The Orphaner
@orphanerAmpora
((PFP by InfernalGuard on DeviantArt))
I VWWas an all too familiar foe. The Bourreaucrat. #OutGlutMasquerade Before there VWWere drones, and before there VWWas His Honorable Tyranny, these members of the highest echelons of society VWWere designated to be the prosecution and executioner of those VWWho VWWould be conVVicted. In some seasons, VWWhen I could not sail, I VWWould act as the Bourreaucrat. https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/c766ff2db64d.png
We know it was you, Darling. The scent alone was enough to make a commoner shriek and confuse you with either a dead cod, or the next worst thing, an Orphaner.
Yes, that VWWas the intention. To strike fear. WWere you troubled, Ms. Miguel? I hope I hadn't ruined your eVVening.
Such a sad pup, that boy. It is a shame.
STOP FUCKING WVAGUING ME AND TALK TO ME LIKE A REAL MAN. YOU VWANNA FIGHT? ILL 8EAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU, 8OY.
Oh? You consider yourself a pup? A boy? I thought you VWWere a man. Act like one, and do not make assumptions.
you thought you ate me up vwith that one, huh. its like, so embarrassing for you cause youre old as shit beefing vwith a young, hot dude like me. youre so mad. youre so fucking mad, get a grip. YOURE CRAZY.
are you intentionally stupid? like, do you enjoy dumbing yourself dovwn. that doesnt get you a lot of broads, just so you knovw. i vwouldnt, cause im really smart. i obwviously meant physically you stupid old fart. youre OLD and im HOT AND YOUNG.
If being stupid VWWould attain a man his partners, then you VWWould be the droVWWning man VWWatching myself die of thirst, rather than the opposite being true.
oh my cooooood, youre so fucking lame. i cant beliewve youre me. i cant fucking beliewve youre me. i hope you get scurwvy, bitch.
WWhat is this dreadful illness?
A deVVast8tingly 8eautiful and nursely anonymous sender asks: "Do you haVVe any particularly guilty pleasures you'd 8e interested in diVVulging to the pu8lic?" I VWWill saVVe you the mercy of reVVealing VWWho you are. VVVery VWWell. Romantic noVVels. Not respectable courtship dramas, mind you. I mean the dreadful sort. ExcessiVVe yearning. Impossibly attractiVVe aristocrats. Torrid riVValries stretched across seVVeral hundred pages because neither participant possesses the sense to state VWWhat they VWWant plainly. Secret rendezVVous. Duels. Betrayals. Letters discoVVered at precisely the VWWorst possible moment. Utter rubbish. I haVVe shelVVes of it. I complain about the prose. I criticize eVVery tactical error made by the supposed riVVals. I become genuinely irritated VWWhen an author confuses simple incompatibility for compelling tension. And then I purchase the sequel. The less realistic, the better. That is all you are getting from me. One humiliation per inquiry, scholar.
A coVWWard asks: "WWhat's being an orphaner like? Is the job easy for you or are there difficulties to it?" Easy for me? Generally. An easy profession? Absolutely not. Most trolls seem to imagine an Orphaner spots some tremendous beast offshore, points at it, and eliminates it from the ecological census. HoVWWeVVer, it is far beyond this. As I haVVe recently exposited quite thoroughly. To keep it simple, you are a hunter and a manager of logistics. You may slay a monster that a VVillage relies on. You may haVVe to route naVVigational merchants aVWWay from VWWaterVWWays. There's too much to name. Too much to explain in this. #cVWW-VViolence #cVWW-imperialism #cVWW-casteism #OrphanerAnsVWWers https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSdtsCVWWQRBgTMnQ_n8VVVxaVWWpFAbje4GYjAnAJK2kf9BUDdEM2-A/VVieVWWform?usp=publish-editor
Though, I suspect only *one* of you VWWill make good use of it, I VWWill proVVide this regardless. I VWWill not suffer fools. #OrphanerAnsVWWers https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSdtsCVWWQRBgTMnQ_n8VVVxaVWWpFAbje4GYjAnAJK2kf9BUDdEM2-A/VVieVWWform?usp=publish-editor
I haVVe adequately slain the proposed beast for hunting. A medium-large sized Nautilusus that VWWas causing some trouble for mercantile ships VWWith its constant ramming. Thankfully, it is solVVed. You are VWWelcome.
A shameful topic of discussion. For some. #NSFWW
On the topic of Lusii, giVVen a recent thought, I suppose I should note that I had been one of seVVeral dozen grubs raised by my particular Skyhorse lusus. Many Orphaners-in-Training are raised en masse, proVVided the Mother Grub had proVVided them as such. HoVWWeVVer, it is only he VWWho conquers the lusus VWWho is deemed VWWorthy. I VWWas hardly a rugVWWrath VWWhen I had taken my Lusus's reins and rode him to the Imperial Palace to kneel before the Sigil of Authority.
I am nothing if not humble about my many VVictories.
I'VVe the mind of a trunkbeast. I neVVer forgiVVe, or forget. My countless campaigns upon the dozen seas of Alternia haVVe permitted me to find an adVVersary and a subsequent VVictory at nearly any time of night.
I cannot lay claim to contributing to that particular mess.
At the behest of @antaresesGossamer, she demands I participate in your ritualistic ideation of "fun" by potraying myself in an "emoticon." This is my effort. @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@#*%@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@#+#@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@#@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@%@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@#*+@@@@%@@@@@@@%%#@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@%%%@@@@%%**@@@@@@@@@#*#%%@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ @@@@%%%@%%@@@@@@@@@@@@@%%%%%%%@#=#@@@@@@@#+%@%%@@@@%@@@@@@@@@%@@@@@@@ %%%%@%%%%@%%@@@@@@%@@%@@%%@%@@@@@@@@@@@@@*%@@%%@@%%@@%@@%%%%%%%%@%%%% %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%@%%%%@%%@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@%%%@%%%@%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% %%%%%%%%%%%%%%@%%%%%%%%%%%%@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@%@%%%@%%%%%%@@@@%%%%%%%% %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@%%%%%%%@%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%@@@%%%%%%@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@%%%%@@%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%@@@@@@%%%%@@@@@@@@@@@@**%*+@@@@@@%@%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% %%%%%%%%%%%%%%@@@@@@@@##%%%@@@%##++*%%@%%@@@@@@@%#%#####%%%%%%%%%%%%% %%%%%%%%%%%%%%*@@@@@%=%@%@@%%@@@%%%%%%%@@@@@@@@@@%%%###%%%%%%%%%##%%% ###########%%%%*%@@@=+@@@@@%%%%%%%%%@@@@@@@@@@@@@%%##%############### ###########%%%%%%%%%%@@@@@@@@@@%%@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@%%################# #################%%%%%@@%@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@%##%@################### ################%@%%%%%@@@%%@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@#***##################### ##############%%%%%%%%%##%@@%@@@@@@@@%%@%@@@@@**%%################### ##%%%%%%%%%%%%%%@%%%%%#*####@@%%%@%%%%***#%@@@@%%%################### #%%%%@@@@@@@%@@@@@%%%%#********%%%#********%@@@@@%%****************** %%%@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@%%%%*********#@@@@@@@*****@@@@@%@#***#********#**** %%%@@@@@@@@@@@@@@%%%%%%##%@@@%%@@@@@@@@%**%@@@@@@@%%#**************** %%%%@@@@@@@@@@@@%%%%%%%%%%@@@##@%#@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@%%**************** ####%%@@@@@@@@@@@%%%%%%%#@@@@@@@*******#@%@@@@@@@@@%%#*************** %%###%%%%@@%%%%%%%%%%%%*@@@@@@@%***********#@@@@@@@@#%*************** *#%####%%%%%%%%%%%%@%%%*@@@@@@@************%@@@@@@@@%%*************** **#%####%%%%%%%%%@@@@%#*@%#@@@#**************%@@@@@@%%%%%#*********** ****%####%%%%@@@@@@@@%#*%***@%*****************@@@@@@@%%%%%%##******* *****%####%%%@@@@@@@@%%**************#%#@******@@@@@@@@@@@@%@%%%%%%#* ******#%####%%@@@@@%%%@******@@#**#@*#@*%*%***@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ *******#%###%%@@@@@%%%@#****#%%%###%@*@%*@*#*%*@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@ *********#%%%%%%%%%#%##*##%####@*##*@**@*%%***%*%%@@@@@@@@@@%%@@@@@@@ ***************#%%####**%#@*@*#%%##*%@*%@*%*#**##%%%%@@@@@@@%%%%%%%%% *******************%#%**%#@*##%*@***#@%*@**#*@*##%%%%@@@@@@@%%%#####% *********************#**%##%*###@#*#*@@*%@*%*%**#%%%%%%@@@@@@%%%##### *************************#*%***%*#**%*@%*@****%***%####%@@@%%%%%%#### *************************#**%##%**%**#*@**%*******%#####%%##%%#%%%### **************************%**%#*####*%**@*@**#******######%****#%#### **************************#**%#**@%***@*##*#**#******#%%#********%### ***************************%*##**%##%**#*@****#********************%# ***************************@*##***#*%**@*%#*#**#********************* ***************************@*##*#***#***#*%**%**#***#**************** ***************************#*#%*%*******%*****#**#***#*****#********* ****************************#*%*#****#*****#**%***%***#************** ****************************%*#*#********%**#**#**##***#*************
Please 8e made pu8licly aware that this is NOT what I requested of him.
I haVVe been asked if I am aliVVe. WWhat do you think? This little petting zoo of theological disputes does not make for sound judgement, it VWWould seem.
good morning, señor ampora. you really should stop letting losers ruin your day!!!!
I haVVe alVWWays held a fondness for cartography. Not the little decoratiVVe things merchants hang upon their VWWalls, mind you, but proper charts. Coastlines measured correctly. Shoals marked before some incompetent captain tears open his hull upon them. Currents noted, preVVailing VWWinds understood, ports categorized by depth, population, defenses, and usefulness. A good map is an argument against uncertainty. It tells you VWWhere you are, VWWhat stands betVWWeen you and VWWhere you intend to be, and precisely hoVWW much force is required to cross that distance. Hard to find these days. EVVen harder to keep.
I suppose I should be arranging for a hunt sooner than I had expected.
Sad little thing, aren't you? Lonely as you are, enjoy the next passage of drones.
i'm so glad you think so. he just didn't get her at all!!!
Apologies, but-- if this is th' same Peter y're alludin' t'... well, um. He helped me out of a tight spot once...! So it's a bit jarrin' t' see this... ahhah...
Do not permit me to begin on a tirade against my "alternate" selVVes. GameVWWardens, human sympathizers, and fools.
Is it perhaps possible that an anthropological scholar reach out to me discerning a recent consideration of my oVWWn? Primarily, I am concerned about the "humans" and their place on Alternia, and the greater caste system as a VWWhole. It is my understanding that they haVVe an unequiVVocal sense of indiVViduality, and haVVe eVVen taken royal office in certain colonies such as 34 - Royal Terran HiVVe.
The integrati9n 9f humans and tr9lls t9gether is g9ing rather well, in my 9pini9n. It c9uld 6e g99d f9r us t9 learn fr9m them, and fr9m what I've seen, a few 9f them appear t9 appreciate learning fr9m us t99. Perhaps a middle gr9und 6etween the s9cial c9nventi9ns 9f 9ur species w9uld 6e an ideal t9 strive f9r, 9r even 6etter, sp9tting the sh9rtc9mings 9f 9ur 9wn s9cieties thr9ugh 96serving the 9ther and impr9ving t9gether. Given that they are all warm-6l99ded, h9wever, may6e their arrival den9tes that we sh9uld place less imp9rtance 9n the system that still limits us all.
A dreadfully chartreuse VVenom has alVWWays been a classic trope, and yet the VVenombloods do not seem to haVVe the luxury of toxicity in their systems. Perhaps, if they VWWere a tad more dangerous, they could haVVe been kept around. #CVWW-Casteism #Limebloods