The Helpsman
@toilingApotheosis
II'm the H-ELPSMAN, II H-ELP of course!! IIt's riight there iin the tiitle!! IIf you -EVER need anythiing just let me know.
II was told II should post thiis to sociial mediia!! Somethiing II have now, and so can fiinally do iinstead of others haviing to use my liikeness on my behalf, wonderful!! And for such an iimportant message too. Seek new opportuniitiies and new ways to help the GR-EAT-ER GOOD!! Apply today, anywhere!!
II swear II've seen the same scuttlebuggy wiith the same oliive striipes iin the same parkiing space for a couple weeks now!! To thiink there miight be someone more consiistent than myself!! IInspiiriing. But iit iis strange, iif iit's here when II arriive iit should be gone when II leave. Nobody has a shiift that wraps miine, that much II know.
That was a magniifiicent weekend diiversiion and II am truly BL-ESS-ED to have been spared an entiire weekend off. But II am almost as glad to be back on the regular shiifts!! 13 hours of peaceful Helpiing.
-Eheheheheh #confiidentiialhelpiing
https://cdn.iimgchest.com/fiiles/bf03b1a86b13.png -Eheheheheh thiis iis so -EXCIITIING ((-Ediit of an iimage by Captoriian))
Oooooh II'm so exciited!! Thiis iis why one should always be on the lookout for new opportuniitiies!! -EMPLOYM-ENT Opportuniitiies!! But II should hush myself.
O)(!!! Beac)(fore I forget, I did )(ave a R-EAL post to make for #Fis)(ingFriday, )(e)(e)(. Not really s)(ore w)(at t)(is t)(ing is, but I snagged it from t)(e bottom of t)(e lake. Isn't it just T)(-E CUT-EST!!!! And a little familiar... (( original karkat labubu by u/Beelzeboba on reddit, edited by me lol )) )(ttps://cdn.imgc)(est.com/files/90f48f6cf352.png
FIRST OFF, THANKS, I HATE IT. SECOND, THERE IS NO CONCEIVABLE *WAY* YOU WILL CATCH *ANYTHING* GOOD WITH THIS AS YOUR BAIT. IF YOU AREN'T KEEN ON DREGING UP AN INCHOATE RAGING TIME BITCH OR YET ANOTHER RUSTBLOOD WHOSE HABITUAL MANNER OF GREETING INVOLVES SHOVING HAIRPINS THROUGH YOUR GANDERBULBS, I SUGGEST YOU CATCH AND RELEASE.
You )(ave SUC)( a way wit)( words, Mr. T)(e C)(alkbox! I'm rat)(er impressed by your mastery of evocative language, especially for a troll like you!! Keep up t)(e good work! )(owever, t)(ere's no way I can just toss it back in t)(e water!! Its miscevic)(eous little grin and pitifully nubby )(orns are far too c)(arming to ignore. I just want to SQU-E-EZ-E IT until it pops!
II probably should not be gettiing iinvolved iin such thiings. II blame my diistress at so much free tiime hangiing over me!!
What's helming like -zzt- for Beforans?
W-----ELL, if you need a way to occupy your time over t)(e weekend, I mig)(t )(ave a special assignment JUST for you! You s)(ould be reefwarded for your dedication, not punis)(ed!
II'm n0t sure what you mean!! My head was standard siize as far as II'm aware and requiired no speciial fiittiing, II just took a helmet off the rack!!
OH THANK GOODN-ESS!! By whiich II mean you of course!! Please let me know. Unsurpriisiingly you are riight!!
No, I mean like. The job in general, not just the physical part. -zzt- How they treat you, what kind of -zzt- freedoms you get... Stuff like that.
They're giiviing me the weekend off =:C Pardon my language but: dammiit.
Think ⚣f it like this, n⚣w y⚣u can g⚣ ar⚣und directly helping and talking with tr⚣lls! Think ⚣f all the p⚣ssibilities!
II already do that iin my offtiime!! II quiite enjoy volunteeriing. But the gulf of an entiire weekend iis so very, very long. What iif somethiing goes wrong over there?!!
Heariing very troubliing news today up the viine. Usually my head iis buzziing too pleasantly from the work to overhear anythiing II'm not tryiing to hear duriing breaks but they must've been especiially loud!! Sure hope II just miisheard.
II do not know what a Dave iis but II am a fan of well regulated tiimeslots!!
a dave is a person i am a dave
☝️
Hey.
me me mee
i am many daves
Hello Dave!! What a funny liittle club you have of users wiith avatars from what II assume iis some kiind of -East-Beforan programmiing!! Looks so much liike what lovely Miiss Megiido iis always tryiing to show me!!
we love timeslots.
II extend thiis greetiing more generally to all of the Daves iin the iinterest of not shiirkiing my dutiies!! Hello Daves!!
well my pfp is meant to be how i look in person
Oh II feel liike II could break a ciircuiit. Far too much praiise from the -Empress herself iin my notiifiicatiions for a regular Helpsman!! Thiis iis why we do iit people!!
II feel II should note that whiile iiniitiial uniiforms are caste-iindiicatiing as iin most workplaces for your health and safety, iif you don't miiss a shiift for over a sweep you too can put iin for a custom one iin recogniitiion of your dediicatiion above and beyond the call of blood!!
what the fuck.
what's wr0ng with y0u?
Riight!! II should have made the onus for the message more clear for those wiith poor readiing comprehensiion bereft of theiir culler!! To expound: Thiis post iis iin reference to my non-standard Helpsman's uniiform!! And explaiins how one can acquiire siimiilar garb!! Thank you, fellow yellow!!
are y0u 0k? i kn0w we are n0t0ri0us f0r being at least a little pan damaged as a baseline but this is scary.
How could II be anythiing else? But thank you for your miisplaced concern!!
misplaced c0ncern?? dude, y0u talk like a l0b0t0my patient. like this chitt if y0u've been thinkpanwashed.
My thiinkpan iis examiined quiite regularly!! Thiis ensures II suffer no iill effects from my regular usage of YIIII class psiioniic abiiliitiies iin an iindustriial capaciity!! IIf anythiing the -Empiire iis wastiing resources on my humble self!! II'd siimply check iin at a cliiniic iif II felt somethiing amiiss. But our dear -Empress does worry for us all. Back to work!!
Hydroliief offiicer was very punctual today!! II do hope my questiioniing diidn't giive the iimpressiion to management that II thought that anyone had been slackiing. Holdiing everyone to the same standard iis downriight unBeforan!!
II went lookiing for the oliive at the end of my shiift. Usually II am iindulgiing my miiniimum mandated shuteye periiod or prepariing for the next shiift, but maybe II was feeliing partiicularly eccentriic today. II diidn't fiind them. Strangest thiing. II asked a manager eventually and they saiid there had never been an oliive workiing that task on my shiift? How strange!! Must be some iill effects liingeriing on from my record breaker a few niights past. Oh well. Tomorrow wiill be better. Always iis iin the -Empiire!!
Wow!! Quiite the response!! II already knew my superiiors were on to somethiing, but even II diidn't expect such quiick results!! More fool me. Trust the system!!
II was told II should post thiis to sociial mediia!! Somethiing II have now, and so can fiinally do iinstead of others haviing to use my liikeness on my behalf, wonderful!! And for such an iimportant message too. Seek new opportuniitiies and new ways to help the GR-EAT-ER GOOD!! Apply today, anywhere!!
「TWINK.」
I think I’d kill to work with you?
II'm glad you're 'twiinkiing' about joiiniing up miiss burgundy!! You'll get those letters iin no tiime.
Oh no!! There's no need for such thoughts!! -Empress forbiid. Liiterally!! Siimply siign on the form liittle lady. Though someone of your caste ought to be speakiing to management staff, not a humble socket plug liike me!!
I don’t mind talking to someone like you, you’re strong and cool! I’ll find my way! ::::)
K-E-EP UP T)(-E GOOD WORK!!! Just don't spend TOO muc)( time on C)(ittr. 38)
Of course my -Empress!! Most of my posts are iin fact queued ahead of tiime!! Miinor repliies are handled on my two mandatory fiive miinute breaks!!
Startiing to get worriied for that Hydroliief offiicer. Not for myself miind you, wouldn't be my fiirst thiirst shiift!! II remember when the puriifiicatiion plant blew and they were sendiing people to the riiver wiith buckets!! Volunteered to go wiithout and spare some hands. But maybr II'll check iin wiith a manager. Should come by for the rounds of the statiions every fiive or so hours!! Very attentiive.
Can't seem to recall theiir name!! Pretty sure iit was an oliive? Changes frequently for some reason!! IIt iis demandiing, cardiio iintensiive work runniing around wiith the water riig but very iimportant!! Not everyone iis ready for the burden of responsiibiiliity II suppose. That's what culliing iis for!!
Work all day on a driink of none!! Haha we do have our japes on the job. II do wonder where the usual watercouriier got off to though. Oh well!!