Nuke Troyer

DID YOU KNOW — it's actually kind of beautiful fred flintsone named that cereal after his daughter. do you think he called it that because fruity boulders were too hard for her to eat?— SO THINK ABOUT THAT AND KEEP ON LEARNIN'!

DID YOU KNOW — its so exhausting being hilarious and woefully underappreciated— SO THINK ABOUT THAT AND KEEP ON LEARNIN'!

DID YOU KNOW — call the sexy coastgaurd because ever since i printed out my high score cert for the oregon trail ive been drowning in muff #nsfw— SO THINK ABOUT THAT AND KEEP ON LEARNIN'!

DID YOU KNOW — i am a fucking shoo in hahahahahah come on who wouldn't want this classic mug on their screen this is even better than a mere mug this is a maßkrug (german one litre beer mug. yeah that's right. i'm that good.)— SO THINK ABOUT THAT AND KEEP ON LEARNIN'!

DID YOU KNOW — nukes's list of sexiest sports for dudes: 1) baseball 2) billiards 3) rugby 4) boxing 5) basketball 6) volleyball 7) swimming 8) men's cabaret 9) boxing again 10) competitive planking #nuketroyer #nsfw ? #nsfwtroyer #nukebomb— SO THINK ABOUT THAT AND KEEP ON LEARNIN'!

DID YOU KNOW — i hate chess because it'll always have moves called "the kings cream" or something where you have to preserve all your pawns to the end of the board so you can maximize as many queens as possible or whatever. stupid. it's a stupid stupid game.— SO THINK ABOUT THAT AND KEEP ON LEARNIN'!

DID YOU KNOW — nuke has never prayed this hard for the month of may— SO THINK ABOUT THAT AND KEEP ON LEARNIN'!

DID YOU KNOW — [a young man with a stupid haircut stands in a grocery store aisle. it just so happens that today is his big audition for total drama island. though it was 10 years ago he was given a name it is only today that he will be given his big break.] i'm nuke troyer and this is my audition for @starpower and @gutsygumshoe on total! drama! islaaaaand! okay tedi release the newts. [a tsunami milk floods the aisle, at least you certainly hope it's milk, carrying brightly colored newts with floaties in with it. nuke still stands there, proud and steadfast having braved the wave of dairy.] five, six, seven, eight! [the sprawled out amphibians leap up at his call, getting into uniformed lines as a funky beat plays on an off screen boombox. it has to be off screen because the music sounds too shitty and tinny to have been edited in. nuke's legs twist to and fro with a couple of stompy dance moves, newts synchronized with him (kind of). the squeak of wet sneakers and splashy piddles of webbed feet fight toe for toe with the song. a few grocery store patrons try to enter the aisle but quickly turn away the second their eyes catch the atrocity lain before them.. all it takes is one newt slipping up on their choreo to cause chaos. like squishy little dominoes one slips on the wet floor and splats down belly first, not a thought behind its eyes as it slides slowly into the next one, toppling the coordinated line one by one until it reaches nuke. his ankle is clipped mid hop and nuke falls to the ground face first, camera following his descent. quickly, he twists around to lie on his side breakdancer style and flash a wink at the camera. his nose is bleeding and turning the inch of milk below him a gross pink.] if you want thomeone with a gogetter attitude and rethiliant mind, choothe me! nuke out!— SO THINK ABOUT THAT AND KEEP ON LEARNIN'!

DID YOU KNOW — pleaaaaaaaaaaaaaase please please please please i will wiggle my vb vb vb vb vb vb— SO THINK ABOUT THAT AND KEEP ON LEARNIN'!

DID YOU KNOW — nuke spent 30 minutes trying to get water #nulewaiter— SO THINK ABOUT THAT AND KEEP ON LEARNIN'!

DID YOU KNOW — karaoke bar time, hooray no one is ready for my pipes #nukepipes #karanuke— SO THINK ABOUT THAT AND KEEP ON LEARNIN'!

DID YOU KNOW — nuke's about to puke #puketroyer— SO THINK ABOUT THAT AND KEEP ON LEARNIN'!

DID YOU KNOW — nuke's middle name? desmond. but he shortens it to dez to save time. #nuketroyer #nukedeztroyer— SO THINK ABOUT THAT AND KEEP ON LEARNIN'!

DID YOU KNOW — nuke doesn't chase, nukey gets chased. #nukechaser #nuketroyer— SO THINK ABOUT THAT AND KEEP ON LEARNIN'!

DID YOU KNOW — there's nothing better than an ice cold ginger ale on a hot summery day #nukeale #nuketroyer— SO THINK ABOUT THAT AND KEEP ON LEARNIN'!

DID YOU KNOW — nuke won big at the slots $0.06 baby drinks are on me #nukewins #nukeitall #nuketroyer— SO THINK ABOUT THAT AND KEEP ON LEARNIN'!

DID YOU KNOW — if you ever get lost at sea you can drink your own urine to reduce the salt in your body #nuketips #nuketroyer— SO THINK ABOUT THAT AND KEEP ON LEARNIN'!

DID YOU KNOW — they're letting me eat in the fancy captain's hall on the ship it's #nukewins #nukemysteak #nuketroyer— SO THINK ABOUT THAT AND KEEP ON LEARNIN'!

DID YOU KNOW — message to the public please do not use the tag #nuketroyer that is for my own personal branding and marketing integrity thank you for understanding #nuketroyer #copyright #nukeslawyer #grateful— SO THINK ABOUT THAT AND KEEP ON LEARNIN'!

DID YOU KNOW — beeyatch they named me nuke because i be dropping troof bombs #nuke #nuketroyer— SO THINK ABOUT THAT AND KEEP ON LEARNIN'!