Jake Crocker
@grudgingTributary
He/him. *HAPPILY* wed to my lovely wife jane. Go follow @grittyGroundskeeper and redirect all inquiries to her messages. *PLEASE* do not message me.
I reiterate: dont like that he can do that!!!
I can do a lot of shit. Like, watch this. Did that smack feel especially painful? Get your ass outta bed.
Big things happening today i suppose.
Yeah, like me popping a boner for you.
Not sure if this is you threatening to give me a hard on or informing me that youre all hot under the collar thinking about me. Either way ive got questions.
An update on my prior posts speculations: He can hold a ball! A groundbreaking discovery. He can also chuck it at my head and bonk me right in the ol noggin which i didnt entirely appreciate. :/
Me holding the ball is hilarious, you know damn well it was you holding that ball. Learn to put up a fight, the ol' fisticuffs, bromeo.
If you werent so stupid and see through all the darn time i wouldve shown your sorry ass what for about three times over now!!!! You should be awful thankful for your situation you jerkwad.
Ive got the mindset of a dog or perhaps a very fatherly older man in the way that i look outside and go "man its a real nice day for a game of catch." Dirk wont entertain the thought and i dont really think he can hold a ball in those lousy pellucid hands of his anyhoo? Verdicts still out on how that works. Janeys totally out of the question too and im sure id get another verbal thrashing if i asked her about anything but work. I just wanna play some friggin ball man. :(
Fairly certain the one for guys who like playing with balls is grindr no? Not sure what thats got to do with my post but i digress! Chase your dreams little me.
Darn it thats exactly what shark tank said to me when i pitched this to them.
Hahahaha, you need to learn how to play dodgeball while you're at it.
I didnt ask to play dodgeball though now did i? I feel like a madman really! Cant even control a figment of my imagination!!! You just dont listen!!!!!
Maybe jane was right about medication being the route. Christ you are such a douche.
A dude puts his phone down for all of 5 minutes and his little brain ghosty guy decides to make vagueposts about how im not replying to him. Youre in my brain!!! Youve got other means of relaying information to me!!!
Still uncertain how i feel about him having access to social media completely independent from myself. He can just run around willy nilly saying whatever the hell he wants for the whole world outside my noggin to see. Its a little disconcerting!
I was sleeping and he was on here posting all autonomous and stuff. Scary!
You know for being a real busybody dirk doesnt tend to contribute much to me and janes disagreements beyond going "you should hit him/her" depending on whomever looks more susceptible to that advice at the time. And ill tell you what its never me!! :/
You really oughta stop doing that because sometimes she does!
You know its torture enough that ive got to deal with my dead-not-dead ex boyfriend on a regular day but now that hes somehow got social media access it really just feels like a big ol punch in the face.
Oh! Hoo hoo hoo! Quit whining, silly boy. It'll feel good when it stops hurting.
What could possibly be that bad about my reply? It wasn't meant to be inappropriate.
"Slightly transparent dirk" has gotta be among my favorites in regards to the way janey refers to that douchebag. Spot on i guess!
I'm out here doing the Lord's work, and you're harshing my vibe? Fuck man.
What would you consider to be "the lords work" because all youve done is annoy me something ungodly.
Trying to toughen you up. Get you on track to really put a... how do you say it? Fuck, it's so stupid. "Put an ol' one two punch to those rascals." Or something.
Little nap on the clock wouldnt hurt. Its not like the meetings for a few more hours anyhoo. A man needs his beauty sleep sometimes.
Well no i dont exactly think i do but yes maam!
Okay well i dont appreciate your vague and ominous threats but im already working again so dont get your knickers in a twist lady!! Good gravy.
Whoopsie. I didnt mean to get all snippy. Im just tired is all.
The missus has given me the honor of taking on some of her workload for the day. Paperworks a dull task and i really feel more and more like a caged animal the longer i sit in this chair. At least its appropriate to stand up and walk around in the comfort of my own space though! Ill have to sit through a whole doggone meeting later and im really not too chipper about it.
Serious inquiry: How many of you actually believe me to be british? Ive just been called "brit boy" and im a bit floored really. You people do realize you can have an accent without being british yes? Its important to me that you realize this.
Yes which is why im puzzled by the amount of people who assume im an englishman? I guess my last name really does it in huh? How silly!
Roxy my dear i am not necessarily anything specific i just happen to speak with an accent! Its more a thing i picked up than an instance of me specifically being of any certain descent.
A dude gets a little tongue tied over his verbiage and instead of being called a marble mouth like the good ol days they call you british. :/
I think they just see old timey slang and think "ah, that sounds British!" Forgetting that modern British people don't say things like "Tally ho!" and that old Americans also used to say stuff like that sometimes.
i just ask cause ur counterpart in my timelines an aussie so his nickname is the aussie lol
Ill say. Curse my extensive vernacular i suppose. Im being labeled in ways i dont quite appreciate!
I dont think ive uttered the word innit a day in my life if im going to be blunt and honest with you. Silly assumptions!
The proximity of the enter button and backspace button have damn near gotten me killed. Goodness. https://i.postimg.cc/VkHFnwn6/image.png
I'm shaking my head. Just unfortunate.
Okay well it seems my last post has sparked some concern that being said i figured i should make another post just to clear the air: I make my own decisions so stop speculating!!!! This internet detective nonsense is unnecessary and quite frankly its invasive to my privacy as well as my wifes. If you care so much about me you could keep your nose out of my doggone business maybe!! #Noproblemshere #Lovemywife
Hobbling around with the kind of back pain a man young and spry as myself shouldnt be struggling with for another 30 years at the very least. Really need to stop goading the missus but its an impossible task with her. Always so peevish i say! Dont know how much longer my spine can suffer sleeping on the sofa.
gotta say i dont get every word that u wrote here man but i feel for u i think wishin u well <3
Crocker Corp claims another victim. We'll remember you fondly.
I Was Under The Impression That 15 Sweeps Would Be Ancient For A Human, Given You All Don't Live For Very Long.
may&e u should stop ho&&lygo&&ling at ur missus then ull &e &lessed with that nice warm &ed she’s in
Oh it is not at all an impossible task, Jake! You just don't like to put in any effort. Seems like that's a theme with you, hmm?
There are no victims! Just totally normal spats in a marriage where one person is pulling far more weight than the other! Please do not spread such baseless rumors.
I would never dare to usher the wrath of Crocker's Legal team. Please be assured that debunked tales would never pass these lips. I subscribe to the truth setting us free, Jane.
My #wife is mad at me again and i will have to sleep on the #couch. #Marriage amirite hahaha.
maybe you should stop making nanna mad. :p
Why the hell did you tag couch???? You're really doing a number on me tonight, Jake.
For the couch enthusiasts who may relate to matrimonial mishaps. Doy.
Well johnny boy unfortunately nanna gets mad at just about everything i do.
This isn't true! I love when you act all silly and quirky and.. whatever else it is that you do. I just don't want you calling me some slanderous hogwash or playing dumb under my posts about serious topics! >:B
Ive been advised to preface this post with the fact that this is a funny joke!! No the pizza is not violent. #abuse #JOKE
What did I tell you earlier? Why are you the dumbest man to ever walk this planet??
You are a complete and utter fool. Go sit in the corner and think about your actions. NOW.
I don't care. You know how the internet is full of scary people just like I told you, right? You wouldn't wanna get me in trouble, would you?
*SIGH!!!* No jane. :/ God forbid a man have a chuckle.