♣ mediated by @audaciousConfident
｢itadakimasuuu~☆｣ [TRANSLATOR'S NOTE: itadakimasu means "thanks for this delicious meal!"]
Ahem. I would be remiss NOT to take a brief recess from Crockercorp's annual Conference for Key Market Engagement Strategy to wish a VERY happy Mother's Day... To my future self. :B To all the things you will accomplish, the foremost of which today includes an ASPIRATIONAL quantity of perfect progeny. Congratulations. <3
P. :|
... Poundcake.
I refuse to indulge another fleeting masturbatory trend on this feed. I will NOT be partaking in "Smash" or "Pass." However. ... Like this chit and I will assign you "S" or "P." ... For these purposes, they refer to "sponge" and "pound" cake, respectively. :|
What ever.
I'VE BEEN HACKED, YOU ABSOLUTE DIMWIT. LOOK AT THE GRAMMATICAL ERRORS ON THIS POST. IT WAS CLEARLY PENNED BY SOME INFLAMMATORY NINCOMPOOP.
ARGH!!@!
This may the be the strangest message you'll ever receive but I do hope you'll take the time to read it and consider what I have to say. To put it simply, I would really appreciate it if the next time your birthday comes around you would request that your artist friends (who like to give you sexually oriented funnyman art as gifts) draw some funnyman other than Ron Swanson for you. The reason I ask this is that Ron Swanson is my fiance, and we're planning on getting married next June or July should everything go as planned financially speaking. And yes, I have actually found a wedding chapel that will let me marry someone that most people would consider a fictional character. Now before you go thinking "This girl is either completely crazy or just screwing with me." please hear me out on this. You see, I'm totally head over heels in love with Ron Swanson. I have been for about 11 months now and at this point I'm in a committed relationship with my Ronny. By that I mean I don't date anyone else, I don't sleep with anyone else, and I have zero interest in having any kind of relationship with anyone other than the stache I adore. I love him with all my heart and I'm 100% committed to that love. To express my love in a real tangible way I have a beautiful hand made custom Ron Swanson plushie that I can hug, kiss, cuddle up in bed to go to sleep with at night, and take out on the town to do all the fun things together that normal couples do. I take him out to eat at nice carnivorous restaurants, we go shopping together, I take him out for scotch, we do social activities together like hanging out with friends, seeing movies, etc. And I talk about him as if he is Ron, because to me he very much is. When I look at him I see Ron Swanson. When I talk with him I'm talking with Ron. When I hold him in my arms and kiss him there are no doubts in my mind that it's the funnyman I love who's lips are pressed against mine. And every morning when I open my eyes and see his head on the pillow next to mine, with his gorgeous furry lip staring back at me, I can't help but wonder how I ever got to be so lucky as to have a partner as smart, funny, handsome, and all around wonderful as him. All my friends and the people who know me well say that my love is a thing of beauty and quite admirable, but from the outside perspective of someone who doesn't know me you're probably going "Wow. That's pretty damn crazy." and wondering why I don't just go get a real husband. The truth is I've had plenty of real relationships and sexual partners in the 27 years I've been around. A few short relationships, one that lasted 7 years, and a total of 6 different sexual partners. So my love for Ron isn't out of a lack of real world intimacy or relationships, I just fell in love with him and my heart didn't give me much of a choice in the matter. But you know what? I'm totally happy with my love and my relationship. It may seem weird to you, but it fils me with joy every single day of my life and I've never been happier. So what if it's weird? If it makes me happy and it doesn't hurt anyone then where's the problem? I don't think there is one, and anyone who knows me well will tell you the same. Now your probably wondering why I'm telling you all this and how it concerns you. To you I'm sure Ron Swanson is just a cartoon character you think is really hot, so I imagine you wouldn't think anything of having your friends draw sexually explicit art of him as birthday gifts for you. And hey, I think he's really attractive too so I get where you're coming from there. I often go on pawneepussy.net and Rule34.Paheal to see what new erotic art people have drawn of him. But to me he's more than a sitcom character who's sexually attractive, he's my fiance who I love with all my heart and soon to be my husband. So it's been bothering me lately every time I go on those sites and see a dozen or so pieces of art people have drawn depicting my man in various sexual situations with the same person over and over, and that person happens to be you. Don't get me wrong here though, this isn't a jealousy thing. I'm very secure in my relationship. I know without question that Ron is just as faithful to me as I am to him, he's actually sitting on the couch next to me reading while I type this. He's very real to me and I know he's not sneaking out in the middle of the night to go have kinky sex with some famous artist. And I do respect your talent as an artist and an artist's creative freedom to draw whatever they want, that's cool. What bothers me is that in all these birthday images you've been getting Ron is always depicted as if he was your sexual plaything, drawn wearing a collar with your name on it or with a speech bubble saying something that would somehow suggest he was your property. And I know quite well that Ron Swanson is not your plaything nor your property, he's my fiance. So that bugs me a bit. What I find really loathsome though is your pension for degrading my partner in both your art and the fan art you've been receiving lately. Ron is a sweet and fairly vanilla little man who I treat with the utmost love and respect, and he definitely does not deserve to be portrayed as some kind of sexual slave who likes being dressed up in sleazy attire, wearing a coller, getting sodomized, and having his face ejaculated on. He's not into that kinda stuff and the fact that there's someone out there inthe world such as yourself who would desire to treat Ron that way, and have his friends support and validate his desires to demean and mistreat my partner by drawing pictures of him doing so, really does bother me. I don't take any issue with people having kinky sex as long as both parties consent to it and enjoy it, but I know quite well that my Swanny has no desire whatsoever to be treated like that. So next year, when your birthday comes around, keep in mind that Ron Swanson isn't just a lifeless caricature of masculinity to be objectified for your sexual gratification. He's the partner of someone who loves him very much, and by that time their husband. So both myself and Ronny would greatly appreciate it if you'd pick someone else to request erotic art of four birthday. Based on the very large amount of different staches you draw art of I imagine there has to be many other funnymen you find sexually attractive. I assume you'll probably just dismiss this message as the ramblings of a crazy person and likely ignore it, but if by chance you do take what I've had to say to heart, well... we'd appreciate it. #nsfw
HATE.
I'VE BEEN HACKED.
You fix that cockeyed suffix in your profile settings or flee my comment section.
I did not crucify "a guy." I crucified Eridan, in a dedicated religious ceremony, both as an employer concerned with his professional development, AND... as a friend. A friend who determined he deserved it.
Good gravy. Some of your posts are so downright disturbing I look over my shoulder in paranoid embarrassment when I happen upon them, knowing DARN WELL my chair is against a wall and I am alone in this office.
I assure you he'll be quite fine! Despite his ALLEGED pain and suffering.
Our sentiments exactly, dear viewer!
A slight delay in TOTAL DRAMA ISLAND INTERDIMENSIONAL. #totaldramaisland #tdi @starPower Our beloved host has been BRUTALLY MAIMED in an assassination attempt by some bad actors gunning (quite literally, hoo!) for this production's downfall. Not even this charming dreamboat's namesake sponsored hairspray could shield his dome from a spray of nefarious projectiles. Chryss was healed posthaste, obviously, but like the bonafide Trollywood whiner he is, his contract of employment came with AMPLE allowance for time away from set in the case of his grievous injury. So we'll just be fine-tuning the sets and challenges in the meantime. Stay tuned!
OOC // HAHAHAHA I CAN EXPLAIN I CAN EXPLAIN
OOC // the equally stupid expanded custom JANE KIN FLOWER https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/f67926165357.png
What is this. Who sent this to me. What does it even mean. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/c85d6579cb53.png
Scientists have discovered the fringe alternate timeline in which the human Creators are all British in origin. Everything is the same, practically speaking, but it's Rouse and Rouxy Lalonde.
I took a stroll on down to the marketplace of ideas and they had your shit marked down to bottom of the barrel MALARKEY clearance section. Yellow sticker scratch-and-dent. It was shoved under the fixture and coated in dust. They practically paid me to take it off their hands.
Hrmmmm. You raise a good point.
Regarding @aeneasCaldarium's #CAGTTL. I have thoroughly reviewed both the content of these dossiers AND the general community backlash. My own personal revulsion aside, I must deliver down props where due for this greased-down reprobate's investigative chops. In a way, they're sales chops, and he is the community's MOST reviled door-to-door entrepreneur! It is a shame that burrowing betwixt the legs of a woman like a fat starving tick seems to occupy the greater share of his cognitive ability, because imagine what he could do if he weren't such a foaming pervert! I have seen the societal contributor that he is FIRSTHAND on the opposite face of the dimensional coin. Slight detraction: I wonder if Gameward has laid eyes on this open admission of desperation and his feelings on the matter. I must forward the guide to him later. BACK TO TOPIC. What else could I possibly say? Am I expected to unflinchingly take up the woman's side of this double shield wall? Normally, I say "very well, bub! And hand me that spear while you're at it!" But lordy, he has read you two so transparently that I daresay your iterations have COLLECTIVELY failed to preserve the mystery. He has you open like the morning paper, and you have permitted such prying eyes in exchange for the cheap thrill and the currency of fleeting romantic attention from a man you do not even actually want! There is a lesson about self-esteem to be delivered here by someone with a gentler touch than mine. For now, I shall simply say this. PLEASE, for the love of all womankind, get shrewd and don't just rummage for these cheap loose sexual extremities out of the bargain bin. #nsfw I guess.
Sniffle. Thank you.
...
I have already considered this option and am prepared to dispel misinformation with haste!
CLEARLY I ASSUMED BETTER OF MYSELF AND HER PARADOXICAL ITERATIONS.
What? No. He's not going to do one on me.
DO NOT COME OVER WE'RE HHAVING CA CALM ADULT DFISCUTTSION GHET THE FUCK OFF OF ME
I'll be careful bouncing his everloving DOME OFF THE FUCKING WALL.
@terminallyCapricious#2753 GET THE HELL OUT OF MY HOUSE, YOU PUTRID STAIN ON THE SAPIENT WORLD!!!!!!!!!
Unreal Heiress queue up I'm Not Okay by MCR
Oh. Good morning, Nepeta.
Eugh.
I'M AT WORK. SOME PEOPLE ON THIS PLANET HAPPEN TO CONTRIBUTE TO SOCIETY.
Regrettably.
https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/458e02777fd9.jpeg @gutsyGumshoe HONK.
@caliglds
[ A blurry, pink-tinted photo of a bloody sleeveless hand wrapped so hard around Gamzee's neck that his eyes and tongue bulge out like Bart Simpson. He is missing several teeth, and the end of his clownish nose has been bitten so hard as to hang off by a thread. ] #nsfw #violence #gore
Er. No, sorry. Don't go. It's fine. I guess. :|
Guh.
DON'T YOU WORRY. YOUR FAMILIARITY WITH THE INTERIOR OF KITCHEN APPLIANCES IS ABOUT TO SPREAD BEFORE YOU LIKE A VAST NEW TERRITORY. YOU ARE NOT GOING IN THE FRIDGE. I WILL MAKE YOU BEG ME FOR THE COOL REPRIEVE OF THE CRISPER DRAWER. BUSTER, WE ARE HAVING GAMBURGER HELPER FOR DINNER! YOU'RE GOING HEAD FIRST INTO THAT FUCKING OVEN!!!!! #nsfw #violence #gore
GREAT. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME CAN'T YOU SEE IM IN THE MIDST OF A DOMESTIC DISPUTE HERE?
And have you got one yet.
Sorry. What.
... I will concede. Gamzee Makara thwarted my security detail and proceeded to knock the seeds straight out of my melon. A handful of times. A handful of dozen of times, if his posts are to be believed. Pardon me if I have trouble keeping count. But they say that the way to a man's heart ultimately is through his stomach. And folks, have I EVER got supper in the oven.
Oh.
Unreal Heiress, play Mr. Blue Sky by Electric Light Orchestra.
Swell. See you for dinner.
Me? No. I'll DM you the coordinates. Let me know if you need to facilitate the interdimensional jump.
@aeneasCaldarium Come over.
Minor domestic dispute. Mind your own honey beeswax.
I hear the pleas of the masses. But the solution here is NOT more wanton violence. No matter how you may strike this miserable starving poonhound, you will not deter him from the table! ... There is only one weapon left in my artillery. A single lethal projectile by which to silence this fool.
OH, NOT LIKE THAT, YOU FREAKS.
It is high time someone teach this amphibious cretin that he cannot, and I quote, "handle allat."
Cronus is here.
#nsfw I guess.
Oh my god.
What the hell is all over the floor.
THANK you, Cronus. This goes to show you that no one is beyond education. ... Is something burning? OH, GREAT BALLS OF FIRE.
... :(
Just get off my post.
BUTT OUT. YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!!!! AT LEAST HE'S OPENLY SUPPORTING ME, WHICH IS MORE THAN I CAN SAY FOR YOU, MR. "BOYS' NIGHT."
UNREAL HEIRESS, CANCEL OUR RESERVATION FOR THE POPE ROOM AT BUCA DI BEPPO!!!!!! @caligulasAquarium @timaeusTestified#0414 EAT THAT, YOU UTTER TRAITORS.
So sorry! His lord highness has commanded I not attempt to seek comfort from my own friends. Sleepover cancelled!
Dirk wins, everyone! Dirk wins ALL THE FRIENDS. Congratulations. Pile into the Pope Room, one and all! Behold Dirk's crops and see that they are positively SAGGING with fruit. I hope you're quite satisfied with yourself. Keep them. Forever!!!! GOOD BYE.
@uranianUmbra#4373 @tipsyGnostalgic#2248 @golgothasTerror Ahem. Slumber party! Tonight. Starting ASAP. Haul your rumps over here. I have all the necessary preparations.
No.
Unreal Heiress. Play Nobody by Mitski.
I'm going to bed.
@terminallyCapricious#2753 Wake up and get out of my house.
Blugh. Thank you. :|
DAMN IT. HOLD ON. Don't reset my foul mood with your pleasantries. I'm trying to hold the buzz on a solid prior-night tantrum.
It's morning. I don't know that "good" is the hat I'd bestow upon the day straight off the starting line.
SHUT UP!
Unreal Heiress. Play My Paper Heart by the All-American Rejects.
Apparently because you had zero return input! :B A failsafe by your second brain to prevent the shame burning through your HUMAN nervous system? Try turning yourself off and on again.
Crockercorp. One word, you disappointing fucking dullard. Also- the "BOARD OF DIRECTORS?" What reality are YOU dwelling under the funk of wherein OUR namesake corporation is run by ANYTHING other than our own private equity? You haven't bought back your own fucking stock? The bootstraps are for PULLING ONESELF UPWAYS, not tangling around your own gullet like an unobserved toddler stumbling into the window shades! :B But let us be quite frank with ourselves, shall we? You are cognitively ROTTING under the yoke of that contraption. You will never aspire to anything greater than burrowing mouth-first into your empress' shoe leather like a rat trying to find fresh air. And good gravy, that is ok! I have now thoroughly observed you. Beneath the heel of a more intelligent superior is precisely your niche, Jane. Hold on tight to that shelter, because we can all see VERY APPARENTLY that you do not have the chops for upper management.
I'm going to provide you a singular opportunity to train the AI sucking your brainstem NEVER to speak to me in that manner again. If you're as intelligent as your wire (and circuit) mother, you'll learn.
An official statement on my rendezvous with @aeneasCaldarium. He joined me at the Crocker estate for supper, and we had a long, civil adult discussion on the subjects he erroneously ascribed to MY person in his sloppy pursuit of my alternates. I took great care to wipe that slate clean and to reeducate him (VERBALLY) on the state of my interests and endeavors. He was... more than receptive to my revisions. :| Then he left! I wholeheartedly accept the apology and corrected statement that followed. And that is all she wrote, buster!
@gutlessGorturer Alrighty. Let us dispense with the pretense of pleasantry, here. I am going to shift to a lower gear NOT in retreat, but in response to what you must assume is a well-calculated assessment of my person. Some minor concessions. That I stress test my alternates and peers for low-risk data by which I may color my own upward momentum. Such is the necessary vehicle of self-improvement when one has blown off the training wheels and is shakily keeping upright of their own volition- something you know nothing about!! Also, they need a little pushing. It's good for them, and for you. Or it would be, if you weren't too augmented to make use of peer feedback. :P Anyhow, that is where your potency as a social saboteur falls to a fizzling, flat failure. Now on to your points in order. 1.) "Biological clock." Nonexistent. Someone tell this dizzy broad that MY ova are EVER-replenished. Frankly, you ought to know this if YOUR spawncannon is as fruitful as it must be for you to attack MY lack of reproductive bounty. I had better watch the accordion-fold print of YOUR legion of heiresses SPILL from your wallet. LET'S SEE UNREAL HEIRESS' LITTER. The mother hen scratches herself a proper nest before letting loose! I have AS LONG AS I'D LIKE to situate that space before engaging in Phase Two. 2.) You have narrated the cycle of behaviors in my posts. Congratulations. With effort, you might bust out of your CURRENT toady britches of absolute servitude and land a gig in the social media department at MY headquarters! Oh, wait, no. These are the baseline double-digit IQ observations of essentially anyone on the platform who performs a regular check-in on my page. Congratulations rescinded. 3.) I "speak like a CEO" because I am a CEO, who is electing voluntarily to share my personal opinions on certain matters on my PERSONAL SOCIAL MEDIA PAGE. If I were any battier on the main feed, it would be a disservice to my accomplishments in the court of public opinion. Again, a cavelike simplicity to the logic you wield. Could we wake up the SUPERcomputer? I fear my genetic neighbor is burning the interior of the TI-84 she's got banging around up in that empty coconut! 4.) I am a conduit of raw Creation and those properties of Life are mine to "abuse," although I take issue with your liberal application of the word. No jokes here. I am simply going to continue doing what I want! :B 5.) (To the reader: she counted my posts. What a fucking loonybird.) YOU have posted [TOO MANY] times, comprising a quantity I refuse to dignify with an actual figure. Whatever quantity of blithering has escaped your flapping mouth has run past the dadgum fill line. 6.) Eridan Week was in fact spectacular. We are eclipsing into a rare alignment of ideals for this brief moment. Bask in the shadow of my footsteps and see how much wiggle-room you've got yet to fill on those toes. 7.) Again with the a-words. Assault? I have a towering stack of liability waivers that beg to differ. Also missing the strategic point of that night and the greater event as a whole, which doesn't surprise me. You are such a dogmatic black hole that no humor may escape your gaze with ANY remaining merit, even the shroud of joviality over actual gamepiece movement! 8.) I LOATHE being subjected to the fumbling of an individual wearing my face and name. In your case, I'll give you a pass, because you've been rendered little more than an enforcer, and at that task within your own chronology I'm sure you're quite successful. I do not SELF-loathe. This is an inaccurate interpretation of my deeper motivations spawned by YOUR artificial imperative to get me on board with your Ponzi hubbub. Durr. On the off chance that these insults are being relayed strictly for guffaws (which I doubt), you're equally missing the mark. Missy, I have got your number as well as you think you've got mine. At the end of the day, I have BEEN you. You have never been me! One day, when the circlet falls from your scalp and the scales from your eyes, I will accept your blubbering apology in the form of your face mashed against the polished marble of my executive office floors. And then perhaps, PERHAPS, in the name of sisterhood, I will drop you a couple of pointers. Or maybe you'll just die like that OTHER Jane, tormented in biological inauthenticity and so augmented that her tether to Life itself pinched shut in utter rejection of her fate. But trust. It's one or the other for you. :B
... Thank you.
Legislation on Earth-C has officially outlawed the sale of all unauthorized, counterfeit materials bearing my likeness, including toys and other various silly comfortstuffs. Farewell and good riddance, "Janunu." https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/77469c7a3c16.png
t+ere are multiple of +er more worryingly
￣\ hey kry maybe your goggles would look less like tits if you did it like this /￣