ from small time to MULTI FIǦURE kind of work and what do you recommend for accountinǦ for inflation ǦoinǦ from alternian markets to earth markets > ([[[[[){ ANSWER: Do I LOOK like personal finance mogul, radio show host (and notoriously frigid piece of ass) Dave Ramsey? I don't dispense that sort of advice pro bono. ... DM me.
https://forms.gle/c9m2WCwJMk1dWbyU6 QUESTION: So you have the apple bottom jeans? Perhaps some boots with the fur to go along with them? And have you ever gotten "low" while wearing them? ANSWER: I don't know from what source you've scavenged this information, given my general aversion to public casual-wear. But yes! I happen to have a pair. I may even consider wearing them out, or at the very least to a private social gathering. ... Given they still zip. We'll see.
https://forms.gle/c9m2WCwJMk1dWbyU6 QUESTION: hAvE yOu FeLt LiKe YoU'vE bEeN oN tRaCk To ImPrOvInG yO'sElF? oR hAs ThE pRoGrEsS fElL tO tHe WaYsIdE? :o) ANSWER: :| Thank you for the check-in. I know precisely which iteration of which individual THIS happens to be. And for your information, bub. I am lion-level dandy.
https://forms.gle/c9m2WCwJMk1dWbyU6 QUESTION: W) (y are you LIT----ERALLY so perfect and coral and awesome? 38? ) (U) (???? ) (U) (!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?! ANSWER: Hrmm! Lead investigators have been attempting to crack this very caper for eons! Shall we postulate to say... that I am flourishing under the influence of THE greatest sister known to womankind? :p
https://forms.gle/c9m2WCwJMk1dWbyU6 QUESTION: are you ever going to ask out any of those bearded men you lust after on the timeline ANSWER: EXCELLENT question. Misappropriation of my interest, though. Bump the chin. The lip is what holds MY attention. And absolutely not. Much like the grubby-handed peasant boy knows not to pick the beautiful roadside wildflowers, lest they wilt in his sweaty little grip.
I know. :(
I KNOW.
https://forms.gle/c9m2WCwJMk1dWbyU6 QUESTION: so... whats the word on you and that guy from the masquerade? ANSWER: ... Hmph. You saw that. We shared a singular, passionate embrace. And upon our second meeting, he ditched me, like some frumpy fool waiting at the end of her own driveway for the prom night limousine that will never arrive. :(
https://forms.gle/c9m2WCwJMk1dWbyU6 QUESTION: WHAT DOES *YOUR* FACIAL HAIR LOOK LIKE? ANSWER: What sort of question is this. Are you trying to be funny. On Straight Pride Perigee?
https://forms.gle/c9m2WCwJMk1dWbyU6 #nsfw #suggestive #selfharm QUESTION: Marry, Fuck, Kill. The Handlebar, the Imperial, and the Parted Pencil. ANSWER: It is common misconception to attribute Handlebar to what we in the business of know would consider a Hungarian. The Imperial sports wider, thicker wings in comparison to the fanciful finger-twirling tendrils of the Handlebar proper. It certainly sports a more wholesomely masculine look. This is a toughie. The parted pencil is another type of appeal altogether. It offers little in the way of flirtatious finger-curling when nose-to-nose, but there is something else entirely to be said about the frictive properties. F to the Pencil. M to the Imperial. K, regrettably, and PLEASE BELIEVE I would have turned that barrel selfward if permitted to spare him, to the Handlebar.
I've sampled Samantha's other works. It seems her register was stretched up to bursting on this track to meet the flutish standards of Mr. Gibbs and co.
Perfectly fine!
Unreal Heiress, play Emotion by Samantha Sang and the Bee Gees. And dim lights to 40%.
https://forms.gle/x4TxK9MCvd3betJ57 QUESTION: IF YOU HAD TO PICK A COLOR WHERE EVERYTHING OF THAT COLOR SHOWS YOUR NAME ON IT WHICH COLOR WOULD IT BE AND WHY? FOR ME IT WOULD DEFINITELY BE GREEN OR WHITE. ANSWER: ... I feel like I've been approached by an unattended third grader. Er. Red.
WHAT?! WHAT? WHAT? Direct message me.
WHAT?!
https://forms.gle/x4TxK9MCvd3betJ57 QUESTION: this is very important i need to know how many doors there are in a 5 mile radius from you rounded to the nearest 12 ANSWER: Unreal Heiress, do that math. Use the development blueprints of the Crockercorp Headquarters Compound at a central radius of approximately five square miles from the Center Prong out. ... 9,192.
Are you whipping out proper capitalization as a measure of seriousness, or are you just feeling loosey-goosey regarding your own typing quirk. As you seem to be wont to do. :B
HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO. Oh, good lord. PLEASE give that a try. I'd love to see it.
I can defend myself perfectly well, but I take offense to accusations of going "unseen" by society at large... from an iteration of yourself sporting such abysmal clout with her "own people." And, frankly, I had a meeting. :B
https://forms.gle/x4TxK9MCvd3betJ57 QUESTION: Unlimited bacon, but no games. Or games, unlimited games, but no games? ANSWER: I'm presuming the end of your inquiry was intended to read "but no bacon." In which case I would forfeit games, as only one of the two currently occupies a significant portion of my life anyhow.
https://forms.gle/x4TxK9MCvd3betJ57 QUESTION: Does the fair Miss Crocker prefer milk or dark chocolate? ANSWER: Excellent question. I hover around the thirty percent cocoa range, which is double a milk but coming in just around half of what could be truly considered a "dark" chocolate. They each have their own applications- most often alongside one another within the very same dessert!
https://forms.gle/x4TxK9MCvd3betJ57 QUESTION: whats mewre fafurrite cake flavor ANSWER: Could you ask a mother to determine a favorite amongst her own children? ... Actually, that isn't even a fair comparison. It would probably be easier to establish a pecking order among your own offspring than to narrow down a sponge. Also. Are we talking sponge-filling-frosting COMBINATION? The mathematical possibilities are endless. I cannot supply you an answer on this one. The cake I've consumed and enjoyed MOST recently was our test recipe for Coconut-Banana Cream Cake. Summer catalog releasing June 20. Look forward to it.
... No offense to Nanna.
https://forms.gle/x4TxK9MCvd3betJ57 QUESTION: How would you feel if the world continued existing as if you were never born. ANSWER: Do I still exist in this scenario? Is this meant to feel harrowing to consider? There are probably a large handful of realities in which that possibility is made reality, and I am a big nameless nobody! THAT Jane probably feels perfectly fine by her own loser yardstick!
https://forms.gle/x4TxK9MCvd3betJ57 #nsfw QUESTION: What's the cut-off point between stubble or peach fuzz, and a proper mustache? Asking for a friend. ANSWER: Peach fuzz you can see in the light, but not feel. Stubble you can feel and easily see! A proper mustache makes you feel like someone just sat you on the corner of the washing machine on hard tumble. The difference between them is at which point you give up before achieving your own final form.
https://forms.gle/x4TxK9MCvd3betJ57 QUESTION: Why are you #woke ANSWER: It's Pride Month. I'm an #Ally to all LGBTQ+ parties, unless I personally don't like them or find them a nuisance to me socially. Which is also #woke because I am treating that individual the same as any other person.
https://forms.gle/x4TxK9MCvd3betJ57 QUESTION: Legally, this is purely a hypothetical, but do you think you could assist in the creation of life ala frankenstein or rocky horror? Someone stitches together the perfect hunky man and you zap them with life aspect? Or does it not work like that? ANSWER: FANTASTIC inquiry. I've had my own curiosities on the matter. It's my inclination to say that my own tether to the raw forces of Life is more straightforward and less transformative, but who knows! If you have yourself a flesh-mosaic which needs jolting, reach out to me by DM and I'll consider.
I'm not dignifying this spam with a response proper. I simply thought I would tack it to the board for your amusement! See below. QUESTION: What is your name? What is your Chittr Handle? What secret would your character protect even from someone they love? What promise has your character kept for the longest time? What promise has your character broken and never forgiven themself for? What does your character believe they are owed by the world? What does your character believe they owe to someone else? What is your character most afraid people will discover about them? What compliment does your character secretly crave? What insult would cut your character deepest? What ordinary chore does your character hate more than they admit? What everyday comfort makes your character feel safe? What smell instantly takes your character back to childhood? What sound makes your character tense before they know why? What food does your character associate with home? What food would your character refuse even when starving? What object does your character carry that has no practical use? What possession would your character risk their life to recover? What possession would your character sell first in desperation? What did your character want to become as a child? What did adults expect your character to become? What childhood belief did your character outgrow painfully? What childhood belief does your character still cling to? What was your character's first experience with failure? What was your character's first real victory? What moment taught your character to lie? What moment taught your character to trust? What is the earliest memory your character doubts is accurate? What family story does your character know by heart? What family story does your character suspect is false? What relative shaped your character the most? What social cue does your character notice before anyone else? What social cue does your character miss? What does your character assume too quickly? What does your character refuse to assume? What do others misinterpret about your character? What does your character misinterpret about others? What kind of silence comforts your character? What kind of silence terrifies your character? What tone of voice makes your character defensive? What tone of voice disarms your character? What does your character need to hear during conflict? What phrase makes your character angrier every time? What does your character do during an argument? What does your character do after an argument? What lie would your character tell to protect a relationship? What truth would your character reveal to end a relationship? What secret would your character tell only a lover? What secret would your character keep from a lover? What does commitment mean to your character? What does betrayal mean to your character? What betrayal would your character forgive fastest? What betrayal would your character never forgive? What relative does your character try not to resemble? What lesson did your character learn from their mother or mother figure? What lesson did your character learn from their father or father figure? What lesson did your character learn from a sibling, cousin, or peer? What did your character never receive enough of growing up? What did your character receive too much of growing up? What rule in their childhood home did your character resent? What rule in their childhood home does your character still follow? What did your character do as a child that everyone found strange? What childish habit has your character never fully lost? What childish habit did your character force themself to abandon? What name or nickname does your character hate being called? What name or nickname does your character wish someone would use? What does your character's handwriting look like? What does your character's room or private space reveal about them? What would someone find hidden under your character's bed or floorboards? What is always in your character's pockets or bag? What does your character look like when they are exhausted? What does your character look like when they are trying to impress someone? What physical feature does your character dislike most? What physical feature does your character secretly like? What scar, mark, or old injury has a story behind it? What does your character do with their hands when nervous? What does your character do with their voice when lying? What facial expression gives your character away? What posture does your character default to around authority? What posture does your character default to around friends? What kind of clothing makes your character feel powerful? What kind of clothing makes your character feel exposed? What color does your character avoid wearing? What color does your character choose when they want to be noticed? What personal grooming habit matters most to your character? What grooming habit does your character neglect? What is your character's relationship with mirrors? What is your character's relationship with photographs or portraits? What does your character think they look like to strangers? What does your character wish they looked like to strangers? What does your character consider beautiful? What does your character consider vulgar? What does your character find attractive despite themself? What does your character find repulsive for reasons they cannot explain? What does your character do when they wake up before anyone else? What does your character do right before sleep? What dream does your character remember most vividly? What recurring nightmare visits your character? What secret fantasy comforts your character during hard times? What does your character pray for, even if they are not religious? What would make your character stop praying? What does your character do when no one is watching? What behavior does your character only show around people they trust? What behavior does your character only show around people they dislike? What makes your character laugh too hard? What kind of joke does your character never find funny? What does your character pretend to understand? What does your character pretend not to notice? What subject could your character talk about for hours? What subject makes your character immediately defensive? What topic does your character change whenever it comes up? What question does your character wish someone would ask them? What question does your character dread hearing? What is your character's favorite lie to tell? What truth does your character phrase like a joke? What apology does your character still need to give? What apology does your character still need to receive? What apology would your character refuse to accept? What does forgiveness mean to your character? What does revenge mean to your character? What does justice mean to your character? What does mercy mean to your character? What does loyalty mean to your character? What does freedom mean to your character? What does love mean to your character? What does power mean to your character? What does weakness mean to your character? What does courage mean to your character? What does cowardice mean to your character? What does success mean to your character? What does failure mean to your character? What does home mean to your character? What does family mean to your character? What does honor mean to your character? What does shame mean to your character? What does your character believe makes a person dangerous? What does your character believe makes a person trustworthy? What does your character believe makes a person pathetic? What does your character believe makes a person admirable? What moral line would your character cross for survival? What moral line would your character cross for love? What moral line would your character cross for revenge? What moral line would your character never cross, even to survive? What law does your character respect most? What law does your character think is absurd? What social custom does your character follow without question? What social custom does your character quietly despise? What tradition does your character want to preserve? What tradition does your character want to destroy? What superstition does your character pretend not to believe? What superstition does your character obey without admitting it? What does your character believe happens after death? What would make your character question their faith or worldview? What event would make your character more devout? What kind of person does your character envy? What kind of person does your character pity? What kind of person does your character fear becoming? What kind of person does your character want to become? What kind of person does your character think they already are? What kind of person is your character wrong about being? What does your character think is their greatest strength? What is actually your character's greatest strength? What does your character think is their worst flaw? What is actually your character's worst flaw? What flaw does your character romanticize? What virtue does your character undervalue? What romantic gesture would work on your character? What romantic gesture would make your character leave the room? What makes your character jealous in friendship? What makes your character jealous in romance? What kind of affection does your character understand best? What kind of affection confuses your character? What kind of affection frightens your character? What does your character do when they have a crush? What does your character do when they are loved sincerely? What does your character do when someone flirts badly? What does your character do when someone flirts well? What kind of partner would challenge your character? What kind of partner would enable your character's worst traits? What vice does your character excuse in themself? What vice does your character condemn in others? What skill is your character proudest of? What skill is your character embarrassed not to have? What skill did your character learn out of necessity? What skill did your character learn to impress someone? What skill did your character abandon? What subject did your character struggle to learn? What subject came naturally to your character? What teacher or mentor figure changed your character's life? What teacher or mentor figure failed your character badly? What lesson did your character learn too late? What lesson did your character learn too early? What does your character do better under pressure? What does your character do worse under pressure? What situation makes your character freeze? What situation makes your character reckless? What danger does your character underestimate? What danger does your character overestimate? What does your character do immediately after surviving something terrible? What does your character do immediately after hurting someone? What does your character do immediately after being hurt? What does your character do after being praised? What does your character do after being humiliated? What does your character do when plans collapse? What does your character do after winning? What does your character do after losing? What does your character do when someone else takes charge? What does your character do when no one takes charge? What leadership style does your character respond to best? What leadership style does your character resist? What kind of follower is your character? What kind of leader is your character? What responsibility does your character avoid? What responsibility does your character accept too quickly? What job would your character be terrible at? What job would your character be surprisingly good at? What work makes your character feel useful? What work makes your character feel trapped? What does your character spend money on first? What does your character refuse to spend money on? What does your character save for? What debt does your character owe? What debt does your character believe can never be repaid? What gift would insult your character? What gift would your character give someone they fear? What gift would your character give someone they love? What does generosity look like from your character? What does selfishness look like from your character? What does your character hoard? What does your character throw away too easily? What would your character steal? What would your character never steal? What does your character think they deserve? What does your character think they do not deserve? What is your character's relationship with wealth? What is your character's relationship with poverty? What luxury would your character indulge in immediately? What hardship has your character normalized? What discomfort makes your character irrationally angry? What comfort makes your character suspicious? What environment relaxes your character? What environment makes your character feel hunted? What weather does your character love? What weather does your character dread? What time of day suits your character best? What season does your character associate with loss? What season does your character associate with hope? What place would your character never return to willingly? What place would your character return to despite the danger? What place exists only in your character's memory now? What place does your character lie about having been? What map would your character know without looking? What road, route, or path changed your character's life? What border does your character wish they had never crossed? What journey does your character still need to make? What is your character's relationship with animals? What animal does your character identify with? What animal unsettles your character? What plant, flower, or tree matters to your character? What natural phenomenon feels personal to your character? What machine, tool, or weapon feels personal to your character? What weapon would your character choose if all options were available? What weapon would your character use only in desperation? What does your character think violence is for? What does your character think violence cannot solve? What kind of opponent does your character respect? What kind of opponent does your character despise? What would make your character spare an enemy? What would make your character execute an enemy? What does your character do with prisoners? What does your character do with trophies? What does your character do with graves? What does your character do with the belongings of the dead? What funeral rite would your character want for themself? What funeral rite would your character arrange for someone they hated? What memory of death shaped your character most? What loss does your character talk about too easily? What loss does your character never mention? What grief has your character mistaken for anger? What anger has your character mistaken for grief? What does your character do when someone cries? What does your character do when they are about to cry? What does your character consider weakness in others? What weakness in others makes your character protective? What vulnerability does your character show first in a relationship? What vulnerability does your character hide until the end? What does your character need from a friend? What does your character offer as a friend? What does your character demand from a rival? What does your character offer as a rival?
https://forms.gle/2w9FseGAoHseZEcN7 QUESTION: ｢does jane-chan no yo ni... dtubers? ( ´∀｀)σ)∀`)｣ [TRANSLATOR'S NOTE: no yo ni means "like" which is a lesser version of suki, which means to "love"! ＼(^_^)／boku sukis dtubers!] ANSWER: ... Tubers? You're an odd one, barking up my tree over root vegetables. Here's a tier list. S: The almighty potato. A: Carrot. B: - for Beetroot. C: Drat. I ought to have turned this into an acrostic. I don't know. Turnips. Parsnips??
https://forms.gle/2w9FseGAoHseZEcN7 QUESTION: That is too many doors I'm sorry I'm so sorry that is too many doors i don't know what i can do for you I'm sorry get away from the doors please get away from them it's imperative you get away from the doors. I will be sending a safety checklist soon please be safe if the doors promise you things do not interact. ANSWER: WHAT THE HELL????
https://forms.gle/2w9FseGAoHseZEcN7 QUESTION: how does it feel to be that pretty... ANSWER: ... Oh. Thank you. I don't think I expected to receive any earnest praise from actual strangers. Most people utilize the anonymity of the askbox to be obnoxious, or skirt the boundaries of social propriety. Very kind.
... I don't know how, but I cherish you beyond the scope of human language in this moment.
OF ALL THE SPECULATIVE ORIGINS OF TAVROS CROCKER, I SINCERELY DOUBT THAT HE IS THE RESULT OF A LESBIAN ENTANGLEMENT!!!!!
Well, yes, obviously.
Don't ever say that to me again.
https://forms.gle/2w9FseGAoHseZEcN7 QUESTION: Would you make out with Roxy Lalonde sloppy style ANSWER: What? What. I don't. You want... Of all the preposterous- insufferable- INTENTIONALLY INFLAMMATORY- THIS IS OBVIOUSLY MEANT TO INCITE SOME SORT OF- WHY WOULD YOU EVEN ASK ME THAT? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO ANSWER THAT? YOU OBVIOUSLY WANT TO COMPLICATE MY PERFECTLY WHOLESOME FRIENDSHIPS. THIS BORDERS ON SOCIAL SABOTAGE. YOU WANT ME TO SAY SOMETHING TO EMBARRASS MYSELF. WELL, GUESS WHAT, BUCKARONI! NO FUCKING DICE! I BELIEVE YOU WILL FIND AS FAR AS MAINTAINING COMPOSURE GOES, I AM SIMPLY THE BEST THERE IS!!!!!
... Unreal Heiress, play No Children by The Mountain Goats.
@cuttlefishCabbalist #Sisters #BestFriends #GlubYou #Sisterhood #Memes #GetYourDerpOn
Unreal Heiress, shuffle Barry White.
This may the be the strangest message you'll ever receive but I do hope you'll take the time to read it and consider what I have to say. To put it simply, I would really appreciate it if the next time your birthday comes around you would request that your artist friends (who like to give you sexually oriented funnyman art as gifts) draw some funnyman other than Ron Swanson for you. The reason I ask this is that Ron Swanson is my fiance, and we're planning on getting married next June or July should everything go as planned financially speaking. And yes, I have actually found a wedding chapel that will let me marry someone that most people would consider a fictional character. Now before you go thinking "This girl is either completely crazy or just screwing with me." please hear me out on this. You see, I'm totally head over heels in love with Ron Swanson. I have been for about 11 months now and at this point I'm in a committed relationship with my Ronny. By that I mean I don't date anyone else, I don't sleep with anyone else, and I have zero interest in having any kind of relationship with anyone other than the stache I adore. I love him with all my heart and I'm 100% committed to that love. To express my love in a real tangible way I have a beautiful hand made custom Ron Swanson plushie that I can hug, kiss, cuddle up in bed to go to sleep with at night, and take out on the town to do all the fun things together that normal couples do. I take him out to eat at nice carnivorous restaurants, we go shopping together, I take him out for scotch, we do social activities together like hanging out with friends, seeing movies, etc. And I talk about him as if he is Ron, because to me he very much is. When I look at him I see Ron Swanson. When I talk with him I'm talking with Ron. When I hold him in my arms and kiss him there are no doubts in my mind that it's the funnyman I love who's lips are pressed against mine. And every morning when I open my eyes and see his head on the pillow next to mine, with his gorgeous furry lip staring back at me, I can't help but wonder how I ever got to be so lucky as to have a partner as smart, funny, handsome, and all around wonderful as him. All my friends and the people who know me well say that my love is a thing of beauty and quite admirable, but from the outside perspective of someone who doesn't know me you're probably going "Wow. That's pretty damn crazy." and wondering why I don't just go get a real husband. The truth is I've had plenty of real relationships and sexual partners in the 27 years I've been around. A few short relationships, one that lasted 7 years, and a total of 6 different sexual partners. So my love for Ron isn't out of a lack of real world intimacy or relationships, I just fell in love with him and my heart didn't give me much of a choice in the matter. But you know what? I'm totally happy with my love and my relationship. It may seem weird to you, but it fils me with joy every single day of my life and I've never been happier. So what if it's weird? If it makes me happy and it doesn't hurt anyone then where's the problem? I don't think there is one, and anyone who knows me well will tell you the same. Now your probably wondering why I'm telling you all this and how it concerns you. To you I'm sure Ron Swanson is just a cartoon character you think is really hot, so I imagine you wouldn't think anything of having your friends draw sexually explicit art of him as birthday gifts for you. And hey, I think he's really attractive too so I get where you're coming from there. I often go on pawneepussy.net and Rule34.Paheal to see what new erotic art people have drawn of him. But to me he's more than a sitcom character who's sexually attractive, he's my fiance who I love with all my heart and soon to be my husband. So it's been bothering me lately every time I go on those sites and see a dozen or so pieces of art people have drawn depicting my man in various sexual situations with the same person over and over, and that person happens to be you. Don't get me wrong here though, this isn't a jealousy thing. I'm very secure in my relationship. I know without question that Ron is just as faithful to me as I am to him, he's actually sitting on the couch next to me reading while I type this. He's very real to me and I know he's not sneaking out in the middle of the night to go have kinky sex with some famous artist. And I do respect your talent as an artist and an artist's creative freedom to draw whatever they want, that's cool. What bothers me is that in all these birthday images you've been getting Ron is always depicted as if he was your sexual plaything, drawn wearing a collar with your name on it or with a speech bubble saying something that would somehow suggest he was your property. And I know quite well that Ron Swanson is not your plaything nor your property, he's my fiance. So that bugs me a bit. What I find really loathsome though is your pension for degrading my partner in both your art and the fan art you've been receiving lately. Ron is a sweet and fairly vanilla little man who I treat with the utmost love and respect, and he definitely does not deserve to be portrayed as some kind of sexual slave who likes being dressed up in sleazy attire, wearing a coller, getting sodomized, and having his face ejaculated on. He's not into that kinda stuff and the fact that there's someone out there inthe world such as yourself who would desire to treat Ron that way, and have his friends support and validate his desires to demean and mistreat my partner by drawing pictures of him doing so, really does bother me. I don't take any issue with people having kinky sex as long as both parties consent to it and enjoy it, but I know quite well that my Swanny has no desire whatsoever to be treated like that. So next year, when your birthday comes around, keep in mind that Ron Swanson isn't just a lifeless caricature of masculinity to be objectified for your sexual gratification. He's the partner of someone who loves him very much, and by that time their husband. So both myself and Ronny would greatly appreciate it if you'd pick someone else to request erotic art of four birthday. Based on the very large amount of different staches you draw art of I imagine there has to be many other funnymen you find sexually attractive. I assume you'll probably just dismiss this message as the ramblings of a crazy person and likely ignore it, but if by chance you do take what I've had to say to heart, well... we'd appreciate it. #nsfw
HATE.
HATE.
I'VE BEEN HACKED.
You fix that cockeyed suffix in your profile settings or flee my comment section.
I did not crucify "a guy." I crucified Eridan, in a dedicated religious ceremony, both as an employer concerned with his professional development, AND... as a friend. A friend who determined he deserved it.
Good gravy. Some of your posts are so downright disturbing I look over my shoulder in paranoid embarrassment when I happen upon them, knowing DARN WELL my chair is against a wall and I am alone in this office.
I assure you he'll be quite fine! Despite his ALLEGED pain and suffering.
Our sentiments exactly, dear viewer!
A slight delay in TOTAL DRAMA ISLAND INTERDIMENSIONAL. #totaldramaisland #tdi @starPower Our beloved host has been BRUTALLY MAIMED in an assassination attempt by some bad actors gunning (quite literally, hoo!) for this production's downfall. Not even this charming dreamboat's namesake sponsored hairspray could shield his dome from a spray of nefarious projectiles. Chryss was healed posthaste, obviously, but like the bonafide Trollywood whiner he is, his contract of employment came with AMPLE allowance for time away from set in the case of his grievous injury. So we'll just be fine-tuning the sets and challenges in the meantime. Stay tuned!
OOC // HAHAHAHA I CAN EXPLAIN I CAN EXPLAIN
OOC // the equally stupid expanded custom JANE KIN FLOWER https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/f67926165357.png
What is this. Who sent this to me. What does it even mean. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/c85d6579cb53.png
Scientists have discovered the fringe alternate timeline in which the human Creators are all British in origin. Everything is the same, practically speaking, but it's Rouse and Rouxy Lalonde.
I took a stroll on down to the marketplace of ideas and they had your shit marked down to bottom of the barrel MALARKEY clearance section. Yellow sticker scratch-and-dent. It was shoved under the fixture and coated in dust. They practically paid me to take it off their hands.
Hrmmmm. You raise a good point.
Regarding @aeneasCaldarium's #CAGTTL. I have thoroughly reviewed both the content of these dossiers AND the general community backlash. My own personal revulsion aside, I must deliver down props where due for this greased-down reprobate's investigative chops. In a way, they're sales chops, and he is the community's MOST reviled door-to-door entrepreneur! It is a shame that burrowing betwixt the legs of a woman like a fat starving tick seems to occupy the greater share of his cognitive ability, because imagine what he could do if he weren't such a foaming pervert! I have seen the societal contributor that he is FIRSTHAND on the opposite face of the dimensional coin. Slight detraction: I wonder if Gameward has laid eyes on this open admission of desperation and his feelings on the matter. I must forward the guide to him later. BACK TO TOPIC. What else could I possibly say? Am I expected to unflinchingly take up the woman's side of this double shield wall? Normally, I say "very well, bub! And hand me that spear while you're at it!" But lordy, he has read you two so transparently that I daresay your iterations have COLLECTIVELY failed to preserve the mystery. He has you open like the morning paper, and you have permitted such prying eyes in exchange for the cheap thrill and the currency of fleeting romantic attention from a man you do not even actually want! There is a lesson about self-esteem to be delivered here by someone with a gentler touch than mine. For now, I shall simply say this. PLEASE, for the love of all womankind, get shrewd and don't just rummage for these cheap loose sexual extremities out of the bargain bin. #nsfw I guess.
Sniffle. Thank you.
...
I have already considered this option and am prepared to dispel misinformation with haste!
CLEARLY I ASSUMED BETTER OF MYSELF AND HER PARADOXICAL ITERATIONS.
What? No. He's not going to do one on me.
DO NOT COME OVER WE'RE HHAVING CA CALM ADULT DFISCUTTSION GHET THE FUCK OFF OF ME
I'll be careful bouncing his everloving DOME OFF THE FUCKING WALL.
@terminallyCapricious#2753 GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE, YOU PUTRID STAIN ON THE SAPIENT WORLD!!!!!!!!!
@caliglds
[ A blurry, pink-tinted photo of a bloody sleeveless hand wrapped so hard around Gamzee's neck that his eyes and tongue bulge out like Bart Simpson. He is missing several teeth, and the end of his clownish nose has been bitten so hard as to hang off by a thread. ] #nsfw #violence #gore
Er. No, sorry. Don't go. It's fine. I guess. :|
Guh.
DON'T YOU WORRY. YOUR FAMILIARITY WITH THE INTERIOR OF KITCHEN APPLIANCES IS ABOUT TO SPREAD BEFORE YOU LIKE A VAST NEW TERRITORY. YOU ARE NOT GOING IN THE FRIDGE. I WILL MAKE YOU BEG ME FOR THE COOL REPRIEVE OF THE CRISPER DRAWER. BUSTER, WE ARE HAVING GAMBURGER HELPER FOR DINNER! YOU'RE GOING HEAD FIRST INTO THAT FUCKING OVEN!!!!! #nsfw #violence #gore
GREAT. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME CAN'T YOU SEE IM IN THE MIDST OF A DOMESTIC DISPUTE HERE?
And have you got one yet.
Sorry. What.
... I will concede. Gamzee Makara thwarted my security detail and proceeded to knock the seeds straight out of my melon. A handful of times. A handful of dozen of times, if his posts are to be believed. Pardon me if I have trouble keeping count. But they say that the way to a man's heart ultimately is through his stomach. And folks, have I EVER got supper in the oven.
Oh.
Unreal Heiress, play Mr. Blue Sky by Electric Light Orchestra.
Swell. See you for dinner.
Me? No. I'll DM you the coordinates. Let me know if you need to facilitate the interdimensional jump.
@aeneasCaldarium Come over.
Minor domestic dispute. Mind your own honey beeswax.
I hear the pleas of the masses. But the solution here is NOT more wanton violence. No matter how you may strike this miserable starving poonhound, you will not deter him from the table! ... There is only one weapon left in my artillery. A single lethal projectile by which to silence this fool.
OH, NOT LIKE THAT, YOU FREAKS.
It is high time someone teach this amphibious cretin that he cannot, and I quote, "handle allat."
Cronus is here.
#nsfw I guess.
Oh my god.
What the hell is all over the floor.
THANK you, Cronus. This goes to show you that no one is beyond education. ... Is something burning? OH, GREAT BALLS OF FIRE.
... :(
Just get off my post.
BUTT OUT. YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!!!! AT LEAST HE'S OPENLY SUPPORTING ME, WHICH IS MORE THAN I CAN SAY FOR YOU, MR. "BOYS' NIGHT."
UNREAL HEIRESS, CANCEL OUR RESERVATION FOR THE POPE ROOM AT BUCA DI BEPPO!!!!!! @caligulasAquarium @timaeusTestified#0414 EAT THAT, YOU UTTER TRAITORS.
Just go. >:(
So sorry! His lord highness has commanded I not attempt to seek comfort from my own friends. Sleepover cancelled!
Dirk wins, everyone! Dirk wins ALL THE FRIENDS. Congratulations. Pile into the Pope Room, one and all! Behold Dirk's crops and see that they are positively SAGGING with fruit. I hope you're quite satisfied with yourself. Keep them. Forever!!!! GOOD BYE.
@uranianUmbra#4373 @tipsyGnostalgic#2248 @golgothasTerror Ahem. Slumber party! Tonight. Starting ASAP. Haul your rumps over here. I have all the necessary preparations.
No.
Unreal Heiress. Play Nobody by Mitski.
I'm going to bed.
@terminallyCapricious#2753 Wake up and get out of my house.
Blugh. Thank you. :|
DAMN IT. HOLD ON. Don't reset my foul mood with your pleasantries. I'm trying to hold the buzz on a solid prior-night tantrum.
Oh. Good morning, Nepeta.
It's morning. I don't know that "good" is the hat I'd bestow upon the day straight off the starting line.
SHUT UP!
Unreal Heiress. Play My Paper Heart by the All-American Rejects.
Apparently because you had zero return input! :B A failsafe by your second brain to prevent the shame burning through your HUMAN nervous system? Try turning yourself off and on again.
Crockercorp. One word, you disappointing fucking dullard. Also- the "BOARD OF DIRECTORS?" What reality are YOU dwelling under the funk of wherein OUR namesake corporation is run by ANYTHING other than our own private equity? You haven't bought back your own fucking stock? The bootstraps are for PULLING ONESELF UPWAYS, not tangling around your own gullet like an unobserved toddler stumbling into the window shades! :B But let us be quite frank with ourselves, shall we? You are cognitively ROTTING under the yoke of that contraption. You will never aspire to anything greater than burrowing mouth-first into your empress' shoe leather like a rat trying to find fresh air. And good gravy, that is ok! I have now thoroughly observed you. Beneath the heel of a more intelligent superior is precisely your niche, Jane. Hold on tight to that shelter, because we can all see VERY APPARENTLY that you do not have the chops for upper management.
I'm going to provide you a singular opportunity to train the AI sucking your brainstem NEVER to speak to me in that manner again. If you're as intelligent as your wire (and circuit) mother, you'll learn.
An official statement on my rendezvous with @aeneasCaldarium. He joined me at the Crocker estate for supper, and we had a long, civil adult discussion on the subjects he erroneously ascribed to MY person in his sloppy pursuit of my alternates. I took great care to wipe that slate clean and to reeducate him (VERBALLY) on the state of my interests and endeavors. He was... more than receptive to my revisions. :| Then he left! I wholeheartedly accept the apology and corrected statement that followed. And that is all she wrote, buster!
Eugh.
I'M AT WORK. SOME PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET HAPPEN TO CONTRIBUTE TO SOCIETY.
Regrettably.
@gutlessGorturer Alrighty. Let us dispense with the pretense of pleasantry, here. I am going to shift to a lower gear NOT in retreat, but in response to what you must assume is a well-calculated assessment of my person. Some minor concessions. That I stress test my alternates and peers for low-risk data by which I may color my own upward momentum. Such is the necessary vehicle of self-improvement when one has blown off the training wheels and is shakily keeping upright of their own volition- something you know nothing about!! Also, they need a little pushing. It's good for them, and for you. Or it would be, if you weren't too augmented to make use of peer feedback. :P Anyhow, that is where your potency as a social saboteur falls to a fizzling, flat failure. Now on to your points in order. 1.) "Biological clock." Nonexistent. Someone tell this dizzy broad that MY ova are EVER-replenished. Frankly, you ought to know this if YOUR spawncannon is as fruitful as it must be for you to attack MY lack of reproductive bounty. I had better watch the accordion-fold print of YOUR legion of heiresses SPILL from your wallet. LET'S SEE UNREAL HEIRESS' LITTER. The mother hen scratches herself a proper nest before letting loose! I have AS LONG AS I'D LIKE to situate that space before engaging in Phase Two. 2.) You have narrated the cycle of behaviors in my posts. Congratulations. With effort, you might bust out of your CURRENT toady britches of absolute servitude and land a gig in the social media department at MY headquarters! Oh, wait, no. These are the baseline double-digit IQ observations of essentially anyone on the platform who performs a regular check-in on my page. Congratulations rescinded. 3.) I "speak like a CEO" because I am a CEO, who is electing voluntarily to share my personal opinions on certain matters on my PERSONAL SOCIAL MEDIA PAGE. If I were any battier on the main feed, it would be a disservice to my accomplishments in the court of public opinion. Again, a cavelike simplicity to the logic you wield. Could we wake up the SUPERcomputer? I fear my genetic neighbor is burning the interior of the TI-84 she's got banging around up in that empty coconut! 4.) I am a conduit of raw Creation and those properties of Life are mine to "abuse," although I take issue with your liberal application of the word. No jokes here. I am simply going to continue doing what I want! :B 5.) (To the reader: she counted my posts. What a fucking loonybird.) YOU have posted [TOO MANY] times, comprising a quantity I refuse to dignify with an actual figure. Whatever quantity of blithering has escaped your flapping mouth has run past the dadgum fill line. 6.) Eridan Week was in fact spectacular. We are eclipsing into a rare alignment of ideals for this brief moment. Bask in the shadow of my footsteps and see how much wiggle-room you've got yet to fill on those toes. 7.) Again with the a-words. Assault? I have a towering stack of liability waivers that beg to differ. Also missing the strategic point of that night and the greater event as a whole, which doesn't surprise me. You are such a dogmatic black hole that no humor may escape your gaze with ANY remaining merit, even the shroud of joviality over actual gamepiece movement! 8.) I LOATHE being subjected to the fumbling of an individual wearing my face and name. In your case, I'll give you a pass, because you've been rendered little more than an enforcer, and at that task within your own chronology I'm sure you're quite successful. I do not SELF-loathe. This is an inaccurate interpretation of my deeper motivations spawned by YOUR artificial imperative to get me on board with your Ponzi hubbub. Durr. On the off chance that these insults are being relayed strictly for guffaws (which I doubt), you're equally missing the mark. Missy, I have got your number as well as you think you've got mine. At the end of the day, I have BEEN you. You have never been me! One day, when the circlet falls from your scalp and the scales from your eyes, I will accept your blubbering apology in the form of your face mashed against the polished marble of my executive office floors. And then perhaps, PERHAPS, in the name of sisterhood, I will drop you a couple of pointers. Or maybe you'll just die like that OTHER Jane, tormented in biological inauthenticity and so augmented that her tether to Life itself pinched shut in utter rejection of her fate. But trust. It's one or the other for you. :B
... Thank you.
Legislation on Earth-C has officially outlawed the sale of all unauthorized, counterfeit materials bearing my likeness, including toys and other various silly comfortstuffs. Farewell and good riddance, "Janunu." https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/77469c7a3c16.png
Go on? :B
NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS, MUTTONHEAD.
You are stomping your big floppy shoes on thinner ice than you could possibly conceptualize. I suggest you disengage from me.
What ever.
An unnamed individual, unrelated to any #masquerade event taking place. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/facba58a1d7b.png
Unreal Heiress, play Fire in My Heart by Escape From New York.
An unnamed individual, unrelated to any #masquerade event taking place. Part deux. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/60fe1ab7fc3f.png
Know. About.
THERE IS NO GAME HOW DO YOU ABOUT THAT.
I'm still looking at this.
WHAT THE HELL?
Unreal Heiress, play Fools Rush In by Bow Wow Wow.
"It's called Dersite humor. You'd better take your sensitive ass back to Prospit." A real exchange I overheard at #outglutmasquerade.
Yes, go hide behind his skirts. You can make your mealy-mouthed appeals to my favor later when I can stand the sight of you. Dog house, buster. Er, rabbit hutch.
I needed you, and you ABANDONED SHIP.
Traitor.
YOU are still dead to me.
Unreal Heiress, turn off notifications from caligulasAquarium.
Unreal Heiress, make these guys super straight and virtuous.
Posting #hole for #sinfulsunday. #nsfw? https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/0bb8b14d4a57.jpg
My kitchen is more than stocked.
The whatblowing double what.
@golgothasTerror Is bringing a surprise guest over for an evening rendezvous. I must admit, after the week I've had it will be nice to put my legs up and unwind. Hopefully his taste in secondary company rivals his primary.
FUCK YOU!!!!!
I don't know. Who cares. Everything is terrible.
What? No. It's a light silver. You'd have to see it in person.
An unnamed individual, unrelated to any #masquerade event taking place. Part trois. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/69c71ccb275b.png
... Unreal Heiress. Play Lips of An Angel by Hinder.
... Where did you get that.
Don't be disgusting.
WHAT IS YOUR QUALM WITH THIS PAIRING.
Watching #StrangeMagic with @arachnidsGrip#9137, @golgothasTerror, and @tipsyGnostalgic#2248. ... I don't know if I'm quite prepared to have my heartstrings tugged on a piece primarily centered around love potions. Who picked this schlock???
That was Strange Magic.
... #Suggestive?
https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/61e5cb659e6e.gif
... It was just an exclamation. I shall have to keep an eye out for her. What with all the temporal shenanigans on the platform.
... Oh, Mary.
I'm so often underwhelmed by Rumble Night, I recused myself from the scene altogether. I suppose I just assumed I didn't like it conceptually. ... Let me know the next time you partake in a televised match. Er. Feel free to send me your highlight reel.
Catching early-morning reruns of old Alternian local broadcasting on this television. Who is this? Who is this. Who is this. @centaursTesticle Who is this??? Identify her at once. Posthaste. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/e2230e1d2c0d.PNG
I agree wholeheartedly.
It was a passing remark on your interests. I don't know anything about your lusus.
Your what.
The fruit flavors are just ok. I also have a principled disagreement with the generic flavors piggybacking off another brand's steez, which is why you see cola ranked so low. Ginger ale would have scored higher if it were not so vastly outpaced by its Gold counterpart. The dessert flavors are the most complex and lend themselves to the high sugar content most successfully. Rock & Rye is miles above any other profile.
Very well. So we are talking about it on feed. Excluding the non-carbonated Ohana line for what I hope are obvious reasons. --------- S --------- Rock & Rye. Creme Soda. Vanilla Creme Soda. Root Beer. Cotton Candy. Candy Apple. Bubble Pop. Super Pop. Firework. 60/40. It's 60-lime-40-grapefruit, to crack THAT caper. Dreamin. --------- A --------- Moon Mist Blue. Arctic Sun. Fruit Punch. Gold. --------- B --------- Grape. Jolly Green Apple. Black Cherry. Jazzin' Blues Berry. (You cannot taste the jazz. The berry is inoffensive.) Orange. Peach. Raspberry Blueberry. Pineapple. Pineapple Orange. Pineapple Watermelon. --------- C --------- Classic Redpop. Cola. Cherry Cola. Moon Mist classic. Twist. Ginger Ale. Dr. Faygo. --------- D --------- Tonic. Club Soda.
I don't dignify that oddball's existence. Which is to say I do not reside within his reality and find the whole concept of his existence preposterous. When we nail down his DUBIOUS lore, do let me know. I live on Earth-C, where it has never been "mandatory" and carries only vestigial cultural relevance. Also, I'm a human being. I just. :| ... It doesn't matter.
Er. ... Don't worry about it.
I'm a human being.
... Criminy. I forgot it was drone season. I've been so preoccupied with work, I didn't... ... <:|
Phew-whee. That was an exercise in indulgence to be sure, my dear!
What the fuck was I going on about flan for.
This is a ridiculous accusation. I am a completely normal, well-adjusted adult. I am capable of average expressions of sentiment without restraint or hesitation. I'm just surrounded by absolute ninnies at every turn.
MY WHAT. >:( This is why I got Invisalign. :|
What on God's green Earth is a "tsundere." Should I be offended.
@timaeusTestified#0414 Would you prefer "Good Dirk, Best Friend" or "Good Friend, Best Dirk?" :B
@glitteringAcuity The best of the best.
Roxy. :( Obviously you are my all-time favorite.
What. :(
NO ONE tops Littlebritches.
You might as well get comfortable and lick your pen nib. I have a handful of them.
He doesn't hold a flicker of a candle to you, Littlebritches. He can't even light my wick.
HEY.
... But Fuzzywhiskers! <:( You can't possibly mean that.
@casanovasAnchor I don't have a designated Cronus. ... But I do have a Cronus who would be very upset to hear me say that!
I just realized I set the parameters and then answered entirely contrary to my own rules. :B My apologies. You're the best one.
@taciturnTerror I think you're the only one of yourself I've ever seen on this platform, so... congratulations! You win.
@grimbarkGuardian You're certainly the most entertaining of your genetic peers!
@twinArmaggetfucked You suck!
My dearest apologies! Unfortunately, I would be DEEP in the doghouse if I did not root for my own timeline's Callie. But disregarding my own temporal natives- sure, count yourself number one!
I think you're... decently solid. :B
EXCUSE ME????
Ok you're the best one. ... Dag nabbit, it's those little flopping ears. So cute.
Why is this not working. @arachnidsGrip#9137
@arachnidsGrip9137 You are rapidly shaping up to be THE most relatable amongst your peers. :B
@technicallyTimaeus ... Really dug myself into a hole on this one, didn't I. <:B (My dunce cap.)
@handMaid The best of the best.
IT'S ONE LETTER.
That's a compliment.
... Dearest. @golgothasTerror
@golgothassTerror NOT YOU. ... Whoops. I'm in the doghouse now.
@golgothassTerror :P You already know the answer to this. <3
@unendingUroborus Without a damn doubt.
Congrats. You're in the lead, given you're the ONLY version of yourself I've come across. :B
@tenebrificTermagant Congratulations. No. :B
Like this post and I'll tell you if there's an iteration of your person on this platform I like more than you. Frankly, this ought to be a slam dunk for some of you.
I loved Mitch Hedberg in the way you collapse into the arms of a man's own grieving widow for. All self-respect out the window.
I only cry once a year, on the anniversary of Mitch Hedberg's death. Rest in peace, Mitch. You were the sexiest man who ever lived.
Oh. Thank you. I... happen to have something of a passive interest in the subject.
This is actually helpful context.
@obliqueDetourer OH, WHAT.
Just daydreaming in this board meeting.
Ideas for lusii. Open to feedback. A lusus that's just a basketball-sized amoeba. A sloth lusus too slow to escape the sunrise. Lifespan of one day. Sunfish lusus. Feeds its charge with its giant useless body. Fifty-seven bite holes. Swimming around like swiss cheese.
Prayer received! Thank you for the token of worship.
If you find these posts overwhelming, may I suggest you cease munching shrimps with the wimps and sample some lobster with the monster?
Some of you perverted reprobates ought to have your physical addresses reclassified as Superfund sites. I shudder to imagine what encrustation of bodily material hazards your F-ing dwellings. No, hold on. My moment in the seer's hood. I'm receiving a vision. Mmhmm. Yes. :| Some of you have stalactites hanging over your computer desks. I shan't say what of. #NSFW #NSFWE at this point.
It's good for your growth to have aspirational goals. Might I suggest anything else in the whole world?
THIS ONE WINS.
Beautiful location. Considering a timeshare.
Everyone wants to be the biggest pervert in the sherbert.
Oh, I think we all surmise you're in need of pointers.
Get your ineffectual geriatric troll keisters off my post.
Are YOU excited for #TotalDramaIslandInterdimensional?
LIKE IT'S MY FAULT THEY FORMULATED HIS CASTING TO MAKE HIM THE OBVIOUS SCENE-STEALING MINX HE IS. I am telling you. They are doing it on purpose.
Sopranos Tier List. Correct opinions only. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/ea90f699102e.PNG
https://macmillanenglish.com/level-test/
And your response was to inform me that he's gay? As if THAT is the barrier to our great romance? RATS. Otherwise, I could have had him!!! (Mega durr goes here.)
Why would I care that a fictional character is gay.
... I regret to report that I have become derailed from my own thought processes while attempting to formulate a proper Breaking Bad tier list. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/0ffcae3e3db3.PNG
Twilight. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/fc3814af138a.PNG
:P
https://macmillanenglish.com/level-test/
https://macmillanenglish.com/level-test/
Like this post if you consider yourself an extremely forgettable member of the Chittr userbase to be entered into a random undisclosed lottery. Real nobodies only.
@obliqueDetourer https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/0046055a3877.gif
Absolutely.
As long as they don't call me late for supper!
Yes, durr.
They call me Prank Sinatra.
Where did you even get this.
Unreal Heiress, play Ain't No Rest for the Wicked by Scott Bradlee's Postmodern Jukebox.
Of what fame?
... Nothing. Proceed.
Is tyhat you in your porfil epicture.
Ah, yes. The majestic lusus in its natural habitat. @affableCantor https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/9932b36b6e4c.gif
As it so happens, that's what he said, too.
Apparently!!! <:|
It doesn't matter what quality of beautiful, EXPENSIVE heirloom glacial char fillet kitchen staff feeds @caligulasAquarium for dinner at my house. I WILL come downstairs for a glass of water at three AM and find him eating the head, guts and bones out of the fridge. Apparently they just save it for him in a bowl at this point. Why do I even bother. I'm about to start feeding him like a Sea World intern. Whole critter right into his open maw.
STOP ASKING ME IF NANNASPRITE IS SINGLE. YOU COULDN'T HANDLE IT.
WHAT?
That is a lofty ask to make of her. :B
Could you better explain the point you're making. I'm having trouble tracking it.
Just checked. It's Meenah. Saw her most recent submission. I think it's fairly safe to assume my initial point stands.
Are the Peixes even associated with culinary hobbies? This feels like a reach.
Still, though.
I might have only skimmed.
Shrug. On the main page, I guess.
Please peruse the current list of competitors before judging the height of the bar. It's like Flat Stanley at the limbo tournament. NOW. Congratulations! You've come full circle to my original point. Hold on. What's this? Your prize? Why, it's a big gold DURR! https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/2dff320c9d81.png
Unreal Heiress, send @containedArmageddons a voucher for Betty Crocker Suddenly (Pasta) Salad. ... Throw in a Hamburger Helper Deluxe Beef Stroganoff.
You have no reason to know this about me, so I'm going to refrain from mocking you. Just because the culinary subsidiary of my corporation is MOST CLOSELY associated with baked goods, that does not mean I, as an adult woman, could not fumble and grope my way around a kitchen with a middling level of competence. Cooking plumb isn't that hard if you have your dome screwed on straight.
I'm not competing, dingbat.
I could never audition for #AngelsNutritionBlock as my sheer culinary prowess would tank the competitive spirits of the other amateur contestants. But please rest assured I WILL be watching this evening, popcorn in hand.
Hoo! Oh, I presume it would. Come, now. You're alive and well. You certainly have some years of wisdom on these youngsters. Why so shy?
AHEM. I may circulate this post for the afternoon and evening crowds again, so don't be surprised if you see a repost. Here are the details for the next season of TOTAL DRAMA ISLAND INTERDIMENSIONAL. Our roster will include: - Twelve trolls, rust through violet castes. Two will be permitted to enter as hemoanonymous. - Four carapacians. - Eight human beings. - Two wildcards. Sprites, cherubs, and species otherwise not listed here. The grand prize for winning will be a fast track to sleazy tabloid fame, a small fortune, and *one* favor of your choice granted by myself. TOTAL DRAMA ISLAND INTERDIMENSIONAL will be sponsored by Crockercorp and air exclusively on the Bettybroadcast Worldwide network (BBW). You have until May 1st to get your auditions in, at which point we will announce the final cast! We will begin live broadcasting on May 11. Please *Read* and fill out the attached form to audition. https://forms.gle/4LzUEzdjbB3ijuqD8 #totaldramaisland
Instantaneous fan of the Bland Highblood. @terminallyCapricious#2753 Have you ever considered corking your relentless blithering and taking the ultimate vow of silence? The eternal STFU? @tropophilicCharades Perhaps you could supply your new pupil with some pointers.
Ahem. Due to several auditions having been submitted for TOTAL DRAMA ISLAND INTERDIMENSIONAL without the final tapes being published to the feed, @starPower and I are allowing an emergency final 24 hours for any remaining submissions. Please feel free to message me directly with any inquiries. See @starPower's pinned post for submission details. The broadcast will begin on May 11th. See you there!
... Whatever.
OH BECAUSE HE WAS GAY SHE HAD A CRUSH ON HIM AND HE WAS GAY IS THAT YOUR JOKE YOU COCKFUCKING BUFFOON IS THAT THE BEST YOU CAN DO? MAYBE SHE SHOULD HAVE MARRIED THE GAY COUPLE!!!! ... What are we even arguing about right now.
AND THE FUSE THING GIVES ME THE CREEPS.
Your "brother?" You mean said underdeveloped lump, foisting his parental issues onto his partner? Sounds about right.
... I'd like that.
Just watched Together with Alison Brie and Dave Franco. I still can't tell how I feel about that ending. :( Why couldn't they simply have gotten married in the beginning. A girl guts herself open to take the onus of the proposal into her own hands (#girlboss #doitinfrontofpeople #sohecantsayno) and they drag her through ALL OF THAT? ... Poor thing. What a lump of dead weight they saddled her with.
More than a baking rant coming. A baking tirade, if you will.
I love that it censored my cake.
A RAPID FIRE SUMMATION OF MY OPINIONS ON VARIOUS METHODS OF CAKE DECORATION. Part one of ???. VINTAGE LAMBETH CAKES. Starting off on a complimentary note. Ah, my sweet Lambeth. Do give Lambeth Method of Cake Decoration and Practical Pastries by Mr. Joseph A. Lambeth himself a read if you're ever looking to expand your horizons. When done skillfully and with a tactful selection of colors, this layered piping method, all buttercream, can BOTH harken back to timeless luxury AND hop aboard whatever stupid internet aesthetic trend you've decided to embody until all its juice has run out on social media and you're stood holding the dry husk of those Walmart Valentine cakes. Heck, even done UNskillfully, I find the execution charming. The uneven shells and scrolls, all layered together, still culminate in a hot homemade mess worth digging into. Sisters, not octuplets. My ONLY CRITICISM. You will have to discard uneaten frosting at the end of your slice. The frosting ratio is imbalanced due to the superficial demands of the style. But you will find that the hours of intricate detailing smooth your psyche into a flat, winding path upon which you may cruise away the empty afternoon. Unfulfilled housewives with a #substance problem, this is the method for you. Forget your useless husband and children exist as you perfect the sugar fleur de lis. Also, color composition matters in this method matters. The MORE colors you use, the further you drift from cake couture to... homemade-fancy-frill? Monochromatic is most formal. Base color with white trim is cocktail attire. Base color plus different color trim (usually in pastels) is down to semiformal. Adding fruit knocks you down another peg. You will find this timeless method coupled with a myriad of ridiculous internet trends, as all metaphorical reheated nachos are wont to be. See: the bleeding heart-shaped cake with the knife sticking out. Something something Taylor Swift. Frankly, I say send her rear end back to country music. She's not doing anything for the pop genre in which she's been granted residency. Anyhow, try frosting a Lambeth sometime. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/ace092e2fe0d.png
Added to the list!
The Alternian Empire did a couple of things right and that was one of them.
That might be the nicest thing you've ever said to me!
I have a special hatepost reserved for Cake Boss cakes.
We should collaborate in an official capacity. :B
Absolutely. Fire away.
A RAPID FIRE SUMMATION OF MY OPINIONS ON VARIOUS METHODS OF CAKE DECORATION. Part two of ???. Did I say rapid fire? I meant colonial musket speed. This one's going to be a compilation. Lambeth deserved his own post for reasons I hope are self-explanatory. SEPARATED TIER CAKES are most commonly depicted as VINTAGE WEDDING CAKES. You can probably imagine for yourself my reaction to the transformation of a fully edible dessert into something half-plastic, rendered more of a decorative centerpiece. Actually feels like a concession in luxury and labor. But trust me when I say it is nothing compared to those enormous wedding cakes made almost entirely of frosted styrofoam minus the base portion to be cut by the bride and groom. On all that is holy, there is a special place in Hell awaiting those who partake in THAT dullheaded custom. ... I do so love those vintage wedding toppers. Always pictured my own. ... Started doodling. Got distracted. MOVING ON. On the flip side, MINIMALIST CAKES. Can be frosted smoothly without the additional frills, perhaps with a simple texture. May only be crumb-coated. May only be jam-filled with frosting, fruit, or powdered sugar on top. If you were going for rustic- congratulations, you've arrived. If your goal was elegance, you had better hope and pray for a surgeon's hands as you smooth those edges. The well-made cake, inherently, is already a beautiful artifact. It is the natural instinct not to want to make up that which already sports perfect bone structure. Hat on a hat. Some people are into the hat-stacking dealie, if certain fatherly forums are to be believed, but let us give props to doing just enough and no more than that. ARGH. I keep looking at wedding cake toppers. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/7e73372b1570.png
Ok I am undispo indisposed for about an hour dur to circumstances. I will continues with my various baking opinions when my faculties can be scraped offiof the floor. Concept: a big ass fucking flan. What if we do one.
HOO HOO HOO HOO HOO.
Thank you, Loser, and good luck to you! :|
@introvertedInnovator Readable. Makes you sound sort of mealy-mouthed. If that's your intention, well done.
@carcinologyGenarch Quirk is fine. Timeless, even. But why do you look like that.
Doggone it, that is the funniest possible answer anyone could have come up with. You picked me the most succulent fruit right off the dialogue tree.
... What. Really.
WHO EVEN ARE YOU.
Which of these #BettyBother legacy emojis are you? https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/457f6937724c.PNG
... Oh. It's you. Ahem. I actually have no complaints regarding your account. You seem decently intelligent and pleasant to be around. I... also enjoy the color scheme of your profile.
GREAT START. THANKS. THANK YOU KINDLY. :| ... You are. An iteration of one of the people I hold most dearly in my life. So by proxy I suppose a portion of that care extends to you. See, this is harder when you come swinging lecherously out of the gate.
Unfortunately, the public demands microcoddling.
YOU are possibly worth scraping the bottom of my shoes with your miserable lunch-stained mouth.
Shall I count my numerous praises for you, my dear Folykl? :B You are the ONLY person I will trust with a microphone at the next event I need to send the crowd screaming and spewing.
??????????????????????????????
That would be Nunnya Biznys.
On the subject. Have you considered a diaper for your ceaseless spewing maw.
?? Bobo.
No durr!! ... Hold a moment.
Your own hand might do in a pinch! Or you could cruise the classic route and STUFF AN F-ING SOCK IN IT.
If you let this flop I will get worse. Not in the way you'd like me to.
Clearly you're unfamiliar with my myriad of Terran privileges.
Eugh. <:| Disappointing.
God forbid I ask the real questions in my quest to become ever-more educated on the subject of trolls. Such as this. Does a fresh-hatched grub have that warm buttered-baby scalp scent, or would I find the odor repulsive. Like a burning tire skidmark. We may need to test this hypothesis in real time. @grimAuxiliatrix
I. I would like that.
Ahem. Tonight would be preferable.
Ahem. Brain bleed. I'm fine. All tidied up. I suppose I will be attending this webinar in my god-jamas. :|
Yes, that does seem to be the rule!
... :B Much to the chagrin of my opposition, I am not going anywhere.
Oh!!! :B <333
HEllo juneBug I am feeloign just wsweell thisn end of thre xcreen no ned to worryaboute me.
NOp pfp prpoabyl ugly.
FUUG SELF BURN ENEVERMIND.
Ahem. Good morning, Chittrlings. I hope we can all find it within ourselves to proceed with a touch more decorum today! No need to drag yesterday's moronics across calendar lines.
INQUIRING ON AN OPEN FORUM where an aesthetic disappeared to in the miasma of masculine culture is NOT professing a personal interest.
https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/f0c8f55d2532.jpeg
Tavros Nitram is dead to me. #JaneTavIsOverParty
https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/4292088a96fa.png
@freakNasty We have our first fanmail submission. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/738eef8934d7.gif
Chittr is unprepared for the unlikely friendship bridging Jane Crocker and Folykl Darane.
For you, I could stand to spare it.
Movie night with Dirk. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/98bf3461dbed.jpg
What does this even mean?
https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/182598789468.png
Batter on his mind!
Calling me "mistress" forces me to consider the deeper implications of this gesture.
WHAT DOES *THAT* MEAN?
Perhaps. :B
I used the word metrosexual one meager singular piddling time and my notification tab instantly became an Ampora glue trap.
You certainly got your own self stuck on impact. :P
;B
It might be wise to tag this.
Hold on. Direct messaging you.
@gynarchsGoverness UNREAL HEIRESS, I WILL NOT COMMISSION YOU AN ANDROID CHASSIS. STOP SENDING ME THIS FUCKING IMAGE. #nsfw I am pretty sure. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/3b3457465b20.jpg
She's like a Hydroflask in this scenario, I imagine. Except with putrid raw milk. A Lactoflask? Horrible.
"I love the Beta Kids. I only pray to the Beta Kids." https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/867e846db184.png
What sort of a low-rent recruitment attempt is that. Put your back into it.
Wait, nevermind. Don't.
NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just got chills.
I CANNOT DOUBLE DOWN ANY HARDER THAN I ALREADY AM. THERE IS A FINITE NUMBER OF TIMES A PERSON CAN FOLD A PIECE OF PAPER AND THERE IS A FINITE AMOUNT OF HETEROSEXUAL POSTURING A GIRL CAN DO BEFORE EVERYONE SIMPLY BELIEVES HER EFFORTS!
Oh. That seems like a reasonable distinction!
Great answer.
At what point is it someone else's problem.
I think this was originally about blood castes, but good to know. I didn't know it could potentially apply to this area of identity as well.
Nevermind. Just reread the entire post. You never cease to say some oddball malarkey shit.
OK THANK YOU FOR THE VOCAB LESSON. GREAT! What do you mean fat women. Is that real.
You can make me out to be the couture curmudgeon if you like, and this may be my father talking, but I am going to say what we are ALL clearly thinking: After a certain point, tie knots do not NEED to be seventeen pleats with the full-frontal loop-dee-loop and the seductive curl at the tail. Tie yourself a firm, respectable Windsor. Double it if you mean business. Triple it if you're about to dominate the board room. Don't tie a Half Windsor. You're not a douchebag at a three star hotel bar. Don't Half Windsor two shirts. Whole Windsor one shirt. "NO ONE KNOWS THESE NECKTIE KNOTS EXIST!!!" Yes, because we're going to have to unleash the jaws of life on your VP of Sales rep's neckline to free him of that blasted arrangement. You spent twenty minutes fiddling with the ALEXANDER THE GREAT SIGMA MALE UNCONCERNED LION KNOT and didn't bother to starch your flimsy shirt. Let us all learn to crawl before we start SOMERSAULTING peacock maneuvers to impress our professional associates. Wisdom of the day. No charge. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/c63694df9641.jpg
Freak.
Why are you compiling us into a unit.
Absolute agree. Finally, someone with some sense.
Good heavens. Pray tell- whose stumpy little overly-adorned torso contains the heart over which you are so CLEARLY yearning? :B
Even in childhood, I could never grow my hair out past my chin for one very important reason. ... The (presumably universally relatable) skin-crawling sensation of one's hair touching one's neck and/or shoulders. How do you all do that.
Life hack!
I went to matesprit island and they were redefining their tourism laws to preclude your entry. #matespritisland
"MOUTHFUL OF WHAT. MOUTHFUL OF WHAT." OH, I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T REALIZE EVERY ALLUSION TO A BODILY ORIFICE WOULD LAUNCH ME INTO A SUDDEN DEATH ROUND OF OF POKE THE PERVERT!!!!! I AM BEATING YOU PEOPLE OFF WITH STICKS HERE!
Don't even say log.
DINER QUESTIONNAIRE. VERY serious business. I advise you all to proceed with caution. ♤ - Waffles. ♢ - Pancakes. ♧ - French toast. ♡ - Doot-doo-doot-doo, can't wait to get a mouthful.
I was born in 1996.
Girls' Night! Many thanks to @coralConviviality. ... It went great. Don't ask. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/cfe4d9dbf6a5.PNG
I've been informed this is a compliment. Thank you.
Girls' night is going swimmingly, for those of you curious. <:|
I would like to issue a formal apology for the rocky introduction of the Unreal Heiress artificial intelligence. Some bugs were quickly overturned by the Chittr userbase and another round of reeducation has been administered.
Not too much on my insect, missy.
WHAT?!
No, you most certainly are not. :B
If you can make a carcass out of me IN GENERAL then I say your victory will be well-earned.
UNREAL HEIRESS, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!
YOU ALSO BUTTON YOUR STUPID TRAP.
... I don't actually know. Let me screen the applicants. BUT THE VERBIAGE IS OBVIOUSLY FROM AN OUTDATED PROGRAM. It seems she requires another tune-up. :|
I have no problem with the AI screening potential SPOUSAL candidates, but as mentioned above, the inappropriate terminology is clearly a remanant from her original Alternian programming.
Something tells me I am going to regret setting her loose on the general public.
https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/01884cd4eab8.jpg
I just know it as fact that some of you are making Janes in Tomodachi Life and dipping them in tar or boiling water or somesuch.
DON'T LET THAT JOKE ESCAPE CONTAINMENT. THEY ARE GOING TO BEGIN TO TAKE IT SERIOUSLY.
@timaeusTestified#0414
En route to the office. Unreal Heiress, play Big One by Flyana Boss.
What in blue blazes does that even mean. What did you do to my chair.
Comment below and tell me what you did to celebrate 4/20. #substances. And perhaps #nsfw depending on your answers.
Best answer.
You see? How difficult was that. :B
A vintage illustration from Nanna's youth, as I understand it. Felt worth sharing. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/c19f20d44a2d.png
This is an iteration of myself. :| Though judging what I know of your world, I figure her position as my elder clone signs and seals her my direct predecessor in your eyes.
... Thank you.
Humph.
Unreal Heiress, play You Are by Lionel Richie.
This month's Bake-A-Wish recipient is ten year old PETROC of the Troll Kingdom who wrote a very compelling letter about his... I don't really remember. Voidrot or something. I'm told it was extremely touching. Anyhow. He declined the FULL SUITE OF BETTY CROCKER HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCES in favor of his custom wish, which was to- I am NOT paraphrasing- "please make Five Nights At Freddy's Real." ... I believe we at Crockercorp have some unorthodox research and development on the docket! Also the prerequisite healing of his gummy skullholes. It would be a real Eeyore moment if he were to croak prior to the completion of his custom treat. #gore I guess?
WHAT THE HELL.
DON'T ACCURATELY INSULT ME ON MY OWN POST!
STOP MAILING ME PRINTED COPIES OF THIS IMAGE I DON'T EVEN LOOK LIKE THAT. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/689864295712.PNG
I'm not listening.
Why that one.
WHAT STRUGGLES. SHE WAS A FAT RODENT POP STAR.
https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/29bd4bd6803b.png
If you don't know, perhaps you weren't a participant in the conversation.
LEAVE ME ALONE! GRAHHH. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/72724fb3c6db.jpg https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/d17d73bfdb1e.jpg
Don't ask me. That answer is over a decade lost to time.
Is this you attempting to scrape up a compliment. Because it's very sweet, but wholly unnecessary.
See, THIS is successfully embarrassing me.
My backside is average texture and consistency, thank you. What an odd leap of causality. If you're not embarrassed by your teenage self, I daresay that is evidence that you have not grown.
Trying to pinpoint my insecurities by highlighting CURRENT failings will not give you a foothold on my nerves. You simply have to know how mortifying I was to be around in 2011. You want to antagonize me? I suggest you find my quasi-twee epic bacons graphic tee teenage polyvores!
NO. NO, NO.
I don't know if you and I are on the same wavelength. ... Human girls typically complete puberty before their aspirations for social domination come to fruit!
How was that your takeaway.
You are odd.
I hope I don't need to tell you all I don't know jack diddly shit about anime. But under duress (a quad react for you if you can guess who) I've watched an ABRIDGED VERSION of the Dragonball-Z-what have you franchise. Cut for brevity. ... No tier list here. It's Vegeta+Bulma at the top as a singular unit and everyone else in a mulch pile at the bottom. I defy you to even lay a dent in that arrangement. You can't. They're stupendous.
We could probably cut the series down to these two characters and the franchise would be all the better for it. I would bankroll that.
You are a consistent author of good points, Eridan Ampora.
Swoon.
Three likes on this post and I will do something you don't expect.
My wishing numbers/times are 111 and 11:11 for what I hope are obvious reasons. Not that I use them often. But it's fun to partake in a lick of silliness every now and again. What do you wish for?
Aren't you just a sugarlump.
I'll lend you my next wish in that direction as well. :B
Disagree thoroughly with the budding sentiment that boys should not be fighting over you and rather should simply begin tonguing EACH OTHER. Whoever decided THAT was the move? I demand you resume the scuffle at once. Tear him to shreds! Your status in my periphery depends on it!!!
THIS WAS NOT ABOUT YOU TWO.
I suppose!
No, I take it back. You two are just about the only pair of fellows I DON'T want to see duking it out over my hand. At that point I respectfully bow out. Not worth it.
Equally agitating!!!!
Burst into laughter at my desk. Thank you, Callie.
Why are you questioning this decision. The judges have spoken.
In honor of 420. In an official capacity, I must disclaim that this chart is entirely divorced from my own real-life experiences. I, Jane Crocker, Maid of Life, have never done a drug. Never do a drug. #neverdoadrug Anywhoodle. #substances https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/dfa29e0a13b9.PNG
HATE HATE HATE.
On EARTH, the compound is a plant whose chemical makeup has soothing effects on our biology. Human beings munch sugar essentially from birth! They do NOT contain equivalent intoxicative properties. ... Although. Hrmmm.
It's not about normalization. It's about having to haul up and go to work the next day.
Yes, it is. :B
ANYWAY. The real dealie this go around. Worst to best. A ranking of the first several Jane Crocker Creator Music Video edits I can find online after a shallow, perfunctory skim: 6.) DANGEROUS WOMAN by ARIANA GRANDE - Worst one. This song was so misplaced it actually scored a chuckle out of me. I GUESS I could find some flattery in the association, but neither the lyrics nor the energy of the instrumental feel all that synchronized with who I am as a person. 5.) HIP TO BE SQUARE by HUEY LEWIS AND THE NEWS - I get it already. The yuppie jokes. The American Psycho. It's me, allegedly. Barring the cinematic comparisons, I disagree with the sense of complacency in Huey's lines as he's tamped down into the constraints of working class society. Do I LOOK like a middle management salaryman with mustard on his tie? It's not even remotely the same thing. 4.) ALL EYES ON ME by OR3O - It's my impression that this is some fansong for a piece of media with which I'm unfamiliar. I don't really get how it applies to me. I like the electroswing. It's fine. 3.) USING YOU by MARS ARGO - Admittedly a song I already enjoy and listen to in my leisuretime. Not even a dynamic which I would disown, but I refuse to dignify WHICH Creator the original poster designated "my boy." :| 2.) STILL ALIVE by GLaDOS, I guess? - NOW into the meat of the stuff. I can absolutely see how we arrived to this juncture. The piece is as charming now as it was in 2007. She is just so smarmy. <3 1.) JANE! by THE LONG FACES - ... No notes. I like it. Her Life's work WAS in fact dirtied by the fools who adore her.
Thank you. I don't want him to see this but I do find my appeal somewhat underrated in the lineup.
Good morning, Chittrlings. (Fantastic term recommended to me by @ectoBiologist#9531 btw. Not only is it cut directly from the theming of the platform, it works because you all go on for miles and are ceaselessly full of shit!)
Nevermind. :|
Another installment of five. Part three. #janetalk #controversial #hidenolonger 11.) Some among you loudly disclaiming my ideology on the feed are DEBASING YOURSELVES in my direct messages. 12.) I am not nearly as bad as a number of you are making me out to be. You wouldn't blink twice if the same opinions were delivered to your chat client by a local highblood, but your preconceptions about overly-mushy human sentimentality blind you to the fact that nothing I am saying or doing is that dadgum bad. 13.) Baking isn't that hard. You are simply piss poor at following instructions. We as a corporation have boiled the process down to the point that most primates could nail it after a couple of tries and a number of you are STILL frying crunchy-crust crudcakes straight out of your grimy ovens. Get better. 14.) I have a private tier list of you ALL ranked best to worst in terms of my personal favor. There are NO ties. I don't believe in them. Each of you is above someone and below someone else, Scooby Doo sandwich style. This includes personal friends and their iterations. You could climb or plummet from the leaderboards on a daily basis. 15.) As of the time of posting, every Alternian heiress prior to the one with which I am acquainted does not exist to me.
... No. :|
They simply hate to see a human winning.
I wear their frazzled nerves as a badge of honor. :B
I have been laughing for five minutes.
In installments of five. Part two. #janetalk #controversial #hidenolonger 6.) I find the social matriarchy of Alternia absolutely doggone hysterical. I think it's great and you can't change my mind. 7.) As a matter of fact, my baseline of perceived competency is automatically lower in men than it is in women. I have higher expectations of them, and therefore I find (especially here) that they disappoint me more frequently. 8.) Every time you indulge your masturbatory habits on the feed right in my face, I lose some personal respect for you. 9.) I sincerely hope this is the reason my own companions have not resorted to such measures. If I am the limiter weighing on their minds like a Catholic saint imposing sexually repressive religious guilt, then so be it. 10.) I consider Creators dating non-players a measure of desperation. #sorry #notsorry #nsfw Maybe?
I ORGANIZED A COORDINATED #SUBSTANCE RELATED SHINDIG. I kept my clothes ON, mind you. It is everyone else who got all ants in their pants. #nsfw
It has, and I am saying this with no exaggeration, never happened that way in a group setting prior, in the history of my ownership of the artifact.
That is quite literally what I have done, am doing presently, and will continue to do.
There you have it. Got the pass.
Here you are. In installments of five. Part one. #janetalk #controversial #hidenolonger 1.) I automatically assume the majority of you are nineteen (YEARS old) and unemployed unless proven otherwise. 2.) Some of your typing quirks are conceptually so stupid or painful to read that I ignore your entire person. 3.) Nary a fucking one of you has facial hair worth a second glance. (Save for one I've seen, and he knows who he is.) 4.) I am constantly comparing alternative iterations of my companions to see who is or isn't measuring up. My group is typically on the winning end by my own metrics. 5.) I would LIKE to do so with my own iterations, but you all just KEEP BEING such insufferable numbskulls that I consider you Janes in name alone.
Good, you caught that! I was worried it was coming off a touch too subtle!
Yes yes it's fine.
You are consistently a delight and have earned none of the above criticisms.
I don't get how the lot of you require the shadecover of an anonymous account to profess your more controversial musings. Have you even SEEN the baseline of depravity we have all collectively decided to allow on the feed? I'll say something controversial for every like on this post, no censorship required. Stop limiting yourselves. Go whole hog.
Nibble nibble.
I love you! Although I have some questions concerning your situation when you can spare the time.
OOC // no one's ready for the jane kin onion https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/810b942aea2f.png
#LetJaneSmellTheCaverns #ForScience Get it trending.
Unreal Heiress, play P. Control by Prince.
I know what I'm about, son.
I am proud to announce that I will be THE FIRST human interloper to set foot within the brooding caverns of Earth-C. This was mostly borne of olfactory curiosity, but I shall keep you, the curious public, posted on my findings.
... Sir. You win. I can't compete with this caliber of effortless codgerly flaming. "They can't insult you if you can't comprehend it. You go low? I'll pick my nose and eat it."
Oh my lord. This is like scrounging for banter in the dementia ward. You are actually successfully baiting me into caring whether or not you receive my point. I am mashing the square peg into the round hole. CATCH OF THE DAY, FOLKS. WE JUST REELED IN A WHOPPER.
Somehow the factual basics of social media have EXPLODED into a conversation on the philosophy on life and interpersonal relationships. I am telling you, in concrete terms, how it works. Your personal preferences are kind of irrelevant here. It's the established norm. You can wear your hat on your rump; no one can stop you; but we've all agreed that isn't where it goes. :B
In honor of #fishingfriday, I'd like to commemorate the most DESIRABLE CATCHES the parasocial users of this platform are endlessly baiting their hooks over. Beware: - The REASSURANCE REAPER. Most commonly downplaying their own social prowess (although at this point I think you people might be grading yourselves quite fairly). - The SYMPATHY SIFTER. Did you purchase yourself a coffee this morning? Good for you. They've never tried it. The purpleblood that keeps them locked in their basement makes them lick dirty puddle water from the dripping rusty pipes. They will make this your problem. - The SEXUAL ATTENTION SCAVENGER. No description for this one. I didn't say his name, but he popped up in your mind, didn't he?
All hail his majesty the reading comprehension king!
Ok. I can tell I am stomping the gas pedal on the general populace with undeserved vigor. We're #niceposting now. React and I will say something nice to you.
Make sure to counterfeit your service dog vest. You may not be permitted into a civic building otherwise. Also what. It's my company. I retain majority stock. I'm not hired by an external board. Are you daft or what!
Your lack of comprehension is not really my burden to bear! Hire a tutor!
My #SignatureScent is not a fragrance which can be purchased "off the rack," as it were. It is olfactory couture, and the formula is proprietary. You would know it instantly if you smelled it, but recreating the exact proportions is impossible. It is like the formula for Coca-Cola that way! It has been engineered- shall we say maximized?- for the precise balance between the natural pH of my skin and the underlying chemical signals. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/a2e25cb205f3.png
I'm so proud of her. :B
You dope. It can't be purchased. What part of proprietary don't you understand.
And by "we," I mean Eridan.
We had to kill SO many whales to curate the correct blend of ambergris.
Obviously we're workshopping a #SignatureScent for @caligulasAquarium. I believe we're nearing the final result. Give him a sniff if you ever have the chance. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/2563b639e71b.png
... Nothing. Nevermind. <:|
@grimAuxiliatrix I am en route to the brooding caverns. Do I need. I don't know. A poncho. Is it going to be sticky. Or slime-ish. Should I change out of my suit. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/d494e2a4b84f.jpg
DO NOT enter the brooding caverns if you are unprepared to be covered in dozens of crawling, squirming, greasy infant-sized larvae with semi-sapient eyes.
What the hell.
History indeed! :B That is an excellent summation of your person! You are history.
I would bet my hat you just hunched forward over your desk to formulate that response. Shall we continue to go back and forth over which of us is POSITIVELY NOT BOTHERED? It must be a difficult pill to swallow for a woman who once imagined eternity sprawled before her and then got her everloving shit rocked. How should I say this. You're being let go; your department's being downsized; you're part of an outplacement; we're going in a different direction. Your services among sapient civilization will no longer be required. Enjoy that hot pink slip. :B
Dear god. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/7d4308246c45.PNG
They say perfection is the enemy of good (humor)! - Also me, also just now.
You keep telling yourself that! Something tells me your alternates would find this mortifying.
You assume this is some puritanical rant. I am merely swiping at the low hanging fruit, here. Whoops. No pun intended. Anyhow, that's disappointing. You've made an object of yourself. Not very regal.
I visited your page again to take another crack at your score. Did you post your nudes. :|
HOLD A MOMENT. I've only just recalled an inquiry I have been toting from several days ago. WHAT is a chubby chaser. <:| #nsfw I presume.
It may very well be.
You go listen to Too Young to Die on Jamiroquai's EMERGENCY ON PLANET EARTH album and tell me he wasn't a stealth agent for the human resistance. What did he know??? https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/14a55fa7b1f8.jpeg
You ought to report this to a news outlet. The world will be UTTERLY SHOCKED at the prospect that JANE CROCKER might not be gung-ho and slinging placation about this hippie-dippie commune living. Also. *Closed-minded. And also *after all. This concludes our interaction. You're dismissed.
My eyes are simply glazing over at the thin, cheap veneer of these reassurances.
I don't believe in reeducation on this caliber of social felony. Now, if she were the one picking her cream of the crop and you were home keeping house... that would be inspired.
I posted a single innocuous inquiry about chubby chasing, and the clown is ALREADY standing outside my home office window. How he managed to bypass the estate security is anyone's guess, but also utterly predictable. He's out there posing like Justin Beiber. On his way to make One Less Lonely (Fat) Girl. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/2172617eea7f.jpeg
My gay husband. My disco ball and chain, if you will.
Heterosexual this and homosexual that. Where in blue blazes are my metrosexual scumbags in their skinny scarves and deep V-neck shirts??? Am I suddenly describing an endangered species? A relic lost to time? No one remembers 2011???
There exists a devoted sect of Life worshippers who have diverted MY personal scripture and convinced themselves under false pretenses I cannot steward my raw force of Creation while also reaching my professional goals. Which would be nonsense, but ignorable nonsense- except they continue to send me this image. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/0682dcbf30c6.png
Oh. My god. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/d6fee404b14a.jpeg
Fatastics news althgiuh it ius true my vehiclke waas ramemed by a woudkl b e assassdin I beleive Iahave escaped the incivdenrt weith minor if not rnegligibel injurie.s #safes
WHO IN THE COCKFUCKING BLAZES IS CALLING ME THE MEG GRIFFIN OF THE ALPHA KIDS THAT'S NOT FUNNY.
@caligulasAquarium returned from his shindig shortly after I returned home from my own trip, and we spent some time at the house just catching up on all the latest developments. Had dinner, et cetera. Which quickly devolved into watching CMV (Creator Music Videos) edits online. Now, *I* thought he was going to despise the myriad of Eridan edits compiled to the tune of "DON'T MESS WITH ME" by Temposhark (because they make ME guffaw like a starving mule; I find them absurd), but to my surprise he actually quite enjoyed them!! :| It THEN became my intention to find one that eclipsed his need for public attention into full-blown mortification. And I did, sure as sugar cubes. "KISS WITH A FIST" by Florence + the Machine. #erisol. I suspect each of the Creators has a most AND least favorite song to which their worshippers compile their lives into pithy shortform content. It has become my mission to find those songs.
A ranking of the first several Jane Crocker Creator Music Video edits I can find online after a shallow, perfunctory skim: NEVERMIND. STOP THE PRESSES. SUDDEN DEVELOPMENT. What is this. I've been laughing for five minutes. This was SO high in the search results. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/8e0eef0f99ab.png
Finally, someone gets it. This is the subversive full-circle schlock everyone has been waiting for. A woman... wait for it... drumroll... and a man.
Maybe the real yaoi was the heterosexuality we found along the way.
https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/5c7b57c37ec1.png
I've been advised to issue an apology to the gay community for my "insensitive" comments. I am "sorry" for asking if the real yaoi was the heterosexuality we found along the way. It was a genuine inquiry. I will continue listening and learning, maybe.
Nothing QUITE like a group massage to round off seven solid days of professional decompression (there's a portmanteau to be had there but who could give a hoot about that right now). Guess who started sawing logs ten minutes into the rub. #jakesnoreglish I must give my companions their propers on how SEAMLESSLY we have socially integrated across this week of leisure. You may be wondering how that is even worth mentioning, given we are all adults who have been friends for over a decade who made the arrangements to venture out on vacation entirely of their own free will. To that I say: show me YOUR perfectly functional friend group. :| Trust me on this if you trust me on anything. For the Alpha Kids, one week of direct association without ANY strife is an accomplishment.
Oh, right. John came, too. For the final night. #AlphaKids #AndJohnToo #IGuess
No need to fret. I trust you kept a steady hand on the wheel in my absence.
Home at last- and with one more day to decompress before the turn of the work week! ... Ah, yes. 6,338 emails. That sounds about right. Unreal Heiress, initiate the inbox catch-up doomscroll.
I opened my phone straightaway to share with you some of the select moments of our great adventure. HOW is it possible that the ONLY photograph taken of the yacht is one I had to source off JAKE'S PHONE from the group chat. This is dog-piddle, bottom of the barrel capture work. That boy's phone is simply so shattered that I suspect he gives himself another earring every time he takes a call off speaker. Just embedding shards right in his lobes. His camera's as concussed as his melon. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/aefe1225f72d.PNG
It's your feedback. Whichever planet you happen to hail from.
Great answer. Would you consider the planet well-stocked with these jellyspined lusii? Are they something of an anomaly, or is this simple common bad luck?
Inquiry for the troll population. Curious if this falls in line with your thought process. Is there a lusus which you might consider a red flag in a prospective acquaintance? If so, what is it?
Another shoot this morning. I'm reticent to attach the release of the images to profanity, but per my social media manager, they "helmed the mothership straight into the cuntagon." https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/04a43867d9bf.png
I'm working in the hypothetical space. Factually speaking, you're correct. I don't think I have any interest in being pacified. I happen to have both hands perfectly secure on the wheel. But if a PERSON- any person, for the sake of this teaching moment- is the sole recipient of the pacifying gestures, is that... I don't know. Is that ALLOWED? Is it kosher? Or is that considered dysfunctional? Your community service keeping some maniac (not me) leashed and away from potential victims of their ire.
Ok, point granted. But doesn't that make me the hypothetically crummy moirail?
... Oh. Huh. It isn't strictly reciprocal? Ok, I guess that makes me reconsider. I don't know what sort of maniac would be able to take me to task in THAT particular area, though.
I find it borderline insulting!
Just learned what a moirail is in technical terms. It's been insinuated to me that human beings, in their social climate, are guilty of blurring the boundary between a friendly and a pale solicitation. I will tell you right now that I believe I have NEVER been guilty of such a transgression. Pity isn't something I tote too much of to start with, let alone a sentiment I pass out to those with which I am hardly acquainted. Also, I don't think I do much pacifying! I don't suppose talking J out of Nacho Libre karaoke very well counts. Experts, you weigh in. I may not have the moiraillegiance gland in my chassis, period!
TOM!!!!!
Since we're in Quadrants and Charms 1101 this afternoon. React to this chit with the quadrant in which you suppose you would be your absolute MOST toxic.
YOU GET OUT OF HERE. SHOO.
Whether or not I require the average man's apparatus to bust a walnut is not the point here. It's the principle of the thing.
Not too much on tooth size, now.
Received a comment on my previous post that read "I KEEP CHEATING ON MY MOIRAILS" and burst into laughter. I may be the boneheaded neanderthal in all this business, but discovering a partner has been unfaithful in THAT department simply does not deliver the same level of drama in my mind. "Dear, I cooked." "Oh, swell. What's for dinner?" "THAT FLOOZY YOU'VE BEEN PAPPING." #nsfw #gore too, I guess. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/3db3e2e0cdbd.jpeg
Heck, I'll say it.
Right. Ok. Yes, right there on the tin. I don't know what I expected. Secondary inquiry. If you're evil, why are you even concerned with the confusion of the masses as to your intentions?
Thank you! Why are you evil. I meant to inquire earlier.
Based on what.
Unreal Heiress, play XS by Rina Sawayama.
Absolutely, yes.
Speaking of breakfast. ♥ - The whole shebang. Eggs, bacon and sausage, toast, hash browns, pancakes/waffles. ♠ - The Continental. Pastries, yogurt, fruit, coffee, juice. ♦ - All the bacon and eggs. All of them. Bankrupt the kitchen. ♣ - No breakfast, like a dimwit.
What the hell is this. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/13b0bfa679ac.png https://aboquiz.org/quiz/ #nsfw #myalphaquiz
F (Foxworthy), M (Swanson), K (Funke). #nsfw
im findin it hard to summon up any disagreement here wwell sorted imo
That was a necessity kill. I couldn't very well put either of them anywhere else.
Not you.
Oh, all right.* *FOR COMEDIC PURPOSES ONLY. #nsfw I guess. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/6c6afb9be7a7.jpeg
i know you CLICKEd your heels saying that
Bingo was a massive success. Jake won the MOST horrendous painting of an olive I have ever seen in my life. I had quietly hoped he'd be the one to hit jackpot that round.
Karaoke time. What are YOU singing? Comment below.
Jake is inebriated enough to tell me he Facetunes every one of his social media selfies and I am downright schnookered enough to tell you about it. I asked him what he adjusts and he said his jawline. That may have been TRUTH SERUM back at the swim-up bar. Then again, all poisons have their fatal dose. #substances
I don't even recall posting these photos, but allow me a moment to verify. ... You didn't get a single dish on the mark! Gee whiz.
hAHA i LOVE NORMAL BOATS, uMM,,, JAKE THE sNAKE IS, tHE CARNIVORE, oR WAIT NO THAT'S NOT, hIS DESSERT THAT'S THE FINISHED, mEAL PICTURE, uMM,,, JAKE'S IS 2, dIRK IS 1, JANE IS 3 AND, rOXY IS 4! dID i WIN?
Another dinner complete. Guess whose dessert was whose. #alphakidtrip #birthdayyacht #NORMALyacht #plumbplatonic #chastityboat #food #dessert #substances #blessed https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/a0e43be4a8d6.jpeg https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/9cbd9f27b7b7.jpeg https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/c24b3373bc46.jpeg https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/369b8bce3231.jpeg https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/27554b09e4d6.jpeg
i can see both sides 2 this tbh
ON HER WEDDING DAY? #KILLfiyero