♣ mediated by @timelessGadabout
Hoping I don't get hated to hell, but I got called crazy for this. https://file.garden/Z4SA6lN1FGulCkOb/IMG_6087.png
VOUCH!!!
OK CHITTR. I’VE GOT A JOKE FOR YOU. A TROLL IS DRIVING DOWN AN EMPTY HIGHWAY IN A SCUTTLEBUGGY, ON HIS WAY BACK HIVE AFTER A ROAD TRIP. HIS ENGINE STALLS AND SPUTTERS OUT RANDOMLY, LEAVING HIM STRANDED ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD. HE CHECKS HIS PALMHUSK, AND REALIZES IT ISN’T CHARGED. BUMMER. SO HE LOOKS AROUND, AND NOTICES A MONASTERY IN THE DISTANCE. AS IT’S THE ONLY BUILDING NEARBY, HE DECIDES TO CHANCE IT AND GOES UP TO IT, DESPITE THE RISKS, AND KNOCKS ON THE DOOR, GREETED BY AN OLD MONK. “HOW CAN I HELP YOU, STRANGER?” THE MONK ASKS. “MY CAR BROKE DOWN AND MY PALMHUSK IS DEAD, I NEED SOME HELP” THE TROLL REQUESTS. THE MONKS GRACIOUSLY OFFER TO LET HIM STAY THE LIGHT, THEY FEED HIM DINNER, AND EVEN FIX HIS CAR SO HE CAN LEAVE ONCE THE SUN GOES BACK DOWN. AS THE TROLL TRIES TO FALL ASLEEP, BELLY FULL, FEELING SECURE WHERE HE IS, HE HEARS A STRANGE SCRATCHING SOUND THAT IS SEEMINGLY COMING FROM A FLOOR BELOW HIM. HE WANDERS THE MONASTERY, AND IS SOON STOPPED BY ONE OF THE MONKS, WHO QUESTIONS WHY HE’S AWAKE. “I CAN’T SLEEP,” HE SAYS, “THERE’S A STRANGE SOUND. WHAT IS IT?” “I CAN’T TELL YOU,” REPLIES THE MONK. “WHY NOT?” “I CAN’T TELL YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE NOT A MONK.” THE TROLL IS CONFUSED, BUT IS EVENTUALLY ABLE TO GO BACK TO CUPE AND GET SOME SLEEP. WHEN HE WAKES UP AND IS PREPARING TO LEAVE, HE HEARS THAT SOUND AGAIN. HE WANDERS UNTIL HE FINDS A STAIRCASE LEADING DOWN TO THE LOWER LEVEL, A BASEMENT OF SORTS, AND MULLS OVER WHETHER TO INVESTIGATE. HOWEVER, HE GETS STOPPED BY ANOTHER MONK. “MONK, WHAT’S DOWN THERE?” THE TROLL ASKS. “DOWN THERE? OH, I CAN’T TELL YOU,” SAYS THE MONK, SHAKING HIS HEAD. “AFTER ALL, YOU’RE NOT A MONK.” “CAN I AT LEAST GO DOWN TO SEE IT?” HE PLEADS. “I’M AFRAID NOT. ONLY MONKS CAN GO DOWN THERE. YOU SEE, THERE IS A DOOR DOWN THERE THAT CAN ONLY BE OPENED WITH A WOODEN KEY. ONLY A MONK WHO HAS CLIMBED THE GREAT TREE IN THE CENTER OF THE NEARBY FOREST GETS TO HAVE THE WOODEN KEY.” “SO IF I BECOME A MONK AND CLIMB THAT TREE, I CAN GET THE WOODEN KEY?” THE TROLL INQUIRES CURIOUSLY. “INDEED,” SAYS THE MONK. THE TROLL PONDERS THIS FOR A WHILE, BUT DECIDES THAT NOISE ISN’T WORTH BECOMING A MONK FOR, SO HE BIDS THE MONASTERY AND THE MONKS GOODBYE, AND DRIVES OFF. HOWEVER, AS THE NIGHTS GO BY, HE FINDS IT HARDER AND HARDER TO PUT THE SOUND OUT OF HIS MIND. WHAT WAS IN THE BASEMENT, BEYOND THE WOODEN DOOR, THAT COULD HAVE BEEN MAKING THAT SOUND? WHY DID THE MONKS HAVE TO GUARD THE SECRET SO CAREFULLY? IT WAS EATING HIM ALIVE. THE TROLL RETURNS TO THE MONASTERY ONLY A WEEK LATER. “OKAY,” HE SAYS, “I’M READY TO BECOME A MONK AND CLIMB THAT TREE.” SO, THE MONKS LEAD HIM OUT TO THE FOREST AND SHOW HIM THE GREAT TREE. AT THE TOP OF THE TREE IS A BELL. THEY TELL HIM TO RING THE BELL THREE TIMES ONCE HE GETS TO THE TOP, AND THEY WILL GIVE HIM THE WOODEN KEY. IT TAKES A FEW HOURS OF ATTEMPTS, AND BY THE END OF IT, THE TROLL IS EXHAUSTED, BUT HE DOES MANAGE TO SCALE THE LARGE TREE, AND RING THE BELL THREE TIMES. HE RETURNS TO THE MONASTERY AND THE MONKS GIVE HIM THE WOODEN KEY. THE TROLL MAKES HIS WAY TO THE STAIRCASE. HE DESCENDS SLOWLY, AND COMES TO A WOODEN DOOR. THE TROLL TAKES THE WOODEN KEY AND PUTS IT IN THE LOCK, AND SLOWLY TURNS IT. THE DOOR UNLOCKS WITH A CLICK, AND HE PUSHES IT OPEN. THE MAN WALKS IN AND EVENTUALLY COMES TO A STONE DOOR. HE TRIES TO OPEN IT, BUT IT’S LOCKED. THE MAN GOES BACK OUT THE WOODEN DOOR, AND UP THE STAIRS, AND TO THE OTHER MONKS. “I WENT THROUGH THE WOODEN DOOR, BUT THERE’S A STONE DOOR IN MY WAY. HOW DO I GET THE STONE KEY?” THE TROLL ASKS. “YOU HAVE TO PICK UP A THOUSAND STONES AND ARRANGE THEM IN A CIRCLE,” THE MONKS REPLY. THE TROLL NODS AND GOES TO COMPLETE THE TEDIOUS TASK OF FINDING AND ARRANGING A THOUSAND STONES. IT TAKES A FEW HOURS, BUT ONCE HE FINISHES, HE’S ABLE TO RETURN TO THE MONKS AND RETRIEVE THE STONE KEY. WITH THE STONE KEY IN-HAND, HE DESCENDS THE STAIRS, GOES THROUGH THE WOODEN DOOR, AND APPROACHES THE STONE DOOR. HE UNLOCKS IT, AND WALKS THROUGH, EVENTUALLY COMING TO A EMERALD DOOR. THE TROLL KNOWS THE DRILL AT THIS POINT, AND GOES BACK UP TO ASK THE MONKS ABOUT THE EMERALD KEY. “TO OBTAIN THE EMERALD KEY, YOU MUST GO INTO THE FOREST AND MEDITATE UNTIL YOU CAN CONVENE WITH NATURE. ONCE YOU CAN SPEAK WITH THE PLANTS, RETURN TO US, AND WE WILL GIVE YOU THE EMERALD KEY.” IT’S A STRANGE REQUEST, BUT THE TROLL OBLIGES AND GOES INTO THE FOREST TO SIT AND MEDITATE. HE STAYS THERE FOR DAYS, WEEKS, AND THEN EVENTUALLY, MONTHS, BEFORE HE FINALLY STARTS TO HEAR THE PLANTS WHISPERING TO HIM, TELLING HIM THE SECRETS OF THE FOREST. HE THANKS THE PLANTS FOR TALKING TO HIM, AND RETURNS TO THE MONASTERY, TELLING THE MONKS HE SPOKE WITH THE PLANTS. THEY NODDED AND GAVE HIM THE EMERALD KEY. THE TROLL DESCENDED THE STAIRS, WENT THROUGH THE WOODEN DOOR, WENT THROUGH THE STONE DOOR, AND CAME TO THE EMERALD DOOR AGAIN. HE UNLOCKED IT, WENT THROUGH, AND SAW THE SAPPHIRE DOOR. HE RETURNED TO THE MONKS TO ASK ABOUT THE SAPPHIRE KEY. “TO OBTAIN THE SAPPHIRE KEY, YOU MUST GO TO THE SHORE AND MEDITATE BY THE OCEAN UNTIL YOU CAN CONVENE WITH THE WAVES AND THE CREATURES UNDER THE SEA. RETURN TO US ONCE YOU HAVE DONE THAT, AND WE WILL GIVE YOU THE SAPPHIRE KEY.” THE TROLL, MORE EXPERIENCED FROM THE LAST CHALLENGE, SIMPLY NODS AND TAKES TO THE SHORE. HE SAT AND MEDITATED ONCE AGAIN, UNTIL HE CONNECTED WITH THE WAVES AND COULD HEAR THE SEA CREATURES WHISPERING AND TELLING HIM THE SECRETS OF THE OCEAN. HE THANKS THE SEA CREATURES FOR TALKING OT HIM, AND RETURNS TO THE MONASTERY, TELLING THE MONKS HE SPOKE WITH THE WAVES AND THE SEA CREATURES. THEY NODDED AND GAVE HIM THE SAPPHIRE KEY. THE TROLL DESCENDED THE STAIRS, WENT THROUGH THE WOODEN DOOR, THE STONE DOOR, THE EMERALD DOOR, AND THE SAPPHIRE DOOR… AND CAME UP ON A RUBY DOOR. BY THIS POINT, THE TROLL WAS A LITTLE FRUSTRATED. HE WENT BACK UP TO THE MONKS, AND WAS ABOUT TO YELL ABOUT THE RUBY KEY, BUT HE STOPPED. HE REMEMBERED CLIMBING THE TREE, HE REMEMBERED COLLECTING THE STONES, AND HE REMEMBERED ALL THE TIME HE SPENT MEDITATING, AND REALIZED THAT THROUGH HIS QUESTING, HE FOUND SOMETHING MORE IMPORTANT THAN WHATEVER WAS IN THE BASEMENT. HE FOUND PEACE. THE TROLL TOLD THE MONKS THAT HE CAME UPON THE RUBY DOOR, BUT THAT HE’S DECIDED HE DOESN’T NEED THE RUBY KEY. THE MONKS NODDED, AND TOLD HIM THAT MEANS HE’S WORTHY OF IT. THEY HANDED HIM THE KEY, AND TOLD HIM HE CAN SEE WHAT’S BEHIND THE FINAL DOOR WHENEVER HE’S READY. HE POCKETED THE KEY, AND DECIDED TO GO TO CUPE. HE HAD MONK DUTIES TOMORROW, AFTER ALL. HOWEVER, THAT LIGHT, AS HE SLEPT, HE HEARD THAT SCRATCHING SOUND AGAIN. THE TROLL WOKE UP, GOT OUT OF CUPE, AND MADE HIS WAY TO THE STAIRS. HE HESITATED, GRIPPING THE RUBY KEY… AND EVENTUALLY MADE HIS WAY DOWN THE STAIRS, THROUGH THE WOODEN DOOR, THROUGH THE STONE DOOR, THROUGH THE EMERALD DOOR, THROUGH THE SAPPHIRE DOOR… AND STOPPED IN FRONT OF THE RUBY DOOR. HE UNLOCKED IT, AND FINALLY SAW THE INCREDIBLE SECRET THAT WAS HIDING IN THE BASEMENT, PAST THE RUBY DOOR. WHAT WAS IT? OH. WELL. I CAN’T TELL YOU. YOU’RE NOT A MONK.
Of the two of us, Davis, I am inarguably the more socially adept.
that makes... one two- a lot. a lot of cool cats i know.
NOT TOO MUCH NOW.
*「 Its okay, fruit punch will help. 」
YOU'RE NOT BUILDING A GOOD CASE FOR YOUR SELVES HERE.
CONTROVERSIAL STATEMENT OF DEBATABLE VERACITY.
NO MORE DAVES. PLEASE. I DON'T EVEN WANT THE ONE I CURRENTLY HAVE.
about that
▼▼WE ARE NOT▲▲
it's just me always being me. so when i feel like im tall things correct themaelves accordingly. people usually forget how i looked before when the swap happens.
im glad i get to be short when i want to if i was 6'2 all the time i would go insane.
i wish i had actual powers. immortality sucks. i want beam attacks
rose think about what youre saying
https://media.tenor.com/n6OTqB38sioAAAAM/giggle-chuckle.gif
i never have embed fails ever, because i'm just sꙮ peak and amazing at literally everything - The Non-Mystical Regular Guy Man
tꙮꙮ spꙮiled by always being the first in the dictiꙮnary - The Non-Mystical Regular Guy Man
it means a lot that you care though, dave! really.. thank you.
i.. i don't know about that. i guess a big part of me struggling comes from not really having any of my friends anymore to begin with. from my timeline, anyway.
THAT'S HILARIOUS. BUT YOU DON'T WANT TO BE THE ONE TO INTRODUCE THEM TO THE CONCEPT OF HIGH ART?
If They / Are / Primitive They Would Never Appreciate Troll Mitski's Music In The Same Way. Therefore, They Do Not Deserve To Hear It.
Ughhh I feel like shit, I lost the gamble against the gas station Sushi this time, if I die I leave all of my earthly possessions to my man lil cal.
it's kinda cozy t8h
turns the shaver off
there are so many older people here. i kind of forgot people over 25 existed!
are-you-more-concerned-about-the-past-the-present-or-the-future? ♥:-the-past ♠:-the-present ♦:-the-future ♣:-nuance/other-(comment?)
I AM NOT A RAT.
pretend its friday and this is the first #fatbearfriday anyway this is walker
brb, logging on to push you off your horse and steal him.
CAN YOU LITERALLY HOP OFF MY BULGE FOR LIKE 2 MINUTES? ARE YOU CAPABLE OF CEASING YOUR INCESSANT BOUNCING SO I CAN INTERFACE WITH LITERALLY ANYONE THAT ISN'T YOUR SELF-CENTERED ASS?
IMAGINE DOING LITERALLY NOTHING BUT EXISTING IN A SPACE YOU WERE LITERALLY INVITED TO EXIST IN, AND YOUR RECLUSIVE EX DECIDES TO RANDOMLY MAKE IT HIS MISSION TO MAKE YOU UTTERLY MISERABLE FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON PAST JUVENILE ENMITY. AND PEOPLE SAY *I’M* COMBATIVE.
BEGRUDGING LIKE. I GUESS SOME PEOPLE STILL HAVE TASTE HERE.
▲why are you pink now▼
out here soft launching all my #incest #stockholmsyndrome posts and no one bats an eye. my friends are so sick of my shit lmfao
NO. AND I WON'T PRETEND I DO TO PRESERVE YOUR FEELINGS. AND- WELL, I WAS GOING TO SAY THERE'S NO SHAME IN TRYING, BUT I THINK THERE SHOULD BE A LITTLE SHAME IN TRYING WHEN YOUR JOKES ARE AS BAD AND CORNY AS EGBERT'S.
why did the scarecrow win an award? because he was... snrk... outstanding in his field. :D
lets get them!
ALL PRONGS ON DECK FOR THE MURDER PARTY AGAINST MY SCRIPT STEALING COLLEAGUES.
NO H3 H4S 4 PO1NT HOLD ON
yeah okay, this is fair. it just seems completely pointless. you're responding to each other anyways so what is the point of taking it to 5 different posts.
A SCIENTIST OF MIDDLING-TO-DECENT REPUTE WITH AN INTEREST IN FUCKING AROUND AND FINDING OUT IN REGARDS TO OTHER TIMELINES AND UNIVERSES SHOVED ME ONTO THE SITE WITH ZERO INSTRUCTION PAST "check it out for me! pleeeaaassseee? :)" SO HERE I AM. CHECKING IT OUT. AND I'VE ALREADY ENCOUNTERED PEOPLE FROM MY UNIVERSE. WHICH IS DECIDEDLY NOT THE PURPOSE OF MY BEING HERE. SO THAT'S AWESOME.
Alright, I don’t really like it either but it is his face. If he wants an animal using it as its final resting place then it’s his right.
he looks better without it though!!!
you probably care more, but i don't like it!
wait i hated the other post but actually this is so cursed.
reasons to date me: - ill take you dancing - ill steal flowers for you - im 6'2" - im poly and pan so all options are open - ill burn mixtape cds for you this was meant to be a joke post but rose is next to me and hitting me every time i say something depreciating something about cognitive restructuring of my brain with constructive thoughts or whatever
Oh great, of course paradox space fucks me over on this spectacular grand scale of proportions, aren't I just a lucky guy.
aStOPZ
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY ARE
I’M DEAXTIVATING MY CHITTR ACCOUNT
i dont want them i dont want my own father seeing them in my room
i’m coming over to bring them back PLEAAASSEE. as much as i want to keepitbevauseitsmellslikeyou I CANT BE CAUGHT WITH THESE THINGSSSS!!
correct !!
@cryhoundColoratura
Oh Wonderful, More Humans Coming Onto The Troll Website To Talk About How " Weird " They Think We Are. This Is Exactly What We Needed. #snark
If you want a try and true method to a man's heart, buy him a lot of cigarettes, that might up your chances by 3.7 percent. #substance
it still surprises me how degenerate trolls are in general but i've seen so much degeneracy from them i shouldn't even be surprised anymore yall playas naaastayy watch ur swingalings
i think youre pretty enough that i can pretend
aw hehe. i love you too! so i forgive you! i don't forgive dave though. dave will face consequences.
drifting through the wind? yeah. :) #postsforjohn
There's nothing more to extrapolate from this, you are prettier when you cry, but it's really pathetic and unless you want Dave to make fun of you for the rest of time, man up, dry the waterworks and go to fucking bed. #Tired-of-this-shit
HEHEHE i will never let evil win!!!!
#canceljohnathniel
not even my name.
yes....YES....
don't say that. :(
ya know im glad i made a bunch of water guns. gonna spritz you both for this.
hehehe!!!
I don’t know how much of a party it’s gonna be when your bed time is 9:35PM.
this is 4 ur own good, david. i’m doing this because im your friend and secretary!!!!!!! https://i.ibb.co/zH2XKPrH/IMG-0619.jpg
okay y'know what, i'm done thinking about it and talking about it for today. i'm gonna focus on something BETTER. like really bad jokes.
i guess my main concern with potentially NOT getting back together with my ex(?) is that i'm really not sure what i'd do? like. we've been on and off before, but i've put like over a decade into this relationship. i don't think i actually know how to be single anymore?? is that weird to say?
dave you don't need to mediate ALL of my posts. >:I
why are horses always in such good shape? you can blame it on their... stable diet.
i got distracted from the name thing oops. was talking to my ex(?).
thanks! yeah, it's kinda hard. people kept saying i should like block her and stuff, but i just feel like that's so harsh given how long i've known her. like i'm not oblivious to the fact that she has her ups and downs as a partner, but... i don't know. that just makes me wanna be there for her more. everyone needs someone in their corner. :(
also regarding the whole ex texting me after ghosting me thing uhhh. she's like apologizing and stuff, so i'm gonna think on what to do about all of that.
hi so what do you do when your ex(?) girlfriend finally texts you back after ignoring all of your desperate pleas to talk about what happened between you, and all she says is "heyyyyyyyy"? time sensitive.
Well, they are intelligent and have plans, yeah. However those plans are probably on how to manipulate you into sharing your food with them. Which could count as neighfarious.
the grungler - The Mystical Potion Seller Guy Man
I g3t through mo2t day2 without a tummy ach3
If I'm sleepy, should I ♥️: go to bed ♦️: go to cupe ♠️: start doing tomorrow's chores ♣️: stay up for 4 more hours on my phone?
fine. fine! i'll post it. just paints me in a bit of an intense light! cw gore, but he had it coming. as did his stupid gank-squad time clones. fun fact! when fighting a bunch of out of synch time duplicates of the same dude, they will all probably block the same way when you hit them with the force of a semi. you can't block a hammer like this without some serious grit. he did not have it.
sword to the face gently
(he doesnt have aura he looks silly :p)
anyway. dave wearing his dorky shades at night makes me wonder if him having "aura" is worth him not being able to see shit because its 1am and he has shades in front of his eyes
Jack voice: I am going to fight the guy who has, in the four or five days since he got here, posted no less than three times about degloving someone for fun. #violence #gore (but only if you google degloving, which i reccommend) #pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease
If it's any consolation, there's at least one incredibly normal guy working there. Stick around him and you'll probably leave undrafted.
how horrible. i wanted it to matter.
xx_IF_U_LIEK_PENIS_COLADAS_xx
ii <3 corndogs but ii hate thiis part *stiicks hands iin oiil to retriieve you* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
of course anytime dude they also all have little articles of clothing it’s awesome
holy mackarel i think that gaslighting shit vantas used to yammer on aboat is reel. i KNOW what these fools horns look like
cool with me then he goes and i dont know where the urethra is walks outside and gets skewered by an icicle and goes no my swedish penis pump enlarged penis just exploded then i kicked his ass down a hill he goes aaaaah curse you strider he probably got my name from peaking at the rideshare app btw smashes through a bunch of guys carrying thick panes of glass his head gets stuck in a billboard of a rhinos ass with the caption what a zoo animal plastered above his bitch ass wowie zowee all kidding aside i think he dine and dashed he was still in there when we left but i dont know what the fuck his plan was for avoiding the debt besides the aforementioned rhinobutt ski theory
just overheard a guy generationally fumble he goes can you pay for these drinks his date goes why hehe are you going through it or something bear in mind her hand was reaching for her purse then he says naw my debit card is just frozen this week because of online gambling she goes ew haha and this motherfucker stands up and goes im not feeling all that respected right now jess pack it in i dont tell you what to do with your money she looked down and didnt look back up for a solid minute he starts talking about how he could put her through college how this puts their future plans in question asking what else shes got an attitude about realize shes got one of those rideshare apps open i work for like six the god lord delivers my phone buzzes jessieeeeee requesting a ride .1 miles from your location hit accept
i really need to after the shit i just saw enough to send a girl into psychosis goddamn
To the tune of We Wish You A Merry Christmas We wish you a Staples Christmas, We wish you a Staples Christmas, We wish you a Staples Christmas, also, they should sell beer. How cool would that be, if Staples sold beer? Just loose ones in a big fridge. I could drink while I shopped. There should be beer at Staples, There should be beer at Staples, There should be beer at Staples 'cause I don't like my kids. Holidays are hard, 'cause my kids are so weird. Staples would be better if I could just have one beer. The kids only want printer ink, The kids only want printer ink, The kids only want printer ink and I'm not so sure why. Oh, give me a beer, to forget how life is. I married a weird woman and the kids turned out strange. They don't like stuff like Hot Wheels, They don't like stuff like Hot Wheels, They don't like stuff like Hot Wheels so it's another Staples Christmas.
⧃ The lack of proper facial hair besides the mustache is still marks off.
it's a really cute look.
takin it on the chin here cuz im bein escorted like hannibal lector to max security rn. being president fucking sucked. i missed my moireel. im naut the boss beach the condesce was. youre free to throe har hars and tomatoes at me but use #meenahcoup still if you gonna to @barackObama theres acshoally literally extra versions of the same desk in the closet down the hall from the oval office. so just grab one of those
bingo also ill be real with you empathy has done fuckall for treatin people the right way or prosocial or whatever
I was nearlly finished with a Haiku, needing onlly to find the right words for the finall lline, onlly to reallize "This is nothing. This is Haiku out of habit and nothing ellse" and promptlly delleted it. Poetry is its own purpose, but I cannot stand writing empty words.