Eridan Ampora
@caligulaAscendit
sensitivve young man | classicist | hopeless romantic | philosopher | radical indivvidual | sophisticated intellectual | paragon a poetic grace | heartthrob a vvibrant young wwomen
cronus amporas guide to the ladies part 11: feferi peixes #cheating #nsfvw #nsfvwe #dubcon #misogyny #abuse #cagttl so heres the thing. ewveryone expects an ampora to simp ovwer the peixes and to gush ovwer em and fall cranial case ovwer strutpod and havwe some wvaguely aesthetic sexy situationship, and obvwiously i wvant all that but. i dunno. dont get me wvrong, fef is absolutely gorgeous, but shes just missing that secret sauce for me, that something something. still, i do hawve plenty of experience pulling em so lets get into it. remember roxy? similar deal here. fefs aint so hard to read, but you are gonna find some vwith glassy eyes and shiny lips vwho dont knowv their port from starboard. cant exactly call em airheads, but yknowv. bimbos. not a thought in that pretty lil head. you dont need my help getting wvith her. ask if she vwants a ride to the beach, or tell her that it suddenly became against the lawv for babes to vwear clothes, i dunno. shell believwe anything, she needs bulge bad, and shell evwen pay for dinner afterwvards. fantastic date. novw for the ones that hawve a fevw more marbles bouncing around their noggins, it depends. if she asks you for help wvith eridan, youre in. sit dovwn wvith her, put on a movwie, get cozy, let her yap about howv much she hates her boyfriend, smile and nod and try not to be too obvwious about staring at her tits... then go in for the cull. about howv she deservwes so much better, that the vway you held the door for her and got her a snack makes you a real provwider, that you wvould alvways take good care of her... she might get shy and blushy, but shell be smiling. its a hop skip and a jump to her respiteblock from there. youvwe got the beach episode fefs, the ones that wvanna go for a dip. i mean, theyll all put on a string bikini if you ask, this is more just like... not a vwalley girl and not vwith eridan. she likes to be romanced, be svweet vwith her, be manly, shovw off your muscles, all that good stuff. generally a bit too chipper for my usual mowves to wvork, but that also means shell grin and say tanks if you feel her up or drop some cutesy nicknames like good gill or kittenfish or slut. thats another thing, the fish puns are a good in, but dont owverdo em, and be at least a lil creatiwve. theyvwe all heard fincess before. just remember that shes a girly girl, she wvants a manly man, and youll be set. novw for the ratings bod: nevwer seen a skinny fef. shes packing floatation dewvices and beachballs. she might be the most likely babe, at least outta this lot, to hawve the covweted slimthicc look. the goggles are a lil dumb, but ivwe literally nevwer seen any of em comment on em, so its probably fine. absolute babe. 10/10 vwariety: this is vwhere she loses points for me, fefs can be a lil samey. ewven the wvalley girl babes, and i do lowve a gal vwho says like too much, dont act all too different from the ones vwith pans. and i can only hear about eridan being out on a vwork trip so many times before i start to vwonder just wvhat job is so important they leawve their gal at her ranch home in dreambubbletopia. 6/10 ease: peixes do lovwe an ampora, feferi the most. they wvanna hop me the second they see me. im sure shes just as randy for anyone else, but ill havwe an easier time than you. obvwiously. 10/10 personality: this is a hot take, but just... out of the peixes, she dont compell me. ill get some banter ewvery novw and then, but wvhat am i supposed to do vwith a gill wvhose sole purpose in life is to get coated, inside and out, in wviolet slurry? i cant complain i guess, but i dont think i like gals vwho are so bubbly all the time. 6/10 ovwerall: 7/10. she could be so perfect wvith just a bit of effort. a composite peixes might just be the perfect lay (this is foreshadowving for later). im newver gonna say no of course, but... eh. kinda bores me after all this time.
i should havve knowwn itd come to this i cant believve i naivvely assumed you wwouldnt fondle this loww hangin fruit out a some fabricated sense a kinship wwhat wwould spare me from bein on the end a your pike wwhen the prodigious lifeblood wwhich flowws through my pelagic vveins is the vvery same as yours i recognize noww that you are a ostensibly a ghoul wwithout a trace a civvilization an in a wway i envvy your brutish callousness you are so horrifically indifferent to the plight a others evven your owwn stock that youvve engendered a neww subtype a sociopathy such apathy wwould havve been admirable in an advviserrator someone wwho stands at the frontlines a great carnage unflinchingly eulogized by the flames a wwar but you are not evven a quarter man enough to endure any trial greater than the discomfort a wwarm slime you are a soyboy beta cuck you are the wwyrm i crush under my boot you oily bastard do you seriously think your shithivve pickup artistry is goin to wwork on fef i mean use your pan for a wwhole a twwo seconds instead a typin these degenerate guides wwith a hand dowwn your too small jeans flippin slimin all ovver yourself like some kind a spaghetti creature you best believve if i evver run into you at one a these wwipely shindigs im shovvin the spear side a crosshairs so far up your ass its gonna come out the other end thats a bloody promise
my jeans are of the perfect tightness to showv off my impeccable glutes and just the hint of a lump at the front to tastefully display my wvirility to any potential mates, thank you wvery much. try to learn something from this squirt.
the fat spillin ovver your sides says otherwwise face it youre hovverin at a generous decile 3.5 at best
dude are you ogling my hips? #notgay oh yeah, and check the bulgecurator post on my account somewvhere for my rating, im officially packing, its #canon #nsfvw
that duplicitous hemowwretch is clearly full a shit i dont buy it i rebuke the idea entirely besides size has nothin no i see wwhat youre tryin to do here an im not fallin for it
you gotta face it kid. nice guys like you finish last. iwve embraced being a douche. #niceguysfinishlast
dont you think i knoww that its a fact that wwomen lovve men wwho treat them like shit but fefs different trust me shes literally my ex
earth c is such an amazing place vwhen you just vwanna put your seed in as many humans and trolls as possible. vwe did a great job vwith this planet! #nsfwv
fef do not interact wwith him dont make me spell out the obvvious
I’m on --Eart)( Sea and I am not amused by t)(is information, is all. B—--ELI—--EV—--E me, I don’t plan on finteracting. T)(anks for looking out for me, as always! 38) It means a lot to me!
you just interacted wwith him though dont be obtuse yeah yeah i guess i couldnt help myself this time seein as the princely tingles wwere impossible to ignore just dont go gettin used to it
To let )(im know my fis)(taste!! NOT)(ING more. I promise!! Aww, I assure you it’ll be missed until t)(e next time you get t)(e urge. 38P I am looking forward to it! It always makes my day w)(enever I see you perform an act of kindness. 38)
Going to get some new makeup! So excited! 38) Does anyone )(ave any fun looks I can try?
this is a slippery oily lubricated slope into meowwbeastfishin
And it is literally not!!!! 3XO I can give you a fun makeover if you wanted to!!
bloody hell fef howw many times do i gotta make it crystal to ya that i havvent cared about hermits in pointy hats since i wwas four i greww outta that claptrap perigees ago magics faker than all the troll kardashians booties combined
this image got uploaded in the earth c creator group chat but im thinkin the public needs to wweigh in on this so reply wwith your number correct answwer is eight by the wway https://cdn.imgchest.com/files/9b2f920820bf.jpg
Leaving 8 Empty so @caligulaAscendit can enjoy his privacy.
thanks vves i appreciate your barefooted magnanimity but somethin tells me that boats sailed
you might also say its sailin right noww
im sorry you had to find out this wway eri
you fuckin hivvewwreckin piece a shit you wwere supposed to havve my back i should havve knowwn better than to trust me im gonna rip your wwindhole out wwith my teeth
easy tigershark im just yankin your flipper i swwear kar and me are the palest a bros you evver seen i got no designs on his tootsies i swwear it on the sandals a troll nero
yes but im not goin to swwear off lookin kinda homoerotic next to him for female attention
giant green moon please grant me a derpina matesprit
Brother, you are NOT the moon. You LIVE there. Are you daft???? Once we rogaine you up, Eri, you'll get that Derpina. You will.
I am allowed to speak for it as it’s creator and original inhabitant.
*ITS
good one tavv i wwas gonna call you a slur but your rapid display a mental agility made me bit my tongue
fOR, wHICH CATEGORY?
yEAH, tHAT IS PROBABLY THE BEST ANSWER, yOU COULD HAVE GIVEN OUT OF THE MAYBE, fOUR AND POTENTIALLY FIVE IF WE STRETCH IT, pOSSIBILITIES, i MEAN WE ALL LOVE YOUR, pLAYFUL GENOCIDAL HATRED OF, aLL LANDDWELLERS THAT IS LIKE, a CHARMING CHARACTER QUIRK,
wwhat can i say it wwasnt a huge loss for team xy wwhen you decided to swwitch sides almost like you wwere nevver on the team in the first place hrmm wwe all saww it comin from a nautical mile awway i suppose nowws the best time than evver to congratulate you on your metamorphosis bottoms up to your newwfound wwomanhood unfortunately youre still a shitblood an wwont be spared from the mass cullin on the basis a your bee ess multi marginalized status as outlined by section 9 article 45 a my manifesto a shame you wwere one a the good ones
Wow! I finally took t)(ree days off after t)(e w)(ole )(ig)(blood revolt situation and do you know w)(at )(appened? Nobody attempted a coup. Nobody poisoned a councilor. Nobody even dramatically c)(allenged me to sea-dweller combat at dinner. It turns out )(alf t)(e empire only seamed terrifying because everybody was running on twelve t)(ousand sweeps of in)(erited paranoia and sleep deprivation. We )(eld a reconciliation feast in t)(e capital trenc)( and several former revolutionaries ended up getting embarrassingly emotional over grilled sea dragon and c)(oir music. One purpleblood commander actually apologized to a jadeblood in public wit)(out exploding into flames afterward, so I t)(ink t)(at means we’re making progress! Well. Days/nig)(ts off! 38) I was talking to some -Eastern Alternian Lords and Ladies w)(o t)(oug)(t t)(ey may be able to slip out of my control! Looking into -Erifin's old doomsday device. Found t)(e scraps recently. I wonder...
W)(o gives you t)(e aut)(ority to clammand me? 38) You're, like, not even )(ere. Any version of you.
oh my cod you had him executed didnt you the poor tosser nevver stood a chance